I am NOT Afraid!

I was talking with a good friend last week and he told me I was afraid of commitment. That just struck me as hilarious. I pointed out that I have ALWAYS stated that I wanted to be married someday. In fact, he was the one that always said he NEVER wanted to be married and then he proposed to his girlfriend after three months. He replied with, “Yeah but you had a chance to settle down and did not.” I responded quickly with, “That’s because I knew he wanted to do it out of obligation. He never really wanted that type of life with me.” He told me, “See I told you you’re afraid. That’s why you burned through all those guys you were dating.”  FIRST OF ALL: I did not burn through ALL of them. Some of them were real creepos. Some of them bored the HELL outta me. Some of them wanted me to put out on the third date. Some of them just didn’t feel right. Some of them weren’t interested in me. I am not like him. I didn’t latch on to the first normal person I dated because so many people are freaking weird in this city. I may hate living alone but not enough to settle. Not when I feel like I have so much to offer. (Yeah I said it. I DO bring some cool things to the table.) Of all of my friends, he should understand what it’s like being stuck in a horrible marriage. It.Sucks. I don’t expect perfection but I am not settling. My friend laughed at me. He asked me, “Do you think this guy is the one?” I responded quickly with my answer. He laughed again and said but you’re still scared.  This got me thinking.

My friends perception of me isn’t as crazy as I thought. (I feel free to write about this because it’s the truth and no one I know really reads my blog. Although I have offered for them to.) I have thought of running a MILLION times in this relationship. I love him. He is really good for me. He is the most rational relationship I have ever been in and I want him. I am not used to it. I am used to intense craziness. I am used to men filling my head with beautiful things only to never be there when I need them. I am used to..well…dysfunctional men.  For some reason the fact that it is healthy and still makes me happy scares the hell out of me. It makes it more real to me. While I should be elated (and I am) I can’t help but feel scared. What if I fail? What if the kids get attached and I make a huge mistake? How can I set everyone up for that again? What am I doing? You see dear readers, it is not just me on the line. What if he doesn’t like always being around my kids? (I can thank my ex for that.) I know they are great but geesh parenting is such a huge responsibility in my life. No one will ever be their father but someone coming into this household will have a much larger role in their life because their father is dead. I can’t change that. It’s the cards that were dealt to me.  Then I chastise myself for even thinking these thoughts. I am thinking them because every day I have is better with him in it. It is not always exciting. I do not always agree with him. It is not perfect. However, it just dawned on me that this is why it feels so real. I can’t deny that..at least not to myself. I can deny it to my friend…heehee. The thing with good friends though is they always call you out.

So he laughed his butt off at my expense while I explained I am not scared of commitment. He jokingly pointed out that I am totally sure of the guy but start stuttering when he asked me about long-term commitment with the guy. My epiphany is that I am absolutely terrified of it. I am also absolutely terrified of not having it. (Try to make sense of that shiznit, cuz I’m still trying to.) I am just terrified of letting everyone I love down and failing again. I used to think I was a good wife. However, the more time that passes I wonder if that was the case. Someone told me recently that people are the most honest when they are drunk. The man I married was always drunk. He said some of the most vicious and mean things to me when he was drinking. If there is any truth to that, he really hated me.  I can’t digest that and I can’t ask him about it because he’s gone. I confess that towards the end of our marriage I strongly suspected he couldn’t stand me anymore than I could stand him. I can’t understand why he wanted me back so bad (I mean he NEVER gave up) if he really felt that way about me. It’s starting to mess with my head.

However,  the last three years my life has been a series of incredibly unfamiliar experiences. I don’t like it but I know it is why I have grown so much in such a short period of time.  I know if I had met him at a different time, I would have run away months ago. It is just more real than anything I have experienced. (Real means..it is perfect in its normal imperfections.) He is not perfect but I believe he is who he says he is. I believe in him. I do not know if I believe in myself yet. I believe in myself in many ways. I believe I am capable and strong and at the core a good person. I just don’t know if I am worthy of anything real like him. I want him. I answered my friend without a second of hesitation. Although, a wonderfully simple day like today made me realize how terribly vulnerable I still feel. I know that sounds stupid as hell but hey..It’s my blog yo.

So what’s my moral: My moral is that I don’t need to find the answer today. I do not need to worry about commitment or lack of commitment or anyone else’s opinion. I do not need to run from something that I cherish. (that’s just plain old stupid anyways) What I know I need to work on (and if you can relate, I want you to try to work on it as well) is the fact that I deserve to be happy. I do not know how to reach that point but I recognize it in myself. I am a woman of faith. I am turning this over to GOD because he definitely has a better handle on stuff like this than I could ever have.  In the meantime, I will pray and strive to be the best person I can be, and….um try to not be quite as stupid as I used to be. If you are reading this and can relate, do not let fear dictate your actions. Operating in Fear = failure. 

Until next time… Ciao!

If You Really Love Her….

Dear Sara,

I love my girlfriend. She is good for me. However, she requires so much work…. I feel like she needs to be told I love her too much……..I’ve already told her. We’ve been together for two years. Why do I need to keep telling her? She told me yesterday that she wished I complimented her more…. Last year she caught me with another woman. I didn’t love that woman. I said I was sorry and will never do it again.What’s the big deal?……Do you think she has a point? Or is she out of line and acting crazy? I know all women are crazy…I read your blog. I can tell you’re outta line too. I thought you might shed some light. I’m thinking of leaving her if this doesn’t stop….What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

I had to cut a LOT of this out and I did take the liberty of correcting his grammar. This piece of advice is going to write itself yo. I have my I’m gonna git you sucka smile on my face as I write.

When do you treat your woman/man right? Answer: Before someone else does!  Derr.. If you love her, you need to reassure her. This does not mean you need to build her entire system of beliefs up. I can’t stress this enough. Most women are so much simpler than most men realize. Security, security, security. The average woman needs to feel secure in YOUR intentions. This is not complicated. If you love her, tell her. If you think she looks nice, tell her. If you miss her, tell her. If you want her, tell her. Tell her often and tell her. Look, I am not saying you need to say it 1000 times a day but the female ego is just as precious as the male ego. If I were giving this advice to a woman it would be similar yet different (maybe a separate post later.) If you love her…reassure her.  What’s wrong with telling her how much you desire her?  Watch how she will treat you when she thinks you desire her more than any other female in the world. I promise you, your love life will dramatically improve in ALL areas.  Empower her by reassuring her of your feelings. It’s so simple stupid. ***Disclaimer: There is a line that must be drawn here. If you are dealing with a woman who NEVER reciprocates or that is cray cray, you may need to cut bait. Basically, if you do not feel it is worth the investment….don’t do it. This is not advice on how to play with her head. This is advice on how to make her happy and by extension, yourself happy. Also if you do not love her..don’t bother.****However, if this woman is worthy…just freaking reassure her.  Don’t let something as stupid as pride get in the way.

Yeah so on to my specific advice. YOU CHEATED! Okay, we all make mistakes-right? I can’t judge you. Life happens and only GOD has that right. BUT…yeah she is probably even more insecure than ever about your feelings. You asked me to shed some light. Here goes….I don’t understand how I read about so many nice men’s struggles and here YOU are with a good woman who stood by you. I just don’t get it. Your entire message is dripping with self-absorption and shallowness.  If you read my blog, then you know I am brutally blunt. You agreed to let me post about this. So I gotta say, I think she will leave you first.  I rarely say that. I rarely give any definite actions. I usually tell people to search their feelings and heart.  However, I am not sure if you would understand that. If you can…..you need a come to Jesus meeting. If you close your eyes and can’t imagine life without her…MAN the hell UP and treat her right. Every woman has a breaking point.  I can’t pretend to be an expert on love. As you said so yourself, I’m “outta line too.” I struggle and I can be ridiculously stupid at times but I am growing and I put my best foot forward every day. However, I am an expert at breaking points. I tolerated so much for so long that I am still putting myself back together.  I promise you, if you think she is “outta line” wait until the day she leaves. If you don’t wise up quick, too much water will pass under the bridge and no amount of promises or “I Love You’s” will fix it. You can take that to the bank. I freaking guarantee it.

I will leave you with a song that is fitting for the occasion.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Players Always Come Back!

Players always circle back on me. It’s like I’m on their quarterly rotation or something! So I received a message from a real douche..err gem of a man yesterday that basically asked me casually if I could help him find a job. He stated, “I noticed you’re on LinkedIn, do you have a job for me?” I waited and I debated. I am working on growing as a person. I should be mature and ignore him. This is the only man who ever officially played me. Why in the world would I reply?

Well….The answer is cuz I’m immature….derr. So I answered in a very lady-like manner. I replied with, “I didn’t know you were looking for a job. I have a great Proctologist I can refer you to.” See! I can keep it classy! He responded with, “I’m not but judging by your response, it sounds like you need one.” Now I never loved this cat. In fact, I don’t even know who he really is. You can’t feel deeply for someone you don’t know. He was sarcastic like me with a quick wit that amused me and kind of nice.  I allowed him to crawl inside my head during a time when I was very very vulnerable and he took advantage of that. (Although I am certainly responsible for letting him.) However, I don’t really care much other than he is still a mystery to me. Oh and like I said he is really my only “mistake.”  He doesn’t qualify to even be considered an ex.  I haven’t seen him in over a year. This man proceeded to tell me that he viewed my profile because he missed me. HA! How very amusing to me.

Captain Dumb Ass…we will call him that… is not a nice man. You can refer to any of my posts about players and see he fits the stereotype to a T. Everything you tell him, he pushes back on me. I call him a player, he says, “No you’re the player.” When I tried to stop seeing him over a year ago (during the brief tenure of our dating) he pushed back HARD to keep me. He didn’t do this because he cared. He did it because players like a challenge. In my naive and inexperienced head I thought, “Wow he must really be into me because he’s fighting for me.” Although when I paid attention to him, he came and went as he pleased including answering calls and texts. It was on his time frame. That’s because I was only interesting to him when there was a game running in his head. When it ended, I was stung. I mean he was only one of two men that EVER really caught my interest in my single adventure. (The other I am happily dating so score for me.) However, I didn’t see his behavior coming and I was just caught 100% off guard. I felt very used and I am about honesty here..I was used.

I will never forget what a female friend said to me during that time. (A female player friend by the way..ironic??) She told me, “He will be back.” I told here there was no way he would ever contact me again. He contacted me a little over three months ago to tell me he saw me out one night and to see how I was doing. I didn’t feed into it then. Players always come back. I’ve been on enough first and second dates with them to know that now. However, I shouldn’t have participated in conversation with him this time.   I engaged back because I was having a bad day and I felt like being mean.  This is why I am writing about it tonight.

Advice for today?  If you ever wondered if you were dating a player, one of the absolute biggest signs is he/she will circle back on you.  (psst: this has to be in conjunction with a bunch of other things.) Do not cave when they come back.  If the only two men were left on the planet were him and Pee Wee Herman, I’d be loving me some Pee Wee… Just sayin… To an intentional player, this circle back game is fun for them. They like to see if they can get back in after they’ve treated you like garbage.  If you have ever had someone play with your feelings….just know you’re not alone. Learn from it, accept it, forgive yourself, forgive the other person and move on. I will pray extra hard for Captain Dumb Ass. I hope he finds a way to stop. At 44, I expected a man to be done with the games…guess not! Remember to always play by your own rules when dating and never someone else’s.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

The “Vegas Woman”

If you’ve never lived here you don’t know. You probably think every woman is a cocktail waitress or stripper and that she lives on the strip. Okay, hopefully you don’t think that but you would be surprised at what some people’s assumptions can be.  The truth is there are regular communities, schools, churches, etc that never get shown in the movies. However, until I became single I never realized the incredibly fast and shallow single dynamic that existed in this city. It’s like this subculture I knew nothing about.

Once I realized that it was so very unfamiliar, I was terrified.  Then…of course…I got over it.  I discovered my competition in this city is a type of female I am no match for. It’s a VEGAS Chic! She is the reason real women have to constantly prove themselves to real men (I said real men.) I love me some lists. Here is a down and dirty (I freaking love that phrase) list of common traits I see in a Vegas woman.

• When they are in their twenty’s they are fresh still but have implants and are slowly lightening their hair or getting extensions, etc. It’s a process to be hotter and more perfect to obtain a rich dude or compete with the nightlife. They are often still fresh.
• When they are in their 30’s begin to spend all of their money on designer labels. If they have not hooked a rich guy yet, the self improvements will continue.
• Single “Las Vegas” women will frequent all of the places where affluent men will be.
• “Vegas” women will be over extended or use other creative means to maintain the constant upgrading of their bodies as well as to pay for the shiny BMW they drive. They usually earn less money than me but are always driving better cars and rocking better clothes. But hey I love driving an 8-year-old car with a broken window…really I do. heehee
• The “Las Vegas Woman” will not always be about landing a rich guy. Sometimes, they just get so caught up in the shallowness of the city and the pace of it that they become lost in it.
• A  “Las Vegas Women” at 40 will look like the ultimate poker player. Botox laden with an expressionless face and the mouth of a blow fish. It’s kind of scary.

• At the end of their game, a “Las Vegas Woman” will look tired and worn out. They have moved too fast. It catches up. 

******QUALIFIER***** I am not speaking about EVERY Las Vegas woman. Um hello…I AM a Las Vegas resident AND a woman. I am not referring to every woman who lightens their hair or has surgery. It’s the reason behind the improvements. Most of the women I am referring to are looking for something.  So hey don’t be offended. I am born and raised here. I always knew these women existed. However, being compared to them is a MUTHA. The irony lies in the fact I always thought I would stand out MORE being so real. That is just not usually the case.  What a trippy city I live in! Ah well…be true to yourself peeps.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Trying Too Hard?

Someone today accused me of trying too hard. Well that’s just effin hilarious considering the fact I have always been told I do not try hard enough. As soon as he said it, I felt my walls crash down around me like the jaws of a bear trap being shut. I responded quickly and grabbed a book. I successfully slid it under the wall before they slammed down all the way.  During this experience, there were three immediate impulses that crossed my mind.

1. I will back off and perhaps start talking to some of the men that seem to be so persistent. If he wants me he can come get me. (Can you say stupid? You don’t need to. I already know its stupid..derr)

2. I took it personal..like real personal. It made me feel like some sad and pathetic creature that is perhaps giving more than she is getting.

3. Maybe I should stop giving so much. I am a giver by nature. The only time I stop pouring affection on the people I love is when I am hurt. If I am content, I naturally want to give. Perhaps he doesn’t like that? If that is the case, perhaps he is not right for me? Wait a minute..who the heck doesn’t like that?

I squashed my feelings down and simply replied with,”I’m not trying too hard.” Now that’s progress! I didn’t act on impulse. Within 30 minutes I was no longer offended. I must admit it did mildly bother me even afterward. Although the more time that passes the sillier I feel my reaction was. Besides, I can’t do number one because I would never ever intentionally hurt him. I couldn’t do it. He is special to me and I would never want to lose his trust. I know I am not number 2 so I let it go. He is totally lucky to have me. (Better recognize homey..heehee) I will also never be able to stop doing number 3. Heck its one of my better qualities. I need all the good ones I have in order to outweigh the bad ones. HA! No seriously I do need ALL my good qualities dude.

Moral: Progress is measured in baby steps. Boy did I have to literally hold one hand down from the other in order to prevent myself from shooting off an eff you text or even worse a get lost text. I don’t want him to get lost. I mean that could be dangerous. We live in the desert. What if he ran out of water? (yeah I dunno where I am going with that..I will stop now.) Also, I did not let my walls slam down. I threw a book in at the last-minute because I figured using my foot would hurt. I also used my Statistics book from college and I am pretty sure that piece of junk deserved it! However, I didn’t go into ice queen mode. If he thinks I’m trying hard he’s right, but I am not trying just for him. I’m trying to be a better person. I am trying to have better relationships on all levels.  I figure if you want different results you need to do different things. Period.

If you can relate..try it! It’s kinda awesome!

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Getting Played: What’s it Feel Like?

Someone asked me recently what it feels like to date a player. I have been thinking about it ever since I read the question last weekend. My quick answer is it doesn’t feel good. Derr…It’s really not nice to play with someone’s head. I mean that’s a really crappy thing to do to someone who is dating with the good intentions of finding a partner. In fact, a player is why I started my blog.

I hate repeating myself but I entered the dating game late-like over a decade late. I never thought it would be hard. I mean I didn’t expect to run right out and find my true love but I really thought I would be beating great men off with sticks. HA HA HA! I really did just laugh out loud. I found idiots and sleezebags and drug users and jerks and weirdos.  Finding an actual nice man who caught my interest in the chemistry AND intellectual department was next to impossible.  I painfully discovered I was a BIG GIANT magnet for a player. Perhaps it was my lack of experience or my direct and independent nature that posed a challenge..I dunno? I beat myself up repeatedly over almost getting roughed up, on getting my feelings hurt and even stalked as a result of my inexperience. The result was my confidence came down several notches and I lost a small piece of my naivety. However,  I snapped out of that shiznit quick and decided to write. Soon thereafter, I discovered the method to spot a player and I am constantly trying to find different ways to educate anyone who is interested in avoiding them while dating. (If you want to troubleshoot a possible player situation, email me..I really do have that down.) I am not losing any sleep over any players ever again but I’ve been there.

So if you are asking me this as the player, the answer is that playing emotional games with a woman is horrible. It is demeaning and it is hurtful and it is what gives men a bad reputation. (not all men-I believe good men exist. I have one in my life.) I can honestly say there was one point in time when I had tears in my eyes over a jerk who totally took advantage of me that I actually understood why some women are bitter. Side note: If you are bitter…let that go too because it’s counterproductive.

My final opinion to your question: If you are an intentional player, shame on you. If you are in your twenties and just getting your feet wet..um okay. However, if you are in your mid thirties and beyond and still playing, I feel sorry for you. I guarantee that one day you will wake up at 60 and be all alone and perhaps that’s what you deserve. However, it’s not too late. We all make mistakes in life…just stop doing it. Treat women the way you would want someone to treat your daughter. Oh and psst: this advice goes both ways. To all my female players: Men are not your door mat. I am raising two boys and I don’t want them to be anywhere near a woman like that. Boom!

Until Next Time…Ciao!