Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Build ‘Em Up

beautifulI think a lot of people spend time pointing out the flaws in a person. It is a very easy thing to do. We are so quick to focus on what someone doesn’t do in our relationships. She doesn’t say this enough. He doesn’t do this enough. Some of us speak our thoughts out loud. Some of us do not. I guarantee you that thinking this way only leads to disappointment and poor relationships.

If you are always treating someone like they are lacking, they are always going to come up short. This will lead to that person always feeling inadequate and will create a sure path to destruction in your relationship. Maybe you just don’t comment on anything? That can be okay…..but….it is so much better if you “build up a person.” (DISCLAIMER: This doesn’t mean you are responsible for repairing a person’s entire sense of confidence. There is a fine line here. I am only referring to ensuring their confidence in how YOU feel about them.) So what’s the answer? I’m going to keep this simple.

Today’s Moral: If you want your partner to feel good about your relationship…freaking tell them what you think of them…um the good stuff. Focus on the things you really like about them. For example, if you think your girlfriend is an amazing kisser…tell her! Tell her often. You will be amazed what happens when a man/woman is very secure in your feelings for them. I know for a fact that a woman will blossom when she feels confident in your desire for her. Try it…for science.

Compliments

Until Next Time….Ciao!

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June 28, 2014 Posted by | Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

7 Things You Don’t Tell Your Significant Other

stupid things

Has your S.O. (psst: That’s short for Significant Other) ever opened his/her mouth and you wished you could shove a sock in it? Or even worse…..Have you ever watched the expression on your loved one’s face shatter as you cram your entire foot in your mouth? Then, once you said something incredibly insensitive, you just kept digging the hole deeper? I have. If you have never said something stupid you must be one of those perfect people and you really should teach…cuz I know LOTS of people who need the lessons (like um me.) Unfortunately,  I do not know of this perfect person…so…I wrote a list!

  1. Do not tell your S.O that you are very attracted to a certain “type” of person that does not match them. (It just isn’t a good idea people. You’ve instantly made someone insecure about his/her desirability ((I have no idea if that’s even a word yo..but I checked and it is!))
  2. Do not tell your S.O that you can’t see them anymore because your ex called you back. (Look some things need to be left out.  Things like that can be very damaging to the ego and NO I have not been told that but I’ve witnessed it.)
  3. Never EVER tell your S.O they look fat (I am especially giving this advice to the men. Even confident women might have to work on getting over that)
  4. Never EVVVVVVERRRRRR talk about the pleasurable sex life you had with your ex. (Some things are OFF limits. Why in the world would that even be mentioned? It’s really simple…stay focused on complimenting the sex life you currently have before it becomes your past as well. Derr)
  5. Do not tell your S.O that you want to be married some day but not to them. (Even if it’s the truth..leave it out. It’s hurtful and I am guilty…although it was the truth.)
  6. Do not attack your S.O’s moral character. (DISCLAIMER: If you are on your way out the door forever..perhaps a little truth-telling might be good. However, if you are planning on working it out, please remember this is the kind of stuff that sticks with a person.)
  7. Do not call names. (It’s just not cool. I used to do this in the early stages of my marriage. Although many of the names were true, it’s not nice or productive. I’ve also been on the receiving end of some of the vilest names you can call a woman..by someone who claimed to love me. It hurts.)

Today’s Advice: Words hurt. People like to say sticks and stones may break my bones…blah blah blah. The truth is that most damage is caused by what we say out of spite or stupidity. If you love your S.O. focus on building them up. (post on that coming.) Think through what you are saying. Please trust me on this..focus on the good. It says that in the bible you know. (I’m not trying to get preachy but…) It’s the truth.  Also, if your S.O. messes up forgive him/her if it was unintentional. (I personally stay away from people who say mean things from spite.) If it was stupid…forgive. Writing this out helped me remember that too. Even if you are not Christian, my favorite book in the bible has a lot of valuable lessons on love. I will leave you with my favorite.

1 Corinthians 13:4-12

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

 

April 3, 2014 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Dear Sara,

How should I break up with my boyfriend? I don’t want to be with him but I’m scared to tell him. So far, I’ve just been avoiding him.  Any advice?

Anonymous

I have a great strategy for this. Tell him you have a flesh-eating disease that is currently incubating but during this period of time it is highly contagious. No?

Okay, tell him you have to move to Yemen for work. (I’m not so sure I spelled it right and I’m pretty sure Chandler did it in Friends and it did not work.) No?

Maybe…just maybe….you can…tell him the truth. Okay, all jokes aside, this was an easy question to answer and post to write. (Probably why I chose it, cuz I’m feeling all kinds of lazy tonight.) This is easy for me because you need to be honest. The absolute worst thing you can do to the poor guy is drag it out and make him feel even worse while you ignore him. You absolutely need to put your big girl pants on and face this head on. Everyone knows I love lists…so here goes.

DO

  • Tell him right away.
  • Tell him in person and directly
  • If you absolutely can’t meet up with him, at least do it on the phone (I really do prefer the in person method)
  • Be gentle but honest
  • Keep it short and sweet-no need to spend two hours with the dude your dumping (Like a bandaid..just do it quickly)

DO NOT

  • Send him an email
  • Text him (it’s a different version of the above)
  • Use any cliché lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You just deserve a better person than me.” Its bogus and obvious..for realsies.
  • Turn it into a “Let’s pick on the poor guy getting dumped.” (Sometimes in an order to feel better people like to become confrontational and start picking on the person they are dumping…it helps them feel better about being the bad guy.)
  • Just disappear (This is one of the crappiest things you can do to a person. They deserve closure.)
  • Lie (The truth might hurt but lies are no bueno.)
  • Sink to his level if he gets angry. (If he does start a fight..just walk away. I mean you just broke up with him. It’s not like you have to deal with him again. Please try to be the bigger person and walk away.)

Moral: Breaking up with someone is HARD. However, if you have really made up your mind and you feel this is best…get it over with. It never pays to procrastinate…especially when I am sure you are nervous and the tension is building. The quicker you do it, the sooner you and him can move on. Plus…doesn’t he deserve to know sooner rather than later?  I know it’s hard, but do the right thing and be done with it. I wish you the absolute best with this venture….seriously, I know it sucks. I’ve broken up with men before too. Good luck!

Until Next Time….Ciao

Also, lies can escalate into bigger lies..Kinda like Chandler below. (You don’t want to have to buy a fake ticket to Yemen. If I really tried to lie, this is exactly how it would backfire on me. Ha!)

January 20, 2014 Posted by | Dating Advice, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It’s Too Freaking Soon!!

I have a friend that recently called off his engagement. By recently I mean like three months ago. In that time frame he has been rapidly dating. He has been serial dating. I am not judging him for this. Although I do think he is in a dangerous state of mind to be dating, that is his business. What I do think is unhealthy is how fast he has been introducing these women to his daughters.

My friend has two daughters and what we share in common is the fact that they lost their mother in 2012 just like my sons lost their father. If you do not know the pain and struggles involved with trying to fill in a whole you can’t possibly fill for your children, I am very grateful. I would never wish that fate on anyone. On my better days, I just feel inadequate. During a tough day, I am lost and helpless and just try to keep a smile on my face. However….I am derailing. I share this because these kids are in a different spot than most. They have lost something vital in their lives at an age where it is very difficult to cope. The last thing any of them need is to get overly attached. It is for this reason that I am so concerned about him and his awesome daughters.

In the last three weeks, the girls have met four different women. One woman that he has dated more regularly than the others has been spending a LOT of time with them.  The night he told me they all had family dinner and put up the Christmas tree together I felt shocked. I was compelled to say something. I knew it had to be gentle and non condemning.   I planned out what to say carefully. I care about him and his daughters. He has only known this woman for three weeks BUT he may care about her. However, before I could say something, he called me panicked to tell me the woman said she loved him! She loves him in three weeks? REALLLLLLLLLLY?????? “What did you say to her in response,” I queried. “I told her it was way too soon to say that,” he answered.  HOLY BETSY SCHMUCKERS! What is homegirl thinking?

I gently said, “I think you should slow this down. Don’t you think she has been spending a lot of time with the girls and getting really attached?” He replied, “Yes I do.” I asked him, “Why can’t you just date and get to know her? Maybe you should leave the family time out until you’re sure.” He said,”That sounds like a good idea.”  So at least I said something. His life is his to live. I felt much better after at least voicing my concern. I am only concerned because I can relate so well. The girls need a positive female role model in their lives. I get it. I would give almost anything to give my sons a father figure. BUT…I need my kids to see me making good decisions too. I can’t run the risk of them LOSING another father figure. I can’t just go out to the store and buy one. If I could, trust me, I would in a heartbeat. Life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t very fair-even to kids who deserve better. Those girls deserved a better hand of cards than what was dealt to them BUT they do have a parent that loves them dearly. That’s more than I had.

Moral for today? I’m going to make this short and sweet. If you are a single parent…be careful with who you let into your children’s life. Oh and before I forget….If someone you have been seeing for only three weeks professes to be madly in love with you and it is not love at first sight with you too…run! That’s the kind of obsession that can become dangerous.Kind of cray cray like homegirl below…just sayin! 

obsessive women

Until Next Time…Be careful and Ciao!

 

December 21, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Relationships, Single Parents, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Art of Winning

Do you know anyone who just can’t lose? They CAN NOT give up on an argument. It may go something like this:

Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were fat. I told you I think you’re great.

Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to insult me?

Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. Why am I punished for being honest?

Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.

Person 1: This is ridiculous. I am wrong for being honest.

This one is kinda obvious. Big effin derr you should not comment on someone’s size. (No this did not happen to me.  If it had, I would be writing this post from Clark County Jail due to Assault and Battery charges. I happen to have a squeaky clean criminal record.) I am using it as an example only…and yes it is extreme and obvious.  Many people think the art of winning in any real relationship is to be right. We have all made mistakes.  Perhaps you did not mean to hurt someone’s feelings. Perhaps you messed up. Perhaps you are the one who was truly right. I challenge you to think the situation through before you push for victory.

  • Are you really winning if the other party still feels hurt?
  • Does it matter more to prove a point than it does to resolve the situation? (If it does…rock on..but if you are the type of person that can’t EVER be wrong, you need a reality check.)
  • How important is it? (It may BE important. When I am really on a mission, I use my infamous single track mind to reach success. Do not back down if it is vital. However, if it will not affect me in the long run, if it does not push past a boundary I have set, if the other person’s feelings or happiness matter more…I can relent. I can give. I do not need to win every battle. My pride is not an issue when it comes to matters of the heart or even in matters of business strategy.)
  • Have you thought about it through the other person’s perspective? (Are you using compassion? Are you being fair? Are you overlooking the persons perspective?)
  • Please remember “winning” isn’t everything. It is only important when the issue REALLY matters..ie:boundary.

argument need to be right

So let’s rework the earlier argument.

Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were bigger. I told you I think you’re great.

Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to call me a name?

Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. I know it was not right to say. I apologize. I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose those words. 

Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.

Person 1: I understand, I really do.

At this point the conversation should be over.It is not good for either party to continue. Let.It.Go. The worst thing you can do is continue to hold it  against someone. In fact, I used to be very guilty of this. I try very hard to no longer bring up a partner or friends past mistakes. What good does it do?  I have found it to be counterproductive. Is it right to continuously punish someone for a mistake? No it is not. The art of winning is not only that you don’t always have to win. The second part is that just because you were wronged doesn’t mean that you can place the victory in your artillery chest to pull out for later. DO NOT go down this path my friends. If you are always throwing stuff in your partners face they will get tired of it. They will feel like they can never redeem themselves. We are human and therefore we are flawed. Forgiveness can be its own form of winning. So… Let.It.Go. As a bonus, it’s also really good for you too!

Advice for today? Sometimes it is better to resolve the situation. A relationship isn’t a scorecard. I will reiterate that you need to have boundaries in place…but sometimes winning doesn’t mean you win. Sometimes, you need to show understanding, love and support more than proving a point. Also, if you are wronged in a relationship, forgive and forget once resolution has been achieved. If we were repeatedly punished for every mistake we ever made, life would be rough yo. As long as it has been resolved, let it go. Grab the pain/hurt/anger and throw it out with the trash….cuz that’s where it belongs.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

November 17, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love and Marriage

Recently, my seven-year old son asked the man I am dating if he could become a new family member. Bless this man’s heart, he responded with, “First you would have to allow me to marry your mother.” My son looked him in the eyes and said, “Okay, you can marry my mom.” Oh.My.Goodness! I almost fell over! SHHHHH child…really? LOTS of thoughts raced through my mind at once.

  • Ummm did my son just offer me up?
  • Could this moment get any more awkward?
  • Am I a horrible mother for getting my son attached to this man?
  • How do I prepare my son for the possibility that he may not stay in our lives?
  • Should I just run and hide under my bed?

All I could do is change the subject. I apologized to my boyfriend and let him know that he’s 7 and has no filter. He just really likes him and wants him around. This morning, my 7-year-old asked where (insert name here) was and I told him he lived at his own house. My son said he wished he saw him more. Now I am feeling like DOG MEAT. My sons have been through so much. I may have made a huge mistake in my own selfish effort to not be alone.

A friend called me yesterday and I asked for his advice. I mistakenly asked for his advice. My friend lectured me on the fact that if the man I am seeing is not willing to commit than I am being used and dating someone afraid of commitment. WHAT THE WHAT? I was hoping for advice on my son and how to handle it. Instead my friend told me that after 6 months, this guy should know what he wants from me. Then he started grilling me. Have you had a talk about the future? (Um kinda..at least I’ve stated what I want in my future) Do you think it’s funny that he is almost 40 and never been married? (No not really) When are you going to tell him what you are looking for? (Who are you to tell me what I am looking for buddy?) Has he stated how he felt about you? (Yes..He loves me and with the way things are going now, he sees a future but it is too soon.) You do realize that he can’t enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment..don’t you? (WAIT a second. We are not shacking. We are just dating. Who said we were acting married? What are YOU smoking?)

This stemmed a long conversation about how you HAVE to know by now. I HAVE to know and he HAS to know. Otherwise, it is a game and I am being used. Well…it really hasn’t been THAT long..ya know…and REALLY this whole conversation started over my guilt about my youngest son. When my boyfriend tells me that as of “now” he sees a future, he is clearly not ready. I never even thought about it until this entire debate with my friend started. I am NEVER going to mention marriage EVER again to someone I date like I did with my ex. I had the “talk” with me ex. I explained how I didn’t  want the kids attached and that’s why I don’t let him over a lot. My exes response was hilarious (now it’s hilarious..it really pissed me off at the time.) My ex said, “Are you looking for me to take on you and the kids?” (Take on? Say what sucka? Like we need help financially..um cuz we don’t, we get along just fine financially all by ourselves.. or we are some type of heavy baggage..I was shocked.) I discovered that you just don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear an answer to. Ironically by the time he was ready to commit there had been so many insinuations that me and my children were a burden, I had already decided that I did not really want to marry someone what viewed my family that way. Ironic huh? 

I told my friend there is no way that will happen again. Hell, I want to marry someone who really wants me and that I don’t have to worry about how he feels. My kids freaking rock and that’s how I want the man I marry to feel.  I hate time stamping anything but I will not wait around for a man to be sure forever…BUT is 7.5 months really that long? My friends whole point is that my boyfriend should be sure now. Finally, I stopped the conversation. I told him I was sick of talking about my love life. Why don’t we talk about his? That shut him the hell up. heehee…I like it when I am savvy and mature.

MORAL??? Well I have asked a few people about this magical and mystical 6 month mark. Ironically…they agreed! The jury is still out for me on that one. I mean who can put a time frame on something? I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t wish there was a magical number…because I kinda do. Although, I believe with my entire heart that GOD knows best. It’s HIS plan, not mine. I will say that if it doesn’t work out, I am not bringing another man into their lives for a long long time.  I can’t be the kind of mom that keeps getting them attached to men. My little guy is just sooooo in love with my boyfriend and even my teenager really admires him. I have seen him put his guard down and trust my boyfriend and that is saying something after the tragedy. I can’t keep doing it to them. What can I say?? I just have a feeling about this one and have almost since I met him. That’s why I let him in so fast. If it doesn’t work, I clearly can’t trust my own judgement. I can’t break my kids heart over and over so I won’t be alone.  I know people come and go. I’m a big girl who has discovered people can leave.  It’s the kids I gotta think about.  If you are a single parent dating I caution you to be careful too. You deserve to find love but….just be aware.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

October 31, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Single Parents, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What’s Your Love Language?

5 love languages

We all interpret love through different ways. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a must read if you are looking to expand that type of  knowledge.  For example, you could be with someone who needs words of affirmation and your normal method of expressing love is through gift giving.  This could lead to a hot mess if you’re not careful. Learning about the five love languages is an excellent way to discover how your significant other feels love and possibly improve your relationship through understanding. Below are the five languages the author refers to.

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

I took the test and was not surprised by my primary love language (Acts of Service.) This means I feel most loved when people are helping me. This did not shock me. I feel loved when my significant other demonstrates acts of service. (Ironic that it has always been so hard for me to ASK for help..but that’s another story.)This could mean with a project, fixing a chair or helping me with errands. However, it doesn’t have to be a household repair. It can even be as simple as someone thinking of me first and remembering to include me. The key to making me feel loved (yes I am using me as an example in order to illustrate) is simple. However, if someone breaks a promise or doesn’t help or helps others but never me-I take it twice as hard as most people because it is my primary love language. If I need acts of service to feel loved and the reverse is given….I feel…drum roll please…..unloved. No amount of “I love you’s” will change that. I am enlightened enough to already know this about myself. Too many people can say they love you. I’m on the lookout for the ones who show it when it counts most.  Although, I was surprised by my secondary love  language-Quality Time.

I was shocked because it kind of shatters the illusion of my oh so independent nature. I have several hobbies and I work full-time and I am raising two children. However, when I think about it, I do feel loved when someone wants to spend time with me. The key for me is not quantity per se.  The key is QUALITY. I need focused attention…err sometimes.  This means when I feel ignored, I feel unloved. This also means when someone genuinely shows interest in my day/experience/life on a consistent basis, I feel loved. People who need quality time aren’t always about having every free moment with someone. It’s about that person taking the time to inquire about that person..to listen and to offer support. I am always irritated by someone who never bothers to ask me anything. How can I share my life with someone if they never SHOW me they care enough to ask? I immediately interpret it as a lack of interest and feel…..drum roll……unloved.  I scored the lowest on Gift Receiving. I like gifts! However, I do not need them to feel loved. Although, this is not to dismiss other people’s need for a gift to feel loved. Perhaps this person does not need something as serious as a new car (not everyone in this category is a gold digger.) Maybe that person needs a small token of being thought of-flowers, romantic card, etc.  Now HERE’S the tricky part in a relationship.

Moral: A relationship isn’t just about YOU or ME. (I know, I know…crazy right???) A real relationship is about the other person too. If you are in a relationship, try to think about what the OTHER person needs in order to feel loved. Do you love her/him? If so..make an effort to figure it out. Communication is not just about complaining, it is about talking and learning and discovering. Ask questions and do not assume you have them figured out. I guarantee you…you aint that smart..none of us are. These are the hard tasks of a healthy relationship. If the communication is successful, it is well worth the investment. To not care about the other partners needs is to create resentment and the eventual demise of the relationship. Trust me..been there, done that. 

****DISCLAIMER: This is all my humble opinion. If you think this is all a load of poop..okay. That’s your right. If you are in love with someone and facing challenges, I think it might be worth exploring.  What can it hurt? I’m not saying it’s the gospel truth. I am suggesting that it is worth reading. Take it for what it’s worth yo****

Until Next Time…I left the link to the authors website below. Check it out…maybe?  CIAO!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

October 23, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

5 Signs That You’re the Back-up Date

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while now.   Today I received an email that enabled me to start on this post again.

Dear Sara,

I have been dating this guy for about three months. He calls me regularly for about two weeks and then disappears. He always asks me out on last-minute dates. The dates go well but then he disappears. Why do you think he does that?

Anonymous

Here are 5 signs that you are the back up date:

  1. The person calls you regularly then disappears
  2. The person shows interest and then runs cold for periods of time
  3. The object of your affection always asks you out at the last-minute (once in a while is ok, but always is a red flag)
  4. He/she is not moving forward in the relationship (if it’s been months and you still only see him/her once a week..there might be an issue.)
  5. He/she demonstrates random behavior (calls a lot, stops calling. Always responds to text messages, then stops. It’s really a continuation of number 2.)

I am sorry Anonymous. I think there is a strong chance you are the back-up date. My advice is to stop seeing him. I would let him know that you are looking for a more consistent relationship. Be honest and then walk away. You can’t make someone want to make you a priority.  I know that sucks and it hurts (I’ve been there) but if you walk away now, you can find someone who DOES want to make you a priority. Good luck my friend!  To my male friends (and female) please drop this attitude. There is no point in dating just to date…not when you’re a grown up.

backup date

Until Next Time…Ciao!

October 22, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Players, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I am NOT Afraid!

I was talking with a good friend last week and he told me I was afraid of commitment. That just struck me as hilarious. I pointed out that I have ALWAYS stated that I wanted to be married someday. In fact, he was the one that always said he NEVER wanted to be married and then he proposed to his girlfriend after three months. He replied with, “Yeah but you had a chance to settle down and did not.” I responded quickly with, “That’s because I knew he wanted to do it out of obligation. He never really wanted that type of life with me.” He told me, “See I told you you’re afraid. That’s why you burned through all those guys you were dating.”  FIRST OF ALL: I did not burn through ALL of them. Some of them were real creepos. Some of them bored the HELL outta me. Some of them wanted me to put out on the third date. Some of them just didn’t feel right. Some of them weren’t interested in me. I am not like him. I didn’t latch on to the first normal person I dated because so many people are freaking weird in this city. I may hate living alone but not enough to settle. Not when I feel like I have so much to offer. (Yeah I said it. I DO bring some cool things to the table.) Of all of my friends, he should understand what it’s like being stuck in a horrible marriage. It.Sucks. I don’t expect perfection but I am not settling. My friend laughed at me. He asked me, “Do you think this guy is the one?” I responded quickly with my answer. He laughed again and said but you’re still scared.  This got me thinking.

My friends perception of me isn’t as crazy as I thought. (I feel free to write about this because it’s the truth and no one I know really reads my blog. Although I have offered for them to.) I have thought of running a MILLION times in this relationship. I love him. He is really good for me. He is the most rational relationship I have ever been in and I want him. I am not used to it. I am used to intense craziness. I am used to men filling my head with beautiful things only to never be there when I need them. I am used to..well…dysfunctional men.  For some reason the fact that it is healthy and still makes me happy scares the hell out of me. It makes it more real to me. While I should be elated (and I am) I can’t help but feel scared. What if I fail? What if the kids get attached and I make a huge mistake? How can I set everyone up for that again? What am I doing? You see dear readers, it is not just me on the line. What if he doesn’t like always being around my kids? (I can thank my ex for that.) I know they are great but geesh parenting is such a huge responsibility in my life. No one will ever be their father but someone coming into this household will have a much larger role in their life because their father is dead. I can’t change that. It’s the cards that were dealt to me.  Then I chastise myself for even thinking these thoughts. I am thinking them because every day I have is better with him in it. It is not always exciting. I do not always agree with him. It is not perfect. However, it just dawned on me that this is why it feels so real. I can’t deny that..at least not to myself. I can deny it to my friend…heehee. The thing with good friends though is they always call you out.

So he laughed his butt off at my expense while I explained I am not scared of commitment. He jokingly pointed out that I am totally sure of the guy but start stuttering when he asked me about long-term commitment with the guy. My epiphany is that I am absolutely terrified of it. I am also absolutely terrified of not having it. (Try to make sense of that shiznit, cuz I’m still trying to.) I am just terrified of letting everyone I love down and failing again. I used to think I was a good wife. However, the more time that passes I wonder if that was the case. Someone told me recently that people are the most honest when they are drunk. The man I married was always drunk. He said some of the most vicious and mean things to me when he was drinking. If there is any truth to that, he really hated me.  I can’t digest that and I can’t ask him about it because he’s gone. I confess that towards the end of our marriage I strongly suspected he couldn’t stand me anymore than I could stand him. I can’t understand why he wanted me back so bad (I mean he NEVER gave up) if he really felt that way about me. It’s starting to mess with my head.

However,  the last three years my life has been a series of incredibly unfamiliar experiences. I don’t like it but I know it is why I have grown so much in such a short period of time.  I know if I had met him at a different time, I would have run away months ago. It is just more real than anything I have experienced. (Real means..it is perfect in its normal imperfections.) He is not perfect but I believe he is who he says he is. I believe in him. I do not know if I believe in myself yet. I believe in myself in many ways. I believe I am capable and strong and at the core a good person. I just don’t know if I am worthy of anything real like him. I want him. I answered my friend without a second of hesitation. Although, a wonderfully simple day like today made me realize how terribly vulnerable I still feel. I know that sounds stupid as hell but hey..It’s my blog yo.

So what’s my moral: My moral is that I don’t need to find the answer today. I do not need to worry about commitment or lack of commitment or anyone else’s opinion. I do not need to run from something that I cherish. (that’s just plain old stupid anyways) What I know I need to work on (and if you can relate, I want you to try to work on it as well) is the fact that I deserve to be happy. I do not know how to reach that point but I recognize it in myself. I am a woman of faith. I am turning this over to GOD because he definitely has a better handle on stuff like this than I could ever have.  In the meantime, I will pray and strive to be the best person I can be, and….um try to not be quite as stupid as I used to be. If you are reading this and can relate, do not let fear dictate your actions. Operating in Fear = failure. 

Until next time… Ciao!

September 24, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Players Always Come Back!

Players always circle back on me. It’s like I’m on their quarterly rotation or something! So I received a message from a real douche..err gem of a man yesterday that basically asked me casually if I could help him find a job. He stated, “I noticed you’re on LinkedIn, do you have a job for me?” I waited and I debated. I am working on growing as a person. I should be mature and ignore him. This is the only man who ever officially played me. Why in the world would I reply?

Well….The answer is cuz I’m immature….derr. So I answered in a very lady-like manner. I replied with, “I didn’t know you were looking for a job. I have a great Proctologist I can refer you to.” See! I can keep it classy! He responded with, “I’m not but judging by your response, it sounds like you need one.” Now I never loved this cat. In fact, I don’t even know who he really is. You can’t feel deeply for someone you don’t know. He was sarcastic like me with a quick wit that amused me and kind of nice.  I allowed him to crawl inside my head during a time when I was very very vulnerable and he took advantage of that. (Although I am certainly responsible for letting him.) However, I don’t really care much other than he is still a mystery to me. Oh and like I said he is really my only “mistake.”  He doesn’t qualify to even be considered an ex.  I haven’t seen him in over a year. This man proceeded to tell me that he viewed my profile because he missed me. HA! How very amusing to me.

Captain Dumb Ass…we will call him that… is not a nice man. You can refer to any of my posts about players and see he fits the stereotype to a T. Everything you tell him, he pushes back on me. I call him a player, he says, “No you’re the player.” When I tried to stop seeing him over a year ago (during the brief tenure of our dating) he pushed back HARD to keep me. He didn’t do this because he cared. He did it because players like a challenge. In my naive and inexperienced head I thought, “Wow he must really be into me because he’s fighting for me.” Although when I paid attention to him, he came and went as he pleased including answering calls and texts. It was on his time frame. That’s because I was only interesting to him when there was a game running in his head. When it ended, I was stung. I mean he was only one of two men that EVER really caught my interest in my single adventure. (The other I am happily dating so score for me.) However, I didn’t see his behavior coming and I was just caught 100% off guard. I felt very used and I am about honesty here..I was used.

I will never forget what a female friend said to me during that time. (A female player friend by the way..ironic??) She told me, “He will be back.” I told here there was no way he would ever contact me again. He contacted me a little over three months ago to tell me he saw me out one night and to see how I was doing. I didn’t feed into it then. Players always come back. I’ve been on enough first and second dates with them to know that now. However, I shouldn’t have participated in conversation with him this time.   I engaged back because I was having a bad day and I felt like being mean.  This is why I am writing about it tonight.

Advice for today?  If you ever wondered if you were dating a player, one of the absolute biggest signs is he/she will circle back on you.  (psst: this has to be in conjunction with a bunch of other things.) Do not cave when they come back.  If the only two men were left on the planet were him and Pee Wee Herman, I’d be loving me some Pee Wee… Just sayin… To an intentional player, this circle back game is fun for them. They like to see if they can get back in after they’ve treated you like garbage.  If you have ever had someone play with your feelings….just know you’re not alone. Learn from it, accept it, forgive yourself, forgive the other person and move on. I will pray extra hard for Captain Dumb Ass. I hope he finds a way to stop. At 44, I expected a man to be done with the games…guess not! Remember to always play by your own rules when dating and never someone else’s.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

September 19, 2013 Posted by | Players, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment