Try Something Different

I watch my friends repeat themselves all the time. Um yes…I make mistakes all the time. However, it’s easier to see a problem from the outside. It just is. (Now that we’ve cleared that up, I will continue.) I observe my friends falling for the same type of person over and over and over and…the relationships fail. I am going to use case studies.

I have a male friend that only dates party girls. Yes, over time the women have gotten a little less stripper and perhaps a little more barfly. Maybe that’s not even being fair..but definitely not a “good girl.” (I am not dogging out my wild sisters…I love you guys and I am often amazed at the ability to be so carefree.) However, my friend wants a family. He feels his male clock is ticking at 36. (SIDE NOTE: Neither men nor women should feel rushed to settle. There are plenty of people who start families later in life.) Back to the point! The women he gravitates toward are pretty in a harder way and usually like to party and usually date a LOT of different men. Do you see where I am going with this? These women DO NOT want a family or a husband. Well…not usually. So what happens? He ends up getting hurt and then he is just so shocked by it, he falls into a slump. All I can think of is that old fable about the woman who saved a snake…then the snake bites her. The snake replies with, “You knew I was a snake when you saved me.”

I know a woman in a similar boat. She always dates douche bags. The type of men that purposely treat her poorly then disappear for a while. (I know you know the type of man I am talking about.) Then they end up breaking up with her or cheating and she comes running to me in tears. Why is she always dating jerks? The last one I spotted within thirty minutes of meeting him by the way he was checking out every girl he saw…while she was with him. Poor thing doesn’t want to listen and I only offer solicited advice. I try to not mettle in others affairs. Do you see how this pattern of repetitively choosing the same type of guy is NOT working? I wish she did.

Moral for today: Can I be blunt? Of course I can! This is my blog! The truth is…you can’t ALWAYS do the same thing over and over and expect different results. If you are getting the SAME type of problems OVER and OVER again…try looking for common denominators. Is it you? Is it the type of person you are dating? Is it both? I don’t know…but as I’ve said before..If you want a different result, you have to DO different things. It’s really logical if you think about it. Look for patterns and change them. If this is something you can relate to, try it! Do it for science. Albert Einstein coined it well when he said:

 

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Dear Sara,

How should I break up with my boyfriend? I don’t want to be with him but I’m scared to tell him. So far, I’ve just been avoiding him.  Any advice?

Anonymous

I have a great strategy for this. Tell him you have a flesh-eating disease that is currently incubating but during this period of time it is highly contagious. No?

Okay, tell him you have to move to Yemen for work. (I’m not so sure I spelled it right and I’m pretty sure Chandler did it in Friends and it did not work.) No?

Maybe…just maybe….you can…tell him the truth. Okay, all jokes aside, this was an easy question to answer and post to write. (Probably why I chose it, cuz I’m feeling all kinds of lazy tonight.) This is easy for me because you need to be honest. The absolute worst thing you can do to the poor guy is drag it out and make him feel even worse while you ignore him. You absolutely need to put your big girl pants on and face this head on. Everyone knows I love lists…so here goes.

DO

• Tell him right away.
• Tell him in person and directly
• If you absolutely can’t meet up with him, at least do it on the phone (I really do prefer the in person method)
• Be gentle but honest
• Keep it short and sweet-no need to spend two hours with the dude your dumping (Like a bandaid..just do it quickly)

DO NOT

• Send him an email
• Text him (it’s a different version of the above)
• Use any cliché lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You just deserve a better person than me.” Its bogus and obvious..for realsies.
• Turn it into a “Let’s pick on the poor guy getting dumped.” (Sometimes in an order to feel better people like to become confrontational and start picking on the person they are dumping…it helps them feel better about being the bad guy.)
• Just disappear (This is one of the crappiest things you can do to a person. They deserve closure.)
• Lie (The truth might hurt but lies are no bueno.)
• Sink to his level if he gets angry. (If he does start a fight..just walk away. I mean you just broke up with him. It’s not like you have to deal with him again. Please try to be the bigger person and walk away.)

Moral: Breaking up with someone is HARD. However, if you have really made up your mind and you feel this is best…get it over with. It never pays to procrastinate…especially when I am sure you are nervous and the tension is building. The quicker you do it, the sooner you and him can move on. Plus…doesn’t he deserve to know sooner rather than later?  I know it’s hard, but do the right thing and be done with it. I wish you the absolute best with this venture….seriously, I know it sucks. I’ve broken up with men before too. Good luck!

Until Next Time….Ciao

Also, lies can escalate into bigger lies..Kinda like Chandler below. (You don’t want to have to buy a fake ticket to Yemen. If I really tried to lie, this is exactly how it would backfire on me. Ha!)

Loss and Grief

June 15, 2012 changed my life. That was the day I had to look my children in the eyes and tell them they will never see their father again. That was the day I began to carry a burden that almost crushed me. That was the day I realized-I mean really realized-that life was terribly short. One moment in time can change your whole life. I can’t explain how that feels. I can’t explain how it feels to break your own children’s hearts. I can’t explain what it’s like to be left holding everyone together and to not have one moment to breakdown yourself or anyone to listen…to have to be strong and to be helpless at the same time. I hope you never know.

A dear friend told me today that she doesn’t understand how I managed it. She proceeded to say she doesn’t know how I still handle it. I let her know I sometimes still get shocked by it but that I do not dwell on it. In fact, every day gets a little easier and acceptance continues to sink in.  Ironically, the SAME day the women in my office were talking about a father/son event. One of my employees innocently said, “I don’t know how you handle it. Fathers are so important to sons. They must miss him a lot.” I think it’s funny how something said with such innocence can bring back all the panic that helplessness always manages to bring out in me. I kinda shrugged it off and went to the bathroom where I cried a little. (This is a good girls guide so I have to be honest.) However, I can’t stand it when women turn on the waterworks all the time. I try soooo hard to not cry. It seems like the tears fall so easily over the last couple of years.  I try to do it in private.

However, each day really is better. Each moment is just a little bit easier. I have begun to enjoy the small things again and to look forward to a bright future. I have found a vulnerability in myself that enables me to love life and people in such a different way than before he died. I am stronger. Loss and grief are bad….but they are not the end of the world.  My children will heal. I am breathing again. I am happy again.

Moral???? The moral isn’t poor me or poor you or even my poor kids. The moral is that grief is a process. I realized today that it’s the journey that matters. My sons are good. They are strong. They still laugh. My mother in law is surviving and trying to heal. Most of us in this world are just trying to make our way through it. When life seems to be at its darkest, I encourage you to remember the clock is still ticking. Life doesn’t stop. You can stumble and you can cry but we all need to move on. You can heal and thrive or you can wallow in the loss. The choice is up to you. Please try to make it a good choice.

Until Next Time here’s a song I can relate to…Ciao!

 

THANK YOU!!!!

Thank you to Relationships Reinvented for nominating me for the Blog of the Year Award. I am flattered and honored because I really love your blog! Thank you and thank you and thank you! 2013 was a trip. I have grown more in the last year than I could ever imagine. While I am definitely ready to reach a point of stability and security in my life, I am just not there yet. I am hopeful! I am happy! I am lame!! (oops that slipped)

Writing helps me but so does reading what the talented writers of the Word Press community have to share as well as trying to help the people who contact me. It is on that note that I will share the rules of the award…..but first go to Relationships Reinvented’s blog. It’s impressively written by twin flames that were able to unite. Pretty neato!

The ‘rules’ for this award are simple:

1. Select another blog(s) who deserve the award;

2. Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award;

3. Include a link back to this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award and provide these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)

4. Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them

5. You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience.

6. As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…

I love ALL the blogs I follow. I may not always comment, but I’m always reading.

• Dating Dramas of a Thirty Something: She is waiting for her happily ever after…I get it. So am I!
• A Series of Very Bad Decisions: Dating does suck. Her blog consists of her struggles in finding a suitable suitor. Plus she’s funny!
• Like Crazy: She was one of the  first blogs I started following. I love reading about her college, romantic and life adventures.
• Break Room Stories: Hilarious! It’s a blog about the life of a waiter. It actually includes many contributors.
• Why I Can’t Stop Reading: It’s a book review blog! Do I really need to say anything else. I love me some books!
• Vegas Thoughts: He takes podcasts of Vegas nightlife. You know I am born and raised here but I don’t really “know” the nightlife. I  chose a different path when I was in my 20’s and I am actually kinda sheltered. The videos are entertaining!
• Chin up Chest High: A blog about a man and his struggles in love and life. I enjoy reading your posts and they usually give me a different perspective.
• Congeez: She’s a fairly new blogger but I will always admire a strong-willed and independent woman.

There are sooo many more I could highlight. These are really only a handful but they are worth checking out.  I know many people tease about the blog awards but I think at the minimum they are a way to support other writers. I love the fact that ANYONE reads what I write and I am especially flattered that they liked it enough to nominate me. For now I will say thanks again, Happy New Year, and keep writing!

Look out 2014!!! Here I come!

Until Next Time….Ciao