Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Homeboys Got More Baggage Than the Airport

There once was a boy who thought he loved a girl whose eyes were blue. He had so much baggage he didn’t know what to do. He hurt her feelings and put her last over other things. So the girl finally hit him with a shoe.

Just kidding! I am no poet…or am I? The truth is I want to talk about a couple I knew that were just no gosh darn good for each other.

There was a couple that really had trouble from the start. They were both ending bad relationships and definitely not in any position to fall in love. Ironically, they did fall in love-well maybe-what do I know of that really? With nothing in common except the fact that they were both outrageously immature and proud of it, they sought comfort with each other. Any fool could see they were both broken from their failed marriages but no one could tell them this. The relationship actually lasted for about 1.5 years and might have made it all the way. However, over time the problems arose.

The problems were not the fact that the man was significantly older than the woman. The problems were not even their immaturity.(They both demonstrated that their child like ways transferred into poor communication and even poorer actions.) The problem was homeboy’s baggage and his incredibly selfish actions.  You see the combination of poor communication, immaturity and mistakes could have been worked out. What can never ever be fixed is someone projecting his past failures onto his new relationship. It.Just.Won’t.Work. In fact, once this man realized he really was a big coward and never intended to give the woman what she so desperately wanted from him (marriage-a normal happy marriage with someone she loved) he should have stopped seeing her.

He did not stop seeing her. He played with her and he used her and he made her feel like she was not worthy of commitment. He announced undying love while at the same time he acted like she was just another scheming woman. He told her he had never known a woman like her and then stated he was a failure at marriage and partnerships and could not do it again. He let her know he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and in the same breath told her he could never see himself living with her because of her children. He told her he changed his mind. Then he changed his mind again..then again.  This is what made him so selfish. This behavior is what made all of her friends and family hate him. What do you think the woman started doing?

The woman started crying more and feeling insecure. The woman guilted and then the woman walled off from him and became distant. She finally gave one hard push and away he went. She came back. She left. She came back again. He changed his mind. She came back. She left. On and on this went until both of them were behaving crazily. One day the woman realized she would never marry this man. Not because she didn’t love him but because she would never marry anyone that made her feel that unwanted. She dreamed of a man proposing out of love and desire not OBLIGATION. She left. She came back because…damn this woman was weak when it came to love. (I mean it was pathetic to watch towards the end.) The man changed his mind. He wanted to look at houses. He wanted them to move away together. She told him no. She left….and did not come back. She realized that her love did not matter. Nothing she did with him mattered. He needed to fix his fear of commitment or not. It was not her problem. Her problem was loving him. Loving him hurt.  So the woman decided to stop hurting herself. Life is hard enough.

The End….

What did I learn from this story???? Do NOT let your cowardice ruin a relationship.  If you can’t stop your baggage from hurting someone, let them go. Real love is about wanting the other person to be happy-even if it means you have to lose the person in order for that to happen. Also, do not let someone you love continue to hurt you. When it hurts more to be with someone than it does to be without them, it’s time to go. I have discovered that love is not enough. It takes two to make a relationship work.

PS: The woman is happy again. She has overcome so many things in the last year. Why would someone who once claimed to care want to take that happiness from her?

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June 28, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Say What?? Things You DON’T Ever Really Need To Say

We’ve all done it! We’ve all encountered the type of situation where you just decided you wanted to see what your own foot tastes like. In fact, if I had a quarter for every time I did it, I would have at least $0.75. (yeah I’m kinda sorta lying.) The truth is, I’ve had so many experiences where I have opened my mouth and the words just flew out. I quickly reached for them so I could put them back in my mouth but I couldn’t catch them in time. I knew those gosh darn words were wrong the second they left my mouth but there was no going back. My only recourse was hasty apologies. You see, people like to say that words don’t hurt but they do. Did you know that it takes, 7 compliments to counteract one insult? It’s true because I read it on the internet…derr. Okay, seriously have you ever noticed how much easier it is to believe the bad stuff you hear about yourself. I don’t care if you believe it or not. It took years of positive reinforcement to see myself as who I am today…and I do see myself positively. (No offense..okay..I’m just in one of my über blunt moods. I received a troublesome phone call from someone and I am hoping he gets a flesh-eating bacteria on his butt… the curable “yet painful” kind.) Back to the topic at hand! Let’s discuss some things you should not say..ever really.

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  • “Not to be rude but” or “No offense but” (If you need to phrase a statement with this type of opening line, follow my grandmother’s advice and don’t. If you know you’re going to be rude, don’t say it! Duh!)
  • “To make a long story short.” (All I can think of when I hear this line is..too late.) I know it’s not offensive..it just bugs me so I decided to add it. I think it’s the full moon.
  • Do not tell a man you care about that he is a punk. (Or a wussy or anything non manly. It has been my experience that men take that very seriously. It is much better to demonstrate respect to a man-even when it’s only partially deserved. If you treat a man like a man, the chances are he will be encouraged to act like one. Try it…what can you lose?)
  • Do not tell a woman you care about anything negative about her appearance-especially non-solicited comments. (Argue with me if you want but a woman will usually blossom under adoration. If you make a woman feel beautiful and adored through kind words and actions, you will assist in creating an empowered, confident woman. The results will blow your mind.)***QUALIFIER: You can’t make her confident as a person but you might make her confident in your feelings about her-this is what I am referring to***
  • Do not EVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you know she is. The results could be awful. (Oh I’ve been there and done that..but she straight up looked prego…I swear. I never assume anymore.)
  • I do not recommend laughing at a mans actions, thoughts or behavior…well not to his face. I have been guilty of this. Not intentionally..but if I get laughed at over running from a bug, I take it in stride. When men get laughed at (in my humble and limited experience) they take it as a sign of disrespect. I’m pretty sure about this but hey it’s just my opinion-right?
  • Don’t ever ask a person to let you know when they are finished talking. (Yes I AM speaking from personal experience. Boy howdy did I make someone at work mad by asking her that…oops)
  • If someone angrily asks you why you’re looking at them like they have something on their face..don’t say, “Actually you do..right there” or any variation of that. (That one will cause you problems..been there done it. heehee)
  • Don’t ever tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you would never marry them. Oh and especially don’t tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you want to be married some day AND you don’t want to marry them. (They seem to get offended by that..go figure..)

I could go on and on but I don’t really want to. What’s my moral? Please think before you speak. This is sage advice I practice all the time. I am naturally forthright; and I always tend to unabashedly say what is on my mind. Sometimes, we really shouldn’t. In a relationship of any kind, it may cause irreversible damage. So if you don’t think you should say it….um don’t.

 

Until Next Time…Ciao!

June 25, 2013 Posted by | Just for Fun, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Romantic Irony!

Okay so I don’t want my friends figuring out I blog about them. (I’m not too worried because I’m pretty sure no one I know in real life reads my blog. Except maybe my ex but whatevs.) BUT in the interest of being fair, I am gonna mix my stories up a little bit.  Ya know…keep you on your toes and stuff..so um yeah. I want to talk about a few instances I have observed.

I have a friend that is a major player. Let’s just say its a male friend and lets just make you wonder if it is really a male or female friend I am really referring to. Hey..that’s how I roll. My player friend is rather handsome and very funny. (Before anyone “goes there ” this friend is just a friend. I could never compete with the type of  women he dates and I wouldn’t want to compete .) Besides, I’m totally and completely vibing on someone. Anyway’s this friend is constantly doing things like: 1. Dating multiple women 2. Getting those women all kinds of worked up 3. Dumping and or never calling said women. 4. Using lines like, “I’m not a player I just crush a lot.” So one day my friend meets his/her match. Suddenly he is jumping through hoops and not getting his calls returned. I’m sorry to be constantly referencing hip hop songs but he’s sprung. So he’s still MY friend and I told him he can do better than that stupid and immature girl. I pointed out the player behavior and it was like light bulbs went on. He said, “I’m not a player.” I said, “um yeah you kinda are.” heehee . Then I let it drop because people can change themselves and he’s not a bad person at all. I’m pretty sure he’s moved on and not losing any sleep over it but for a minute he was calling me with comments like: “She cancelled on my last two dates and went to dinner with another man but I think that’s because she’s scared of being hurt.” Yeah I told him the truth. She was playing him like a fiddle….I just love the irony of it. Kinda like this..irony-16

I have another friend who was cheating on her long-term boyfriend. When I use the term friend, I am using it loosely. The truth is I have been slowly losing all respect for her. She has a man who cherishes her. He is clearly in love with her and goes out of his way to show her and do nice things for her. She’s been with him for 5 years and she won’t marry him. He doesn’t know it but I think it’s a blessing for him. I think he can do better. (Just makes me sick that I sat in these crappy one-sided relationships and tried so damn hard but she just abuses this poor man.) Oops...I’m digressing. So I am using the present tense and I shouldn’t. He actually left her the day he walked in and caught her cheating. ICK ICK ICK! Poor man. I last heard he had moved out-of-town. My girlfriend was devastated and I could not commiserate with her. I just couldn’t. Maybe she will learn. She made her bed..she was left heart broken and now realizes what she lost….ironic huh?

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Finally, I have a friend who never wanted to be married. He had been married twice and didn’t want to do it again. (Once again, this is just a friend but even if I felt differently, he would be 100% disqualified because he didn’t want to ever be married.) I bonded with him quickly as friends because we were both in serious relationships our entire adult lives and did not know how to date. We actually had a lot in common except chemistry. So we all agree dating sucks right? He’s got war stories that almost make mine pale in comparison. (I have a post coming out on that subject..wait for it yo.) Finally he meets a nice librarian. She is attractive in a conservative type of way and she is soft-spoken and she is VERY nice. She’s a good woman although she is kinda a wallflower and my friend is not. Who cares though cuz opposites attract..blah blah blah. So within 3 months he proposes to her. (What the what???) I softly voiced a concern and then let him know I was happy for him. I mean who am I to judge. PLUS since I will probably never have the opportunity to be in my own wedding (I was so stupid and eloped) I may get to be in the wedding if I play my cards right!!! I mean I would settle for ANY role that gave me a reason to wear a beautiful dress and lose ten pounds. Those hopes collapsed when he announced that I can’t go because he doesn’t want her to meet me.  WHAT? Poof….just like that a friendship bites the dust. For a little while we shared all of our dark secrets and the pain/guilt/anger that comes from losing loved ones. I think to this day he is the only person that understood.  Sucks…and it’s ironic. I just never saw that one coming…and now I’m waiting for another close friend to get married. All I wanna do is be in a wedding AND on a float during ANY kind of parade. Is that too much to ask????  Geesh….

The moral is: Don’t play people, stop cheating on people, don’t diss a friend that really cares about you, and let me be on a float please. I feel good about this post. I think I might help people with this. Like Dr. Phil or something….heehee

Until next time…Ciao!

June 22, 2013 Posted by | Just for Fun, Personal Growth | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Letter to Their Father

Dear XXX,

It’s been a year that you have been gone and I still have a hard time believing it. You had such an intense spirit-a HUGE spirit-and the world seems less interesting without you. You were charismatic and the weight of your presence always caused other men to take notice of you. You had this ability to influence people and motivate them to follow you. You were a natural leader. I miss you. In your absence I have tried very hard to hold everything together. You see, you left me with a huge mess.

You left me with two sons who miss their father so much. I can’t fill the void. I will never be able to fill the void. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is to be a parent who is powerless to fix her babies problems. You left me with your mother who I love but I can’t help either. I can only be there for her. I can only try; and GOD knows I am trying. You left me all alone to handle these issues and I am horribly inadequate. I spoke to my grief counselor this week. She suggested I write you this letter so I am trying. I really am trying to be the best person I can be.

I loved you. You were my first love, and my first everything. When I was 16, you were like my hero. You helped me escape a horrible situation and you made me feel safe. In my eyes there was nothing you couldn’t do. You stood up to my mother and taught me how to stand up for myself. You used to make life seem so easy; and after my childhood I never thought life could be safe or easy. You pasted me back together and took care of me. You begged me to marry you as soon as I turned 18. I never wanted to be married but you always got your way. So married we were.

I hated being married to you. The second we married you changed. You started staying out late and drinking more. You stopped being so nice to me. The drinking escalated and the affairs began. You broke my heart worse than anyone. You struck me more than once out of anger. You scared me. You knew what type of childhood I had and you still bullied me. You hovered over me screaming with your hands raised and you laughed at me when I flinched. You laughed at me when I cried. You yelled at me when I cried. So one day I stopped crying. Then you ridiculed me over not having any feelings. You called me the ice queen. You accused me of changing. I informed you that you were the one who changed me. I didn’t learn to cry again until you died. The tears flow freely again. Its like I never changed at all. I know you were sick sweetie. I just could no longer sit around and be sick with you. I never stopped caring about you, I only pretended so you could move on. Our time had passed and I cared enough to want you to find happiness again. I’m so sorry you never got to and I’m so sorry I never told you how much I really cared.

When you were sober, you were one of my best friends. I miss your advice. You were the most logical thinker I have ever met. You could look at a problem and analyze it in such a logical yet creative way. I was always the feeler. I was always the one who tried to teach you compassion but you were definitely the problem solver. My passion and tendency to be so blunt always got in the way. You pushed me to be a better person. It’s funny because you used to tell me the same thing. However, when I think about the first person who really believed that I was more than some stupid hoodrat from the east side, that person was you. You didn’t always push me nicely. Sometimes you made me cry; but you always challenged my thinking. I’m sorry that I stopped acting like I valued your opinion. The truth is, I just got so disgusted by your alcoholism that I couldn’t take you seriously anymore. You were the only person in my life that really had my back. I don’t know how else to explain it. One of the hardest things to adjust to besides the obvious is the fact I feel so alone. No one looked out for me the way you did. Even after the divorce, you helped me fix things and you listened to me. You talked to me and you let me know when I was being a spaz. No one ever understood me like you. I remember about 6 months before you died you told me that you were sorry for the damage you caused. You told me that I was the best woman you had ever known. You also told me that when I wasn’t pretending to be such a hard ass, I was the most tender and loving woman you knew. I used to tell you that you had no idea who I was but I was lying to you. You’ve always seen through my wall.

I tried so hard to not lean on you after the divorce because I didn’t want to mislead you. I pushed you away out of love and I hope you know that now that you’re in heaven. In the beginning of our separation you scared the life out of me but the last year you were alive was so peaceful.  I am so happy you found GOD and I am sorry you could not find peace on earth. I thought if I quit being such a co-dependent, you would finally stand on your own. I had no idea you would just fall apart. I thought you would get better as long as I no longer enabled you. I may not have been in love with you but I loved you and I wanted what was best for you. I was no longer best for you and you were no longer best for me. I could no longer let you hurt me even if it was because of your disease. I feel like the only selfish decision I ever made was the cause of your death. If I knew that you would be alive today, I would have chosen to die the slow death I was facing. I would have consigned myself to being unhappy if it ensured your life and my children’s happiness. My grief counselor told me that was ridiculous thinking. I get it-I really do-but sometimes I still feel guilt. However, I am not the reason you are gone. You are the reason you are gone.

I am still trying to forgive you. I pray to GOD often that he removes the anger from my heart. I don’t know why you did it. I can’t believe you would walk down that path again. Why couldn’t you stop being a bad boy? We were grown ups. Thug life days were supposed to be over. You were at bible study that night. Why? I can’t help but hate you a little bit every time I tell your youngest son that GOD can’t bring you back from heaven. He cries for you often. There is a father son picnic this weekend and he is so heartbroken because he has no one to go with. What am I to do? Your oldest son is a remarkable person. He tries so hard to be the man of the house. I am so proud of him. He has no one to talk to like he used to talk to you. Do you remember how he always told you guy stuff he wouldn’t tell me? Who can he talk to now? You let us all down. I am trying to forgive you. On the anniversary of your death, I will try a little harder.

Until we meet again,

Sara

June 15, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

What I Wish Men Knew..While In a Relationship

I give up. I can coach every friend I have on spotting a player and avoiding the game of dating. However, I am a complete failure at relationships. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s got to be me-right? Maybe I am just the type of woman men don’t really care about. I know that’s reverting back to my label and I know I’ve written about labels. I am just so effin tired of all of it. If I didn’t have kids, I would just leave this entire city and never look back. There has to be a better place somewhere. Uggh! Okay, in case my readers don’t know, I like to make lists. It helps me put things/problems/tasks into perspective. So I’ve written a list of what I wish men knew when we’re in a committed relationship. Who knows, maybe I will help someone else. (Just in case you are a new reader I am qualifying this list as my opinion only. I am a good girl with very simple dreams and desires. So I can’t speak for every woman or even the majority. Especially in this city.) Also, I am referring to a serious relationship-not dating.

  • I wish men understood that women are wired differently. You see, I understand that men need respect. I learned the lesson the hard way. However, I need to feel secure in love. I need to feel loved.
  • Why do men no longer take the lead? Do I really need to be the one to make all the first moves? If you want to see me, ask me-even better, tell me. I like a man who can take charge. If you never call me first or ask to see me first, I feel like you do not care. I get that we are in a different era but we can share. For realsies…You see, I’m the boss all day long and I come home and manage two headstrong boys all by myself while trying to be everything to everyone. I’m always on. Sometimes I need a man to take charge. I’m tired…
  • I wish men knew that all a really independent woman like me wants is to be able to lean on someone once in a while. I don’t need my bills paid or every second of your time. I do want you to care about my well-being. If I tell you I’ve had a hard day..ask me why. I am not compromising on this shiznit. I am worth this. I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I need someone I can lean on. It’s so very hard to do everything by myself. Women like me need a man who can appreciate that.
  • I wish men didn’t lump me in with other women. I DON’T PLAY GAMES. If I’m upset there is a reason. Hey I am human. I might be wrong in my reasoning. However, I am not playing or fishing for compliments. DON’T compare me to your damn ex. I am nothing like her. I am not like anyone you’ve ever met before. I am original.
  • Women have basic needs. 1. Emotional security 2. Physical Security 3. Financial Security. I am a balance of the three. However, I do not need your money. I would love a partnership some day where I didn’t have to carry all the burden but I don’t NEED it. (Plus who am I kidding? At the rate I’m going I really should become a nun. I can’t even get someone I love to care enough to inquire about my well-being. In fact the saddest thing of all is the biggest asshole jerk I loved was the only man who ever really had my back …and he’s dead. That’s just so wicked sick and pathetic. Plus, if I become a nun, my friends that call me Sister Sara can have a real laugh. It would suck to give up the gangster rap I love but it’s good to have a back-up plan.)  I do think I lean more towards the physical security but that’s because I am wired like an 18-year-old boy. Anyways, I just wish men realized how simple it is to keep a woman like me happy.
  • I wish men knew that I am not always strong. I won’t freak out and break on you but I am so much more than what the world sees. I do not need you to fix me. I just need you to be there to hug me and listen.

I feel better. I am finished crying. Sometimes I wish I could just stop caring and become like so many people in this city. I can’t help who I am. I was told today that I am very passionate about what I do and that I have a strong sense of conviction. It was during a reprimand but I grudgingly agree. I am passionate. I am passionate about life, my career, about people who matter to me.  I am loyal. I am real and I hate being alone all the time. I am tired of working things out by myself and that’s just the pathetic truth.  Don’t worry-I will continue. I am resilient.

I am not willing to compromise on what I need from someone in order to not be alone.  That path only leads to heartache.  If I had any wisdom to share with anyone in relation to this post it would be to hold strong to that.  Set your boundaries and stay strong. The tip is to not set unrealistic expectations. I am not looking for movie star looks or money. I just want someone who really cares. Unfortunately, I have no advice for that and I have no moral for today. I am still working on it. So far, I am a failure at relationships. Just an epic failure.  Kinda like this homeboy.

.epic failure

Don’t worry peeps. The good thing about having a disgustingly optimistic nature like mine is that I will snap out of this quickly.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

June 14, 2013 Posted by | Men Advice, Relationships | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Qualities of a Male Player: The 5 most common signs

Oh Mr. Player…I GOT YOUR NUMBER! In fact, I am confident that I can spot a player and be right almost every time. It’s all about patterns of behavior. He may be a dumb ass  guy or a smooth operator, but a male player will always demonstrate some common symptoms. It is amazing. I have compared the list below against several case studies (besides my own personal experiences in the past) and the results are consistent. Players really do have specific characteristics.

*****While players ALWAYS do what I am about to mention. that does not mean ONLY players do these things. I mean there are extenuating circumstances for everything. Don’t go breaking up with your boyfriend over one symptom (Keep calm and follow me all the way through this-will ya?)*****

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(Is that David Beckham? Yeah it is!)

PLAYERS WILL ALWAYS:

  1. Come up with grandiose lines like: “I didn’t know women like you existed.” Then he will disappear for a significant amount of time. (He’s baited you and now he’s giving you time to crave him. Eeeeew A-Hole)
  2. Repeatedly tell you how he is not about playing games. (A male player is always trying to “play” with your head. Look at his actions not his words. Is he really into you or are you just being spoon fed his BS like it was Hagen Daz?)
  3. Pursue you harder the more you resist. He will be patient and persistent if you push away. (A player loves a challenge. DO NOT think that just because he keeps trying that he cares. Why did you push him away? Be careful here-he may care or he may be playing. If this is the only sign I suggest you keep an open mind and observe. If he stops communicating or calling once he gets what he wants or once you start showing interest-RUN! Oh and quit pushing while you’re at it cuz it’s dumb..just sayin..)
  4. Make you feel very important while investing as little time as possible with you in order to get what they seek-money, sex, car rides-who knows? (Why? Because they don’t care honey…I’m sorry but it’s true. Think about the last man who loved you or that genuinely cared about you. Did that man always try to get time with you? Don’t you like to spend time with someone you are interested in? I am not saying ALL the time but when you are into someone, you make an effort. Every man who has really liked me has made me feel this way. If they do not, I follow my own advice and stop responding. They are either playing me or not that into me. So I move on sister. We are strong women and we don’t need that crap.)
  5. Come back! A player always comes back. It is freaking hilarious! (I have had 5 of them circle back in the last 3 months. When you blow off a player, they will contact you again. It highly amuses me. In fact,  my only really painful experience from a player was a guy I got very caught up in for about three months. Um I didn’t love him but I was really digging him. That fool played me so hard-core and then just blew me off. SO I flew off the handle at him. I mean I told him off hoodrat style. It was like he fed on this. He kept coming back. Then I blew him of for real. I stopped responding. Mr. Player moved on to his next victim. My girlfriend (who is a player herself..heehee) told me that he will be back. I argued that he would not be back. He contacted me last week. UN  FREAKING BELIEVABLE!!! In his case, he saw me out on a date and felt the need to contact me to see how I was. Yeah I am just fine dipstick..I didn’t even skip a beat in telling him how happy I was.  Double Triple Dog Eeeeewwww!) I challenge you on this one. How many players have circled back on you? Do you think they suddenly missed you. Uh no-they just got bored sweetie. Please trust me on this.

My advice?

LADIES: Please do not let one sign I listed make you freak out. Consider the actions of the man. I say it all the time. When a man wants you, he will make it known.

MEN: Look, I am not a male hater. In fact I am raising two men. However, I can’t count the times I have shed tears over a man misleading me. During the course of being single, I have been so upset, shocked and used by men that I have almost given up entirely.  If you are a player, I am not judging but please consider what you are doing. Women are strong. However, sometimes our strength lies in our gentle nature. Don’t hurt us. Would you want your daughter treated that way? Besides, if you ever want a meaningful relationship you are gonna need to knock it off yo. There is nothing more pathetic than a washed up player. 

Until next time…Ciao!

June 13, 2013 Posted by | Players, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fear of Love

Sometimes, I write only for people. Sometimes, I write just to vent. Sometimes, like today I write for myself and with the hopes of helping others too. What is love anyways? That’s the million dollar question right.  I have tried to define it before with friends with little success. I can’t tell you what it is because it’s too infinite. I can tell you what it is not.

  • Love is not shallow. (It is not based on what someone’s net worth is or how well endowed someone is.)
  • Love is not conditional. (It is not about what someone does or doesn’t do. This one scares me the most. I no longer want to be a door mat.)
  • Love is not always the same. ( I love my children in individual and unique ways. I have never loved a man the same way. Yeah I haven’t actually loved a lot of men but I promise they’ve always been in unique ways and for  different reasons.)

broken_heart

So what right? I know..I agree.. but indulge me for a minute. I am scared of loving someone..actually I am scared of letting someone know how much they mean to me. I fear that. I feel it but I fear it. I am usually so blunt but I can’t seem to express myself. The last time I used the words “I love you” for the first time, it took me at least two weeks to build up to it and about 6 solid attempts. (Yeah I know…what a punk!) I mean I literally chickened out several times on several occasions. I took a deep breathe leaned over and just…stopped. Why? I’ve been outspoken since I was three. Why did I stop?

It’s because I am scared of someone changing (for the worse) once they realize I love them. Kinda like: (Now that I have her, I am going to mistreat her.) It’s all I’ve experienced before. It’s kinda sad and very very pathetic. I can at least say the men regretted it after the fact. BUT…what good does that do me?  So I am scared of letting a man know I love them more than absolutely anything. However, I did it! I did it because life is short. I did it because I have had a couple of people I care deeply for die and I should have said things I didn’t. I did it because it was like this enormous weight bearing down on me and I was about to explode if I didn’t let him know how I felt. I have discovered that I am no good at deception in any form. I really need to have everything out in the open in order to be myself.  I felt 1000% times better once I said it.

So what’s my moral??? I guess the idea is to leave you with some food for thought. I believe most of us are looking for love. However, in order to really find that we need to let go of fear and show vulnerability. I almost gagged writing the word “vulnerability” but it’s solid advice. Letting fear control us will hold us back from anything worth having. Relationships really are about risk. Risk of failure, risk of rejection, and most definitely risk of heart ache. Let go!

****DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion. I do not presume to know your situation or every situation. I discovered a long time ago that I am not like the majority of women I know. Take it for what it’s worth yo!****

Until Next Time…Ciao

June 11, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments