Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Get Lost: Tips and Statistics For Victims of Stalkers

Dating is hard…derr right? Just when I think I have some stuff under control, I now know a guy who…….is kinda stalking me. Why do you ask? Well..he has called me from anonymous numbers and stating things like he just saw me at the store, am I going to Taekwondo, mentioning what street I live on (when he never went to my house or received my address from me), and making mention of things he saw on my Facebook page. The final straw occurred when he called my work. This is not my first time being a victim of this type of crime.

The first happened when I was a teenager and it was infinitely more intense (and physically painful) than this recent experience. It occurred when an older man who was near my high school lied to me about his age to get me to talk to him. Long story short, once I figured out his real age I immediately stopped talking to him. He went ballistic. He actually physically attacked one of my dear friends and made several attempts to hurt me. I filed and received a restraining order. This did not prevent him from watching and tormenting me. He was finally stopped and charged with attacking a minor (yours truly) and this resulted in him backing off. There is more to both stories but that’s besides the point. My intentions are not to share all of that. The objective is to share what I discovered about stalking and to hopefully help someone who may face this issue.

Unfortunately, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, this is a very common crime. (Obviously..if it happened to me twice, I think that’s pretty obvious.) Below is a summary of the findings for 2012.

  • During a 12-month period an estimated 14 in every 1,000 persons age 18 or older were victims of stalking
  • About half (46%) of stalking victims experienced at least one unwanted contact per week, and 11% of victims said they had been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • The risk of stalking victimization was highest for individuals who were divorced or separated—34 per 1,000 individuals.
  • Women were at greater risk than men for stalking victimization; however, women and men were equally likely to experience harassment.
  • Male (37%) and female (41%) stalking victimizations were equally likely to be reported to the police.
  • Approximately 1 in 4 stalking victims reported some form of cyber stalking such as e-mail (83%) or instant messaging (35%).
  • 46% of stalking victims felt fear of not knowing what would happen next.
  • Nearly 3 in 4 stalking victims knew their offender in some capacity.
  • More than half of stalking victims lost 5 or more days from work.

So those are statistics and they’re kinda eye-opening. The real question is how to manage it or even prevent stalking. I am usually the most optimistic person I know but I have not been able to find a way to prevent this type of behavior. So I can’t advise on prevention. Also, until violence happens the police really do have their hands tied. I can try to offer some basic ideas towards punishing the stalker.

  • Be sure you know as much information as possible about the stalker. The police will need as many specific facts as possible.
  • If you are truly concerned, file a retraining order as soon as possible.
  • Always err on the side of caution when faced with this type of situation. Many victims become victims of escalated crime because they do not speak up soon enough.
  • Document every incident that happens (trust me that one is important.)

I will personally chalk this up to a close call. Seems like there have been a lot of them in my short dating career.  I am not complaining-it is better to learn a lesson through an “almost happened” than the hard way. I have received an earful of advice and criticism on dating. What can I do? I am not serial dating anymore (I get why that’s dangerous amongst other things-I really do.) However, if I never date anyone, how will I not be a crazy cat lady some day???  I don’t want to date..I kinda can’t stand it but there is absolutely no short cut to finding companionship.

What is my lesson? Ladies and Gentlemen: The dating world is more than a frustrating path of mind games. It is also dangerous. Be as safe as possible while choosing who to spend time with. 

Until next time…ciao!

Resources:

http://bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973

http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/stalking/arrests-prosecution.htm

http://crime.about.com/od/stalking/a/stalked_help.htm

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April 8, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Safety, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

No Means No!

So I went through something kind of traumatic last weekend.  (I need a break.) I just need to clear my head.  Tonight I feel mostly better.

I usually don’t post about my dating life in journal fashion. The purpose of my blog is to offer dating guidance and cover different struggles I encounter. There are a lot of great blogs out there that share specifics and I love to read them but it’s not my intention to share all of my dating life with you. My purpose is to share wisdom I’ve learned. However, I do share when I think it’s something of value. (My NYE was a good example.)

I met a man and went out on a few dates with him. He was very very nice. He called me all the time, and sent me wonderful text messages. It was actually very refreshing. I like it when a man shows me he is interested.  He made it a point to let me know several times how desirable and great I was. However, on the third date things changed. He was very pushy and aggressive and when I tried to slow him down (I mean I’ve only known this homeboy for two weeks) he became angry.

Once I got the situation calmed and was able to leave he sent me a text stating that the reason most men stop talking to me around the third date is because I don’t put out. NOW I’M UPSET! I mean What the What??? It was one thing to have to tell this creep to keep his filthy paws off my silky draws now he’s telling me why I’m doomed to be single. I couldn’t leave this alone….I asked, “Do you mean if a woman doesn’t put out on the third date. men think there is no future?” He said, “Yes, that is the way a man thinks.” I finally told him this conversation was depressing me and to have a good night. AND….

I cried. I cried hard (first I was actually scared for my physical safety and then I was told I’m a prude who’s doomed to be alone.) and then…Well…I called BullShit. Not so..I mean it can’t be the truth. Right?? How can I EVER move beyond a third date if that’s how it goes. TWO weeks??? That’s just not my style. I mean unless it was love at first sight or something. Then I calmed down..like the next day. Once that happened I realized how very STUPID that man was. Men looking for a relationship will take their time. (um no I’m not saying 1 year) but enough time for a quality woman to be comfortable. I then decided to let it go.

Then the next day this Mutha F%^&*() texts me, “Don’t be depressed, just realize that’s how a man thinks.” OH NO HE DIDN’T..THIS FOOL DON’T KNOW ME!!! My response was this, “I’m not depressed. I’ve decided that any guy that expects me to have sex with him on the third date after only two weeks is not the type of man I want. I’ve also spoken with other men that don’t agree with you. They don’t want to be with a woman who gives it away so easily. So I guess it depends on the guy. I’m looking for someone who actually cares about me first and there’s nothing wrong with that. I can tell you that I was expecting something different from you. If you only date women that put out in two weeks, it’s probably the reason why you are still single after three years. Most – not all- but most women who do that are not looking for a relationship. You have two daughters, would you want them with men that thought like that? It might be something you should think about.” BOOM!

Yet he texts me again! (Really???)  “Maybe but I didn’t think that you felt that spark for me and that’s okay. I wish you the best and good luck.” I say it again: Really??? I know I should have stopped but I couldn’t help myself. I replied, “Well I don’t anymore but I was interested. LOL Good Luck to you too.” Observations and a  Moral…Oh yeah I got several!

1. This man was ONLY nice to me for a specific reason-not cuz he liked me for me. Good one buddy.

2. There is NO time frame on sex. I don’t care what you say. It could be three dates it could be 20. It’s when it feels right. (oh and maybe once you take the time to even learn something about me) jerk.

3. Ladies..BE SAFE! I never saw this attitude coming and this might have had a very tragic ending. You don’t always know who you are dating.

IRONY: Oh yeah…This cat actually had a chance. I was attracted to him and it’s been so long since someone made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. Dumb Ass... Also, he was a Police Officer (No I am not worried. This guy did not give a fig about me and is definitely on to his next victim.) Finally, and before you jump to conclusions, I did NOT meet him online.

Wrapping up my little adventure…Please be safe in the dating world. Do not confuse attention with an interest in a relationship. The person might have selfish intentions. HOWEVER…don’t become so jaded you assume all attention is negative. (I need to remember that.) Also, do things according to your own timeline…never someone else’s.

Phew that was a close one! Until next time….Ciao!

March 17, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Mistakes, Safety, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Las Vegas Woman Sues Match.com

As a Las Vegas resident and native, this caught my eye. Mary Kay Beckman is suing Match.com for 10 million dollars after being attacked by a man that she dated for 8 days and then broke up with. The word attack doesn’t begin to describe the horror this woman went through.

WadeMitchellRidley  Wade Mitchell Ridley hid in her garage and viciously stabbed her over 10 times. When the knife broke he began to stomp on her head. It is a miracle she lived. In fact, Ridley thought he left her for dead. He was arrested not only for her attack but for killing his ex girlfriend in Phoenix in February of 2011. Ridley killed himself in prison last year. This is a tragic and devastating incident. It is a reminder of always being safe and a reminder that sometimes you never know a person. The lawsuit is for 10 million dollars and based on the fact that Match.com did not disclose the dangers of internet dating. So here’s my two cents…

How did he know where she lived? If they only knew each other for 8 days-how did he know? Perhaps he was a stalker. This guy had no criminal record, how is Match.com responsible? Isn’t it just as dangerous to meet some strange man at a bar? Where do we draw the line? Although I am tired of online dating, I do not feel anyone could have prevented this. I am so so so so sorry for what happened-but I do not think the lawsuit is justified.  I think the real moral here is…..to be as careful as possible while dating. The truth is…there is ALWAYS a danger. We do not know who we are letting into our lives…Once again I am sorry but if I had any advice for Las Vegas daters it would be to be careful and be prepared. Wonder what other’s thoughts are?

Until next time….Ciao

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57565665/las-vegas-woman-sues-match.com-after-scorned-date-tries-to-kill-her/

January 25, 2013 Posted by | Online Dating, Safety, Uncategorized | , , , , , | 9 Comments

Dating SAFETY!!! The Basics of Dating Safely

So we all know that it’s a jungle out there right? I mean, not only is the psychology of dating exhausting, but it can most certainly be physically dangerous. In an effort to educate, I have created a simple list of basics.

  • Do not have a first date take pick you up at your house. (This seems like a no-brainer but I gotta put it out there.)
  • Never drink too much on a date-until you really know and trust the person. (I did this once and luckily barely avoided what could have been a VERY dangerous situation)
  • Do not share more than the other person shares. (Hey if I can’t know where you live, you don’t need to know where I live-whatcha hiding?)
  • Do not leave your drink unattended at the bar. (I’m serious about this one-really really serious. I had a girlfriend that almost DIED because she did this..and guess what? The guy was a friend of a friend!)
  • Be aware of your surroundings. (Don’t let someone catch you leaving down a dark alley on the way to your car all alone at 12am at night.
  • Know the person’s full name before you date them. (If any man/woman has a problem with wanting to know who the heck you’re dating…well I have a problem with them.)
  • If you are unsure, run some internet searches. (Hey I know I mentioned cyber stalking and I am ONLY recommending this if you are unsure-and I mean really unsure. I know its uncool but the truth is, we wouldn’t have to be if the person was being forthright. You can never be too careful..go with your instinct. Also, it is remarkably easy to research someone. Be open about it-you’re invading privacy and that’s touchy- if asked and always be transparent with the other person. This means if they do the same to you it’s all good in the hood-right?That keeps it fair! I have found some people I date are like open books and others seem too secretive for my tastes. Relationships need trust and trust stems from honesty-just sayin)

I told you the list was simple. It really can be scary to date and especially in a city like Las Vegas. It just seems like people are rarely what they present themselves to be. However, don’t be jaded! I mean I’m here and so are you. This means there’s some pretty awesome people here too! Until next time…remember…..Image

Ciao!!!

December 16, 2012 Posted by | First Dates, Men Advice, Safety, Women Advice | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments