Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

FEAR

yoda fear

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

fear scripture

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March 31, 2014 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Needing Love

One of the sweetest women I have ever known in my entire life killed herself recently.  She was bubbly, friendly and no one saw it coming. What no one realized is how miserable she was. My dear friend always desperately wanted acceptance and the love of a man.  As a result, she didn’t always qualify the men or have great standards.  Men did not treat her the way she deserved. How anyone could not see the beauty that resided in her soul and cherish it is beyond me. That woman exhibited pure joy since she was 9.  She left behind four children.

This inspired me to contemplate what it means to need love. Actually, to need love so badly that you would die over it. (yeah..I’m going all deep tonight but it’s my blog yo.) As a little girl, I dreamed of a husband and lots of kids and growing old with someone.  Truth be told, I jumped right at it by marrying my high school sweetheart. Somewhere into the third year of my 13 year marriage, I realized that the idea of that is silly. Marriage is compromise. Marriage is hard work. Sometimes, that love is not reciprocated. I actually resigned myself into pretending and while I loved that man until the day he died, I was not in love with him for a good ten years of my marriage. I still had a family unit and if I worked hard enough, was responsible enough and strong enough…it would all work out. Okay…epic fail there. I blew that one big time. Why do I even bring it up?

I mention it because I didn’t get my dream either. I refuse to dwell on its absence. I really really wanted that damn simple dream of a family that I had as a little girl it but heck..I can’t change that. I will not spend my life upset over it when I have so much to be grateful for. All my friend wanted was a level of commitment and love and she just went miserable when she couldn’t find it. The absence of that was a constant pressure in her life.  You must accept who and where you are in life regardless of where you wish you were. That’s hard advice to follow…but I try.

Moral: I have several tonight.

1. I think the key is choosing to be happy with what you have. Not yearning for what you don’t have. I think dwelling on the absence of love/money/marriage/whatever in your life leads to bitterness.

2. Love can’t fix you. The void has to be filled before anything healthy can enter your life. I can’t stress that enough. Work on being the best you possible and then love will come.

3. Please do not seek a permanent solution to a temporary situation. There is nothing in life that is so horribly permanent that you should choose death. EVERYTHING is temporary. When I look back at every dark spot in my life, it has always passed. Life is beautiful and tragic at the same time with points of brilliant light and bleak darkness intertwined throughout. Some days just focus on breathing and other days we will remember why life is such a precious gift. The clock is still running. Stay in the game…please.

RIP my sweet childhood friend.

Until Next Time…Ciao

February 25, 2014 Posted by | grief, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Loss and Grief

June 15, 2012 changed my life. That was the day I had to look my children in the eyes and tell them they will never see their father again. That was the day I began to carry a burden that almost crushed me. That was the day I realized-I mean really realized-that life was terribly short. One moment in time can change your whole life. I can’t explain how that feels. I can’t explain how it feels to break your own children’s hearts. I can’t explain what it’s like to be left holding everyone together and to not have one moment to breakdown yourself or anyone to listen…to have to be strong and to be helpless at the same time. I hope you never know.

A dear friend told me today that she doesn’t understand how I managed it. She proceeded to say she doesn’t know how I still handle it. I let her know I sometimes still get shocked by it but that I do not dwell on it. In fact, every day gets a little easier and acceptance continues to sink in.  Ironically, the SAME day the women in my office were talking about a father/son event. One of my employees innocently said, “I don’t know how you handle it. Fathers are so important to sons. They must miss him a lot.” I think it’s funny how something said with such innocence can bring back all the panic that helplessness always manages to bring out in me. I kinda shrugged it off and went to the bathroom where I cried a little. (This is a good girls guide so I have to be honest.) However, I can’t stand it when women turn on the waterworks all the time. I try soooo hard to not cry. It seems like the tears fall so easily over the last couple of years.  I try to do it in private.

However, each day really is better. Each moment is just a little bit easier. I have begun to enjoy the small things again and to look forward to a bright future. I have found a vulnerability in myself that enables me to love life and people in such a different way than before he died. I am stronger. Loss and grief are bad….but they are not the end of the world.  My children will heal. I am breathing again. I am happy again.

Moral???? The moral isn’t poor me or poor you or even my poor kids. The moral is that grief is a process. I realized today that it’s the journey that matters. My sons are good. They are strong. They still laugh. My mother in law is surviving and trying to heal. Most of us in this world are just trying to make our way through it. When life seems to be at its darkest, I encourage you to remember the clock is still ticking. Life doesn’t stop. You can stumble and you can cry but we all need to move on. You can heal and thrive or you can wallow in the loss. The choice is up to you. Please try to make it a good choice.

Until Next Time here’s a song I can relate to…Ciao!

 

January 14, 2014 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Someone slap me! Okay not so hard! (It was a figure of speech..geesh) Seriously, I have major issues. I am at the point in my relationship where I am scared to death. I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I am waiting for him to let me down and majorly disappoint me.I am deeply in love, vulnerable, happy and I am waiting for the hurt. What in the world happened to me?

I used to be so fearless. I used to be so confident. I never thought about the rejection. I never thought about the let down. I am seriously scared. I can’t even begin to work through it. If someone wrote this as a question to me, my advice would be so easy. I would advise the person to be honest about his/her feelings. The problem is that the person I am in love with sucks at communicating. I find it very ironic that I FINALLY understand myself well enough to communicate my feelings and I am with someone who can’t. Well…I am with someone who can’t communicate them well. In an effort to be fair, he probably isn’t scared though…I am. He isn’t the one with all the insecurity. I am not insecure as a woman. I am insecure about anyone really loving me enough to make me a lifelong priority. A real commitment. The real deal…ya know? Damn, I am such a loser. What happened?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. To be honest, if I had realized the emotional shape I was in, I would have never fallen in love again. I don’t think I can take another major loss in my life. Ummm…I don’t think I can take it well. I am a freaking punk! However, it’s too late. The little girl who still believes in happy endings just CAN’T run away from someone she loves. I have never been able to. It always takes a near destruction to get me to turn away from someone I am in love with. Although I am scared, there is still a part of me that wants that happy ending. A normal, simple life of partnership with someone I totally trust. (When I say trust, I am not referring to something as obvious as cheating…I mean a deeper trust of unconditional love.) So I’ve been feeling silly. I’ve been looking for any sign that it’s not going to work out. I’ve been searching for a reason that tells me it’s time to walk away before I am rejected.  About a week ago something just snapped in me. I decided am tired of worrying about it. I am tired of worrying if someone is going to end up not being who I thought they were. I felt much better once I made that decision. Then I spent all this quality time this week with him..much more than normal and I started being scared again. I don’t want to need anyone or to get used to someone being around…that might hurt me again.  Geez Louise..I’m a nut. I’m a nut with issues who’s also a punk. Yeah…that sums it up. I wish I could talk to him about it. Boy howdy, I swear if I realized my issues before falling in love, I would not have subjected anyone else to them. Especially someone as special as the man I am seeing.

Moral: I just really had to get this out. I discover many things by answering the emails that come to me looking for advice such as:

1. It’s easier to give advice than follow it

2. We all have the same basic needs and desires.

3. Most people want to be loved and to be happy.

If I help someone by sharing…rock on! I know it helps me to confess my stupidity. At the minimum its therapeutic. I am going to have to defer to GOD on this one. I am placing my trust in him. He knows what I need. Change is a very slow process my friends. Do not expect to fix all of your issues overnight. It is slow and it is painful. Real change occurs by stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing forward. Real change is created by doing different things than you normally would. Change be hard yo…

Until Next Time…Ciao!

December 24, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Unintentional Player

Don’t hate the player, hate the game! No really, blame the player. However, sometimes a player doesn’t know they are playing. Just for fun, I googled “definition of a player.” Here is one of my favorite ones.

player
a guy who: 
(1) doesn’t understand the meaning of relationship 
(2) is in full reproductive mode 
(3) is very good at making girls think he is into them (also very proficient at breaking said girls hearts) 
(4) often “dates” several girls  (girls are often unaware of each other) 
(5) is an asshole!
don’t hate the player, hate the game? yeah right!
Here was another one. (I had to correct the grammar on these..just as a fyi)
player
A man or woman who hooks up with many different persons but commits to none and in that process ends up hurting some of those involved but there is a difference between player and asshole listed below as 1 and 2 and players generally being happy people until they are caught are opposites of the player hater who only hates because he can’t play or lost or has a girl who got her heart broke by one and is insecure
1 Male or female that has a lot of one night stands or short relationships with many people at once 2 Female or male who has several long-term aka ” i love you” relationships and tricks each into thinking she’s/he’s the one
I’m kinda shocked that 99% of the definitions refer to them as male. I have known some pretty crafty female players.  I have decided that I am going to create my own definition. Why not? It’s my blog yo!
Player
A man or woman who intentionally or unintentionally “plays” or misleads someone during the course of a relationship.
1. The male/female may know they are not looking for the same things but proceed to manipulate the other party for personal gain such as a. money b. sex c. convenience
2. The male/female may not realize they are not ready for a monogamous relationship yet attempt to develop one only to end up hurting the other party involved. This may be due to a. maturity level b. ignorance c. past baggage or emotional damage d. mental issues
Boom! I just wrote my own definition! Whose house???? Sara’s house!
Now that I am done tooting my own horn, I would like to quickly discuss unintentional players. The UP are possibly the most dangerous of all players. (yeah I am gonna use the acronym UP and for my slow friends…such as myself…this stands for Unintentional Player.) UP’s are dangerous because they are harder to spot. Why? UP’s are difficult to identify because they do not KNOW they are a player.  They have not reached a level of awareness in what they want. It’s one thing for someone to KNOW they are a player but to not know it is an entirely different issue. Before you even think of arguing, I challenge you to think of all the dumb people you know. Most of them do not realize it. ( At least I KNOW I’m stupid!) I wanted to write a list of things a UP does but I stopped. I stopped because the list looks the exact same way as what I’ve written about players. So here’s my advice.
Moral: Whether the person REALIZES they are playing with your feelings or not doesn’t matter. The point is that they are. I sympathize with UP’s because they have no level of self-awareness at all. They often flounder in relationships and do not even realize that the real problem is themselves. However, if a player wants to be a player…play on. Just don’t play with me! Ha!  I am not judging a player. However, my post and really my entire blog is to help people who want something real. I just caution everyone not to justify the actions of someone based on the fact that they don’t MEAN to.  Players don’t always know it. I guess that’s all I really have to say about that peeps.
Until next time….here’s a song…ciao!

November 23, 2013 Posted by | Players, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I am NOT Afraid!

I was talking with a good friend last week and he told me I was afraid of commitment. That just struck me as hilarious. I pointed out that I have ALWAYS stated that I wanted to be married someday. In fact, he was the one that always said he NEVER wanted to be married and then he proposed to his girlfriend after three months. He replied with, “Yeah but you had a chance to settle down and did not.” I responded quickly with, “That’s because I knew he wanted to do it out of obligation. He never really wanted that type of life with me.” He told me, “See I told you you’re afraid. That’s why you burned through all those guys you were dating.”  FIRST OF ALL: I did not burn through ALL of them. Some of them were real creepos. Some of them bored the HELL outta me. Some of them wanted me to put out on the third date. Some of them just didn’t feel right. Some of them weren’t interested in me. I am not like him. I didn’t latch on to the first normal person I dated because so many people are freaking weird in this city. I may hate living alone but not enough to settle. Not when I feel like I have so much to offer. (Yeah I said it. I DO bring some cool things to the table.) Of all of my friends, he should understand what it’s like being stuck in a horrible marriage. It.Sucks. I don’t expect perfection but I am not settling. My friend laughed at me. He asked me, “Do you think this guy is the one?” I responded quickly with my answer. He laughed again and said but you’re still scared.  This got me thinking.

My friends perception of me isn’t as crazy as I thought. (I feel free to write about this because it’s the truth and no one I know really reads my blog. Although I have offered for them to.) I have thought of running a MILLION times in this relationship. I love him. He is really good for me. He is the most rational relationship I have ever been in and I want him. I am not used to it. I am used to intense craziness. I am used to men filling my head with beautiful things only to never be there when I need them. I am used to..well…dysfunctional men.  For some reason the fact that it is healthy and still makes me happy scares the hell out of me. It makes it more real to me. While I should be elated (and I am) I can’t help but feel scared. What if I fail? What if the kids get attached and I make a huge mistake? How can I set everyone up for that again? What am I doing? You see dear readers, it is not just me on the line. What if he doesn’t like always being around my kids? (I can thank my ex for that.) I know they are great but geesh parenting is such a huge responsibility in my life. No one will ever be their father but someone coming into this household will have a much larger role in their life because their father is dead. I can’t change that. It’s the cards that were dealt to me.  Then I chastise myself for even thinking these thoughts. I am thinking them because every day I have is better with him in it. It is not always exciting. I do not always agree with him. It is not perfect. However, it just dawned on me that this is why it feels so real. I can’t deny that..at least not to myself. I can deny it to my friend…heehee. The thing with good friends though is they always call you out.

So he laughed his butt off at my expense while I explained I am not scared of commitment. He jokingly pointed out that I am totally sure of the guy but start stuttering when he asked me about long-term commitment with the guy. My epiphany is that I am absolutely terrified of it. I am also absolutely terrified of not having it. (Try to make sense of that shiznit, cuz I’m still trying to.) I am just terrified of letting everyone I love down and failing again. I used to think I was a good wife. However, the more time that passes I wonder if that was the case. Someone told me recently that people are the most honest when they are drunk. The man I married was always drunk. He said some of the most vicious and mean things to me when he was drinking. If there is any truth to that, he really hated me.  I can’t digest that and I can’t ask him about it because he’s gone. I confess that towards the end of our marriage I strongly suspected he couldn’t stand me anymore than I could stand him. I can’t understand why he wanted me back so bad (I mean he NEVER gave up) if he really felt that way about me. It’s starting to mess with my head.

However,  the last three years my life has been a series of incredibly unfamiliar experiences. I don’t like it but I know it is why I have grown so much in such a short period of time.  I know if I had met him at a different time, I would have run away months ago. It is just more real than anything I have experienced. (Real means..it is perfect in its normal imperfections.) He is not perfect but I believe he is who he says he is. I believe in him. I do not know if I believe in myself yet. I believe in myself in many ways. I believe I am capable and strong and at the core a good person. I just don’t know if I am worthy of anything real like him. I want him. I answered my friend without a second of hesitation. Although, a wonderfully simple day like today made me realize how terribly vulnerable I still feel. I know that sounds stupid as hell but hey..It’s my blog yo.

So what’s my moral: My moral is that I don’t need to find the answer today. I do not need to worry about commitment or lack of commitment or anyone else’s opinion. I do not need to run from something that I cherish. (that’s just plain old stupid anyways) What I know I need to work on (and if you can relate, I want you to try to work on it as well) is the fact that I deserve to be happy. I do not know how to reach that point but I recognize it in myself. I am a woman of faith. I am turning this over to GOD because he definitely has a better handle on stuff like this than I could ever have.  In the meantime, I will pray and strive to be the best person I can be, and….um try to not be quite as stupid as I used to be. If you are reading this and can relate, do not let fear dictate your actions. Operating in Fear = failure. 

Until next time… Ciao!

September 24, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trying Too Hard?

Someone today accused me of trying too hard. Well that’s just effin hilarious considering the fact I have always been told I do not try hard enough. As soon as he said it, I felt my walls crash down around me like the jaws of a bear trap being shut. I responded quickly and grabbed a book. I successfully slid it under the wall before they slammed down all the way.  During this experience, there were three immediate impulses that crossed my mind.

1. I will back off and perhaps start talking to some of the men that seem to be so persistent. If he wants me he can come get me. (Can you say stupid? You don’t need to. I already know its stupid..derr)

2. I took it personal..like real personal. It made me feel like some sad and pathetic creature that is perhaps giving more than she is getting.

3. Maybe I should stop giving so much. I am a giver by nature. The only time I stop pouring affection on the people I love is when I am hurt. If I am content, I naturally want to give. Perhaps he doesn’t like that? If that is the case, perhaps he is not right for me? Wait a minute..who the heck doesn’t like that?

I squashed my feelings down and simply replied with,”I’m not trying too hard.” Now that’s progress! I didn’t act on impulse. Within 30 minutes I was no longer offended. I must admit it did mildly bother me even afterward. Although the more time that passes the sillier I feel my reaction was. Besides, I can’t do number one because I would never ever intentionally hurt him. I couldn’t do it. He is special to me and I would never want to lose his trust. I know I am not number 2 so I let it go. He is totally lucky to have me. (Better recognize homey..heehee) I will also never be able to stop doing number 3. Heck its one of my better qualities. I need all the good ones I have in order to outweigh the bad ones. HA! No seriously I do need ALL my good qualities dude.

Moral: Progress is measured in baby steps. Boy did I have to literally hold one hand down from the other in order to prevent myself from shooting off an eff you text or even worse a get lost text. I don’t want him to get lost. I mean that could be dangerous. We live in the desert. What if he ran out of water? (yeah I dunno where I am going with that..I will stop now.) Also, I did not let my walls slam down. I threw a book in at the last-minute because I figured using my foot would hurt. I also used my Statistics book from college and I am pretty sure that piece of junk deserved it! However, I didn’t go into ice queen mode. If he thinks I’m trying hard he’s right, but I am not trying just for him. I’m trying to be a better person. I am trying to have better relationships on all levels.  I figure if you want different results you need to do different things. Period.

madness

If you can relate..try it! It’s kinda awesome!

Until Next Time…Ciao!

September 9, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh Snap! Reality Check!

I’ve been working on this post for two weeks! I was going to leave it in drafts to be honest but a good friend said something so profound to me that it brought tears to my eyes. I mean it almost made me cry..at work! It was like my second bitch slap of the month-from two different friends!

I can present myself any way I want on here.  I can even pretend that I’ve overcome all my baggage. The truth is I am pretty honest by nature. I usually wear my emotions right on my face. It’s a strength AND a weakness. I suck at poker. I have to focus very hard at work and in business to “rein” it in. I don’t play games with people because I CAN’T. I would never be able to pretend ANY emotion. I also see myself as honest with myself. I know I am annoying. I am like a BIG BALL of pure energy most times. I go and go and go and go. That can be annoying to people. I’m sorry if it annoys you. I pride myself on being independent and confident. BUT…Have you ever caught yourself lying to yourself? I recently did.

I am in a fairly new relationship. We have passed the “let’s court each other” phase and I can see that our true faces are showing. This phase of a relationship is hard. The initial infatuation is fading and something more solid is developing. Couples start fighting in this phase. Communication becomes very important. We have had a couple of fights. I don’t mind confrontation. I am okay with expressing myself. However, over the last couple of months I have been feeling needy.

At first I dismissed it as not getting enough quality time. (There may be some validity in that.) However, I am not used to feeling needy. I am not used to needing reassurance. I have not EVER needed it before. I did not even realize that this is why I am getting upset over certain things…until two weeks ago when I started this post. I was seeking advice and got the best advice ever. One of my dearest friends told me, “Sara, I see your point but I also see the problem. I don’t ever see you as needy but I think that is happening here. You have had two really bad experiences and you are uncertain about yourself. This is why you are needing to be reassured so much. It’s like you need the validation of him caring. You felt abandoned and you aren’t secure with any mans intentions. I know you’re not normally like this-because I know you so well-but he doesn’t. You took some pretty devastating blows over the last three years and I can see the scars. You’re sensitive right now because you were hurt but you need to just relax.”   She said more but oh SNAP did she call my number. I just realized why I’m feeling needy.  I am not worried about who he’s talking to, etc. I am not worried if he’s interested in me. I am seeking validation and I didn’t even realize it. WOW! I always thought I was my own form of validation. I have been lying to myself.  I am so happy to admit it.

Why am I happy to discover I am being needy? I am happy because I know the reason. Feeling an emotion and identifying its cause are two different things. If I’m going to make mistakes, I at least want to know what they are.  As I said earlier, I wasn’t going to finish this. I don’t want to come across as a Debbie Downer and I hope I’m not. I’M LEARNING! I’M GROWING! I’M STUPID..oops! heehee. I decided to write about it because that feeling is creeping up on me again. I don’t want to feel needy. I freaking can’t stand the feeling!  I decided to reach out to a friend that can relate to being alone and not liking it. He told me, “You loved someone for more than half of your life and he died. You loved one other person that you couldn’t count on. You are scared of getting too attached because you are scared of abandonment. Now some new man says he loves you. You’re worried he might abandon you too. This is why you suddenly need more security.” DANG DOG! As I said earlier, it brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to argue but I couldn’t. He spoke the truth. I think I can share a lesson with you.

What’s my moral? Do not lie to yourself. You are the first person you need to be honest to.  Personal growth doesn’t just come from reading books (although that certainly helps.) It comes from really looking at yourself and admitting what you see. Sometimes it takes facing it to learn to let go. I don’t know if I can let that fear go right now…but I’m trying and I’m praying. In the meantime, I can at least learn to hide it better.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

August 28, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments