Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

FEAR

yoda fear

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

fear scripture

March 31, 2014 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Someone slap me! Okay not so hard! (It was a figure of speech..geesh) Seriously, I have major issues. I am at the point in my relationship where I am scared to death. I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I am waiting for him to let me down and majorly disappoint me.I am deeply in love, vulnerable, happy and I am waiting for the hurt. What in the world happened to me?

I used to be so fearless. I used to be so confident. I never thought about the rejection. I never thought about the let down. I am seriously scared. I can’t even begin to work through it. If someone wrote this as a question to me, my advice would be so easy. I would advise the person to be honest about his/her feelings. The problem is that the person I am in love with sucks at communicating. I find it very ironic that I FINALLY understand myself well enough to communicate my feelings and I am with someone who can’t. Well…I am with someone who can’t communicate them well. In an effort to be fair, he probably isn’t scared though…I am. He isn’t the one with all the insecurity. I am not insecure as a woman. I am insecure about anyone really loving me enough to make me a lifelong priority. A real commitment. The real deal…ya know? Damn, I am such a loser. What happened?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. To be honest, if I had realized the emotional shape I was in, I would have never fallen in love again. I don’t think I can take another major loss in my life. Ummm…I don’t think I can take it well. I am a freaking punk! However, it’s too late. The little girl who still believes in happy endings just CAN’T run away from someone she loves. I have never been able to. It always takes a near destruction to get me to turn away from someone I am in love with. Although I am scared, there is still a part of me that wants that happy ending. A normal, simple life of partnership with someone I totally trust. (When I say trust, I am not referring to something as obvious as cheating…I mean a deeper trust of unconditional love.) So I’ve been feeling silly. I’ve been looking for any sign that it’s not going to work out. I’ve been searching for a reason that tells me it’s time to walk away before I am rejected.  About a week ago something just snapped in me. I decided am tired of worrying about it. I am tired of worrying if someone is going to end up not being who I thought they were. I felt much better once I made that decision. Then I spent all this quality time this week with him..much more than normal and I started being scared again. I don’t want to need anyone or to get used to someone being around…that might hurt me again.  Geez Louise..I’m a nut. I’m a nut with issues who’s also a punk. Yeah…that sums it up. I wish I could talk to him about it. Boy howdy, I swear if I realized my issues before falling in love, I would not have subjected anyone else to them. Especially someone as special as the man I am seeing.

Moral: I just really had to get this out. I discover many things by answering the emails that come to me looking for advice such as:

1. It’s easier to give advice than follow it

2. We all have the same basic needs and desires.

3. Most people want to be loved and to be happy.

If I help someone by sharing…rock on! I know it helps me to confess my stupidity. At the minimum its therapeutic. I am going to have to defer to GOD on this one. I am placing my trust in him. He knows what I need. Change is a very slow process my friends. Do not expect to fix all of your issues overnight. It is slow and it is painful. Real change occurs by stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing forward. Real change is created by doing different things than you normally would. Change be hard yo…

Until Next Time…Ciao!

December 24, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What’s Your Love Language?

5 love languages

We all interpret love through different ways. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a must read if you are looking to expand that type of  knowledge.  For example, you could be with someone who needs words of affirmation and your normal method of expressing love is through gift giving.  This could lead to a hot mess if you’re not careful. Learning about the five love languages is an excellent way to discover how your significant other feels love and possibly improve your relationship through understanding. Below are the five languages the author refers to.

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

I took the test and was not surprised by my primary love language (Acts of Service.) This means I feel most loved when people are helping me. This did not shock me. I feel loved when my significant other demonstrates acts of service. (Ironic that it has always been so hard for me to ASK for help..but that’s another story.)This could mean with a project, fixing a chair or helping me with errands. However, it doesn’t have to be a household repair. It can even be as simple as someone thinking of me first and remembering to include me. The key to making me feel loved (yes I am using me as an example in order to illustrate) is simple. However, if someone breaks a promise or doesn’t help or helps others but never me-I take it twice as hard as most people because it is my primary love language. If I need acts of service to feel loved and the reverse is given….I feel…drum roll please…..unloved. No amount of “I love you’s” will change that. I am enlightened enough to already know this about myself. Too many people can say they love you. I’m on the lookout for the ones who show it when it counts most.  Although, I was surprised by my secondary love  language-Quality Time.

I was shocked because it kind of shatters the illusion of my oh so independent nature. I have several hobbies and I work full-time and I am raising two children. However, when I think about it, I do feel loved when someone wants to spend time with me. The key for me is not quantity per se.  The key is QUALITY. I need focused attention…err sometimes.  This means when I feel ignored, I feel unloved. This also means when someone genuinely shows interest in my day/experience/life on a consistent basis, I feel loved. People who need quality time aren’t always about having every free moment with someone. It’s about that person taking the time to inquire about that person..to listen and to offer support. I am always irritated by someone who never bothers to ask me anything. How can I share my life with someone if they never SHOW me they care enough to ask? I immediately interpret it as a lack of interest and feel…..drum roll……unloved.  I scored the lowest on Gift Receiving. I like gifts! However, I do not need them to feel loved. Although, this is not to dismiss other people’s need for a gift to feel loved. Perhaps this person does not need something as serious as a new car (not everyone in this category is a gold digger.) Maybe that person needs a small token of being thought of-flowers, romantic card, etc.  Now HERE’S the tricky part in a relationship.

Moral: A relationship isn’t just about YOU or ME. (I know, I know…crazy right???) A real relationship is about the other person too. If you are in a relationship, try to think about what the OTHER person needs in order to feel loved. Do you love her/him? If so..make an effort to figure it out. Communication is not just about complaining, it is about talking and learning and discovering. Ask questions and do not assume you have them figured out. I guarantee you…you aint that smart..none of us are. These are the hard tasks of a healthy relationship. If the communication is successful, it is well worth the investment. To not care about the other partners needs is to create resentment and the eventual demise of the relationship. Trust me..been there, done that. 

****DISCLAIMER: This is all my humble opinion. If you think this is all a load of poop..okay. That’s your right. If you are in love with someone and facing challenges, I think it might be worth exploring.  What can it hurt? I’m not saying it’s the gospel truth. I am suggesting that it is worth reading. Take it for what it’s worth yo****

Until Next Time…I left the link to the authors website below. Check it out…maybe?  CIAO!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

October 23, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What I Miss Most

So today was a tough day. My car broke today. I know that sounds shallow but it did kinda ruin my day. I still owe money on it, it’s the week before school starts (I planned on doing last-minute shopping tomorrow) and I am scheduled to travel for work on Friday. You see, I don’t know anything about cars. I am a complete girlie girl when it comes to fixing anything really. It sucks. I am smart. I always figured I could teach myself. However, I am just at a loss when it comes to this type of stuff.

Anyone who follows my blog knows my story. I was married my entire adult life. What does that mean? It means, I always spazzed out and panicked and my husband or even after the divorce…always fixed stuff. (yes he was terribly flawed and a mean drunk but he always stepped up when it came to calming me down and helping.) It means that when I panic now, I have no one to turn to. I am not alone. I have some pretty fantastic people in my life, but there is no one who is obligated to help me. Let me clarify, there is no one in my life I feel comfortable leaning on like that because there is no one in my life who would not be scared off by that type of obligation. This is not anyone’s fault it is just the truth. After sitting in my hot car and waiting on a ride to get coolant  that didn’t work,  and realizing I’m facing a bill I can’t afford, my youngest son asked me..again..if GOD could give his father a second chance and bring him back from heaven. I gently explained that I wish GOD could but it doesn’t work that way. This is when I decided to go sit on the pity pot.

Being married my entire life left me horribly handicapped and I HATE it. I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone and I hate feeling alone. I have at least 5 things in the house I need fixed, two sons that are missing their father terribly and a gosh darn headache from the weight of it all. I miss having someone that understands how I freak out and worry. If you haven’t always had someone in your life that was committed like that to you, this entire post is probably useless. My journey post divorce and death has been hard.

I am not husband hunting. If I was willing to marry for the sake of marrying, I would already be married. I have discovered so much about myself in the three years I’ve been single. I’ve been through the shock of solitude and then discovered the sheer joy of it only to realize I do not like it. I am not afraid to admit it anymore. (Of course you can’t exactly tell your awesome boyfriend that you prefer being married or that you miss it. Maybe I could, but I feel like the message would get lost in translation.  I am not sure I am articulate enough to ever communicate that without sounding like I’m pushing for marriage.) I have discovered that men can say they love you and not mean it. I have discovered that I can survive that because it doesn’t define me or prevent me from remaining genuine with my love. I have also discovered that I can love again and that it is a wonderfully new and unique type of love. I found an honesty and vulnerability within myself that is almost spiritual in nature.  I’ve never felt more raw or open with my feelings. The fact that I’m writing it here for anyone to read speaks volumes. I used to be so damn closed off. There is something to be said for being completely broken down and rebuilt. The outcome is the real me. A confused and scared me but the real me nonetheless.  For that I am grateful.

Why did I share? I shared because it felt good. Ha! Seriously it did, However, I think there is a moral in here somewhere. Moral: It is okay to be scared and it is okay to feel vulnerable. In fact, I venture to say the only way we really grow as people is to step out into the unknown. I did that…but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Guess what? That’s okay too. Like the motto of my church…it’s okay to not be okay.

If you can relate, hang in there peeps.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 21, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

What is Love?

I recently received this email. I decided to share because it hits close to home; and I think it may help others too. (To be honest I am behind in responses and I promise to catch up.) In my normal manner, I have removed names and I am cutting the email short. I don’t have room for all of it..so there.

Hi Sara,

I have never been lucky in love…..I am in a serious relationship currently and want to ask you what your thoughts are on being in love. How do you know?…… I am afraid I am moving too quick and do not want to be hurt……. Do you have any tips on telling if you are in love?

Anonymous

Yeah so I’ve already said that I am not qualified for this. I keep getting these types of questions. How do I know what love is? I don’t exactly have a success rate at being in love. However, I have been thinking about this question ever since I read it.  I think people have tried to define love for centuries. What is love? How do you know?

Love is when you realize you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. Love comes in many forms. Romantically speaking, love is not loving all the perfections of your partner. It is easy to love perfections. It’s about loving all the imperfections. I know I am in love when I realize I adore the way someone chews their food, or their poor driving or their incessant need to always be right. If I catch myself gazing at a man’s profile while he drives in admiration or watching the way his mouths form words…I know I am in love. I don’t notice those things when I am in lust. I just don’t. BIG signs for me are when his presence doesn’t crowd me. I have always been secretly crowded by love interests. Unfortunately to the point where I may care about someone but after say 24 hours around them, I am ready for a few days off. I know I have found someone special when I don’t need space.

So what’s my advice? I am always going to tell you to look at your actions as well as your partners. Is everything healthy? By this I mean are you hiding your relationship or are you taking natural, normal steps toward progress. Is he/she meeting your basic needs?  What does your gut tell you? Not your err..lust, but that inner voice that we should always listen to. That gut feeling has saved me many times and whenever I overlook it, it leads to heartache. There is no time frame on love. It.just.happens.  Do not run from love out of fear. I do not recommend making any decisions out of fear. Fear leads to loneliness and it leads to something worse than failure. It leads to no experiences at all. You will never have a chance to improve on past failures if you do not keep trying.  However, do take the time to really analyze your feelings and where they come from. I wish you the absolute best in this exciting relationship. May love and GOD be on your side.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 3, 2013 Posted by | Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sometimes…

Sometimes life hands you a beautiful surprise. Sometimes life kicks you in the head and you’re left stunned.  Sometimes a good plan falls apart. Sometimes promises are broken. Sometimes people die.  Sometimes people leave. Sometimes it’s a good thing. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes the tears, pain, betrayal, all lead to hidden blessings. Sometimes I receive a blessing I didn’t even think I deserved.   Sometimes you have to be completely broken down in order to be rebuilt and somewhere along the way…life hands you a beautiful surprise.

I don’t have a moral on dating tonight, but I think I have something more important. I’d really like to spread a message of hope tonight. Not of finding someone who loves you but of finding that love in yourself. Once you find the love in yourself, it will encourage others to see it. I found it by stopping and taking a moment to be thankful for everything I have. No matter what you do or do not have-you have more than you realize. Try to stop and send good thoughts to people you can’t stand. If you really mean it, the results are amazing. Let go of the anger and just be grateful. I know it sounds silly but it works! I get picked on a lot by my friends for having this attitude. Quite often they like to call me Pollyanna or they mistake it for naivety. Perhaps it is both. My birthday is coming and it always conjures bad childhood memories. This time of year I am always reminded that life can be horrifying and beautiful at the same time. Then I remember the day an 8-year-old girl made the decision to hope for a better life. She made the decision to smile. Sometimes, tragic things still happen but no one can take away my happiness but myself….Choose to be happy.

hope

Until Next Time..Ciao!

July 8, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Homeboys Got More Baggage Than the Airport

There once was a boy who thought he loved a girl whose eyes were blue. He had so much baggage he didn’t know what to do. He hurt her feelings and put her last over other things. So the girl finally hit him with a shoe.

Just kidding! I am no poet…or am I? The truth is I want to talk about a couple I knew that were just no gosh darn good for each other.

There was a couple that really had trouble from the start. They were both ending bad relationships and definitely not in any position to fall in love. Ironically, they did fall in love-well maybe-what do I know of that really? With nothing in common except the fact that they were both outrageously immature and proud of it, they sought comfort with each other. Any fool could see they were both broken from their failed marriages but no one could tell them this. The relationship actually lasted for about 1.5 years and might have made it all the way. However, over time the problems arose.

The problems were not the fact that the man was significantly older than the woman. The problems were not even their immaturity.(They both demonstrated that their child like ways transferred into poor communication and even poorer actions.) The problem was homeboy’s baggage and his incredibly selfish actions.  You see the combination of poor communication, immaturity and mistakes could have been worked out. What can never ever be fixed is someone projecting his past failures onto his new relationship. It.Just.Won’t.Work. In fact, once this man realized he really was a big coward and never intended to give the woman what she so desperately wanted from him (marriage-a normal happy marriage with someone she loved) he should have stopped seeing her.

He did not stop seeing her. He played with her and he used her and he made her feel like she was not worthy of commitment. He announced undying love while at the same time he acted like she was just another scheming woman. He told her he had never known a woman like her and then stated he was a failure at marriage and partnerships and could not do it again. He let her know he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and in the same breath told her he could never see himself living with her because of her children. He told her he changed his mind. Then he changed his mind again..then again.  This is what made him so selfish. This behavior is what made all of her friends and family hate him. What do you think the woman started doing?

The woman started crying more and feeling insecure. The woman guilted and then the woman walled off from him and became distant. She finally gave one hard push and away he went. She came back. She left. She came back again. He changed his mind. She came back. She left. On and on this went until both of them were behaving crazily. One day the woman realized she would never marry this man. Not because she didn’t love him but because she would never marry anyone that made her feel that unwanted. She dreamed of a man proposing out of love and desire not OBLIGATION. She left. She came back because…damn this woman was weak when it came to love. (I mean it was pathetic to watch towards the end.) The man changed his mind. He wanted to look at houses. He wanted them to move away together. She told him no. She left….and did not come back. She realized that her love did not matter. Nothing she did with him mattered. He needed to fix his fear of commitment or not. It was not her problem. Her problem was loving him. Loving him hurt.  So the woman decided to stop hurting herself. Life is hard enough.

The End….

What did I learn from this story???? Do NOT let your cowardice ruin a relationship.  If you can’t stop your baggage from hurting someone, let them go. Real love is about wanting the other person to be happy-even if it means you have to lose the person in order for that to happen. Also, do not let someone you love continue to hurt you. When it hurts more to be with someone than it does to be without them, it’s time to go. I have discovered that love is not enough. It takes two to make a relationship work.

PS: The woman is happy again. She has overcome so many things in the last year. Why would someone who once claimed to care want to take that happiness from her?

June 28, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Fear of Love

Sometimes, I write only for people. Sometimes, I write just to vent. Sometimes, like today I write for myself and with the hopes of helping others too. What is love anyways? That’s the million dollar question right.  I have tried to define it before with friends with little success. I can’t tell you what it is because it’s too infinite. I can tell you what it is not.

  • Love is not shallow. (It is not based on what someone’s net worth is or how well endowed someone is.)
  • Love is not conditional. (It is not about what someone does or doesn’t do. This one scares me the most. I no longer want to be a door mat.)
  • Love is not always the same. ( I love my children in individual and unique ways. I have never loved a man the same way. Yeah I haven’t actually loved a lot of men but I promise they’ve always been in unique ways and for  different reasons.)

broken_heart

So what right? I know..I agree.. but indulge me for a minute. I am scared of loving someone..actually I am scared of letting someone know how much they mean to me. I fear that. I feel it but I fear it. I am usually so blunt but I can’t seem to express myself. The last time I used the words “I love you” for the first time, it took me at least two weeks to build up to it and about 6 solid attempts. (Yeah I know…what a punk!) I mean I literally chickened out several times on several occasions. I took a deep breathe leaned over and just…stopped. Why? I’ve been outspoken since I was three. Why did I stop?

It’s because I am scared of someone changing (for the worse) once they realize I love them. Kinda like: (Now that I have her, I am going to mistreat her.) It’s all I’ve experienced before. It’s kinda sad and very very pathetic. I can at least say the men regretted it after the fact. BUT…what good does that do me?  So I am scared of letting a man know I love them more than absolutely anything. However, I did it! I did it because life is short. I did it because I have had a couple of people I care deeply for die and I should have said things I didn’t. I did it because it was like this enormous weight bearing down on me and I was about to explode if I didn’t let him know how I felt. I have discovered that I am no good at deception in any form. I really need to have everything out in the open in order to be myself.  I felt 1000% times better once I said it.

So what’s my moral??? I guess the idea is to leave you with some food for thought. I believe most of us are looking for love. However, in order to really find that we need to let go of fear and show vulnerability. I almost gagged writing the word “vulnerability” but it’s solid advice. Letting fear control us will hold us back from anything worth having. Relationships really are about risk. Risk of failure, risk of rejection, and most definitely risk of heart ache. Let go!

****DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion. I do not presume to know your situation or every situation. I discovered a long time ago that I am not like the majority of women I know. Take it for what it’s worth yo!****

Until Next Time…Ciao

June 11, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments