Love and Marriage

Recently, my seven-year old son asked the man I am dating if he could become a new family member. Bless this man’s heart, he responded with, “First you would have to allow me to marry your mother.” My son looked him in the eyes and said, “Okay, you can marry my mom.” Oh.My.Goodness! I almost fell over! SHHHHH child…really? LOTS of thoughts raced through my mind at once.

• Ummm did my son just offer me up?
• Could this moment get any more awkward?
• Am I a horrible mother for getting my son attached to this man?
• How do I prepare my son for the possibility that he may not stay in our lives?
• Should I just run and hide under my bed?

All I could do is change the subject. I apologized to my boyfriend and let him know that he’s 7 and has no filter. He just really likes him and wants him around. This morning, my 7-year-old asked where (insert name here) was and I told him he lived at his own house. My son said he wished he saw him more. Now I am feeling like DOG MEAT. My sons have been through so much. I may have made a huge mistake in my own selfish effort to not be alone.

A friend called me yesterday and I asked for his advice. I mistakenly asked for his advice. My friend lectured me on the fact that if the man I am seeing is not willing to commit than I am being used and dating someone afraid of commitment. WHAT THE WHAT? I was hoping for advice on my son and how to handle it. Instead my friend told me that after 6 months, this guy should know what he wants from me. Then he started grilling me. Have you had a talk about the future? (Um kinda..at least I’ve stated what I want in my future) Do you think it’s funny that he is almost 40 and never been married? (No not really) When are you going to tell him what you are looking for? (Who are you to tell me what I am looking for buddy?) Has he stated how he felt about you? (Yes..He loves me and with the way things are going now, he sees a future but it is too soon.) You do realize that he can’t enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment..don’t you? (WAIT a second. We are not shacking. We are just dating. Who said we were acting married? What are YOU smoking?)

This stemmed a long conversation about how you HAVE to know by now. I HAVE to know and he HAS to know. Otherwise, it is a game and I am being used. Well…it really hasn’t been THAT long..ya know…and REALLY this whole conversation started over my guilt about my youngest son. When my boyfriend tells me that as of “now” he sees a future, he is clearly not ready. I never even thought about it until this entire debate with my friend started. I am NEVER going to mention marriage EVER again to someone I date like I did with my ex. I had the “talk” with me ex. I explained how I didn’t  want the kids attached and that’s why I don’t let him over a lot. My exes response was hilarious (now it’s hilarious..it really pissed me off at the time.) My ex said, “Are you looking for me to take on you and the kids?” (Take on? Say what sucka? Like we need help financially..um cuz we don’t, we get along just fine financially all by ourselves.. or we are some type of heavy baggage..I was shocked.) I discovered that you just don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear an answer to. Ironically by the time he was ready to commit there had been so many insinuations that me and my children were a burden, I had already decided that I did not really want to marry someone what viewed my family that way. Ironic huh? 

I told my friend there is no way that will happen again. Hell, I want to marry someone who really wants me and that I don’t have to worry about how he feels. My kids freaking rock and that’s how I want the man I marry to feel.  I hate time stamping anything but I will not wait around for a man to be sure forever…BUT is 7.5 months really that long? My friends whole point is that my boyfriend should be sure now. Finally, I stopped the conversation. I told him I was sick of talking about my love life. Why don’t we talk about his? That shut him the hell up. heehee…I like it when I am savvy and mature.

MORAL??? Well I have asked a few people about this magical and mystical 6 month mark. Ironically…they agreed! The jury is still out for me on that one. I mean who can put a time frame on something? I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t wish there was a magical number…because I kinda do. Although, I believe with my entire heart that GOD knows best. It’s HIS plan, not mine. I will say that if it doesn’t work out, I am not bringing another man into their lives for a long long time.  I can’t be the kind of mom that keeps getting them attached to men. My little guy is just sooooo in love with my boyfriend and even my teenager really admires him. I have seen him put his guard down and trust my boyfriend and that is saying something after the tragedy. I can’t keep doing it to them. What can I say?? I just have a feeling about this one and have almost since I met him. That’s why I let him in so fast. If it doesn’t work, I clearly can’t trust my own judgement. I can’t break my kids heart over and over so I won’t be alone.  I know people come and go. I’m a big girl who has discovered people can leave.  It’s the kids I gotta think about.  If you are a single parent dating I caution you to be careful too. You deserve to find love but….just be aware.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

What’s Your Love Language?

We all interpret love through different ways. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a must read if you are looking to expand that type of  knowledge.  For example, you could be with someone who needs words of affirmation and your normal method of expressing love is through gift giving.  This could lead to a hot mess if you’re not careful. Learning about the five love languages is an excellent way to discover how your significant other feels love and possibly improve your relationship through understanding. Below are the five languages the author refers to.

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

I took the test and was not surprised by my primary love language (Acts of Service.) This means I feel most loved when people are helping me. This did not shock me. I feel loved when my significant other demonstrates acts of service. (Ironic that it has always been so hard for me to ASK for help..but that’s another story.)This could mean with a project, fixing a chair or helping me with errands. However, it doesn’t have to be a household repair. It can even be as simple as someone thinking of me first and remembering to include me. The key to making me feel loved (yes I am using me as an example in order to illustrate) is simple. However, if someone breaks a promise or doesn’t help or helps others but never me-I take it twice as hard as most people because it is my primary love language. If I need acts of service to feel loved and the reverse is given….I feel…drum roll please…..unloved. No amount of “I love you’s” will change that. I am enlightened enough to already know this about myself. Too many people can say they love you. I’m on the lookout for the ones who show it when it counts most.  Although, I was surprised by my secondary love  language-Quality Time.

I was shocked because it kind of shatters the illusion of my oh so independent nature. I have several hobbies and I work full-time and I am raising two children. However, when I think about it, I do feel loved when someone wants to spend time with me. The key for me is not quantity per se.  The key is QUALITY. I need focused attention…err sometimes.  This means when I feel ignored, I feel unloved. This also means when someone genuinely shows interest in my day/experience/life on a consistent basis, I feel loved. People who need quality time aren’t always about having every free moment with someone. It’s about that person taking the time to inquire about that person..to listen and to offer support. I am always irritated by someone who never bothers to ask me anything. How can I share my life with someone if they never SHOW me they care enough to ask? I immediately interpret it as a lack of interest and feel…..drum roll……unloved.  I scored the lowest on Gift Receiving. I like gifts! However, I do not need them to feel loved. Although, this is not to dismiss other people’s need for a gift to feel loved. Perhaps this person does not need something as serious as a new car (not everyone in this category is a gold digger.) Maybe that person needs a small token of being thought of-flowers, romantic card, etc.  Now HERE’S the tricky part in a relationship.

Moral: A relationship isn’t just about YOU or ME. (I know, I know…crazy right???) A real relationship is about the other person too. If you are in a relationship, try to think about what the OTHER person needs in order to feel loved. Do you love her/him? If so..make an effort to figure it out. Communication is not just about complaining, it is about talking and learning and discovering. Ask questions and do not assume you have them figured out. I guarantee you…you aint that smart..none of us are. These are the hard tasks of a healthy relationship. If the communication is successful, it is well worth the investment. To not care about the other partners needs is to create resentment and the eventual demise of the relationship. Trust me..been there, done that. 

****DISCLAIMER: This is all my humble opinion. If you think this is all a load of poop..okay. That’s your right. If you are in love with someone and facing challenges, I think it might be worth exploring.  What can it hurt? I’m not saying it’s the gospel truth. I am suggesting that it is worth reading. Take it for what it’s worth yo****

Until Next Time…I left the link to the authors website below. Check it out…maybe?  CIAO!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

5 Signs That You’re the Back-up Date

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while now.   Today I received an email that enabled me to start on this post again.

Dear Sara,

I have been dating this guy for about three months. He calls me regularly for about two weeks and then disappears. He always asks me out on last-minute dates. The dates go well but then he disappears. Why do you think he does that?

Anonymous

Here are 5 signs that you are the back up date:

1. The person calls you regularly then disappears
2. The person shows interest and then runs cold for periods of time
3. The object of your affection always asks you out at the last-minute (once in a while is ok, but always is a red flag)
4. He/she is not moving forward in the relationship (if it’s been months and you still only see him/her once a week..there might be an issue.)
5. He/she demonstrates random behavior (calls a lot, stops calling. Always responds to text messages, then stops. It’s really a continuation of number 2.)

I am sorry Anonymous. I think there is a strong chance you are the back-up date. My advice is to stop seeing him. I would let him know that you are looking for a more consistent relationship. Be honest and then walk away. You can’t make someone want to make you a priority.  I know that sucks and it hurts (I’ve been there) but if you walk away now, you can find someone who DOES want to make you a priority. Good luck my friend!  To my male friends (and female) please drop this attitude. There is no point in dating just to date…not when you’re a grown up.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

It’s Just One of Those Days..

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like punching someone in the face? I mean if one more person demands something of you or even looks at you they are going to see you get full-on crazy! It has a spiraling effect. Little things start to bother you. That car better stop riding so close to me. My employee better start SELLING something. I mean, say what one more time! Boohoo I am sleeping alone or should I say NOT sleeping alone. How dare someone not know intuitively that you wanted someone to commiserate with you and then distract you? How can they not psychically know you wanted to be comforted? Damn them!

The truth is my problems are my own and they always have been. I am responsible for my own happiness and always have been. Every once in a while I am humbled by this truth. My pastor was addressing this last Sunday. He discussed that 90% of everything we do is in reaction to what is done to us. We have very little control over what happens to us. Our real control is how we respond. The key is to show the same grace we are given. To act out of love. Boy howdy that’s hard to do. So here’s the good news to my post.

It’s okay to have one of those days. Just try to contain the damage….I think I could have done a lot worse tonight. I am ornery! (Not sure how much grace I showed but baby steps!) For a little while I felt like chewing on glass. I mean I was getting on my own nerves. I don’t want to be mean to anyone so I avoided people. Tonight I have no vent, no outlet, and here I am at 12am not asleep. Uggh! But……it’s okay.  Advice: Just breathe…this too shall pass.  Also, realize it’s just one of those days. Until next time..here’s a song.

Ciao!

You’ve Changed

A dear friend paid me a huge compliment yesterday. She told me I am such a stronger and different person than I used to be? I asked her to explain. My friend replied with, “You have always been strong but ever since the tragedy, your whole outlook has shifted. Your priorities are different and your optimism is even better but at the same time you seem wiser.” (No I DID NOT pay her to say it. I know someone went there.) It’s ironic she said that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different I feel.

I feel different in many ways. Damn do I feel different. I am longer afraid of putting my emotions out in the open. Life is short and I never want to let a moment pass without someone knowing how I feel. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to take for granted one single second of my life.  If I had the money to pay off my student loans or travel to Europe, I would choose Europe hands down. Life is short. When I die I do not want to think:  I’ve never even been to New York City but at least my student loans were paid off. Life is just too precious. I don’t want to watch life, I want to live it. I never realized young people could die randomly. I never knew the selfish actions of one person could change everything. I guess I did but I never thought it could happen to me until someone close to me died.  I don’t view things the same way. My priorities ARE different. I can let things go easier.  I don’t care about conquering the world anymore. I care about living in it. Of course not all change is good.

I feel more exposed than I ever have. The vulnerability in me is so noticeable to me (maybe not to others) but I feel it profoundly because it’s never been there before. I feel more alone than I ever have. I never realized what a lack of family meant until I needed one to lean on.  I am very happy with my life. I am very blessed. I am not complaining. There just seems to be a weight that presses down on me from time to time as responsibilities I wasn’t prepared for make their appearance. I guess GOD figured I was prepared.  I do feel wiser but with that comes a fear of new loss I did not have before.  People can leave. People can die. Promises are broken. Things can change. People change.  So do I even have a moral?

Um yeah I do. The point isn’t to talk about poor Lil Sara. The point is that change is inevitable. It will happen whether we want it or not. No one will prepare us for it. If I can look back at my outlook on life 3/5/10 years ago it is all different.  Most of it is much much better.  There is freedom in change. There is beauty in the consistency of change. I encourage everyone to embrace the change instead of fighting it. Do not panic when it happens…instead ride it out. Please remember…where you are right now is not where you will be in 6 months or a year or five years. Life is a journey.  Make it a good one.

 

I am feeling deep tonight. I will leave you with his favorite bible verse. We shared it at his funeral.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3 1-8

Until Next Time…Ciao!