Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Bust a Move

Dear Sara,

Is it appropriate to make the first move on a date? I was always taught to let the man do it. What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Hi Anonymous! The answer is: If it feels appropriate then yes you should! The rule is there are no rules. I used to be the exact same way but the pressure is crazy! I hate the pressure of waiting so the last time I had a first kiss, I was the one to initiate it. I just wanted to golly gee  get it over with! However, I would qualify this with the timing felt right to me when I did it. Remember to not get caught up in all the dumb rules that society and dating books try to cram down our throats. Listen to your instincts and trust them.

Until Next Time….here’s some old school hip hop….Ciao!

 

 

 

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May 3, 2014 Posted by | Dating Advice, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Psst: You’re on a Mailing List

Dear Sara,

I seem to get lot’s of random text from guys I have dated in the past. Why do you think they keep messaging me? I got four Merry Christmas messages and tons of Happy New Year ones.  I also get lots of “How are you?” messages. When I answer there’s never a response. Why text me if they don’t want to answer?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

no-mass-texting

This is a timely question. I was just discussing this with a very close friend. You are most certainly on a mass text list. Unfortunately, almost a year of serial dating left me on LOTS of lists! I also receive a bunch of messages that seem very random. I never answer them. I can tell when they are genuinely sent to me only. A “Merry Christmas Sara. I hope you’re well.” message is definitely a direct and personal greeting from someone I dated. I would seriously change my number if I hadn’t had it so long.

Advice? Do not bother responding if you can tell it’s a mass text. Did you know they have text spamming software? It’s true! I read it on the internet. Good luck and I hope you know you are not alone. Oh! To all my male readers that do this…STOP! Pretty Please??

Until Next Time…Ciao

February 1, 2014 Posted by | Dating Advice, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Art of Winning

Do you know anyone who just can’t lose? They CAN NOT give up on an argument. It may go something like this:

Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were fat. I told you I think you’re great.

Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to insult me?

Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. Why am I punished for being honest?

Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.

Person 1: This is ridiculous. I am wrong for being honest.

This one is kinda obvious. Big effin derr you should not comment on someone’s size. (No this did not happen to me.  If it had, I would be writing this post from Clark County Jail due to Assault and Battery charges. I happen to have a squeaky clean criminal record.) I am using it as an example only…and yes it is extreme and obvious.  Many people think the art of winning in any real relationship is to be right. We have all made mistakes.  Perhaps you did not mean to hurt someone’s feelings. Perhaps you messed up. Perhaps you are the one who was truly right. I challenge you to think the situation through before you push for victory.

  • Are you really winning if the other party still feels hurt?
  • Does it matter more to prove a point than it does to resolve the situation? (If it does…rock on..but if you are the type of person that can’t EVER be wrong, you need a reality check.)
  • How important is it? (It may BE important. When I am really on a mission, I use my infamous single track mind to reach success. Do not back down if it is vital. However, if it will not affect me in the long run, if it does not push past a boundary I have set, if the other person’s feelings or happiness matter more…I can relent. I can give. I do not need to win every battle. My pride is not an issue when it comes to matters of the heart or even in matters of business strategy.)
  • Have you thought about it through the other person’s perspective? (Are you using compassion? Are you being fair? Are you overlooking the persons perspective?)
  • Please remember “winning” isn’t everything. It is only important when the issue REALLY matters..ie:boundary.

argument need to be right

So let’s rework the earlier argument.

Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were bigger. I told you I think you’re great.

Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to call me a name?

Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. I know it was not right to say. I apologize. I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose those words. 

Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.

Person 1: I understand, I really do.

At this point the conversation should be over.It is not good for either party to continue. Let.It.Go. The worst thing you can do is continue to hold it  against someone. In fact, I used to be very guilty of this. I try very hard to no longer bring up a partner or friends past mistakes. What good does it do?  I have found it to be counterproductive. Is it right to continuously punish someone for a mistake? No it is not. The art of winning is not only that you don’t always have to win. The second part is that just because you were wronged doesn’t mean that you can place the victory in your artillery chest to pull out for later. DO NOT go down this path my friends. If you are always throwing stuff in your partners face they will get tired of it. They will feel like they can never redeem themselves. We are human and therefore we are flawed. Forgiveness can be its own form of winning. So… Let.It.Go. As a bonus, it’s also really good for you too!

Advice for today? Sometimes it is better to resolve the situation. A relationship isn’t a scorecard. I will reiterate that you need to have boundaries in place…but sometimes winning doesn’t mean you win. Sometimes, you need to show understanding, love and support more than proving a point. Also, if you are wronged in a relationship, forgive and forget once resolution has been achieved. If we were repeatedly punished for every mistake we ever made, life would be rough yo. As long as it has been resolved, let it go. Grab the pain/hurt/anger and throw it out with the trash….cuz that’s where it belongs.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

November 17, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

5 Signs That You’re the Back-up Date

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while now.   Today I received an email that enabled me to start on this post again.

Dear Sara,

I have been dating this guy for about three months. He calls me regularly for about two weeks and then disappears. He always asks me out on last-minute dates. The dates go well but then he disappears. Why do you think he does that?

Anonymous

Here are 5 signs that you are the back up date:

  1. The person calls you regularly then disappears
  2. The person shows interest and then runs cold for periods of time
  3. The object of your affection always asks you out at the last-minute (once in a while is ok, but always is a red flag)
  4. He/she is not moving forward in the relationship (if it’s been months and you still only see him/her once a week..there might be an issue.)
  5. He/she demonstrates random behavior (calls a lot, stops calling. Always responds to text messages, then stops. It’s really a continuation of number 2.)

I am sorry Anonymous. I think there is a strong chance you are the back-up date. My advice is to stop seeing him. I would let him know that you are looking for a more consistent relationship. Be honest and then walk away. You can’t make someone want to make you a priority.  I know that sucks and it hurts (I’ve been there) but if you walk away now, you can find someone who DOES want to make you a priority. Good luck my friend!  To my male friends (and female) please drop this attitude. There is no point in dating just to date…not when you’re a grown up.

backup date

Until Next Time…Ciao!

October 22, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Players, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Players Always Come Back!

Players always circle back on me. It’s like I’m on their quarterly rotation or something! So I received a message from a real douche..err gem of a man yesterday that basically asked me casually if I could help him find a job. He stated, “I noticed you’re on LinkedIn, do you have a job for me?” I waited and I debated. I am working on growing as a person. I should be mature and ignore him. This is the only man who ever officially played me. Why in the world would I reply?

Well….The answer is cuz I’m immature….derr. So I answered in a very lady-like manner. I replied with, “I didn’t know you were looking for a job. I have a great Proctologist I can refer you to.” See! I can keep it classy! He responded with, “I’m not but judging by your response, it sounds like you need one.” Now I never loved this cat. In fact, I don’t even know who he really is. You can’t feel deeply for someone you don’t know. He was sarcastic like me with a quick wit that amused me and kind of nice.  I allowed him to crawl inside my head during a time when I was very very vulnerable and he took advantage of that. (Although I am certainly responsible for letting him.) However, I don’t really care much other than he is still a mystery to me. Oh and like I said he is really my only “mistake.”  He doesn’t qualify to even be considered an ex.  I haven’t seen him in over a year. This man proceeded to tell me that he viewed my profile because he missed me. HA! How very amusing to me.

Captain Dumb Ass…we will call him that… is not a nice man. You can refer to any of my posts about players and see he fits the stereotype to a T. Everything you tell him, he pushes back on me. I call him a player, he says, “No you’re the player.” When I tried to stop seeing him over a year ago (during the brief tenure of our dating) he pushed back HARD to keep me. He didn’t do this because he cared. He did it because players like a challenge. In my naive and inexperienced head I thought, “Wow he must really be into me because he’s fighting for me.” Although when I paid attention to him, he came and went as he pleased including answering calls and texts. It was on his time frame. That’s because I was only interesting to him when there was a game running in his head. When it ended, I was stung. I mean he was only one of two men that EVER really caught my interest in my single adventure. (The other I am happily dating so score for me.) However, I didn’t see his behavior coming and I was just caught 100% off guard. I felt very used and I am about honesty here..I was used.

I will never forget what a female friend said to me during that time. (A female player friend by the way..ironic??) She told me, “He will be back.” I told here there was no way he would ever contact me again. He contacted me a little over three months ago to tell me he saw me out one night and to see how I was doing. I didn’t feed into it then. Players always come back. I’ve been on enough first and second dates with them to know that now. However, I shouldn’t have participated in conversation with him this time.   I engaged back because I was having a bad day and I felt like being mean.  This is why I am writing about it tonight.

Advice for today?  If you ever wondered if you were dating a player, one of the absolute biggest signs is he/she will circle back on you.  (psst: this has to be in conjunction with a bunch of other things.) Do not cave when they come back.  If the only two men were left on the planet were him and Pee Wee Herman, I’d be loving me some Pee Wee… Just sayin… To an intentional player, this circle back game is fun for them. They like to see if they can get back in after they’ve treated you like garbage.  If you have ever had someone play with your feelings….just know you’re not alone. Learn from it, accept it, forgive yourself, forgive the other person and move on. I will pray extra hard for Captain Dumb Ass. I hope he finds a way to stop. At 44, I expected a man to be done with the games…guess not! Remember to always play by your own rules when dating and never someone else’s.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

September 19, 2013 Posted by | Players, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Getting Played: What’s it Feel Like?

Someone asked me recently what it feels like to date a player. I have been thinking about it ever since I read the question last weekend. My quick answer is it doesn’t feel good. Derr…It’s really not nice to play with someone’s head. I mean that’s a really crappy thing to do to someone who is dating with the good intentions of finding a partner. In fact, a player is why I started my blog.

I hate repeating myself but I entered the dating game late-like over a decade late. I never thought it would be hard. I mean I didn’t expect to run right out and find my true love but I really thought I would be beating great men off with sticks. HA HA HA! I really did just laugh out loud. I found idiots and sleezebags and drug users and jerks and weirdos.  Finding an actual nice man who caught my interest in the chemistry AND intellectual department was next to impossible.  I painfully discovered I was a BIG GIANT magnet for a player. Perhaps it was my lack of experience or my direct and independent nature that posed a challenge..I dunno? I beat myself up repeatedly over almost getting roughed up, on getting my feelings hurt and even stalked as a result of my inexperience. The result was my confidence came down several notches and I lost a small piece of my naivety. However,  I snapped out of that shiznit quick and decided to write. Soon thereafter, I discovered the method to spot a player and I am constantly trying to find different ways to educate anyone who is interested in avoiding them while dating. (If you want to troubleshoot a possible player situation, email me..I really do have that down.) I am not losing any sleep over any players ever again but I’ve been there.

So if you are asking me this as the player, the answer is that playing emotional games with a woman is horrible. It is demeaning and it is hurtful and it is what gives men a bad reputation. (not all men-I believe good men exist. I have one in my life.) I can honestly say there was one point in time when I had tears in my eyes over a jerk who totally took advantage of me that I actually understood why some women are bitter. Side note: If you are bitter…let that go too because it’s counterproductive.

My final opinion to your question: If you are an intentional player, shame on you. If you are in your twenties and just getting your feet wet..um okay. However, if you are in your mid thirties and beyond and still playing, I feel sorry for you. I guarantee that one day you will wake up at 60 and be all alone and perhaps that’s what you deserve. However, it’s not too late. We all make mistakes in life…just stop doing it. Treat women the way you would want someone to treat your daughter. Oh and psst: this advice goes both ways. To all my female players: Men are not your door mat. I am raising two boys and I don’t want them to be anywhere near a woman like that. Boom!

Until Next Time…Ciao!

September 3, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Players, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What is Love?

I recently received this email. I decided to share because it hits close to home; and I think it may help others too. (To be honest I am behind in responses and I promise to catch up.) In my normal manner, I have removed names and I am cutting the email short. I don’t have room for all of it..so there.

Hi Sara,

I have never been lucky in love…..I am in a serious relationship currently and want to ask you what your thoughts are on being in love. How do you know?…… I am afraid I am moving too quick and do not want to be hurt……. Do you have any tips on telling if you are in love?

Anonymous

Yeah so I’ve already said that I am not qualified for this. I keep getting these types of questions. How do I know what love is? I don’t exactly have a success rate at being in love. However, I have been thinking about this question ever since I read it.  I think people have tried to define love for centuries. What is love? How do you know?

Love is when you realize you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. Love comes in many forms. Romantically speaking, love is not loving all the perfections of your partner. It is easy to love perfections. It’s about loving all the imperfections. I know I am in love when I realize I adore the way someone chews their food, or their poor driving or their incessant need to always be right. If I catch myself gazing at a man’s profile while he drives in admiration or watching the way his mouths form words…I know I am in love. I don’t notice those things when I am in lust. I just don’t. BIG signs for me are when his presence doesn’t crowd me. I have always been secretly crowded by love interests. Unfortunately to the point where I may care about someone but after say 24 hours around them, I am ready for a few days off. I know I have found someone special when I don’t need space.

So what’s my advice? I am always going to tell you to look at your actions as well as your partners. Is everything healthy? By this I mean are you hiding your relationship or are you taking natural, normal steps toward progress. Is he/she meeting your basic needs?  What does your gut tell you? Not your err..lust, but that inner voice that we should always listen to. That gut feeling has saved me many times and whenever I overlook it, it leads to heartache. There is no time frame on love. It.just.happens.  Do not run from love out of fear. I do not recommend making any decisions out of fear. Fear leads to loneliness and it leads to something worse than failure. It leads to no experiences at all. You will never have a chance to improve on past failures if you do not keep trying.  However, do take the time to really analyze your feelings and where they come from. I wish you the absolute best in this exciting relationship. May love and GOD be on your side.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 3, 2013 Posted by | Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Top 10 Places for Dates in Las Vegas

Las Vegas

Las Vegas, my home town, is a treasure trove of fabulous date night spots.  There are many things to do outside of the typical yet beautiful resorts and night clubs.  I’ve created a catchall list of places I think make for a great date night. I would like to think I’ve included a little something for everyone. (These are not necessarily in any particular order.)

  1. Marche Bacchus -This is a delightful spot located in the Summerlin area. It has a lakeside view and an onsite wine shop. It has been my experience that you can’t go wrong with delicious French food combined with excellent wine and a waterside view. This equals a romantic evening.
  2. KISS by Monster Mini Golf – What a fun spot! Even if you do not care for the band..and let’s face it KISS kinda rocks. Not only that but for a nominal fee you can wear the boots and get a souvenir picture! That rocks all by itself!
  3. The Cellar Lounge – Great prices and a truly one-of-a kind atmosphere for Las Vegas. This unique setting is actually downstairs. They offer a variety of blues and jazz music and even host an open mic night. (I’d never personally sing there because I like the atmosphere too much to destroy it with the sounds of an injured cat but hey it might be an option for you.)
  4. The Fremont Street Experience – I know this doesn’t sound romantic but I LOVE going there during the Summer of Concerts season. It is affordable fun, live music and the opportunity to people watch.
  5. Peppermill Las Vegas – Entering the Peppermill is like being transported to a different era of Las Vegas. (it’s the strip technically but much easier to get to off of the 15 and Sahara.) The food is fabulous, the drinks are unique and the lounge is a great spot to hang with your honey.
  6. Fast Lap Indoor Kart Racing – I think there is a little kid in all of us that loves racing cars around a track. What sets this place apart is the cars go up to 50 mph and the track is well designed. Also, Las Vegas gets HOT. I like to be able to race indoors. Dating can be romantic but sometimes it should be fun too!
  7. WestWind Las Vegas 5 Drive In – We STILL have ONE Drive In movie theater left. Who doesn’t like the idea of cuddling next to your date while relaxing in your own vehicle during a movie. It can be its own form of romantic.
  8. Haunted Vegas Tours – I honestly didn’t see Bugsy Seigel’s ghost but it sure was interesting to hear about all the rich Las Vegas history I was completely unaware of.  Enjoy a mutual laugh while trying to conduct a paranormal investigation or see a ghost?. Who knows?
  9. Mount Charleston – Get out of the Las Vegas heat for a while and go have dinner at the lodge. Or plan a hike and visit the lounge afterwards.  A hike with your sweetie might be just the ticket. If you are looking to book a getaway this can also be a great spot. The cabins are nice and they have upgraded rooms. Winter or summer this is a nice spot only 45 minutes away from the center of Las Vegas.
  10. The National Atomic Testing Museum – Even if your date doesn’t like science, this is worth a visit . Discover information about mysterious Area 51, a personal favorite.  If you are tired of the typical stuff, I recommend switching it up and giving this place a shot.

I am probably leaving out at least 100 other places. Until Next Time…Ciao!

July 31, 2013 Posted by | Dating Ideas, Las Vegas Tips | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get Lost: Tips and Statistics For Victims of Stalkers

Dating is hard…derr right? Just when I think I have some stuff under control, I now know a guy who…….is kinda stalking me. Why do you ask? Well..he has called me from anonymous numbers and stating things like he just saw me at the store, am I going to Taekwondo, mentioning what street I live on (when he never went to my house or received my address from me), and making mention of things he saw on my Facebook page. The final straw occurred when he called my work. This is not my first time being a victim of this type of crime.

The first happened when I was a teenager and it was infinitely more intense (and physically painful) than this recent experience. It occurred when an older man who was near my high school lied to me about his age to get me to talk to him. Long story short, once I figured out his real age I immediately stopped talking to him. He went ballistic. He actually physically attacked one of my dear friends and made several attempts to hurt me. I filed and received a restraining order. This did not prevent him from watching and tormenting me. He was finally stopped and charged with attacking a minor (yours truly) and this resulted in him backing off. There is more to both stories but that’s besides the point. My intentions are not to share all of that. The objective is to share what I discovered about stalking and to hopefully help someone who may face this issue.

Unfortunately, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, this is a very common crime. (Obviously..if it happened to me twice, I think that’s pretty obvious.) Below is a summary of the findings for 2012.

  • During a 12-month period an estimated 14 in every 1,000 persons age 18 or older were victims of stalking
  • About half (46%) of stalking victims experienced at least one unwanted contact per week, and 11% of victims said they had been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • The risk of stalking victimization was highest for individuals who were divorced or separated—34 per 1,000 individuals.
  • Women were at greater risk than men for stalking victimization; however, women and men were equally likely to experience harassment.
  • Male (37%) and female (41%) stalking victimizations were equally likely to be reported to the police.
  • Approximately 1 in 4 stalking victims reported some form of cyber stalking such as e-mail (83%) or instant messaging (35%).
  • 46% of stalking victims felt fear of not knowing what would happen next.
  • Nearly 3 in 4 stalking victims knew their offender in some capacity.
  • More than half of stalking victims lost 5 or more days from work.

So those are statistics and they’re kinda eye-opening. The real question is how to manage it or even prevent stalking. I am usually the most optimistic person I know but I have not been able to find a way to prevent this type of behavior. So I can’t advise on prevention. Also, until violence happens the police really do have their hands tied. I can try to offer some basic ideas towards punishing the stalker.

  • Be sure you know as much information as possible about the stalker. The police will need as many specific facts as possible.
  • If you are truly concerned, file a retraining order as soon as possible.
  • Always err on the side of caution when faced with this type of situation. Many victims become victims of escalated crime because they do not speak up soon enough.
  • Document every incident that happens (trust me that one is important.)

I will personally chalk this up to a close call. Seems like there have been a lot of them in my short dating career.  I am not complaining-it is better to learn a lesson through an “almost happened” than the hard way. I have received an earful of advice and criticism on dating. What can I do? I am not serial dating anymore (I get why that’s dangerous amongst other things-I really do.) However, if I never date anyone, how will I not be a crazy cat lady some day???  I don’t want to date..I kinda can’t stand it but there is absolutely no short cut to finding companionship.

What is my lesson? Ladies and Gentlemen: The dating world is more than a frustrating path of mind games. It is also dangerous. Be as safe as possible while choosing who to spend time with. 

Until next time…ciao!

Resources:

http://bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973

http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/stalking/arrests-prosecution.htm

http://crime.about.com/od/stalking/a/stalked_help.htm

April 8, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Safety, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

8 Signs You Are Dating A Douche

Oh yeah I so went there! I’ve learned a few things during my dating adventures. Pollyanna Sara is not quite as dumb as she used to be. This chica has learned a few things and has a better idea of what to avoid. (Some of you might be like: “Wow this girl didn’t know that!” Well some of them I didn’t so no judging!)

***Also, to my male readers, I’ve got something I’m working on for you. (I’ve been conducting super sleuth research. You will be amazed..err maybe not amazed but at least mildly impressed..I hope)***  Back to the topic at hand…

The guy might be a douche if:

sleazebag

  • He never ever asks you a single thing about yourself (I can almost guarantee it’s because he doesn’t care.)
  • If the guy only calls or texts you on a Friday (He probably just wants to hook up.)
  • He texts you randomly and never responds to you (I have heard of a program that allows people to “mass” text people. Effin RUDE to text someone and disappear! ugh!) 
  • If he has brass balls-not the kind used for sports-hanging from the back of his truck (I know there are always exceptions but this screams Douche. sorry)
  • If you met him online and over half of his pictures are of him topless (Anyone who follows my blog knows how I feel about this. PUT.A.SHIRT.ON..geesh)
  • The guy you’ve been on a couple of dates with that asks for pictures of you non stop. (Hey, send me a pic of those great legs. Um NO!)
  • Any guy you’re dating that ceaselessly sends you pictures of himself-in bed, getting out of the shower, etc. (Yeah…I don’t get it.)
  • A guy who doesn’t understand why he’s been single for over three years but thinks two weeks is enough time to score a home run. (This one is personal-so what?)
  • ANY guy who asks YOU out on a date but thinks you should pay (This has not happened to me but it has happened to friends of mine. If it did happen to me I guarantee you the conversation would go like this, “You can get the bill-you asked me out and I left my wallet at home.” BOOM!)

I know I said 8 and I gave you 9. So sue me! The truth is I could probably go on and on. I know there are good men out there. However, as I reflect on the men I’ve met, I can’t help but wonder where they are?

MORAL: If you are a man who read this and thought, “This isn’t me.” GOD Bless you. Thank you for being a real man. If you are a man who read this and thought, “I do that.” STOP IT! Pretty Please? If you are a woman who read this and can relate…keep your head up. There are great men out there….I’ve met some-but they were married to great women…but some of them have to be single-I just know it!

Until next time…Ciao!

March 20, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Mistakes, Uncategorized | , , , , , | 5 Comments