FEAR

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

Date Gone Bad!!!

Sara,

What do you do when your date totally embarrasses you?  I recently went out with this woman who I met online.  Our first “coffee date” was pretty cool and I thought she was really nice. On our second date we went to dinner at a very nice restaurant. She ordered a salad.  When the  waitress brought it out my date came completely unglued!  She totally freaked out saying this salad doesn’t look the same as the salad she had last time she was there. What was the matter with it!  She gave the waitress a really hard time and demanded to see the manager.  The waitress and the manager were doing everything possible to make her happy, they brought her another salad they gave her a bunch of extra stuff, they apologized profusely but nothing would make her happy she complained during the entire dinner.  In the meantime I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do. Her salad looked fine to me, but she was throwing a fit. We finished eating and she took everything she could off the table and put it in her purse.  I was so embarrassed I left the server a 50% tip and we left.

I thought maybe this was just a one-time thing and so we went out again the next week.   We went to another really nice restaurant and she threw another fit!  She had to call in the manager and complain about one of the servers it was so embarrassing I wanted to crawl under the table.  Needless to say I am not calling this woman back and truthfully, I hope I never see her again. 

 What should a guy do when his date is embarrassing him like crazy?

 

Wowsers! I am sorry to say I laughed pretty hard at the imagery of someone stealing everything off the table. I think the question posed to me is, “What do you do in this type of situation?”

Advice: Well honestly Anonymous, I would not go on another date with that person! Also, if a date ever steals things off the table, then you should probably not ask her out again. (just sayin..) Although, I think that is “hindsight is 20/20″ type of advice. My real advice is if you are ever in that type of awkward, bad vibe, geesh this date is cray cray type of scenario again….end it. I literally would say something like this,”I can tell you are having a rough night and this is not my idea of appropriate behaviour. Thank you for meeting me but this is not what I am looking for.” (I promise you I have actually said something along those lines before during a bad date.) You see most people don’t handle things that way so they are shocked by it. If you say it firmly, politely, and in a manner that leaves no room for argument..I guarantee you will catch them off guard enough to make an exit. I left a bad date with his jaw wide open in a similar manner in the middle of dinner. He called me to apologize but really…..you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. (I’m full of useless clichés tonight!) You can choose to not tolerate that type of behavior and tell the bad date that and RUN or…………You can always go the bathroom and not come back. I prefer directness BUT the choice is up to you!

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Oh No He Didn’t!

So we know if we are on dating sites, we will get approached via message. DATING SITES. Last Thursday I received the message below. (PSST: I am no longer on the dating sites and haven’t been for a year.)

Hello Beautiful, I may not be superman, but give me a second and I will fly across countries to send you my love. Have you received it? hope you don’t mind us communicating each other through our personal email,hope you don’t mind?
Waiting to read from you soon…. 

Regards……. Christopher

And TODAY I received a different message from a different man!!!!

Hi thanks for accepting my connection, anyway l have gone through your profile and l must tell you that am really impressed on what l have seen therefore thats why l connected you maybe we can share some ideas together after hours though we are in different fields. You look really good and would wanna get to know you properly. bye and hope to hear from you soon

Where do you think I received these messages? FaceBook? NOPE Twitter? NOPE….drum roll…….LinkedIn! Now go freaking figure. I always assumed this was a safe professional social networking venue. The first email was over the top stupid. (Ummm sorry it was.) Let me qualify: It was STUPID under any circumstance. Stupid on a dating site, stupid on a boat, and stupid with a goat. I really blew it off to one of those rare chance occurrences but four days later another guy sends me a message. What is this? LinkedIn Lonely Hearts Club? So über stupid and unprofessional. ( I do have a professional persona ya know!)

Todays Advice:

Men: PLEASE do not send this kind of crap. It is ridiculously transparent and insulting. (Psst: It is insulting because anyone who sends it must think I’m some kind of idiot to believe its authenticity; and if you can’t figure that one out buddy…phone a friend.) Anywho…I do not recommend generic, demeaning messages. If you happen to attract a woman this way, she may be….generic herself.

Women: Let’s not reply to this junk. I know it’s tempting to want to tell them off or to just plain ‘ole vent but it just isn’t worth it. I stopped a long time ago.

Everyone: LinkedIn is for business networking. Not hooking up…and that’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

When Do You Know?

A close friend asked me, “Sara, when do I know I am over my ex?” I think the answer is to look at your actions.

• Are you looking at his/her online profile on a frequent basis? (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) If you are looking at them more than you care to admit, you are probably still healing and not moved on.
• Are you looking at old photographs? This one is kinda obvious. If you feel the need to pull out old photos, you are probably not over your ex. (pst: if you have kids with the person and you keep them for your kids, it’s different. However, if you are pulling them out just to look at the person…well I don’t think you’re over it.)
• Do you still keep mementos? (old cards, letters. etc.) When you are really over something, you can let go of that stuff. I dare say it is good for you.
• Do you visit places you used to see him/her at in the hopes of seeing the person? ( I have never done this but I have heard of people doing it.)
• Do you think about your ex frequently?
• Do you find yourself jumping at the chance to see him/her? This is a BIG one.
• Have you found yourself thinking about a random reason to reach out to him/her in the hopes of starting a dialogue? Hey..we’ve all done it. It just means you are not over it.

Today’s Moral:If you are suffering from these symptoms, it does not make you a weak person. This just means you are probably not over your last relationship. Just like the grief process, it takes as long as it takes. I only caution you not to start a NEW relationship until you are ready. It is better for you and better for the next amazing person you find in your life.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Oh! And remember to never ever do this: