Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Build ‘Em Up

beautifulI think a lot of people spend time pointing out the flaws in a person. It is a very easy thing to do. We are so quick to focus on what someone doesn’t do in our relationships. She doesn’t say this enough. He doesn’t do this enough. Some of us speak our thoughts out loud. Some of us do not. I guarantee you that thinking this way only leads to disappointment and poor relationships.

If you are always treating someone like they are lacking, they are always going to come up short. This will lead to that person always feeling inadequate and will create a sure path to destruction in your relationship. Maybe you just don’t comment on anything? That can be okay…..but….it is so much better if you “build up a person.” (DISCLAIMER: This doesn’t mean you are responsible for repairing a person’s entire sense of confidence. There is a fine line here. I am only referring to ensuring their confidence in how YOU feel about them.) So what’s the answer? I’m going to keep this simple.

Today’s Moral: If you want your partner to feel good about your relationship…freaking tell them what you think of them…um the good stuff. Focus on the things you really like about them. For example, if you think your girlfriend is an amazing kisser…tell her! Tell her often. You will be amazed what happens when a man/woman is very secure in your feelings for them. I know for a fact that a woman will blossom when she feels confident in your desire for her. Try it…for science.

Compliments

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Advertisements

June 28, 2014 Posted by | Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bust a Move

Dear Sara,

Is it appropriate to make the first move on a date? I was always taught to let the man do it. What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Hi Anonymous! The answer is: If it feels appropriate then yes you should! The rule is there are no rules. I used to be the exact same way but the pressure is crazy! I hate the pressure of waiting so the last time I had a first kiss, I was the one to initiate it. I just wanted to golly gee  get it over with! However, I would qualify this with the timing felt right to me when I did it. Remember to not get caught up in all the dumb rules that society and dating books try to cram down our throats. Listen to your instincts and trust them.

Until Next Time….here’s some old school hip hop….Ciao!

 

 

 

May 3, 2014 Posted by | Dating Advice, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

7 Things You Don’t Tell Your Significant Other

stupid things

Has your S.O. (psst: That’s short for Significant Other) ever opened his/her mouth and you wished you could shove a sock in it? Or even worse…..Have you ever watched the expression on your loved one’s face shatter as you cram your entire foot in your mouth? Then, once you said something incredibly insensitive, you just kept digging the hole deeper? I have. If you have never said something stupid you must be one of those perfect people and you really should teach…cuz I know LOTS of people who need the lessons (like um me.) Unfortunately,  I do not know of this perfect person…so…I wrote a list!

  1. Do not tell your S.O that you are very attracted to a certain “type” of person that does not match them. (It just isn’t a good idea people. You’ve instantly made someone insecure about his/her desirability ((I have no idea if that’s even a word yo..but I checked and it is!))
  2. Do not tell your S.O that you can’t see them anymore because your ex called you back. (Look some things need to be left out.  Things like that can be very damaging to the ego and NO I have not been told that but I’ve witnessed it.)
  3. Never EVER tell your S.O they look fat (I am especially giving this advice to the men. Even confident women might have to work on getting over that)
  4. Never EVVVVVVERRRRRR talk about the pleasurable sex life you had with your ex. (Some things are OFF limits. Why in the world would that even be mentioned? It’s really simple…stay focused on complimenting the sex life you currently have before it becomes your past as well. Derr)
  5. Do not tell your S.O that you want to be married some day but not to them. (Even if it’s the truth..leave it out. It’s hurtful and I am guilty…although it was the truth.)
  6. Do not attack your S.O’s moral character. (DISCLAIMER: If you are on your way out the door forever..perhaps a little truth-telling might be good. However, if you are planning on working it out, please remember this is the kind of stuff that sticks with a person.)
  7. Do not call names. (It’s just not cool. I used to do this in the early stages of my marriage. Although many of the names were true, it’s not nice or productive. I’ve also been on the receiving end of some of the vilest names you can call a woman..by someone who claimed to love me. It hurts.)

Today’s Advice: Words hurt. People like to say sticks and stones may break my bones…blah blah blah. The truth is that most damage is caused by what we say out of spite or stupidity. If you love your S.O. focus on building them up. (post on that coming.) Think through what you are saying. Please trust me on this..focus on the good. It says that in the bible you know. (I’m not trying to get preachy but…) It’s the truth.  Also, if your S.O. messes up forgive him/her if it was unintentional. (I personally stay away from people who say mean things from spite.) If it was stupid…forgive. Writing this out helped me remember that too. Even if you are not Christian, my favorite book in the bible has a lot of valuable lessons on love. I will leave you with my favorite.

1 Corinthians 13:4-12

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

 

April 3, 2014 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When Do You Know?

A close friend asked me, “Sara, when do I know I am over my ex?” I think the answer is to look at your actions.

  • Are you looking at his/her online profile on a frequent basis? (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) If you are looking at them more than you care to admit, you are probably still healing and not moved on.
  • Are you looking at old photographs? This one is kinda obvious. If you feel the need to pull out old photos, you are probably not over your ex. (pst: if you have kids with the person and you keep them for your kids, it’s different. However, if you are pulling them out just to look at the person…well I don’t think you’re over it.)
  • Do you still keep mementos? (old cards, letters. etc.) When you are really over something, you can let go of that stuff. I dare say it is good for you.
  • Do you visit places you used to see him/her at in the hopes of seeing the person? ( I have never done this but I have heard of people doing it.)
  • Do you think about your ex frequently?
  • Do you find yourself jumping at the chance to see him/her? This is a BIG one.
  • Have you found yourself thinking about a random reason to reach out to him/her in the hopes of starting a dialogue? Hey..we’ve all done it. It just means you are not over it.

Today’s Moral:If you are suffering from these symptoms, it does not make you a weak person. This just means you are probably not over your last relationship. Just like the grief process, it takes as long as it takes. I only caution you not to start a NEW relationship until you are ready. It is better for you and better for the next amazing person you find in your life.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Oh! And remember to never ever do this:

o-BREAK-UP-570

March 10, 2014 Posted by | Dating Advice, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Aint No Holla Back Girl

I pulled up at the convenient store that is conveniently around the corner from my office at lunch. As I stepped in to get my usual fix of Bubblicious Bubble Gum, a man followed me in. He proceeded to make some very specific comments about very specific parts of my body while he chatted on the phone.  Picture…Puff Daddy meets Jay Z but not even in the same hemisphere of coolness. In my normal fashion I walk by in full Ice Queen mode, head held high and shoulders back, and do not make eye contact. As I am leaving, he was at the gas pump and yells from across the parking lot, “Hey!” I ignore him because I am really quite good at being an Ice Queen. He yells out, “Hello!” Finally, I turn as I am putting my key in the car door (um yes…I do not have a key fob…that’s how I roll yo) and I say hello back. Puff Daddy Z quickly gets in his brand new Mercedes and races towards me in his car. At this point I am stuck. He says, “Girl blah freaking blah you can fill in the blanks and a few comments about my sexiness.” I reply, “Thank you I am seeing someone.” He asked, “Are you sure?” I answer, “Yeah I am pretty sure,” He responded with a few more insinuations about how successful he is and a few more that amount to what a shame it is I am unavailable. Hey, he did pay me a few compliments so I thanked him as nicely as I could. He was kinda pushy though so I ended up being a little rude. By rude I mean I told him, “This conversation is over now. Good bye.” I giggled over the look on his face after I told him that as I drove back to work.  I am sorta childish like that. Although, the little episode did get me thinking.

****Qualifier: I am not necessarily saying I am so beautiful that men are always fawning over me. I am relatively easy on the eyes and every once in a while, I am REALLY some dudes type****

The episode got me thinking about his approach. First of all I would have lied to him and said I was seeing someone even if I was single. However, I gotta wonder how often his technique works? I also wish I knew why I was a magnet for men that think their new car or impressive job or what-the-hell-ever else they have to show off is enough to grab my interest. It’s really ironic because none of it matters to me. Not.At.All. All that floss is just entirely wasted on me. Although, I suspect many of my female counter parts in this city might care a little more…but not me. So I have become good at being rude. Chop ’em off at the knees when they’re pushy like this cat was…that’s my motto. (Ironically the really cocky ones seem to like my attitude the most but that’s another story.) Do women really holla back?  How would that conversation even go? “Gee thank you for complimenting my derriere and for so tactfully putting me on the spot in the gas station parking lot by screaming across it. All I really wanted was some bubble gum. However, now that I see you are truly a man of romance, style and compassion, I will go out with you.” Hmmmmm? Yeah I don’t see it happening.

So what’s my moral?

Gentleman: I admire tenacity. If you want something or someone, you should ask. BUT…is screaming across a parking lot or any variation of it ever a good idea? PSST: The answer is no. Also, there is no worse way to demean a woman of value than to make your first declaration of admiration a body part..I’m just gonna put that out there. Furthermore, if you ARE getting results from bragging about all your money AFTER complimenting a specific body part…beware of the woman. Just sayin.

Ladies: Don’t respond to this type of behavior….Like ever. That’s really all I have to say about that!

Until Next Time, here’s a song..just cuz!

Ciao!

November 5, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Men Advice, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I am NOT Afraid!

I was talking with a good friend last week and he told me I was afraid of commitment. That just struck me as hilarious. I pointed out that I have ALWAYS stated that I wanted to be married someday. In fact, he was the one that always said he NEVER wanted to be married and then he proposed to his girlfriend after three months. He replied with, “Yeah but you had a chance to settle down and did not.” I responded quickly with, “That’s because I knew he wanted to do it out of obligation. He never really wanted that type of life with me.” He told me, “See I told you you’re afraid. That’s why you burned through all those guys you were dating.”  FIRST OF ALL: I did not burn through ALL of them. Some of them were real creepos. Some of them bored the HELL outta me. Some of them wanted me to put out on the third date. Some of them just didn’t feel right. Some of them weren’t interested in me. I am not like him. I didn’t latch on to the first normal person I dated because so many people are freaking weird in this city. I may hate living alone but not enough to settle. Not when I feel like I have so much to offer. (Yeah I said it. I DO bring some cool things to the table.) Of all of my friends, he should understand what it’s like being stuck in a horrible marriage. It.Sucks. I don’t expect perfection but I am not settling. My friend laughed at me. He asked me, “Do you think this guy is the one?” I responded quickly with my answer. He laughed again and said but you’re still scared.  This got me thinking.

My friends perception of me isn’t as crazy as I thought. (I feel free to write about this because it’s the truth and no one I know really reads my blog. Although I have offered for them to.) I have thought of running a MILLION times in this relationship. I love him. He is really good for me. He is the most rational relationship I have ever been in and I want him. I am not used to it. I am used to intense craziness. I am used to men filling my head with beautiful things only to never be there when I need them. I am used to..well…dysfunctional men.  For some reason the fact that it is healthy and still makes me happy scares the hell out of me. It makes it more real to me. While I should be elated (and I am) I can’t help but feel scared. What if I fail? What if the kids get attached and I make a huge mistake? How can I set everyone up for that again? What am I doing? You see dear readers, it is not just me on the line. What if he doesn’t like always being around my kids? (I can thank my ex for that.) I know they are great but geesh parenting is such a huge responsibility in my life. No one will ever be their father but someone coming into this household will have a much larger role in their life because their father is dead. I can’t change that. It’s the cards that were dealt to me.  Then I chastise myself for even thinking these thoughts. I am thinking them because every day I have is better with him in it. It is not always exciting. I do not always agree with him. It is not perfect. However, it just dawned on me that this is why it feels so real. I can’t deny that..at least not to myself. I can deny it to my friend…heehee. The thing with good friends though is they always call you out.

So he laughed his butt off at my expense while I explained I am not scared of commitment. He jokingly pointed out that I am totally sure of the guy but start stuttering when he asked me about long-term commitment with the guy. My epiphany is that I am absolutely terrified of it. I am also absolutely terrified of not having it. (Try to make sense of that shiznit, cuz I’m still trying to.) I am just terrified of letting everyone I love down and failing again. I used to think I was a good wife. However, the more time that passes I wonder if that was the case. Someone told me recently that people are the most honest when they are drunk. The man I married was always drunk. He said some of the most vicious and mean things to me when he was drinking. If there is any truth to that, he really hated me.  I can’t digest that and I can’t ask him about it because he’s gone. I confess that towards the end of our marriage I strongly suspected he couldn’t stand me anymore than I could stand him. I can’t understand why he wanted me back so bad (I mean he NEVER gave up) if he really felt that way about me. It’s starting to mess with my head.

However,  the last three years my life has been a series of incredibly unfamiliar experiences. I don’t like it but I know it is why I have grown so much in such a short period of time.  I know if I had met him at a different time, I would have run away months ago. It is just more real than anything I have experienced. (Real means..it is perfect in its normal imperfections.) He is not perfect but I believe he is who he says he is. I believe in him. I do not know if I believe in myself yet. I believe in myself in many ways. I believe I am capable and strong and at the core a good person. I just don’t know if I am worthy of anything real like him. I want him. I answered my friend without a second of hesitation. Although, a wonderfully simple day like today made me realize how terribly vulnerable I still feel. I know that sounds stupid as hell but hey..It’s my blog yo.

So what’s my moral: My moral is that I don’t need to find the answer today. I do not need to worry about commitment or lack of commitment or anyone else’s opinion. I do not need to run from something that I cherish. (that’s just plain old stupid anyways) What I know I need to work on (and if you can relate, I want you to try to work on it as well) is the fact that I deserve to be happy. I do not know how to reach that point but I recognize it in myself. I am a woman of faith. I am turning this over to GOD because he definitely has a better handle on stuff like this than I could ever have.  In the meantime, I will pray and strive to be the best person I can be, and….um try to not be quite as stupid as I used to be. If you are reading this and can relate, do not let fear dictate your actions. Operating in Fear = failure. 

Until next time… Ciao!

September 24, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trying Too Hard?

Someone today accused me of trying too hard. Well that’s just effin hilarious considering the fact I have always been told I do not try hard enough. As soon as he said it, I felt my walls crash down around me like the jaws of a bear trap being shut. I responded quickly and grabbed a book. I successfully slid it under the wall before they slammed down all the way.  During this experience, there were three immediate impulses that crossed my mind.

1. I will back off and perhaps start talking to some of the men that seem to be so persistent. If he wants me he can come get me. (Can you say stupid? You don’t need to. I already know its stupid..derr)

2. I took it personal..like real personal. It made me feel like some sad and pathetic creature that is perhaps giving more than she is getting.

3. Maybe I should stop giving so much. I am a giver by nature. The only time I stop pouring affection on the people I love is when I am hurt. If I am content, I naturally want to give. Perhaps he doesn’t like that? If that is the case, perhaps he is not right for me? Wait a minute..who the heck doesn’t like that?

I squashed my feelings down and simply replied with,”I’m not trying too hard.” Now that’s progress! I didn’t act on impulse. Within 30 minutes I was no longer offended. I must admit it did mildly bother me even afterward. Although the more time that passes the sillier I feel my reaction was. Besides, I can’t do number one because I would never ever intentionally hurt him. I couldn’t do it. He is special to me and I would never want to lose his trust. I know I am not number 2 so I let it go. He is totally lucky to have me. (Better recognize homey..heehee) I will also never be able to stop doing number 3. Heck its one of my better qualities. I need all the good ones I have in order to outweigh the bad ones. HA! No seriously I do need ALL my good qualities dude.

Moral: Progress is measured in baby steps. Boy did I have to literally hold one hand down from the other in order to prevent myself from shooting off an eff you text or even worse a get lost text. I don’t want him to get lost. I mean that could be dangerous. We live in the desert. What if he ran out of water? (yeah I dunno where I am going with that..I will stop now.) Also, I did not let my walls slam down. I threw a book in at the last-minute because I figured using my foot would hurt. I also used my Statistics book from college and I am pretty sure that piece of junk deserved it! However, I didn’t go into ice queen mode. If he thinks I’m trying hard he’s right, but I am not trying just for him. I’m trying to be a better person. I am trying to have better relationships on all levels.  I figure if you want different results you need to do different things. Period.

madness

If you can relate..try it! It’s kinda awesome!

Until Next Time…Ciao!

September 9, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pride Leaves You Lonely

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. I’ve been busy living life. You know how it is..just a simple woman trying to not freak out in unfamiliar territory. However, I gotta share this email! This is another reader who is looking for advice that I can relate to. As usual, I got permission and made it anonymous as well as shorter-blah blah blah.

Dear Sara,

I am in a relationship with someone and I am getting mixed signals. Sometimes he calls me and reaches out to me frequently and sometimes he goes days with only random text messages. When I question him about it, he always throws it back that I didn’t call him either……He makes me feel like he goes days without thinking about me. I do call him but I don’t always want to be the one to initiate………What am I doing wrong? Or am I just wasting my time?

Sincerely,

Anonymous 

I had to cut out a lot of this email but the gist of it is that she feels like he only thinks of her when he’s bored or has nothing else to do. When she confronts him it becomes a pride issue for both parties. I can’t tell her or anyone else if you’re wasting time. I’m not you and I’m not him. I have to go with my gut feeling on this one. It seems like pride is in the way. I am going to wrap this little post up quickly with my advice.

Ladies: Do not allow any man to make you feel unimportant. If he doesn’t care enough to hear your voice or make a phone call…uh next please. However, don’t let pride get in the way of calling. It’s not a game, its real life. I think sometimes the issue happens because as women we are taught to let a man have space. It’s hard..I get it..I really do.

Men: When do you let your woman know you care? Before someone else does. Ha! I love that line! Seriously, why aren’t you making an effort? Is it because you think she’s playing a game. Do you know how hard it is to open up as a woman? I know for me, it’s very hard to let someone in. If you care about her, it’s quid quo pro yo! Give back to her and watch how much a good woman gives in return. Pride aint ever got nobody nuthin! (In proper grammar: Pride leaves you lonely.) A woman wants to know you care enough to keep in touch regularly. Derr.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

August 28, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Mistakes, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Were You Going to Settle?

I recently had a good friend call off his marriage engagement. The reasons were tragic and actually had nothing to do with either of them. However, it is a very black and white situation and there is no choice but for them but to break up. (I know he wouldn’t care if I described why the engagement ended but it is just too intense to share. I see no value it would bring my readers as far as relationships go.)  So he is sad but I honestly think he dodged a bullet.

The woman was not bad or evil or psycho. She was just not right for him. She did not communicate her feelings well, she didn’t meet his physical needs and she constantly compared him to her ex husband. I never sensed that he was REALLY happy but I reserve that judgement because I believe he loves her.  I can tell he is hurting. We were having a conversation earlier and he gave me one of the most honest replies I’ve ever heard.

Our conversation centered around what we are or are not willing to settle on as far as relationship needs. He told me, “I was going to settle then I had that option taken from me and had to cut bait.” I immediately responded with, “Why were you going to settle?” He answered with, “Because I didn’t want to start over.” First of all I love the fact that he is so honest with himself that he immediately knew the answer. It takes a special person to admit something like that. My only reply was, “I am too scared of being stuck in another horrible marriage to settle.” This really got me thinking.

How often do people settle for that reason? How often must it happen in a city like Las Vegas where you are lucky to find someone who isn’t crazy or on drugs or shallow or all of the above? I see the temptation….but why should we settle? What does settling mean? I think it means settling for less than what you deserve. The key here is to be sure you don’t feel “entitled” to unrealistic things.  It is really tragic that anyone feels compelled to settle for anyone “decent” in order to not be alone. I don’t want someone to settle for me. I dream of being with a man who feels blessed to have me in his life. I don’t want him thinking..”Well she aint perfect but this one will do.” The idea just breaks my heart.

What’s my advice: Do not settle for less than what you need. If you are in a relationship and too many instances of this occur…think hard about your future with that person. If no amount of mutual compromise will fix it…then it’s time to go. Ahhh but that is so easy to say-right? The real challenge comes when you actually love that person. Things will never be perfect but remember to not sell yourself short. You are fabulous even if you are alone!

Until next time…Ciao

August 14, 2013 Posted by | Las Vegas Tips, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Ladies..Don’t Do This!

I was speaking with a man the other day about dating. He said, “Men are expected to do all the courting and almost all the work. Men have to make the first moves while women get to choose from multiple men who deserves their attention.” I responded with, “Well women have to worry about being too interested, not interested enough. We worry about men thinking we are easy but at the same time we want them to know we are not a prude. It’s hard for some women to operate that way.” The conversation originated from the fact I do not believe in any of those things….but I’ve written about that before..click here if you are curious.  However, this conversation made me start thinking about a lot of the attractive, single women I know.  (I am not hating on what I am about to discuss.  I actually used to do this too. )

datinggame

I think this man had a point. I do think the stereotypical dating game is the man chases a woman while she determines who is worthy of her affection. I also think this leads to the man pursuing multiple women in order to “increase his odds.” The results are a vicious circle. The woman complains that she can’t find a good man when she is actually wasting time on men that are caught up in the game.  The man wants to find someone but knows he is one of many so he needs to keep lots of bait in the water. Some men don’t care. Some men started off innocent but lost their good intentions along the way. Kind of like a politician.***This really can be unintentional. It’s a vicious circle..remember? The vicious circle I’m referring to implies that no one knows where the fault began but ALL involved are creating it so round and round we go. Are you dizzy yet?***  I have a secret!

Print

The only way to STOP a vicious circle (I really can’t spell that word right-every single time I write it, I get the ugly red squiggly underline. Thank goodness for spell-check yo) As I was saying, the only way to stop the err..circle is to stop participating in it regardless of the outcome. STOP. It’s so stupid easy. You have to let go of the fact that someone else may be doing it. If he/she is, stop talking to them and move on…I promise you that the only way to change any pattern is to try a new one. So that’s my secret..but I still want to give some ladies my humble advice.

Don’t be one of those women that thinks because she is pretty its okay to make a man do all the work. I used to be one of those women. So please don’t be offended if this is you. Let me give you some examples:

  • Putting up your online dating profile and expecting men to ALWAYS initiate contact and keep the conversation going – If you do this and you’re happy ROCK ON! If you do this and notice you only attract one type of guy and it’s not the kind you want, try something different.
  • Always expecting the man to call you – I get that you want to know they’re interested. They SHOULD call first sometimes. Honey they should make you feel like there was never a woman before you BUT…men need to know you care too.  Men need that too.
  • Always expect the man to ask you out – I am not saying a man should not take the lead. I am a big old-fashioned girl mixed with a strong independent woman. I get it but..how would you feel if the only time you got to see your significant other is when you asked. I would not feel good about it. Take turns..that’s all I got to say about that.
  • Making a man make ALL the first moves. Who says you can’t kiss first? Who says you have to? The key here is there are no rules.

I know there are many more examples I could give but I just wanted everyone to catch my drift.  My moral for the day? Ladies: If you are always getting the same results..try something different. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Follow that sage advice that we were most likely taught as children: Do unto others as you would have done to yourself..or something like that. I have no breeding but you know what I mean!  Stop with the attitude that I am pretty and a man should do all the work. You ARE beautiful and deserve the best. Set your boundaries, and be picky as hell on who you decide to invest in but treat the worthy man as you want to be treated.  This advice is only for women who can relate. Break the vicious circle by behaving differently. Do it for science.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

August 12, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized, Women Advice | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment