Aint No Future in Your Fronting

Only some of you will catch what that title means. Sorry for the slang.   We all know someone like this. “I drive a Mercedes baby but it’s in the shop.” Or how about the woman who spends every penny she has on labels so she can keep up with a certain “status?” Where I am from, we call that hood rich. In fact, this problem has increased significantly by the invention of online dating. Someone can be whatever they want to be online. If you’ve ever dated online, you know what I mean.

For example, a woman may claim to look like this: 

when she really looks like this:  

 

There is no issue with how either of these lovely ladies look. HOWEVER….you gotta expect a man to be shocked when he meets you!

Now I have seen a man who claimed to look like this: 

When he really looked like this: 

Just kidding. I would never date ANY man who had a picture of himself with his shirt off on his profile. I don’t really care what you look like. It screams douche…but I digress because I’ve written about that topic many, many times. However, you get the point. Looks are not the only thing a person can front or…pretend about. How about age, money, job status or living with their gosh darn parents at 40. None of these things are deal breakers to all people…but lying is.

My moral here is simple: BE YOURSELF!!!! Someone will always find out. If you are not confident enough in who you REALLY are then you are not ready to date and find a REAL relationship. That’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time…..here’s a song that reminds me of this topic….Ciao!

 

 

 

Beautiful Surprises

We all judge people. You know what I mean…you may see a biker dude covered in tat’s and you instantly form an opinion. Or perhaps someone runs across an urban teen dressed in hip hop gear. Most people also instantly make a judgement. I am not saying this is right and I am not even saying this is you. Perhaps you understand that urban teen is only expressing himself and probably isn’t in a gang or living the thug life. Perhaps you see a very well-to-do person and form an opinion of them? My point is that most of us make prejudgments based on appearances. Do you know what I love? I love the one thing that makes humans so wonderfully unique! The little surprises!

I recently bought an ottoman. I happen to drive a small two door coupe. As I was struggling to put the piece of furniture in my backseat (which was not an easy task..let me tell you!) a man approached me. He was covered in tattoos from head to foot and had one of those really long beards. He was dressed in tattered clothing and a leather vest.  Yes I made a judgement. However, I listened to him as he said, “You may want to put that in legs first.” As I was turning the ottoman around his phone rang. The ringer played a song of some death metal band but he answered and said, “Hi honey, I forgot to get your tampons so I am stopping at Target and I promise I will be right home after. I love you.” (Yes I smiled to myself but not because he was buying tampons for his woman. I smiled because he was a beautiful surprise. Once he got off the phone, he helped me fit the ottoman into my disgustingly small backseat and I was on my way. I smiled all the way home.

Six months ago my old car broke down. Luckily, I had a close friend who recommended  a mobile mechanic. The guy pulled up two hours late reeking of cigarette smoke. He was older with scummy jeans, a dirty baseball hat and the layer of oil that most mechanics can’t seem to get out of their nail beds. After he looked at the car, he told me we needed to go to the auto store to buy a specific part that needed replaced. Obviously I had to drive with him in his car. We get into his 1980 something car that literally has no interior panels, no passenger door handle and the floor is covered with trash. (I am worried that I may need a tetanus shot! Yipes!) The mechanic turns on the radio and I expected to hear some hillbilly tunes but to my delight AND surprise he is blaring….classical music. He quoted the composer! I was humbled by this experience because I never would have seen that coming.

Today’s moral: We live in a society that always seems to highlight the bad things and evil deeds people do. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the predictable patterns of life and our own past experiences that we forget what makes our species so very remarkable. We are all different and we are all capable of remarkable things. So yeah..um..what does that mean??? It means remember to not judge a book by its cover. We are all so very unique and people are not always what they seem. Keep your eyes open for the beautiful surprises.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

7 Things You Don’t Tell Your Significant Other

Has your S.O. (psst: That’s short for Significant Other) ever opened his/her mouth and you wished you could shove a sock in it? Or even worse…..Have you ever watched the expression on your loved one’s face shatter as you cram your entire foot in your mouth? Then, once you said something incredibly insensitive, you just kept digging the hole deeper? I have. If you have never said something stupid you must be one of those perfect people and you really should teach…cuz I know LOTS of people who need the lessons (like um me.) Unfortunately,  I do not know of this perfect person…so…I wrote a list!

1. Do not tell your S.O that you are very attracted to a certain “type” of person that does not match them. (It just isn’t a good idea people. You’ve instantly made someone insecure about his/her desirability ((I have no idea if that’s even a word yo..but I checked and it is!))
2. Do not tell your S.O that you can’t see them anymore because your ex called you back. (Look some things need to be left out.  Things like that can be very damaging to the ego and NO I have not been told that but I’ve witnessed it.)
3. Never EVER tell your S.O they look fat (I am especially giving this advice to the men. Even confident women might have to work on getting over that)
4. Never EVVVVVVERRRRRR talk about the pleasurable sex life you had with your ex. (Some things are OFF limits. Why in the world would that even be mentioned? It’s really simple…stay focused on complimenting the sex life you currently have before it becomes your past as well. Derr)
5. Do not tell your S.O that you want to be married some day but not to them. (Even if it’s the truth..leave it out. It’s hurtful and I am guilty…although it was the truth.)
6. Do not attack your S.O’s moral character. (DISCLAIMER: If you are on your way out the door forever..perhaps a little truth-telling might be good. However, if you are planning on working it out, please remember this is the kind of stuff that sticks with a person.)
7. Do not call names. (It’s just not cool. I used to do this in the early stages of my marriage. Although many of the names were true, it’s not nice or productive. I’ve also been on the receiving end of some of the vilest names you can call a woman..by someone who claimed to love me. It hurts.)

Today’s Advice: Words hurt. People like to say sticks and stones may break my bones…blah blah blah. The truth is that most damage is caused by what we say out of spite or stupidity. If you love your S.O. focus on building them up. (post on that coming.) Think through what you are saying. Please trust me on this..focus on the good. It says that in the bible you know. (I’m not trying to get preachy but…) It’s the truth.  Also, if your S.O. messes up forgive him/her if it was unintentional. (I personally stay away from people who say mean things from spite.) If it was stupid…forgive. Writing this out helped me remember that too. Even if you are not Christian, my favorite book in the bible has a lot of valuable lessons on love. I will leave you with my favorite.

1 Corinthians 13:4-12

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

 

FEAR

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

When Do You Know?

A close friend asked me, “Sara, when do I know I am over my ex?” I think the answer is to look at your actions.

• Are you looking at his/her online profile on a frequent basis? (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) If you are looking at them more than you care to admit, you are probably still healing and not moved on.
• Are you looking at old photographs? This one is kinda obvious. If you feel the need to pull out old photos, you are probably not over your ex. (pst: if you have kids with the person and you keep them for your kids, it’s different. However, if you are pulling them out just to look at the person…well I don’t think you’re over it.)
• Do you still keep mementos? (old cards, letters. etc.) When you are really over something, you can let go of that stuff. I dare say it is good for you.
• Do you visit places you used to see him/her at in the hopes of seeing the person? ( I have never done this but I have heard of people doing it.)
• Do you think about your ex frequently?
• Do you find yourself jumping at the chance to see him/her? This is a BIG one.
• Have you found yourself thinking about a random reason to reach out to him/her in the hopes of starting a dialogue? Hey..we’ve all done it. It just means you are not over it.

Today’s Moral:If you are suffering from these symptoms, it does not make you a weak person. This just means you are probably not over your last relationship. Just like the grief process, it takes as long as it takes. I only caution you not to start a NEW relationship until you are ready. It is better for you and better for the next amazing person you find in your life.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Oh! And remember to never ever do this:

Needing Love

One of the sweetest women I have ever known in my entire life killed herself recently.  She was bubbly, friendly and no one saw it coming. What no one realized is how miserable she was. My dear friend always desperately wanted acceptance and the love of a man.  As a result, she didn’t always qualify the men or have great standards.  Men did not treat her the way she deserved. How anyone could not see the beauty that resided in her soul and cherish it is beyond me. That woman exhibited pure joy since she was 9.  She left behind four children.

This inspired me to contemplate what it means to need love. Actually, to need love so badly that you would die over it. (yeah..I’m going all deep tonight but it’s my blog yo.) As a little girl, I dreamed of a husband and lots of kids and growing old with someone.  Truth be told, I jumped right at it by marrying my high school sweetheart. Somewhere into the third year of my 13 year marriage, I realized that the idea of that is silly. Marriage is compromise. Marriage is hard work. Sometimes, that love is not reciprocated. I actually resigned myself into pretending and while I loved that man until the day he died, I was not in love with him for a good ten years of my marriage. I still had a family unit and if I worked hard enough, was responsible enough and strong enough…it would all work out. Okay…epic fail there. I blew that one big time. Why do I even bring it up?

I mention it because I didn’t get my dream either. I refuse to dwell on its absence. I really really wanted that damn simple dream of a family that I had as a little girl it but heck..I can’t change that. I will not spend my life upset over it when I have so much to be grateful for. All my friend wanted was a level of commitment and love and she just went miserable when she couldn’t find it. The absence of that was a constant pressure in her life.  You must accept who and where you are in life regardless of where you wish you were. That’s hard advice to follow…but I try.

Moral: I have several tonight.

1. I think the key is choosing to be happy with what you have. Not yearning for what you don’t have. I think dwelling on the absence of love/money/marriage/whatever in your life leads to bitterness.

2. Love can’t fix you. The void has to be filled before anything healthy can enter your life. I can’t stress that enough. Work on being the best you possible and then love will come.

3. Please do not seek a permanent solution to a temporary situation. There is nothing in life that is so horribly permanent that you should choose death. EVERYTHING is temporary. When I look back at every dark spot in my life, it has always passed. Life is beautiful and tragic at the same time with points of brilliant light and bleak darkness intertwined throughout. Some days just focus on breathing and other days we will remember why life is such a precious gift. The clock is still running. Stay in the game…please.

RIP my sweet childhood friend.

Until Next Time…Ciao

Worst Break Up Ever…

A couple dated for about 8 months. While they dated, he took her to his  favorite hangout-a karaoke bar. She met all his friends and hung out at this spot every weekend. She did not sing but she went with the guy she was dating. Unfortunately, no one really liked the girl. In fact, they called her bitch face (not nice and I am NOT endorsing that behavior…but I did include it cuz it was funny and she was a snooty mcsnooterton.) However, the guy liked her so the friends accepted her. She even made a few semi-friendships. As time passed the guy decided he wanted to break up with her.

He called her on the phone and asked if they could meet up to talk. The girl, (whom I think may have suspected the nature of the intended conversation) refused to meet up. Eventually, the guy was forced to break up via text. That Friday he went to his normal hangout with his friends and……

The girl was there. The REAL awkward moment was when homegirl (that’s her name now) realized the guy was dating one of his female friends. Homegirl felt betrayed and YES I agree that it was a little soon BUT it is a free country right? So she sat across from him the entire night and……

Homegirl went to that bar every weekend thereafter. Initially, she was earning sympathy with some of the patrons of this bar. However, she kept going on an on about the guy every night. Every.single.weekend. People grew tired of it, but there were a couple of people who still listened. Mainly they were older men who wanted a chance to console a hot, youngish blonde. As weeks turned into months and she kept complaining and complaining about the situation and how he cheated on her with his female friend and how this female friend was supposed to be homegirl’s friend too….well you can imagine how people grew frustrated.  The final event was when homegirl called the new girlfriend a slut. The new girlfriend snapped! Then the new girlfriend threw a beer bottle at her and now…..THERE’S A GIRL FIGHT!!! (I’m way bummed I missed that shiznit cuz girl fights are the best to watch…but such is life yo.) Both girls errr women (they are in their mid-thirties) were asked to leave and not come back.  At this point it has been three months since homegirl and dude’s breakup.

What is todays Moral:

Ladies: Why in the world did she keep coming back? Show some gosh darn dignity.  She had no right to infringe upon his friends by continuing to hang around after the break up. If I broke up with someone, I would not even dream of pushing myself at HIS friends. I would not be mean to his friends but I certainly would respect his previous friendships. The only thing this woman managed to do was make a fool of herself. Please don’t do that. Keep you head up high! Recognize the fact that you are a strong and wonderful woman. There will be a new man who recognizes that..I promise. AND no fist fighting over men. You might get more than you bargain for.

Men: Watch out for crazies. I’ve warned you before. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and when you add a little nutso into the mix…KA BOOM! Be careful.

Until Next Time, here’s a song…Ciao!

Try Something Different

I watch my friends repeat themselves all the time. Um yes…I make mistakes all the time. However, it’s easier to see a problem from the outside. It just is. (Now that we’ve cleared that up, I will continue.) I observe my friends falling for the same type of person over and over and over and…the relationships fail. I am going to use case studies.

I have a male friend that only dates party girls. Yes, over time the women have gotten a little less stripper and perhaps a little more barfly. Maybe that’s not even being fair..but definitely not a “good girl.” (I am not dogging out my wild sisters…I love you guys and I am often amazed at the ability to be so carefree.) However, my friend wants a family. He feels his male clock is ticking at 36. (SIDE NOTE: Neither men nor women should feel rushed to settle. There are plenty of people who start families later in life.) Back to the point! The women he gravitates toward are pretty in a harder way and usually like to party and usually date a LOT of different men. Do you see where I am going with this? These women DO NOT want a family or a husband. Well…not usually. So what happens? He ends up getting hurt and then he is just so shocked by it, he falls into a slump. All I can think of is that old fable about the woman who saved a snake…then the snake bites her. The snake replies with, “You knew I was a snake when you saved me.”

I know a woman in a similar boat. She always dates douche bags. The type of men that purposely treat her poorly then disappear for a while. (I know you know the type of man I am talking about.) Then they end up breaking up with her or cheating and she comes running to me in tears. Why is she always dating jerks? The last one I spotted within thirty minutes of meeting him by the way he was checking out every girl he saw…while she was with him. Poor thing doesn’t want to listen and I only offer solicited advice. I try to not mettle in others affairs. Do you see how this pattern of repetitively choosing the same type of guy is NOT working? I wish she did.

Moral for today: Can I be blunt? Of course I can! This is my blog! The truth is…you can’t ALWAYS do the same thing over and over and expect different results. If you are getting the SAME type of problems OVER and OVER again…try looking for common denominators. Is it you? Is it the type of person you are dating? Is it both? I don’t know…but as I’ve said before..If you want a different result, you have to DO different things. It’s really logical if you think about it. Look for patterns and change them. If this is something you can relate to, try it! Do it for science. Albert Einstein coined it well when he said:

 

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Loss and Grief

June 15, 2012 changed my life. That was the day I had to look my children in the eyes and tell them they will never see their father again. That was the day I began to carry a burden that almost crushed me. That was the day I realized-I mean really realized-that life was terribly short. One moment in time can change your whole life. I can’t explain how that feels. I can’t explain how it feels to break your own children’s hearts. I can’t explain what it’s like to be left holding everyone together and to not have one moment to breakdown yourself or anyone to listen…to have to be strong and to be helpless at the same time. I hope you never know.

A dear friend told me today that she doesn’t understand how I managed it. She proceeded to say she doesn’t know how I still handle it. I let her know I sometimes still get shocked by it but that I do not dwell on it. In fact, every day gets a little easier and acceptance continues to sink in.  Ironically, the SAME day the women in my office were talking about a father/son event. One of my employees innocently said, “I don’t know how you handle it. Fathers are so important to sons. They must miss him a lot.” I think it’s funny how something said with such innocence can bring back all the panic that helplessness always manages to bring out in me. I kinda shrugged it off and went to the bathroom where I cried a little. (This is a good girls guide so I have to be honest.) However, I can’t stand it when women turn on the waterworks all the time. I try soooo hard to not cry. It seems like the tears fall so easily over the last couple of years.  I try to do it in private.

However, each day really is better. Each moment is just a little bit easier. I have begun to enjoy the small things again and to look forward to a bright future. I have found a vulnerability in myself that enables me to love life and people in such a different way than before he died. I am stronger. Loss and grief are bad….but they are not the end of the world.  My children will heal. I am breathing again. I am happy again.

Moral???? The moral isn’t poor me or poor you or even my poor kids. The moral is that grief is a process. I realized today that it’s the journey that matters. My sons are good. They are strong. They still laugh. My mother in law is surviving and trying to heal. Most of us in this world are just trying to make our way through it. When life seems to be at its darkest, I encourage you to remember the clock is still ticking. Life doesn’t stop. You can stumble and you can cry but we all need to move on. You can heal and thrive or you can wallow in the loss. The choice is up to you. Please try to make it a good choice.

Until Next Time here’s a song I can relate to…Ciao!

 

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Someone slap me! Okay not so hard! (It was a figure of speech..geesh) Seriously, I have major issues. I am at the point in my relationship where I am scared to death. I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I am waiting for him to let me down and majorly disappoint me.I am deeply in love, vulnerable, happy and I am waiting for the hurt. What in the world happened to me?

I used to be so fearless. I used to be so confident. I never thought about the rejection. I never thought about the let down. I am seriously scared. I can’t even begin to work through it. If someone wrote this as a question to me, my advice would be so easy. I would advise the person to be honest about his/her feelings. The problem is that the person I am in love with sucks at communicating. I find it very ironic that I FINALLY understand myself well enough to communicate my feelings and I am with someone who can’t. Well…I am with someone who can’t communicate them well. In an effort to be fair, he probably isn’t scared though…I am. He isn’t the one with all the insecurity. I am not insecure as a woman. I am insecure about anyone really loving me enough to make me a lifelong priority. A real commitment. The real deal…ya know? Damn, I am such a loser. What happened?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. To be honest, if I had realized the emotional shape I was in, I would have never fallen in love again. I don’t think I can take another major loss in my life. Ummm…I don’t think I can take it well. I am a freaking punk! However, it’s too late. The little girl who still believes in happy endings just CAN’T run away from someone she loves. I have never been able to. It always takes a near destruction to get me to turn away from someone I am in love with. Although I am scared, there is still a part of me that wants that happy ending. A normal, simple life of partnership with someone I totally trust. (When I say trust, I am not referring to something as obvious as cheating…I mean a deeper trust of unconditional love.) So I’ve been feeling silly. I’ve been looking for any sign that it’s not going to work out. I’ve been searching for a reason that tells me it’s time to walk away before I am rejected.  About a week ago something just snapped in me. I decided am tired of worrying about it. I am tired of worrying if someone is going to end up not being who I thought they were. I felt much better once I made that decision. Then I spent all this quality time this week with him..much more than normal and I started being scared again. I don’t want to need anyone or to get used to someone being around…that might hurt me again.  Geez Louise..I’m a nut. I’m a nut with issues who’s also a punk. Yeah…that sums it up. I wish I could talk to him about it. Boy howdy, I swear if I realized my issues before falling in love, I would not have subjected anyone else to them. Especially someone as special as the man I am seeing.

Moral: I just really had to get this out. I discover many things by answering the emails that come to me looking for advice such as:

1. It’s easier to give advice than follow it

2. We all have the same basic needs and desires.

3. Most people want to be loved and to be happy.

If I help someone by sharing…rock on! I know it helps me to confess my stupidity. At the minimum its therapeutic. I am going to have to defer to GOD on this one. I am placing my trust in him. He knows what I need. Change is a very slow process my friends. Do not expect to fix all of your issues overnight. It is slow and it is painful. Real change occurs by stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing forward. Real change is created by doing different things than you normally would. Change be hard yo…

Until Next Time…Ciao!