Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Don’t Borrow Trouble – 5 things Women Do that Blow a Relationship!

My Grandmother was an amazing woman with great phrases. One of her most common was “Don’t borrow trouble.” I never understood that until I became a grown up. It is probably the best advice ever. Why should we worry about things that have yet to happen? I constantly see women doing this. (Maybe men do too but I’m not a member of that particular club.) I think a lot – not all – but a lot of women over-analyze things and make small issues or dare I even say non-issues a big deal. Why? Because we’re borrowing trouble-derr. I like to be useful..it’s kinda in my nature.  So on that note, I’ve created a list of what we should NOT do to borrow trouble while in a relationship.

  1. Fish around your new boyfriends Facebook page. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, heck we’ve all done it! I DO NOT do it NO MORE. I will tell you why. Suppose you see someone comments on his pictures all the time (by someone I mean another female)…who is this woman? is she cuter than me? Then you go to her page and on and on and on. The truth is she may just be his best friends sister or his Dental Hygienist  I mean you don’t know and now you’ve created doubt in your mind. What for? You my friend just borrowed trouble.
  2. If you met him online DO NOT look up his online profile once you start dating exclusively. I used to do this. It is dangerous. First of all, you look it up and then you see he logged on yesterday. WTF? Now you’re mad but…maybe he went on to see if YOU logged on. Now he checked again and sees that you have logged on and the vicious circle begins. No one wants to admit they did it so it’s like this big online dating elephant in the room. 2008-11-03-Elephant-In-The-RoomThe last guy I dated online for more than three dates did this and I FLEW off the handle. By this I mean I dumped him. I don’t care because he was not the one for me but it was awfully stupid and dramatic. I feel stupid just admitting it but change is all about facing your flaws! So I can honestly say I have been dating the same man for a little while now and I have not once looked him up. I have been tempted but here’s the thing: If he is going to stop seeing me for someone else it wasn’t meant to be. If he is dating multiple women, I will know it. It is very easy to tell when you do not have a man’s full attention. If I lose his attention then he wasn’t right for me and I will move on. (after I curse him out and TP his car..but that’s another story. hee hee I’m kidding..really I am.) I mean what do I care if he logs on? I am not logging on and that’s all that matters. Click here to see my rules..remember?
  3. Ask for too many details on former girlfriends. Oh now you did it girl! Now you just discovered that his ex was a former gymnast and model who currently plays the body double for Angelina Jolie. Did you just borrow some trouble? … mmmhmm you did … Why would we do that? I am interested in my man’s past but I don’t need to know his exes bra cup size any more than he needs to know my exes penis size. (OHHHH SNAP! Goodie Sara went there.) It’s the truth and I calls it likes I sees it.
  4. Don’t push the guy you are dating for a label or to define the relationship. Yes at some point “the talk” needs to happen. However, if we are all grown ups, why do you need to know if he is your “boyfriend” or not. In fact, I feel kinda dumb even saying I have a boyfriend at 33. It sounds so juvenile. (I’ve never pushed for a title but I really don’t have as much experience dating as other women my age. I can tell you I never will. I don’t serial date or play games “if you are a woman getting played-you gotta click https://howtodateinlv.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/its-not-playing-its-dating-practical-dating-advice/ and read this-it will help” and I LOVE the freedom of that!) I will say I’ve seen my friends do it and it will slowly drive them crazy.  Why? Cuz they are borrowing trouble dude.
  5. In addition to number 4, you should never push your man for a commitment. The man I married didn’t need pushing..course that was a disaster but it’s besides the point. I am guilty of this. I am guilty of thinking if a man says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me it means he wants to marry me. It may mean he wants the status quo. I will NEVER push or inquire about marriage again. (Um no I didn’t ask him to marry me but I kept bringing it up. ) The results I got were not positive. Here is my suggestion to that: At the onset of a relationship, the discussion of what you want long-term usually comes up and I recommend……honesty! Then there are no mixed feelings later. If you change your mind down the road, you may need to be prepared for the relationship to be over. Do not do what I did. I tried pushing, I tried guilting, I tried all kinds of stuff. Then I realized I didn’t even want to marry him. Why in the world would I ever want to marry someone who didn’t ask me out of desire to spend his life with me? If a man wants you, he will make it known. Ooops..lesson learned. Try to learn from my mistake. I will not repeat that one.

As a bonus..definitely don’t ever do this!

crazy-women-bizarre-21

Guess I’ve made my point! My moral for the day? Ladies, let’s not borrow trouble. I know it’s hard but instead of letting your suspicious or analytical mind go crazy, try looking at the man’s actions. Are you getting the attention you need? Is he distracted? I promise you, men aren’t very complicated. (I love men-I’m not hating) When they care, you will know. Until next time…Ciao!

April 26, 2013 Posted by | Women Advice | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WordPress Family Award…Awe: I love you guys too!

wordpress-family-awardI am so very flattered that I was nominated for the Family Award. It doesn’t matter what someone may think or not think about these awards. I am always honored that ANYONE reads my stuff. In addition to reading it, every once in a while, someone really likes what I have to say enough to nominate me. All I really wanted to do when I started this blog is help others through my blunders. I think I am doing that! Maybe not on a huge scale, but I have had some serious talks with a couple of people and I really think I have helped their outlook on dating. The fact that I no longer worry about players or dating drama proves my theory and now that I am dating a great guy (um no I’m not on my way to the alter-that would deserve an entire post not a side note geesh) just adds to the credibility of my philosophy. BUT back to the topic at hand. I found very early on that reading other people’s thoughts, opinions, and experiences was infinitely more rewarding than writing. GO figure right? I started by connecting with single people like me and then I expanded. There are so many beautiful writers on WordPress..especially Clark Kent..who constantly challenges me to not run from pain but to embrace it and let love shine through instead.  Through his encouragement and my STRONG desire to not repeat past mistakes, I am breaking my normal patterns and becoming a better person. I thank you for taking an interest in what little ole me even has to say and I SUPER thank you for nominating me!  (OK I just WAAAAY exceeded my mushy limit but I mean what I wrote too.) Life really is a trip and I never thought in a million years I would be where I am right now; but my heart tells me I’m exactly where I need to be. I’ve stepped away from my usual behavior, I’m scared, I’m clueless, and I’m just trying not to be as stupid as I used to be….so there.

So..Here’s Da Rulz:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people who have taken you as  a friend, and spread the love

My nominees are as follows:

1. Confessions of an Online Dater – Yes I’ve nominated her before but this is the WordPress Family Award. I feel like I know her and I cheer for her new relationship-lol!

2. New Single Guy – Same story (except he’s NOT a she)…PLUS we have a couple of things in common like hometown and that whole”I married my high school sweetheart” thing.

3. Chronicles of the Romantically Challenged – Man if there is one person who has had WORSE dating experiences than me its her. (Your day is coming..I know it!) She’s funny, she’s real, and from her posts she has great taste in shoes!

4. Memoirs of a Mom Who Ticks – She is a better writer than me by far and 99.9% of her posts make me smile. (I didn’t like it when you dissed Mumford and Sons) but other than that you’re cool people!

5. ddeashion – This is one of the first people I started following. I love hip hop and his ideas on fashion and news. 

6. Diary of an Aspiring – What an inspiration. Keep up the great writing.

7. Simple Tom – I don’t think there is anything simple about you.

8. Fashion for Lunch – Need I say more?

9. The DAFT Diaries – This is one awesome woman! Creative and witty..I love her style.

10. Harsh Reality – Yep he sure does call it like he see’s it! This is one opinionated man! I respect anyone who speaks their mind.

 

April 23, 2013 Posted by | Blogging Awards, Uncategorized | , , , , | 2 Comments

What I’ve Learned While Being Single

I read somewhere once that you discover who you really are while being single. I think that makes a lot of sense. You see when you have never really been alone, you do not really have a way to truly gauge what you prefer as an individual. Once this is defined (in my humble opinion) you have a much better chance of creating a long-term relationship that lasts. So…I’ve been thinking about this lately.

I have lived alone almost three years now. Prior to that I had never lived alone. I moved out during my senior year of high school (grateful to escape) with my high school sweetheart and never looked back. Then after lots of broken promises and painful experiences, I decided to choose happiness. I chose to be alone and rebuild myself in the hopes of finding a REAL partnership down the road.  At first, I was scared. (Not scared of paying bills but scared of every sound outside the house and every noise the house made.) Then….I loved it! I mean I can dance until 10:30pm at night, use both sinks in the bathroom, and all of the closet space is mine! Now enough time has passed that I am adjusted. So what have I discovered about myself?

  • I do not like living alone. I do not NEED a MAN, but I don’t like being alone all the time. I would give up the closet space for the right person (right person..not just anyone.)
  • I crave intimacy more than sex (yeah I said sex dude.) I really never knew that about myself.
  • I have a strong inner child. I let her out all the time. (I play laser tag and roll down grassy hills while my kids laugh.) I forgot about that while married because my spouse was always trying to control me.
  • I am capable of learning to fix things. I am capable.
  • I still REFUSE to kill a bug. Oh and I run screaming from then like a sissy la la (yeah guess I am not that capable.)
  • Although for my age my number of partners is very small, I am a highly sensual woman. I never knew that while married. (um not because of marriage itself but because I was in a bad one…for the record.) 

I think the biggest thing I discovered about myself is that I do not like being alone. I am not ashamed to admit it. I would like to qualify that with the fact I did not run out and settle for just any guy. I think I’ve set some boundaries and stuck by them. Hence, I am still living alone. I never thought I would be the type of woman to feel that way. I am so strong and independent by nature. I really want someone to talk to at night and someone to hug me when I had a hard day at work. Geesh…it’s like I turned into a pansy. Ah well…be true to oneself I always say. So what’s my lesson? (yeah there is one) If you are jumping from one relationship to another, you may need a break. Sometimes the best way to discover what you really need is through solitude. A man/woman doesn’t define you..he/she is supposed to compliment you. We need to know who we are first in order to find something meaningful with someone else.

Until next time….ciao!

April 21, 2013 Posted by | Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

This is the Part Where I Run

RUNThis is the part where I run!  Once I became single and clueless, I diligently put my single track mind to work. I spent time and research to get comfortable with dating and then attempted to master it. Then somewhere along the way I realized how stupid that was. (no offense to anybody who loves dating.) I do not love it. I have a very hard time with warming up to a stranger in a romantic way…Actually I’m not being honest. I have a hard time with intimacy. I need to feel comfortable around someone..then I am all about affection. BUT I am straying again. (you gotta watch me..I do go on an on) As I was saying,  I realized that I don’t care about being a super dater. I just want to avoid players and punks. I went through a whole bunch of assholes jerks as I put my dating theory to work.Then I met someone.

I met someone I really like. I met someone I think of more than I should. I met someone who I think feels the same way. THEN I realized I’m scared. It never occurred to me until recently that I am not ready to get hurt again. Rejected yes (that hurts too)…Although I have been going through a series of rejections since I started dating. (um no comments cuz that shiznit hurts my pride.) I still have some confidence in me. A broken heart is something different. You see, I realize that I may have a broken heart again. I just don’t think I can handle another one right now.

I had my entire world collapse on me less was than a year ago and the one person I truly thought I could count on turned out to not be for real. To give an analogy it was like being kicked in the diaphragm and then kicked in the head when I fell. First I lost all my breath and dropped to the ground and then I was knocked the heck out. So I cried, and I prayed, and because I am one tough chic, I picked myself up. My bad dreams faded, the panic over the added responsibility has passed, and I have found a way to forgive the person who abandoned me the one time I ever really needed to lean on someone as an adult. That last part was important. Forgiveness is a part of healing as well as moving on. (just in case you didn’t know.) I HAVE to tell everyone this because it’s a BIG part of what I just discovered about myself. Once I realized I don’t want to be hurt right now..not the devastating broken heart kind of hurt…I planned on running. push away

Running probably isn’t the best description…I planned on pushing him away. How? Easy…I wall myself off and become the ice queen. You know bullet proof. It’s how I survived my childhood. I never lashed out, I walled up. But……I’m lonely. I crave real companionship. What would it mean if I did that? It would mean I would take myself right back to the dating field. It would mean living and operating in fear. It would mean I am a punk. I am not a punk. So I didn’t push and I didn’t run. I’m not going to play games and I’m not going to be stupid…err I’m not going to be more stupid.  I’m here in very uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory. I am not going to live in fear and I am not going to project past failures onto a new relationship. I am going to let go and let GOD decide. I am going to trust. (This is a good girls guide to dating in sin city…so I’m gonna stay faithful.) It may work out and it may not but I am not going to let fear of failure dictate my actions. Regardless of my relationship future with this specific man, I am going to give it a fair chance because…..

fear

So my moral for today?? Do not let fear or past failures ruin your future. Treat each new relationship as a brand new opportunity to find something special….because it is. Oh and spiders are scary.

Until next time.. Ciao!

April 9, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Get Lost: Tips and Statistics For Victims of Stalkers

Dating is hard…derr right? Just when I think I have some stuff under control, I now know a guy who…….is kinda stalking me. Why do you ask? Well..he has called me from anonymous numbers and stating things like he just saw me at the store, am I going to Taekwondo, mentioning what street I live on (when he never went to my house or received my address from me), and making mention of things he saw on my Facebook page. The final straw occurred when he called my work. This is not my first time being a victim of this type of crime.

The first happened when I was a teenager and it was infinitely more intense (and physically painful) than this recent experience. It occurred when an older man who was near my high school lied to me about his age to get me to talk to him. Long story short, once I figured out his real age I immediately stopped talking to him. He went ballistic. He actually physically attacked one of my dear friends and made several attempts to hurt me. I filed and received a restraining order. This did not prevent him from watching and tormenting me. He was finally stopped and charged with attacking a minor (yours truly) and this resulted in him backing off. There is more to both stories but that’s besides the point. My intentions are not to share all of that. The objective is to share what I discovered about stalking and to hopefully help someone who may face this issue.

Unfortunately, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, this is a very common crime. (Obviously..if it happened to me twice, I think that’s pretty obvious.) Below is a summary of the findings for 2012.

  • During a 12-month period an estimated 14 in every 1,000 persons age 18 or older were victims of stalking
  • About half (46%) of stalking victims experienced at least one unwanted contact per week, and 11% of victims said they had been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • The risk of stalking victimization was highest for individuals who were divorced or separated—34 per 1,000 individuals.
  • Women were at greater risk than men for stalking victimization; however, women and men were equally likely to experience harassment.
  • Male (37%) and female (41%) stalking victimizations were equally likely to be reported to the police.
  • Approximately 1 in 4 stalking victims reported some form of cyber stalking such as e-mail (83%) or instant messaging (35%).
  • 46% of stalking victims felt fear of not knowing what would happen next.
  • Nearly 3 in 4 stalking victims knew their offender in some capacity.
  • More than half of stalking victims lost 5 or more days from work.

So those are statistics and they’re kinda eye-opening. The real question is how to manage it or even prevent stalking. I am usually the most optimistic person I know but I have not been able to find a way to prevent this type of behavior. So I can’t advise on prevention. Also, until violence happens the police really do have their hands tied. I can try to offer some basic ideas towards punishing the stalker.

  • Be sure you know as much information as possible about the stalker. The police will need as many specific facts as possible.
  • If you are truly concerned, file a retraining order as soon as possible.
  • Always err on the side of caution when faced with this type of situation. Many victims become victims of escalated crime because they do not speak up soon enough.
  • Document every incident that happens (trust me that one is important.)

I will personally chalk this up to a close call. Seems like there have been a lot of them in my short dating career.  I am not complaining-it is better to learn a lesson through an “almost happened” than the hard way. I have received an earful of advice and criticism on dating. What can I do? I am not serial dating anymore (I get why that’s dangerous amongst other things-I really do.) However, if I never date anyone, how will I not be a crazy cat lady some day???  I don’t want to date..I kinda can’t stand it but there is absolutely no short cut to finding companionship.

What is my lesson? Ladies and Gentlemen: The dating world is more than a frustrating path of mind games. It is also dangerous. Be as safe as possible while choosing who to spend time with. 

Until next time…ciao!

Resources:

http://bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973

http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/stalking/arrests-prosecution.htm

http://crime.about.com/od/stalking/a/stalked_help.htm

April 8, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Safety, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Play By Your Own Rules

Anyone who follows my blog knows I do not believe dating is a game. Its not…period. Unless you’re dating a player..a player plays…I’ve written about it here. You see? The truth is it is real life and hopefully we are all grown ups. Yeah I know…most of us aren’t. That’s another topic though. My optimistic outlook or perhaps my lack of experience can be perceived as weak. This means I get picked on by some of my girlfriends.

I know their intentions are good. A lot of my friends either try to protect me from my naivety or encourage me to broaden my horizons. I know some of them think it is just nuts that I have not had more casual affairs or more affairs period. I am quite often shrugging off their good intentions. This happened early last week. However, before I go there, I need to back up.

I have been practicing what I preach. Every guy I’ve dated recently has been exclusive. They may not know it, but if it goes beyond the first date, I am not juggling. I promise you it is working. Perhaps I am not madly in love but….I am weeding through the players left and right. IT’S EFFIN GREAT!!!!! No More Games!!!! Me likey a lot!! So yes, when they disappear for days, I kick them to the curb. Would you like to know why? Cuz they’re playing…derr.

It’s broken down like this: the rules

  • Guy disappears for days…I kick him to the curb for running hot and cold (in a nice way..This is a Good Girls Guide.)
  • Guy wants to get to sexually aggressive with me in only 3 dates……NEXT.
  • Guy doesn’t take time to see me or speak with me or even ask a question…On to the next..

What I’ve been doing in return:

  • Dedicating my time to getting to know men as individuals…Not as a game or as a means to get out of the house.
  • Only dating one man at a time.
  • Really making an effort if I like the guy to let them know I am interested.

Is it the answer??

I don’t know. I can tell you that if you’re tired of players….don’t play by their rules. I feel good about it and I feel good about myself. I am no longer caught up in any of the BS involved with juggling dates. I am not worried if the guy I am seeing is juggling. (It becomes really obvious in less than two weeks.) Once I notice it…I just move on. It’s not like they owe me anything. However, I am being true to who I am and I am playing by MY OWN RULES! Not some wannabe playa playa from the Himalaya….(Yep I went there…) Oh and guess what???

I met someone who I really really like this way. I know if I had been up to my old serial dating ways like last year, I would never have really gotten to know him. (But I don’t want to jinx it…and I am not one to kiss and tell.) I bring him up because I need to tie in the getting picked on by my friends. Last week I broke off a date with a pretty nice, successful man. I don’t want to serial date. I like who I am choosing to spend time with. It may be something real…it may not. My friends started mad dogging me over breaking up…”You need to keep your options open.” “What happens if this doesn’t work out?” Um….It doesn’t matter is my point. My rules…my life. What happens if it doesn’t work out? Then I just start over. What have I lost? The point is if I can’t give him my full attention, I will never KNOW if it can work out. Derr…Why is that so hard for some people to understand? Dating doesn’t have to be a game……besides, my heart is certainly not something to play with.

Until next time….ciao!

 

April 3, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 7 Comments