Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Oh Snap! Reality Check!

I’ve been working on this post for two weeks! I was going to leave it in drafts to be honest but a good friend said something so profound to me that it brought tears to my eyes. I mean it almost made me cry..at work! It was like my second bitch slap of the month-from two different friends!

I can present myself any way I want on here.  I can even pretend that I’ve overcome all my baggage. The truth is I am pretty honest by nature. I usually wear my emotions right on my face. It’s a strength AND a weakness. I suck at poker. I have to focus very hard at work and in business to “rein” it in. I don’t play games with people because I CAN’T. I would never be able to pretend ANY emotion. I also see myself as honest with myself. I know I am annoying. I am like a BIG BALL of pure energy most times. I go and go and go and go. That can be annoying to people. I’m sorry if it annoys you. I pride myself on being independent and confident. BUT…Have you ever caught yourself lying to yourself? I recently did.

I am in a fairly new relationship. We have passed the “let’s court each other” phase and I can see that our true faces are showing. This phase of a relationship is hard. The initial infatuation is fading and something more solid is developing. Couples start fighting in this phase. Communication becomes very important. We have had a couple of fights. I don’t mind confrontation. I am okay with expressing myself. However, over the last couple of months I have been feeling needy.

At first I dismissed it as not getting enough quality time. (There may be some validity in that.) However, I am not used to feeling needy. I am not used to needing reassurance. I have not EVER needed it before. I did not even realize that this is why I am getting upset over certain things…until two weeks ago when I started this post. I was seeking advice and got the best advice ever. One of my dearest friends told me, “Sara, I see your point but I also see the problem. I don’t ever see you as needy but I think that is happening here. You have had two really bad experiences and you are uncertain about yourself. This is why you are needing to be reassured so much. It’s like you need the validation of him caring. You felt abandoned and you aren’t secure with any mans intentions. I know you’re not normally like this-because I know you so well-but he doesn’t. You took some pretty devastating blows over the last three years and I can see the scars. You’re sensitive right now because you were hurt but you need to just relax.”   She said more but oh SNAP did she call my number. I just realized why I’m feeling needy.  I am not worried about who he’s talking to, etc. I am not worried if he’s interested in me. I am seeking validation and I didn’t even realize it. WOW! I always thought I was my own form of validation. I have been lying to myself.  I am so happy to admit it.

Why am I happy to discover I am being needy? I am happy because I know the reason. Feeling an emotion and identifying its cause are two different things. If I’m going to make mistakes, I at least want to know what they are.  As I said earlier, I wasn’t going to finish this. I don’t want to come across as a Debbie Downer and I hope I’m not. I’M LEARNING! I’M GROWING! I’M STUPID..oops! heehee. I decided to write about it because that feeling is creeping up on me again. I don’t want to feel needy. I freaking can’t stand the feeling!  I decided to reach out to a friend that can relate to being alone and not liking it. He told me, “You loved someone for more than half of your life and he died. You loved one other person that you couldn’t count on. You are scared of getting too attached because you are scared of abandonment. Now some new man says he loves you. You’re worried he might abandon you too. This is why you suddenly need more security.” DANG DOG! As I said earlier, it brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to argue but I couldn’t. He spoke the truth. I think I can share a lesson with you.

What’s my moral? Do not lie to yourself. You are the first person you need to be honest to.  Personal growth doesn’t just come from reading books (although that certainly helps.) It comes from really looking at yourself and admitting what you see. Sometimes it takes facing it to learn to let go. I don’t know if I can let that fear go right now…but I’m trying and I’m praying. In the meantime, I can at least learn to hide it better.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

August 28, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Pride Leaves You Lonely

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. I’ve been busy living life. You know how it is..just a simple woman trying to not freak out in unfamiliar territory. However, I gotta share this email! This is another reader who is looking for advice that I can relate to. As usual, I got permission and made it anonymous as well as shorter-blah blah blah.

Dear Sara,

I am in a relationship with someone and I am getting mixed signals. Sometimes he calls me and reaches out to me frequently and sometimes he goes days with only random text messages. When I question him about it, he always throws it back that I didn’t call him either……He makes me feel like he goes days without thinking about me. I do call him but I don’t always want to be the one to initiate………What am I doing wrong? Or am I just wasting my time?

Sincerely,

Anonymous 

I had to cut out a lot of this email but the gist of it is that she feels like he only thinks of her when he’s bored or has nothing else to do. When she confronts him it becomes a pride issue for both parties. I can’t tell her or anyone else if you’re wasting time. I’m not you and I’m not him. I have to go with my gut feeling on this one. It seems like pride is in the way. I am going to wrap this little post up quickly with my advice.

Ladies: Do not allow any man to make you feel unimportant. If he doesn’t care enough to hear your voice or make a phone call…uh next please. However, don’t let pride get in the way of calling. It’s not a game, its real life. I think sometimes the issue happens because as women we are taught to let a man have space. It’s hard..I get it..I really do.

Men: When do you let your woman know you care? Before someone else does. Ha! I love that line! Seriously, why aren’t you making an effort? Is it because you think she’s playing a game. Do you know how hard it is to open up as a woman? I know for me, it’s very hard to let someone in. If you care about her, it’s quid quo pro yo! Give back to her and watch how much a good woman gives in return. Pride aint ever got nobody nuthin! (In proper grammar: Pride leaves you lonely.) A woman wants to know you care enough to keep in touch regularly. Derr.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

August 28, 2013 Posted by | Dating Advice, Mistakes, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What I Miss Most

So today was a tough day. My car broke today. I know that sounds shallow but it did kinda ruin my day. I still owe money on it, it’s the week before school starts (I planned on doing last-minute shopping tomorrow) and I am scheduled to travel for work on Friday. You see, I don’t know anything about cars. I am a complete girlie girl when it comes to fixing anything really. It sucks. I am smart. I always figured I could teach myself. However, I am just at a loss when it comes to this type of stuff.

Anyone who follows my blog knows my story. I was married my entire adult life. What does that mean? It means, I always spazzed out and panicked and my husband or even after the divorce…always fixed stuff. (yes he was terribly flawed and a mean drunk but he always stepped up when it came to calming me down and helping.) It means that when I panic now, I have no one to turn to. I am not alone. I have some pretty fantastic people in my life, but there is no one who is obligated to help me. Let me clarify, there is no one in my life I feel comfortable leaning on like that because there is no one in my life who would not be scared off by that type of obligation. This is not anyone’s fault it is just the truth. After sitting in my hot car and waiting on a ride to get coolant  that didn’t work,  and realizing I’m facing a bill I can’t afford, my youngest son asked me..again..if GOD could give his father a second chance and bring him back from heaven. I gently explained that I wish GOD could but it doesn’t work that way. This is when I decided to go sit on the pity pot.

Being married my entire life left me horribly handicapped and I HATE it. I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone and I hate feeling alone. I have at least 5 things in the house I need fixed, two sons that are missing their father terribly and a gosh darn headache from the weight of it all. I miss having someone that understands how I freak out and worry. If you haven’t always had someone in your life that was committed like that to you, this entire post is probably useless. My journey post divorce and death has been hard.

I am not husband hunting. If I was willing to marry for the sake of marrying, I would already be married. I have discovered so much about myself in the three years I’ve been single. I’ve been through the shock of solitude and then discovered the sheer joy of it only to realize I do not like it. I am not afraid to admit it anymore. (Of course you can’t exactly tell your awesome boyfriend that you prefer being married or that you miss it. Maybe I could, but I feel like the message would get lost in translation.  I am not sure I am articulate enough to ever communicate that without sounding like I’m pushing for marriage.) I have discovered that men can say they love you and not mean it. I have discovered that I can survive that because it doesn’t define me or prevent me from remaining genuine with my love. I have also discovered that I can love again and that it is a wonderfully new and unique type of love. I found an honesty and vulnerability within myself that is almost spiritual in nature.  I’ve never felt more raw or open with my feelings. The fact that I’m writing it here for anyone to read speaks volumes. I used to be so damn closed off. There is something to be said for being completely broken down and rebuilt. The outcome is the real me. A confused and scared me but the real me nonetheless.  For that I am grateful.

Why did I share? I shared because it felt good. Ha! Seriously it did, However, I think there is a moral in here somewhere. Moral: It is okay to be scared and it is okay to feel vulnerable. In fact, I venture to say the only way we really grow as people is to step out into the unknown. I did that…but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Guess what? That’s okay too. Like the motto of my church…it’s okay to not be okay.

If you can relate, hang in there peeps.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 21, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Were You Going to Settle?

I recently had a good friend call off his marriage engagement. The reasons were tragic and actually had nothing to do with either of them. However, it is a very black and white situation and there is no choice but for them but to break up. (I know he wouldn’t care if I described why the engagement ended but it is just too intense to share. I see no value it would bring my readers as far as relationships go.)  So he is sad but I honestly think he dodged a bullet.

The woman was not bad or evil or psycho. She was just not right for him. She did not communicate her feelings well, she didn’t meet his physical needs and she constantly compared him to her ex husband. I never sensed that he was REALLY happy but I reserve that judgement because I believe he loves her.  I can tell he is hurting. We were having a conversation earlier and he gave me one of the most honest replies I’ve ever heard.

Our conversation centered around what we are or are not willing to settle on as far as relationship needs. He told me, “I was going to settle then I had that option taken from me and had to cut bait.” I immediately responded with, “Why were you going to settle?” He answered with, “Because I didn’t want to start over.” First of all I love the fact that he is so honest with himself that he immediately knew the answer. It takes a special person to admit something like that. My only reply was, “I am too scared of being stuck in another horrible marriage to settle.” This really got me thinking.

How often do people settle for that reason? How often must it happen in a city like Las Vegas where you are lucky to find someone who isn’t crazy or on drugs or shallow or all of the above? I see the temptation….but why should we settle? What does settling mean? I think it means settling for less than what you deserve. The key here is to be sure you don’t feel “entitled” to unrealistic things.  It is really tragic that anyone feels compelled to settle for anyone “decent” in order to not be alone. I don’t want someone to settle for me. I dream of being with a man who feels blessed to have me in his life. I don’t want him thinking..”Well she aint perfect but this one will do.” The idea just breaks my heart.

What’s my advice: Do not settle for less than what you need. If you are in a relationship and too many instances of this occur…think hard about your future with that person. If no amount of mutual compromise will fix it…then it’s time to go. Ahhh but that is so easy to say-right? The real challenge comes when you actually love that person. Things will never be perfect but remember to not sell yourself short. You are fabulous even if you are alone!

Until next time…Ciao

August 14, 2013 Posted by | Las Vegas Tips, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Ladies..Don’t Do This!

I was speaking with a man the other day about dating. He said, “Men are expected to do all the courting and almost all the work. Men have to make the first moves while women get to choose from multiple men who deserves their attention.” I responded with, “Well women have to worry about being too interested, not interested enough. We worry about men thinking we are easy but at the same time we want them to know we are not a prude. It’s hard for some women to operate that way.” The conversation originated from the fact I do not believe in any of those things….but I’ve written about that before..click here if you are curious.  However, this conversation made me start thinking about a lot of the attractive, single women I know.  (I am not hating on what I am about to discuss.  I actually used to do this too. )

datinggame

I think this man had a point. I do think the stereotypical dating game is the man chases a woman while she determines who is worthy of her affection. I also think this leads to the man pursuing multiple women in order to “increase his odds.” The results are a vicious circle. The woman complains that she can’t find a good man when she is actually wasting time on men that are caught up in the game.  The man wants to find someone but knows he is one of many so he needs to keep lots of bait in the water. Some men don’t care. Some men started off innocent but lost their good intentions along the way. Kind of like a politician.***This really can be unintentional. It’s a vicious circle..remember? The vicious circle I’m referring to implies that no one knows where the fault began but ALL involved are creating it so round and round we go. Are you dizzy yet?***  I have a secret!

Print

The only way to STOP a vicious circle (I really can’t spell that word right-every single time I write it, I get the ugly red squiggly underline. Thank goodness for spell-check yo) As I was saying, the only way to stop the err..circle is to stop participating in it regardless of the outcome. STOP. It’s so stupid easy. You have to let go of the fact that someone else may be doing it. If he/she is, stop talking to them and move on…I promise you that the only way to change any pattern is to try a new one. So that’s my secret..but I still want to give some ladies my humble advice.

Don’t be one of those women that thinks because she is pretty its okay to make a man do all the work. I used to be one of those women. So please don’t be offended if this is you. Let me give you some examples:

  • Putting up your online dating profile and expecting men to ALWAYS initiate contact and keep the conversation going – If you do this and you’re happy ROCK ON! If you do this and notice you only attract one type of guy and it’s not the kind you want, try something different.
  • Always expecting the man to call you – I get that you want to know they’re interested. They SHOULD call first sometimes. Honey they should make you feel like there was never a woman before you BUT…men need to know you care too.  Men need that too.
  • Always expect the man to ask you out – I am not saying a man should not take the lead. I am a big old-fashioned girl mixed with a strong independent woman. I get it but..how would you feel if the only time you got to see your significant other is when you asked. I would not feel good about it. Take turns..that’s all I got to say about that.
  • Making a man make ALL the first moves. Who says you can’t kiss first? Who says you have to? The key here is there are no rules.

I know there are many more examples I could give but I just wanted everyone to catch my drift.  My moral for the day? Ladies: If you are always getting the same results..try something different. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Follow that sage advice that we were most likely taught as children: Do unto others as you would have done to yourself..or something like that. I have no breeding but you know what I mean!  Stop with the attitude that I am pretty and a man should do all the work. You ARE beautiful and deserve the best. Set your boundaries, and be picky as hell on who you decide to invest in but treat the worthy man as you want to be treated.  This advice is only for women who can relate. Break the vicious circle by behaving differently. Do it for science.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

August 12, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized, Women Advice | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What is Love?

I recently received this email. I decided to share because it hits close to home; and I think it may help others too. (To be honest I am behind in responses and I promise to catch up.) In my normal manner, I have removed names and I am cutting the email short. I don’t have room for all of it..so there.

Hi Sara,

I have never been lucky in love…..I am in a serious relationship currently and want to ask you what your thoughts are on being in love. How do you know?…… I am afraid I am moving too quick and do not want to be hurt……. Do you have any tips on telling if you are in love?

Anonymous

Yeah so I’ve already said that I am not qualified for this. I keep getting these types of questions. How do I know what love is? I don’t exactly have a success rate at being in love. However, I have been thinking about this question ever since I read it.  I think people have tried to define love for centuries. What is love? How do you know?

Love is when you realize you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. Love comes in many forms. Romantically speaking, love is not loving all the perfections of your partner. It is easy to love perfections. It’s about loving all the imperfections. I know I am in love when I realize I adore the way someone chews their food, or their poor driving or their incessant need to always be right. If I catch myself gazing at a man’s profile while he drives in admiration or watching the way his mouths form words…I know I am in love. I don’t notice those things when I am in lust. I just don’t. BIG signs for me are when his presence doesn’t crowd me. I have always been secretly crowded by love interests. Unfortunately to the point where I may care about someone but after say 24 hours around them, I am ready for a few days off. I know I have found someone special when I don’t need space.

So what’s my advice? I am always going to tell you to look at your actions as well as your partners. Is everything healthy? By this I mean are you hiding your relationship or are you taking natural, normal steps toward progress. Is he/she meeting your basic needs?  What does your gut tell you? Not your err..lust, but that inner voice that we should always listen to. That gut feeling has saved me many times and whenever I overlook it, it leads to heartache. There is no time frame on love. It.just.happens.  Do not run from love out of fear. I do not recommend making any decisions out of fear. Fear leads to loneliness and it leads to something worse than failure. It leads to no experiences at all. You will never have a chance to improve on past failures if you do not keep trying.  However, do take the time to really analyze your feelings and where they come from. I wish you the absolute best in this exciting relationship. May love and GOD be on your side.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 3, 2013 Posted by | Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments