Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

FEAR

yoda fear

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

fear scripture

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March 31, 2014 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fear of Love

Sometimes, I write only for people. Sometimes, I write just to vent. Sometimes, like today I write for myself and with the hopes of helping others too. What is love anyways? That’s the million dollar question right.  I have tried to define it before with friends with little success. I can’t tell you what it is because it’s too infinite. I can tell you what it is not.

  • Love is not shallow. (It is not based on what someone’s net worth is or how well endowed someone is.)
  • Love is not conditional. (It is not about what someone does or doesn’t do. This one scares me the most. I no longer want to be a door mat.)
  • Love is not always the same. ( I love my children in individual and unique ways. I have never loved a man the same way. Yeah I haven’t actually loved a lot of men but I promise they’ve always been in unique ways and for  different reasons.)

broken_heart

So what right? I know..I agree.. but indulge me for a minute. I am scared of loving someone..actually I am scared of letting someone know how much they mean to me. I fear that. I feel it but I fear it. I am usually so blunt but I can’t seem to express myself. The last time I used the words “I love you” for the first time, it took me at least two weeks to build up to it and about 6 solid attempts. (Yeah I know…what a punk!) I mean I literally chickened out several times on several occasions. I took a deep breathe leaned over and just…stopped. Why? I’ve been outspoken since I was three. Why did I stop?

It’s because I am scared of someone changing (for the worse) once they realize I love them. Kinda like: (Now that I have her, I am going to mistreat her.) It’s all I’ve experienced before. It’s kinda sad and very very pathetic. I can at least say the men regretted it after the fact. BUT…what good does that do me?  So I am scared of letting a man know I love them more than absolutely anything. However, I did it! I did it because life is short. I did it because I have had a couple of people I care deeply for die and I should have said things I didn’t. I did it because it was like this enormous weight bearing down on me and I was about to explode if I didn’t let him know how I felt. I have discovered that I am no good at deception in any form. I really need to have everything out in the open in order to be myself.  I felt 1000% times better once I said it.

So what’s my moral??? I guess the idea is to leave you with some food for thought. I believe most of us are looking for love. However, in order to really find that we need to let go of fear and show vulnerability. I almost gagged writing the word “vulnerability” but it’s solid advice. Letting fear control us will hold us back from anything worth having. Relationships really are about risk. Risk of failure, risk of rejection, and most definitely risk of heart ache. Let go!

****DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion. I do not presume to know your situation or every situation. I discovered a long time ago that I am not like the majority of women I know. Take it for what it’s worth yo!****

Until Next Time…Ciao

June 11, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments