Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Someone slap me! Okay not so hard! (It was a figure of speech..geesh) Seriously, I have major issues. I am at the point in my relationship where I am scared to death. I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I am waiting for him to let me down and majorly disappoint me.I am deeply in love, vulnerable, happy and I am waiting for the hurt. What in the world happened to me?

I used to be so fearless. I used to be so confident. I never thought about the rejection. I never thought about the let down. I am seriously scared. I can’t even begin to work through it. If someone wrote this as a question to me, my advice would be so easy. I would advise the person to be honest about his/her feelings. The problem is that the person I am in love with sucks at communicating. I find it very ironic that I FINALLY understand myself well enough to communicate my feelings and I am with someone who can’t. Well…I am with someone who can’t communicate them well. In an effort to be fair, he probably isn’t scared though…I am. He isn’t the one with all the insecurity. I am not insecure as a woman. I am insecure about anyone really loving me enough to make me a lifelong priority. A real commitment. The real deal…ya know? Damn, I am such a loser. What happened?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. To be honest, if I had realized the emotional shape I was in, I would have never fallen in love again. I don’t think I can take another major loss in my life. Ummm…I don’t think I can take it well. I am a freaking punk! However, it’s too late. The little girl who still believes in happy endings just CAN’T run away from someone she loves. I have never been able to. It always takes a near destruction to get me to turn away from someone I am in love with. Although I am scared, there is still a part of me that wants that happy ending. A normal, simple life of partnership with someone I totally trust. (When I say trust, I am not referring to something as obvious as cheating…I mean a deeper trust of unconditional love.) So I’ve been feeling silly. I’ve been looking for any sign that it’s not going to work out. I’ve been searching for a reason that tells me it’s time to walk away before I am rejected.  About a week ago something just snapped in me. I decided am tired of worrying about it. I am tired of worrying if someone is going to end up not being who I thought they were. I felt much better once I made that decision. Then I spent all this quality time this week with him..much more than normal and I started being scared again. I don’t want to need anyone or to get used to someone being around…that might hurt me again.  Geez Louise..I’m a nut. I’m a nut with issues who’s also a punk. Yeah…that sums it up. I wish I could talk to him about it. Boy howdy, I swear if I realized my issues before falling in love, I would not have subjected anyone else to them. Especially someone as special as the man I am seeing.

Moral: I just really had to get this out. I discover many things by answering the emails that come to me looking for advice such as:

1. It’s easier to give advice than follow it

2. We all have the same basic needs and desires.

3. Most people want to be loved and to be happy.

If I help someone by sharing…rock on! I know it helps me to confess my stupidity. At the minimum its therapeutic. I am going to have to defer to GOD on this one. I am placing my trust in him. He knows what I need. Change is a very slow process my friends. Do not expect to fix all of your issues overnight. It is slow and it is painful. Real change occurs by stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing forward. Real change is created by doing different things than you normally would. Change be hard yo…

Until Next Time…Ciao!

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December 24, 2013 - Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

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