It’s Too Freaking Soon!!

I have a friend that recently called off his engagement. By recently I mean like three months ago. In that time frame he has been rapidly dating. He has been serial dating. I am not judging him for this. Although I do think he is in a dangerous state of mind to be dating, that is his business. What I do think is unhealthy is how fast he has been introducing these women to his daughters.

My friend has two daughters and what we share in common is the fact that they lost their mother in 2012 just like my sons lost their father. If you do not know the pain and struggles involved with trying to fill in a whole you can’t possibly fill for your children, I am very grateful. I would never wish that fate on anyone. On my better days, I just feel inadequate. During a tough day, I am lost and helpless and just try to keep a smile on my face. However….I am derailing. I share this because these kids are in a different spot than most. They have lost something vital in their lives at an age where it is very difficult to cope. The last thing any of them need is to get overly attached. It is for this reason that I am so concerned about him and his awesome daughters.

In the last three weeks, the girls have met four different women. One woman that he has dated more regularly than the others has been spending a LOT of time with them.  The night he told me they all had family dinner and put up the Christmas tree together I felt shocked. I was compelled to say something. I knew it had to be gentle and non condemning.   I planned out what to say carefully. I care about him and his daughters. He has only known this woman for three weeks BUT he may care about her. However, before I could say something, he called me panicked to tell me the woman said she loved him! She loves him in three weeks? REALLLLLLLLLLY?????? “What did you say to her in response,” I queried. “I told her it was way too soon to say that,” he answered.  HOLY BETSY SCHMUCKERS! What is homegirl thinking?

I gently said, “I think you should slow this down. Don’t you think she has been spending a lot of time with the girls and getting really attached?” He replied, “Yes I do.” I asked him, “Why can’t you just date and get to know her? Maybe you should leave the family time out until you’re sure.” He said,”That sounds like a good idea.”  So at least I said something. His life is his to live. I felt much better after at least voicing my concern. I am only concerned because I can relate so well. The girls need a positive female role model in their lives. I get it. I would give almost anything to give my sons a father figure. BUT…I need my kids to see me making good decisions too. I can’t run the risk of them LOSING another father figure. I can’t just go out to the store and buy one. If I could, trust me, I would in a heartbeat. Life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t very fair-even to kids who deserve better. Those girls deserved a better hand of cards than what was dealt to them BUT they do have a parent that loves them dearly. That’s more than I had.

Moral for today? I’m going to make this short and sweet. If you are a single parent…be careful with who you let into your children’s life. Oh and before I forget….If someone you have been seeing for only three weeks professes to be madly in love with you and it is not love at first sight with you too…run! That’s the kind of obsession that can become dangerous.Kind of cray cray like homegirl below…just sayin! 

Until Next Time…Be careful and Ciao!

 

Love and Marriage

Recently, my seven-year old son asked the man I am dating if he could become a new family member. Bless this man’s heart, he responded with, “First you would have to allow me to marry your mother.” My son looked him in the eyes and said, “Okay, you can marry my mom.” Oh.My.Goodness! I almost fell over! SHHHHH child…really? LOTS of thoughts raced through my mind at once.

• Ummm did my son just offer me up?
• Could this moment get any more awkward?
• Am I a horrible mother for getting my son attached to this man?
• How do I prepare my son for the possibility that he may not stay in our lives?
• Should I just run and hide under my bed?

All I could do is change the subject. I apologized to my boyfriend and let him know that he’s 7 and has no filter. He just really likes him and wants him around. This morning, my 7-year-old asked where (insert name here) was and I told him he lived at his own house. My son said he wished he saw him more. Now I am feeling like DOG MEAT. My sons have been through so much. I may have made a huge mistake in my own selfish effort to not be alone.

A friend called me yesterday and I asked for his advice. I mistakenly asked for his advice. My friend lectured me on the fact that if the man I am seeing is not willing to commit than I am being used and dating someone afraid of commitment. WHAT THE WHAT? I was hoping for advice on my son and how to handle it. Instead my friend told me that after 6 months, this guy should know what he wants from me. Then he started grilling me. Have you had a talk about the future? (Um kinda..at least I’ve stated what I want in my future) Do you think it’s funny that he is almost 40 and never been married? (No not really) When are you going to tell him what you are looking for? (Who are you to tell me what I am looking for buddy?) Has he stated how he felt about you? (Yes..He loves me and with the way things are going now, he sees a future but it is too soon.) You do realize that he can’t enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment..don’t you? (WAIT a second. We are not shacking. We are just dating. Who said we were acting married? What are YOU smoking?)

This stemmed a long conversation about how you HAVE to know by now. I HAVE to know and he HAS to know. Otherwise, it is a game and I am being used. Well…it really hasn’t been THAT long..ya know…and REALLY this whole conversation started over my guilt about my youngest son. When my boyfriend tells me that as of “now” he sees a future, he is clearly not ready. I never even thought about it until this entire debate with my friend started. I am NEVER going to mention marriage EVER again to someone I date like I did with my ex. I had the “talk” with me ex. I explained how I didn’t  want the kids attached and that’s why I don’t let him over a lot. My exes response was hilarious (now it’s hilarious..it really pissed me off at the time.) My ex said, “Are you looking for me to take on you and the kids?” (Take on? Say what sucka? Like we need help financially..um cuz we don’t, we get along just fine financially all by ourselves.. or we are some type of heavy baggage..I was shocked.) I discovered that you just don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear an answer to. Ironically by the time he was ready to commit there had been so many insinuations that me and my children were a burden, I had already decided that I did not really want to marry someone what viewed my family that way. Ironic huh? 

I told my friend there is no way that will happen again. Hell, I want to marry someone who really wants me and that I don’t have to worry about how he feels. My kids freaking rock and that’s how I want the man I marry to feel.  I hate time stamping anything but I will not wait around for a man to be sure forever…BUT is 7.5 months really that long? My friends whole point is that my boyfriend should be sure now. Finally, I stopped the conversation. I told him I was sick of talking about my love life. Why don’t we talk about his? That shut him the hell up. heehee…I like it when I am savvy and mature.

MORAL??? Well I have asked a few people about this magical and mystical 6 month mark. Ironically…they agreed! The jury is still out for me on that one. I mean who can put a time frame on something? I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t wish there was a magical number…because I kinda do. Although, I believe with my entire heart that GOD knows best. It’s HIS plan, not mine. I will say that if it doesn’t work out, I am not bringing another man into their lives for a long long time.  I can’t be the kind of mom that keeps getting them attached to men. My little guy is just sooooo in love with my boyfriend and even my teenager really admires him. I have seen him put his guard down and trust my boyfriend and that is saying something after the tragedy. I can’t keep doing it to them. What can I say?? I just have a feeling about this one and have almost since I met him. That’s why I let him in so fast. If it doesn’t work, I clearly can’t trust my own judgement. I can’t break my kids heart over and over so I won’t be alone.  I know people come and go. I’m a big girl who has discovered people can leave.  It’s the kids I gotta think about.  If you are a single parent dating I caution you to be careful too. You deserve to find love but….just be aware.

Until Next Time…Ciao!