Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

FEAR

yoda fear

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

fear scripture

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March 31, 2014 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Loss and Grief

June 15, 2012 changed my life. That was the day I had to look my children in the eyes and tell them they will never see their father again. That was the day I began to carry a burden that almost crushed me. That was the day I realized-I mean really realized-that life was terribly short. One moment in time can change your whole life. I can’t explain how that feels. I can’t explain how it feels to break your own children’s hearts. I can’t explain what it’s like to be left holding everyone together and to not have one moment to breakdown yourself or anyone to listen…to have to be strong and to be helpless at the same time. I hope you never know.

A dear friend told me today that she doesn’t understand how I managed it. She proceeded to say she doesn’t know how I still handle it. I let her know I sometimes still get shocked by it but that I do not dwell on it. In fact, every day gets a little easier and acceptance continues to sink in.  Ironically, the SAME day the women in my office were talking about a father/son event. One of my employees innocently said, “I don’t know how you handle it. Fathers are so important to sons. They must miss him a lot.” I think it’s funny how something said with such innocence can bring back all the panic that helplessness always manages to bring out in me. I kinda shrugged it off and went to the bathroom where I cried a little. (This is a good girls guide so I have to be honest.) However, I can’t stand it when women turn on the waterworks all the time. I try soooo hard to not cry. It seems like the tears fall so easily over the last couple of years.  I try to do it in private.

However, each day really is better. Each moment is just a little bit easier. I have begun to enjoy the small things again and to look forward to a bright future. I have found a vulnerability in myself that enables me to love life and people in such a different way than before he died. I am stronger. Loss and grief are bad….but they are not the end of the world.  My children will heal. I am breathing again. I am happy again.

Moral???? The moral isn’t poor me or poor you or even my poor kids. The moral is that grief is a process. I realized today that it’s the journey that matters. My sons are good. They are strong. They still laugh. My mother in law is surviving and trying to heal. Most of us in this world are just trying to make our way through it. When life seems to be at its darkest, I encourage you to remember the clock is still ticking. Life doesn’t stop. You can stumble and you can cry but we all need to move on. You can heal and thrive or you can wallow in the loss. The choice is up to you. Please try to make it a good choice.

Until Next Time here’s a song I can relate to…Ciao!

 

January 14, 2014 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

You’ve Changed

A dear friend paid me a huge compliment yesterday. She told me I am such a stronger and different person than I used to be? I asked her to explain. My friend replied with, “You have always been strong but ever since the tragedy, your whole outlook has shifted. Your priorities are different and your optimism is even better but at the same time you seem wiser.” (No I DID NOT pay her to say it. I know someone went there.) It’s ironic she said that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different I feel.

I feel different in many ways. Damn do I feel different. I am longer afraid of putting my emotions out in the open. Life is short and I never want to let a moment pass without someone knowing how I feel. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to take for granted one single second of my life.  If I had the money to pay off my student loans or travel to Europe, I would choose Europe hands down. Life is short. When I die I do not want to think:  I’ve never even been to New York City but at least my student loans were paid off. Life is just too precious. I don’t want to watch life, I want to live it. I never realized young people could die randomly. I never knew the selfish actions of one person could change everything. I guess I did but I never thought it could happen to me until someone close to me died.  I don’t view things the same way. My priorities ARE different. I can let things go easier.  I don’t care about conquering the world anymore. I care about living in it. Of course not all change is good.

I feel more exposed than I ever have. The vulnerability in me is so noticeable to me (maybe not to others) but I feel it profoundly because it’s never been there before. I feel more alone than I ever have. I never realized what a lack of family meant until I needed one to lean on.  I am very happy with my life. I am very blessed. I am not complaining. There just seems to be a weight that presses down on me from time to time as responsibilities I wasn’t prepared for make their appearance. I guess GOD figured I was prepared.  I do feel wiser but with that comes a fear of new loss I did not have before.  People can leave. People can die. Promises are broken. Things can change. People change.  So do I even have a moral?

Um yeah I do. The point isn’t to talk about poor Lil Sara. The point is that change is inevitable. It will happen whether we want it or not. No one will prepare us for it. If I can look back at my outlook on life 3/5/10 years ago it is all different.  Most of it is much much better.  There is freedom in change. There is beauty in the consistency of change. I encourage everyone to embrace the change instead of fighting it. Do not panic when it happens…instead ride it out. Please remember…where you are right now is not where you will be in 6 months or a year or five years. Life is a journey.  Make it a good one.

 

change-shark-poster

I am feeling deep tonight. I will leave you with his favorite bible verse. We shared it at his funeral.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3 1-8

Until Next Time…Ciao!

October 9, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment