Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Holiday Blues

This year I am in a different place than I was last year. Last year the death of my sons’ father was fresh. The shock of it all still heavy on my heart. While I still cry tears occasionally at night over his premature death, everyone in our family is slowly and surely adjusting. Last year I was really alone and just focused on putting one foot in front of the other while pretending I had it all together. I literally just prayed for the season to end.  I dated, but I dated poorly and with a timidity and naivety that drew bad men and dangerous situations to me. I actually started this blog during the holiday season and I swear it saved me from myself. It helped me push through a sad and lonely time. I realized around this time last year that I do not need anyone. I may want someone, but I do not NEED anyone but myself and GOD to be happy. This year is much better but I am still blue. I know this is a happy time of year.

It should be full of love and family time and eating pie..I mean who doesn’t like all those carbs floating around? I feel at such a loss this time of year and I must admit I feel alone. I think maybe in a past life I had a huge family and the sense of being alone is amplified by the latent memories of what I once had? Maybe? I have no idea.  It’s not like I used to have these great childhood holidays. My holidays were filled with disappointment. In fact, I am so fortunate now. I am in such a safer and happier place than I was as a child. I really have nothing to be so sad about. Why do I and so many feel so blue during a celebratory time of the year? Well my friends I do not have an answer. I suspect the answer is different for everyone. I’ve been searching my feelings all week since the sadness hit me. I hate being a whiner. However, my conclusion is that I just need security and stability. It has been such a rough two years. Such an emotional era of my life and during a point in my life where I have to be the one everyone leans on. There’s been no one for me to really lean on and that’s cool…but I’m tired now. I need an era of stability. My soul is craving security and stability. Everything has been outside of my comfort zone. I need some dang comfort. I’m tired of being in unfamiliar water.  I’m tired of being the strong one and I am tired of being tired.  Now I am tired of complaining about it in this post. Ha! Do I have a point in this long rant??? Why yes I do..thank you for asking.

loneliness

Moral: Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you should let it affect your decisions. I am writing this for friends that will never read it and for friends I have not met that I hope can relate. I personally know two people right now that are making desperate romantic decisions based on their need to have someone. I think it is due to this time of year. Please do not let the holidays do that. You are okay alone. I wrote something comparable last year. Last year I was a hot mess during the holidays. I was grief-stricken and in shock and I still managed to not settle for just any man..no matter how tempted I was. This year, I have met someone who really matters to me. Amidst all the chaos of the last two years…I have found myself really caring about someone again. Before I found him, I had to find my smile all by myself. Where we are at right now is just a season. Nothing else. It will pass. Remember..you’re okay alone and it’s okay to feel sad even if you’re not alone. Sometimes, real strength comes from endurance..not in victory.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

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November 26, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Just One of Those Days..

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like punching someone in the face? I mean if one more person demands something of you or even looks at you they are going to see you get full-on crazy! It has a spiraling effect. Little things start to bother you. That car better stop riding so close to me. My employee better start SELLING something. I mean, say what one more time! Boohoo I am sleeping alone or should I say NOT sleeping alone. How dare someone not know intuitively that you wanted someone to commiserate with you and then distract you? How can they not psychically know you wanted to be comforted? Damn them!

The truth is my problems are my own and they always have been. I am responsible for my own happiness and always have been. Every once in a while I am humbled by this truth. My pastor was addressing this last Sunday. He discussed that 90% of everything we do is in reaction to what is done to us. We have very little control over what happens to us. Our real control is how we respond. The key is to show the same grace we are given. To act out of love. Boy howdy that’s hard to do. So here’s the good news to my post.

It’s okay to have one of those days. Just try to contain the damage….I think I could have done a lot worse tonight. I am ornery! (Not sure how much grace I showed but baby steps!) For a little while I felt like chewing on glass. I mean I was getting on my own nerves. I don’t want to be mean to anyone so I avoided people. Tonight I have no vent, no outlet, and here I am at 12am not asleep. Uggh! But……it’s okay.  Advice: Just breathe…this too shall pass.  Also, realize it’s just one of those days. Until next time..here’s a song.

Ciao!

October 15, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You’ve Changed

A dear friend paid me a huge compliment yesterday. She told me I am such a stronger and different person than I used to be? I asked her to explain. My friend replied with, “You have always been strong but ever since the tragedy, your whole outlook has shifted. Your priorities are different and your optimism is even better but at the same time you seem wiser.” (No I DID NOT pay her to say it. I know someone went there.) It’s ironic she said that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different I feel.

I feel different in many ways. Damn do I feel different. I am longer afraid of putting my emotions out in the open. Life is short and I never want to let a moment pass without someone knowing how I feel. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to take for granted one single second of my life.  If I had the money to pay off my student loans or travel to Europe, I would choose Europe hands down. Life is short. When I die I do not want to think:  I’ve never even been to New York City but at least my student loans were paid off. Life is just too precious. I don’t want to watch life, I want to live it. I never realized young people could die randomly. I never knew the selfish actions of one person could change everything. I guess I did but I never thought it could happen to me until someone close to me died.  I don’t view things the same way. My priorities ARE different. I can let things go easier.  I don’t care about conquering the world anymore. I care about living in it. Of course not all change is good.

I feel more exposed than I ever have. The vulnerability in me is so noticeable to me (maybe not to others) but I feel it profoundly because it’s never been there before. I feel more alone than I ever have. I never realized what a lack of family meant until I needed one to lean on.  I am very happy with my life. I am very blessed. I am not complaining. There just seems to be a weight that presses down on me from time to time as responsibilities I wasn’t prepared for make their appearance. I guess GOD figured I was prepared.  I do feel wiser but with that comes a fear of new loss I did not have before.  People can leave. People can die. Promises are broken. Things can change. People change.  So do I even have a moral?

Um yeah I do. The point isn’t to talk about poor Lil Sara. The point is that change is inevitable. It will happen whether we want it or not. No one will prepare us for it. If I can look back at my outlook on life 3/5/10 years ago it is all different.  Most of it is much much better.  There is freedom in change. There is beauty in the consistency of change. I encourage everyone to embrace the change instead of fighting it. Do not panic when it happens…instead ride it out. Please remember…where you are right now is not where you will be in 6 months or a year or five years. Life is a journey.  Make it a good one.

 

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I am feeling deep tonight. I will leave you with his favorite bible verse. We shared it at his funeral.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3 1-8

Until Next Time…Ciao!

October 9, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh Snap! Reality Check!

I’ve been working on this post for two weeks! I was going to leave it in drafts to be honest but a good friend said something so profound to me that it brought tears to my eyes. I mean it almost made me cry..at work! It was like my second bitch slap of the month-from two different friends!

I can present myself any way I want on here.  I can even pretend that I’ve overcome all my baggage. The truth is I am pretty honest by nature. I usually wear my emotions right on my face. It’s a strength AND a weakness. I suck at poker. I have to focus very hard at work and in business to “rein” it in. I don’t play games with people because I CAN’T. I would never be able to pretend ANY emotion. I also see myself as honest with myself. I know I am annoying. I am like a BIG BALL of pure energy most times. I go and go and go and go. That can be annoying to people. I’m sorry if it annoys you. I pride myself on being independent and confident. BUT…Have you ever caught yourself lying to yourself? I recently did.

I am in a fairly new relationship. We have passed the “let’s court each other” phase and I can see that our true faces are showing. This phase of a relationship is hard. The initial infatuation is fading and something more solid is developing. Couples start fighting in this phase. Communication becomes very important. We have had a couple of fights. I don’t mind confrontation. I am okay with expressing myself. However, over the last couple of months I have been feeling needy.

At first I dismissed it as not getting enough quality time. (There may be some validity in that.) However, I am not used to feeling needy. I am not used to needing reassurance. I have not EVER needed it before. I did not even realize that this is why I am getting upset over certain things…until two weeks ago when I started this post. I was seeking advice and got the best advice ever. One of my dearest friends told me, “Sara, I see your point but I also see the problem. I don’t ever see you as needy but I think that is happening here. You have had two really bad experiences and you are uncertain about yourself. This is why you are needing to be reassured so much. It’s like you need the validation of him caring. You felt abandoned and you aren’t secure with any mans intentions. I know you’re not normally like this-because I know you so well-but he doesn’t. You took some pretty devastating blows over the last three years and I can see the scars. You’re sensitive right now because you were hurt but you need to just relax.”   She said more but oh SNAP did she call my number. I just realized why I’m feeling needy.  I am not worried about who he’s talking to, etc. I am not worried if he’s interested in me. I am seeking validation and I didn’t even realize it. WOW! I always thought I was my own form of validation. I have been lying to myself.  I am so happy to admit it.

Why am I happy to discover I am being needy? I am happy because I know the reason. Feeling an emotion and identifying its cause are two different things. If I’m going to make mistakes, I at least want to know what they are.  As I said earlier, I wasn’t going to finish this. I don’t want to come across as a Debbie Downer and I hope I’m not. I’M LEARNING! I’M GROWING! I’M STUPID..oops! heehee. I decided to write about it because that feeling is creeping up on me again. I don’t want to feel needy. I freaking can’t stand the feeling!  I decided to reach out to a friend that can relate to being alone and not liking it. He told me, “You loved someone for more than half of your life and he died. You loved one other person that you couldn’t count on. You are scared of getting too attached because you are scared of abandonment. Now some new man says he loves you. You’re worried he might abandon you too. This is why you suddenly need more security.” DANG DOG! As I said earlier, it brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to argue but I couldn’t. He spoke the truth. I think I can share a lesson with you.

What’s my moral? Do not lie to yourself. You are the first person you need to be honest to.  Personal growth doesn’t just come from reading books (although that certainly helps.) It comes from really looking at yourself and admitting what you see. Sometimes it takes facing it to learn to let go. I don’t know if I can let that fear go right now…but I’m trying and I’m praying. In the meantime, I can at least learn to hide it better.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

August 28, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What I Miss Most

So today was a tough day. My car broke today. I know that sounds shallow but it did kinda ruin my day. I still owe money on it, it’s the week before school starts (I planned on doing last-minute shopping tomorrow) and I am scheduled to travel for work on Friday. You see, I don’t know anything about cars. I am a complete girlie girl when it comes to fixing anything really. It sucks. I am smart. I always figured I could teach myself. However, I am just at a loss when it comes to this type of stuff.

Anyone who follows my blog knows my story. I was married my entire adult life. What does that mean? It means, I always spazzed out and panicked and my husband or even after the divorce…always fixed stuff. (yes he was terribly flawed and a mean drunk but he always stepped up when it came to calming me down and helping.) It means that when I panic now, I have no one to turn to. I am not alone. I have some pretty fantastic people in my life, but there is no one who is obligated to help me. Let me clarify, there is no one in my life I feel comfortable leaning on like that because there is no one in my life who would not be scared off by that type of obligation. This is not anyone’s fault it is just the truth. After sitting in my hot car and waiting on a ride to get coolant  that didn’t work,  and realizing I’m facing a bill I can’t afford, my youngest son asked me..again..if GOD could give his father a second chance and bring him back from heaven. I gently explained that I wish GOD could but it doesn’t work that way. This is when I decided to go sit on the pity pot.

Being married my entire life left me horribly handicapped and I HATE it. I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone and I hate feeling alone. I have at least 5 things in the house I need fixed, two sons that are missing their father terribly and a gosh darn headache from the weight of it all. I miss having someone that understands how I freak out and worry. If you haven’t always had someone in your life that was committed like that to you, this entire post is probably useless. My journey post divorce and death has been hard.

I am not husband hunting. If I was willing to marry for the sake of marrying, I would already be married. I have discovered so much about myself in the three years I’ve been single. I’ve been through the shock of solitude and then discovered the sheer joy of it only to realize I do not like it. I am not afraid to admit it anymore. (Of course you can’t exactly tell your awesome boyfriend that you prefer being married or that you miss it. Maybe I could, but I feel like the message would get lost in translation.  I am not sure I am articulate enough to ever communicate that without sounding like I’m pushing for marriage.) I have discovered that men can say they love you and not mean it. I have discovered that I can survive that because it doesn’t define me or prevent me from remaining genuine with my love. I have also discovered that I can love again and that it is a wonderfully new and unique type of love. I found an honesty and vulnerability within myself that is almost spiritual in nature.  I’ve never felt more raw or open with my feelings. The fact that I’m writing it here for anyone to read speaks volumes. I used to be so damn closed off. There is something to be said for being completely broken down and rebuilt. The outcome is the real me. A confused and scared me but the real me nonetheless.  For that I am grateful.

Why did I share? I shared because it felt good. Ha! Seriously it did, However, I think there is a moral in here somewhere. Moral: It is okay to be scared and it is okay to feel vulnerable. In fact, I venture to say the only way we really grow as people is to step out into the unknown. I did that…but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Guess what? That’s okay too. Like the motto of my church…it’s okay to not be okay.

If you can relate, hang in there peeps.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 21, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Were You Going to Settle?

I recently had a good friend call off his marriage engagement. The reasons were tragic and actually had nothing to do with either of them. However, it is a very black and white situation and there is no choice but for them but to break up. (I know he wouldn’t care if I described why the engagement ended but it is just too intense to share. I see no value it would bring my readers as far as relationships go.)  So he is sad but I honestly think he dodged a bullet.

The woman was not bad or evil or psycho. She was just not right for him. She did not communicate her feelings well, she didn’t meet his physical needs and she constantly compared him to her ex husband. I never sensed that he was REALLY happy but I reserve that judgement because I believe he loves her.  I can tell he is hurting. We were having a conversation earlier and he gave me one of the most honest replies I’ve ever heard.

Our conversation centered around what we are or are not willing to settle on as far as relationship needs. He told me, “I was going to settle then I had that option taken from me and had to cut bait.” I immediately responded with, “Why were you going to settle?” He answered with, “Because I didn’t want to start over.” First of all I love the fact that he is so honest with himself that he immediately knew the answer. It takes a special person to admit something like that. My only reply was, “I am too scared of being stuck in another horrible marriage to settle.” This really got me thinking.

How often do people settle for that reason? How often must it happen in a city like Las Vegas where you are lucky to find someone who isn’t crazy or on drugs or shallow or all of the above? I see the temptation….but why should we settle? What does settling mean? I think it means settling for less than what you deserve. The key here is to be sure you don’t feel “entitled” to unrealistic things.  It is really tragic that anyone feels compelled to settle for anyone “decent” in order to not be alone. I don’t want someone to settle for me. I dream of being with a man who feels blessed to have me in his life. I don’t want him thinking..”Well she aint perfect but this one will do.” The idea just breaks my heart.

What’s my advice: Do not settle for less than what you need. If you are in a relationship and too many instances of this occur…think hard about your future with that person. If no amount of mutual compromise will fix it…then it’s time to go. Ahhh but that is so easy to say-right? The real challenge comes when you actually love that person. Things will never be perfect but remember to not sell yourself short. You are fabulous even if you are alone!

Until next time…Ciao

August 14, 2013 Posted by | Las Vegas Tips, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

What is Love?

I recently received this email. I decided to share because it hits close to home; and I think it may help others too. (To be honest I am behind in responses and I promise to catch up.) In my normal manner, I have removed names and I am cutting the email short. I don’t have room for all of it..so there.

Hi Sara,

I have never been lucky in love…..I am in a serious relationship currently and want to ask you what your thoughts are on being in love. How do you know?…… I am afraid I am moving too quick and do not want to be hurt……. Do you have any tips on telling if you are in love?

Anonymous

Yeah so I’ve already said that I am not qualified for this. I keep getting these types of questions. How do I know what love is? I don’t exactly have a success rate at being in love. However, I have been thinking about this question ever since I read it.  I think people have tried to define love for centuries. What is love? How do you know?

Love is when you realize you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. Love comes in many forms. Romantically speaking, love is not loving all the perfections of your partner. It is easy to love perfections. It’s about loving all the imperfections. I know I am in love when I realize I adore the way someone chews their food, or their poor driving or their incessant need to always be right. If I catch myself gazing at a man’s profile while he drives in admiration or watching the way his mouths form words…I know I am in love. I don’t notice those things when I am in lust. I just don’t. BIG signs for me are when his presence doesn’t crowd me. I have always been secretly crowded by love interests. Unfortunately to the point where I may care about someone but after say 24 hours around them, I am ready for a few days off. I know I have found someone special when I don’t need space.

So what’s my advice? I am always going to tell you to look at your actions as well as your partners. Is everything healthy? By this I mean are you hiding your relationship or are you taking natural, normal steps toward progress. Is he/she meeting your basic needs?  What does your gut tell you? Not your err..lust, but that inner voice that we should always listen to. That gut feeling has saved me many times and whenever I overlook it, it leads to heartache. There is no time frame on love. It.just.happens.  Do not run from love out of fear. I do not recommend making any decisions out of fear. Fear leads to loneliness and it leads to something worse than failure. It leads to no experiences at all. You will never have a chance to improve on past failures if you do not keep trying.  However, do take the time to really analyze your feelings and where they come from. I wish you the absolute best in this exciting relationship. May love and GOD be on your side.

Until next time…Ciao!

August 3, 2013 Posted by | Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Why am I Such a Pain in the Butt?

Why am I such a pain in the butt? I like to think I’m pretty easy-going by nature. I like to be happy. I am rather confident and outgoing . I generally see the glass as half full. BUT…Man does  my own head get in the way sometimes. What’s up with that yo?

I know how to put the past behind me. If I couldn’t do that I wouldn’t be able to be who I am today. I survive and I continue. HOWEVER, maybe that’s not 100% the truth.I believe I push people not to play games but to test their love.  I also almost always refuse to depend on anyone but myself. To the point where I can drive people away. Why? I think (big if here peeps) that it’s because integral people  in my life have let me down. This does not mean that I do not have good people in my life..I do. I try to cut out negative people in my life. This does not mean I am unhappy. I am happy with my life-I am very happy. This does not mean I can’t love. I love with a passion that can only come from someone as intense as me. This means that from the age of 8 I’ve realized I am the only person that will take care of me. That’s cool because it made me who I am today BUT I think it’s why I’m such a complete Pain in the Ass err Butt to someone who tries to love me.

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I have a very dear friend to me who also has the same problem. She raised herself like I did. We have a lot in common including the pushing. I don’t lash out and say mean things. She does. (That’s something she is doing well at conquering.) I wall up and become distant. I get cold….like frigid. I think this drives people away quickly because I am normally so warm to those I care about. However, the second I think I might get hurt, the armor comes up. (I’m about honesty so…here goes a confession) I think it’s to see if someone is really going to stick around. It’s like I want to see if they will run the second I’m not all smiles and blue eyes. It’s not a game to me..it’s really not. It’s my gosh darn burden. It quite possibly helped me survive my childhood. I don’t know how else I could have kept my hopeful outlook on life without being able to wall off and protect myself. However, I can’t stand this behavior as an adult. I think it  is very stupid. I don’t want to be stupid..err I don’t want to be as stupid as I used to be. I’m ending this cycle slowly and painfully. It is my journey to self-improvement. Life is too damn short to spend on stupid stuff. So why do I share?

My blog is my journey as a single woman. The last three years…actually almost four now…have been about discovering who I am as a person. If you haven’t spent your whole life with someone, you can’t begin to imagine how scary it was for me to make this journey. I never knew who I was really because I was always controlled by another. In the process, I like to believe I have helped people. I get about 15 emails a month asking for dating advice. I try to help them. However, this silly and simple blog has helped me more than years of therapy ever could. I share it publicly in the hopes of paying it forward. Also, because I don’t really have anything to hide. I am me. I am not perfect, but Boy Howdy I am trying to be better.

My advice for today: STOP and think about why you are behaving a certain way. If you are behaving irrationally (in any manner) try to discover why. I AM NOT going to tolerate this behavior from myself any longer. I am not guaranteeing it won’t happen again but I am not going to be the type of person who is always pushing when all I really want is for that person to hold me. That doesn’t even make sense when you think about it…geesh Sara. Next time I feel the need to push…I’m going to stop. I’m going to pray. One day, I may even stop being a pain in the butt…err maybe I’ll be less of a pain in the butt. We decide who we want to be my friends…

Until next time…Ciao!

July 20, 2013 Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized, Women Advice | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Homeboys Got More Baggage Than the Airport

There once was a boy who thought he loved a girl whose eyes were blue. He had so much baggage he didn’t know what to do. He hurt her feelings and put her last over other things. So the girl finally hit him with a shoe.

Just kidding! I am no poet…or am I? The truth is I want to talk about a couple I knew that were just no gosh darn good for each other.

There was a couple that really had trouble from the start. They were both ending bad relationships and definitely not in any position to fall in love. Ironically, they did fall in love-well maybe-what do I know of that really? With nothing in common except the fact that they were both outrageously immature and proud of it, they sought comfort with each other. Any fool could see they were both broken from their failed marriages but no one could tell them this. The relationship actually lasted for about 1.5 years and might have made it all the way. However, over time the problems arose.

The problems were not the fact that the man was significantly older than the woman. The problems were not even their immaturity.(They both demonstrated that their child like ways transferred into poor communication and even poorer actions.) The problem was homeboy’s baggage and his incredibly selfish actions.  You see the combination of poor communication, immaturity and mistakes could have been worked out. What can never ever be fixed is someone projecting his past failures onto his new relationship. It.Just.Won’t.Work. In fact, once this man realized he really was a big coward and never intended to give the woman what she so desperately wanted from him (marriage-a normal happy marriage with someone she loved) he should have stopped seeing her.

He did not stop seeing her. He played with her and he used her and he made her feel like she was not worthy of commitment. He announced undying love while at the same time he acted like she was just another scheming woman. He told her he had never known a woman like her and then stated he was a failure at marriage and partnerships and could not do it again. He let her know he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and in the same breath told her he could never see himself living with her because of her children. He told her he changed his mind. Then he changed his mind again..then again.  This is what made him so selfish. This behavior is what made all of her friends and family hate him. What do you think the woman started doing?

The woman started crying more and feeling insecure. The woman guilted and then the woman walled off from him and became distant. She finally gave one hard push and away he went. She came back. She left. She came back again. He changed his mind. She came back. She left. On and on this went until both of them were behaving crazily. One day the woman realized she would never marry this man. Not because she didn’t love him but because she would never marry anyone that made her feel that unwanted. She dreamed of a man proposing out of love and desire not OBLIGATION. She left. She came back because…damn this woman was weak when it came to love. (I mean it was pathetic to watch towards the end.) The man changed his mind. He wanted to look at houses. He wanted them to move away together. She told him no. She left….and did not come back. She realized that her love did not matter. Nothing she did with him mattered. He needed to fix his fear of commitment or not. It was not her problem. Her problem was loving him. Loving him hurt.  So the woman decided to stop hurting herself. Life is hard enough.

The End….

What did I learn from this story???? Do NOT let your cowardice ruin a relationship.  If you can’t stop your baggage from hurting someone, let them go. Real love is about wanting the other person to be happy-even if it means you have to lose the person in order for that to happen. Also, do not let someone you love continue to hurt you. When it hurts more to be with someone than it does to be without them, it’s time to go. I have discovered that love is not enough. It takes two to make a relationship work.

PS: The woman is happy again. She has overcome so many things in the last year. Why would someone who once claimed to care want to take that happiness from her?

June 28, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

A Letter to Their Father

Dear XXX,

It’s been a year that you have been gone and I still have a hard time believing it. You had such an intense spirit-a HUGE spirit-and the world seems less interesting without you. You were charismatic and the weight of your presence always caused other men to take notice of you. You had this ability to influence people and motivate them to follow you. You were a natural leader. I miss you. In your absence I have tried very hard to hold everything together. You see, you left me with a huge mess.

You left me with two sons who miss their father so much. I can’t fill the void. I will never be able to fill the void. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is to be a parent who is powerless to fix her babies problems. You left me with your mother who I love but I can’t help either. I can only be there for her. I can only try; and GOD knows I am trying. You left me all alone to handle these issues and I am horribly inadequate. I spoke to my grief counselor this week. She suggested I write you this letter so I am trying. I really am trying to be the best person I can be.

I loved you. You were my first love, and my first everything. When I was 16, you were like my hero. You helped me escape a horrible situation and you made me feel safe. In my eyes there was nothing you couldn’t do. You stood up to my mother and taught me how to stand up for myself. You used to make life seem so easy; and after my childhood I never thought life could be safe or easy. You pasted me back together and took care of me. You begged me to marry you as soon as I turned 18. I never wanted to be married but you always got your way. So married we were.

I hated being married to you. The second we married you changed. You started staying out late and drinking more. You stopped being so nice to me. The drinking escalated and the affairs began. You broke my heart worse than anyone. You struck me more than once out of anger. You scared me. You knew what type of childhood I had and you still bullied me. You hovered over me screaming with your hands raised and you laughed at me when I flinched. You laughed at me when I cried. You yelled at me when I cried. So one day I stopped crying. Then you ridiculed me over not having any feelings. You called me the ice queen. You accused me of changing. I informed you that you were the one who changed me. I didn’t learn to cry again until you died. The tears flow freely again. Its like I never changed at all. I know you were sick sweetie. I just could no longer sit around and be sick with you. I never stopped caring about you, I only pretended so you could move on. Our time had passed and I cared enough to want you to find happiness again. I’m so sorry you never got to and I’m so sorry I never told you how much I really cared.

When you were sober, you were one of my best friends. I miss your advice. You were the most logical thinker I have ever met. You could look at a problem and analyze it in such a logical yet creative way. I was always the feeler. I was always the one who tried to teach you compassion but you were definitely the problem solver. My passion and tendency to be so blunt always got in the way. You pushed me to be a better person. It’s funny because you used to tell me the same thing. However, when I think about the first person who really believed that I was more than some stupid hoodrat from the east side, that person was you. You didn’t always push me nicely. Sometimes you made me cry; but you always challenged my thinking. I’m sorry that I stopped acting like I valued your opinion. The truth is, I just got so disgusted by your alcoholism that I couldn’t take you seriously anymore. You were the only person in my life that really had my back. I don’t know how else to explain it. One of the hardest things to adjust to besides the obvious is the fact I feel so alone. No one looked out for me the way you did. Even after the divorce, you helped me fix things and you listened to me. You talked to me and you let me know when I was being a spaz. No one ever understood me like you. I remember about 6 months before you died you told me that you were sorry for the damage you caused. You told me that I was the best woman you had ever known. You also told me that when I wasn’t pretending to be such a hard ass, I was the most tender and loving woman you knew. I used to tell you that you had no idea who I was but I was lying to you. You’ve always seen through my wall.

I tried so hard to not lean on you after the divorce because I didn’t want to mislead you. I pushed you away out of love and I hope you know that now that you’re in heaven. In the beginning of our separation you scared the life out of me but the last year you were alive was so peaceful.  I am so happy you found GOD and I am sorry you could not find peace on earth. I thought if I quit being such a co-dependent, you would finally stand on your own. I had no idea you would just fall apart. I thought you would get better as long as I no longer enabled you. I may not have been in love with you but I loved you and I wanted what was best for you. I was no longer best for you and you were no longer best for me. I could no longer let you hurt me even if it was because of your disease. I feel like the only selfish decision I ever made was the cause of your death. If I knew that you would be alive today, I would have chosen to die the slow death I was facing. I would have consigned myself to being unhappy if it ensured your life and my children’s happiness. My grief counselor told me that was ridiculous thinking. I get it-I really do-but sometimes I still feel guilt. However, I am not the reason you are gone. You are the reason you are gone.

I am still trying to forgive you. I pray to GOD often that he removes the anger from my heart. I don’t know why you did it. I can’t believe you would walk down that path again. Why couldn’t you stop being a bad boy? We were grown ups. Thug life days were supposed to be over. You were at bible study that night. Why? I can’t help but hate you a little bit every time I tell your youngest son that GOD can’t bring you back from heaven. He cries for you often. There is a father son picnic this weekend and he is so heartbroken because he has no one to go with. What am I to do? Your oldest son is a remarkable person. He tries so hard to be the man of the house. I am so proud of him. He has no one to talk to like he used to talk to you. Do you remember how he always told you guy stuff he wouldn’t tell me? Who can he talk to now? You let us all down. I am trying to forgive you. On the anniversary of your death, I will try a little harder.

Until we meet again,

Sara

June 15, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment