Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

I am NOT Afraid!

I was talking with a good friend last week and he told me I was afraid of commitment. That just struck me as hilarious. I pointed out that I have ALWAYS stated that I wanted to be married someday. In fact, he was the one that always said he NEVER wanted to be married and then he proposed to his girlfriend after three months. He replied with, “Yeah but you had a chance to settle down and did not.” I responded quickly with, “That’s because I knew he wanted to do it out of obligation. He never really wanted that type of life with me.” He told me, “See I told you you’re afraid. That’s why you burned through all those guys you were dating.”  FIRST OF ALL: I did not burn through ALL of them. Some of them were real creepos. Some of them bored the HELL outta me. Some of them wanted me to put out on the third date. Some of them just didn’t feel right. Some of them weren’t interested in me. I am not like him. I didn’t latch on to the first normal person I dated because so many people are freaking weird in this city. I may hate living alone but not enough to settle. Not when I feel like I have so much to offer. (Yeah I said it. I DO bring some cool things to the table.) Of all of my friends, he should understand what it’s like being stuck in a horrible marriage. It.Sucks. I don’t expect perfection but I am not settling. My friend laughed at me. He asked me, “Do you think this guy is the one?” I responded quickly with my answer. He laughed again and said but you’re still scared.  This got me thinking.

My friends perception of me isn’t as crazy as I thought. (I feel free to write about this because it’s the truth and no one I know really reads my blog. Although I have offered for them to.) I have thought of running a MILLION times in this relationship. I love him. He is really good for me. He is the most rational relationship I have ever been in and I want him. I am not used to it. I am used to intense craziness. I am used to men filling my head with beautiful things only to never be there when I need them. I am used to..well…dysfunctional men.  For some reason the fact that it is healthy and still makes me happy scares the hell out of me. It makes it more real to me. While I should be elated (and I am) I can’t help but feel scared. What if I fail? What if the kids get attached and I make a huge mistake? How can I set everyone up for that again? What am I doing? You see dear readers, it is not just me on the line. What if he doesn’t like always being around my kids? (I can thank my ex for that.) I know they are great but geesh parenting is such a huge responsibility in my life. No one will ever be their father but someone coming into this household will have a much larger role in their life because their father is dead. I can’t change that. It’s the cards that were dealt to me.  Then I chastise myself for even thinking these thoughts. I am thinking them because every day I have is better with him in it. It is not always exciting. I do not always agree with him. It is not perfect. However, it just dawned on me that this is why it feels so real. I can’t deny that..at least not to myself. I can deny it to my friend…heehee. The thing with good friends though is they always call you out.

So he laughed his butt off at my expense while I explained I am not scared of commitment. He jokingly pointed out that I am totally sure of the guy but start stuttering when he asked me about long-term commitment with the guy. My epiphany is that I am absolutely terrified of it. I am also absolutely terrified of not having it. (Try to make sense of that shiznit, cuz I’m still trying to.) I am just terrified of letting everyone I love down and failing again. I used to think I was a good wife. However, the more time that passes I wonder if that was the case. Someone told me recently that people are the most honest when they are drunk. The man I married was always drunk. He said some of the most vicious and mean things to me when he was drinking. If there is any truth to that, he really hated me.  I can’t digest that and I can’t ask him about it because he’s gone. I confess that towards the end of our marriage I strongly suspected he couldn’t stand me anymore than I could stand him. I can’t understand why he wanted me back so bad (I mean he NEVER gave up) if he really felt that way about me. It’s starting to mess with my head.

However,  the last three years my life has been a series of incredibly unfamiliar experiences. I don’t like it but I know it is why I have grown so much in such a short period of time.  I know if I had met him at a different time, I would have run away months ago. It is just more real than anything I have experienced. (Real means..it is perfect in its normal imperfections.) He is not perfect but I believe he is who he says he is. I believe in him. I do not know if I believe in myself yet. I believe in myself in many ways. I believe I am capable and strong and at the core a good person. I just don’t know if I am worthy of anything real like him. I want him. I answered my friend without a second of hesitation. Although, a wonderfully simple day like today made me realize how terribly vulnerable I still feel. I know that sounds stupid as hell but hey..It’s my blog yo.

So what’s my moral: My moral is that I don’t need to find the answer today. I do not need to worry about commitment or lack of commitment or anyone else’s opinion. I do not need to run from something that I cherish. (that’s just plain old stupid anyways) What I know I need to work on (and if you can relate, I want you to try to work on it as well) is the fact that I deserve to be happy. I do not know how to reach that point but I recognize it in myself. I am a woman of faith. I am turning this over to GOD because he definitely has a better handle on stuff like this than I could ever have.  In the meantime, I will pray and strive to be the best person I can be, and….um try to not be quite as stupid as I used to be. If you are reading this and can relate, do not let fear dictate your actions. Operating in Fear = failure. 

Until next time… Ciao!

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September 24, 2013 - Posted by | Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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