Trying Too Hard?

Someone today accused me of trying too hard. Well that’s just effin hilarious considering the fact I have always been told I do not try hard enough. As soon as he said it, I felt my walls crash down around me like the jaws of a bear trap being shut. I responded quickly and grabbed a book. I successfully slid it under the wall before they slammed down all the way.  During this experience, there were three immediate impulses that crossed my mind.

1. I will back off and perhaps start talking to some of the men that seem to be so persistent. If he wants me he can come get me. (Can you say stupid? You don’t need to. I already know its stupid..derr)

2. I took it personal..like real personal. It made me feel like some sad and pathetic creature that is perhaps giving more than she is getting.

3. Maybe I should stop giving so much. I am a giver by nature. The only time I stop pouring affection on the people I love is when I am hurt. If I am content, I naturally want to give. Perhaps he doesn’t like that? If that is the case, perhaps he is not right for me? Wait a minute..who the heck doesn’t like that?

I squashed my feelings down and simply replied with,”I’m not trying too hard.” Now that’s progress! I didn’t act on impulse. Within 30 minutes I was no longer offended. I must admit it did mildly bother me even afterward. Although the more time that passes the sillier I feel my reaction was. Besides, I can’t do number one because I would never ever intentionally hurt him. I couldn’t do it. He is special to me and I would never want to lose his trust. I know I am not number 2 so I let it go. He is totally lucky to have me. (Better recognize homey..heehee) I will also never be able to stop doing number 3. Heck its one of my better qualities. I need all the good ones I have in order to outweigh the bad ones. HA! No seriously I do need ALL my good qualities dude.

Moral: Progress is measured in baby steps. Boy did I have to literally hold one hand down from the other in order to prevent myself from shooting off an eff you text or even worse a get lost text. I don’t want him to get lost. I mean that could be dangerous. We live in the desert. What if he ran out of water? (yeah I dunno where I am going with that..I will stop now.) Also, I did not let my walls slam down. I threw a book in at the last-minute because I figured using my foot would hurt. I also used my Statistics book from college and I am pretty sure that piece of junk deserved it! However, I didn’t go into ice queen mode. If he thinks I’m trying hard he’s right, but I am not trying just for him. I’m trying to be a better person. I am trying to have better relationships on all levels.  I figure if you want different results you need to do different things. Period.

If you can relate..try it! It’s kinda awesome!

Until Next Time…Ciao!