Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

What I Miss Most

So today was a tough day. My car broke today. I know that sounds shallow but it did kinda ruin my day. I still owe money on it, it’s the week before school starts (I planned on doing last-minute shopping tomorrow) and I am scheduled to travel for work on Friday. You see, I don’t know anything about cars. I am a complete girlie girl when it comes to fixing anything really. It sucks. I am smart. I always figured I could teach myself. However, I am just at a loss when it comes to this type of stuff.

Anyone who follows my blog knows my story. I was married my entire adult life. What does that mean? It means, I always spazzed out and panicked and my husband or even after the divorce…always fixed stuff. (yes he was terribly flawed and a mean drunk but he always stepped up when it came to calming me down and helping.) It means that when I panic now, I have no one to turn to. I am not alone. I have some pretty fantastic people in my life, but there is no one who is obligated to help me. Let me clarify, there is no one in my life I feel comfortable leaning on like that because there is no one in my life who would not be scared off by that type of obligation. This is not anyone’s fault it is just the truth. After sitting in my hot car and waiting on a ride to get coolant  that didn’t work,  and realizing I’m facing a bill I can’t afford, my youngest son asked me..again..if GOD could give his father a second chance and bring him back from heaven. I gently explained that I wish GOD could but it doesn’t work that way. This is when I decided to go sit on the pity pot.

Being married my entire life left me horribly handicapped and I HATE it. I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone and I hate feeling alone. I have at least 5 things in the house I need fixed, two sons that are missing their father terribly and a gosh darn headache from the weight of it all. I miss having someone that understands how I freak out and worry. If you haven’t always had someone in your life that was committed like that to you, this entire post is probably useless. My journey post divorce and death has been hard.

I am not husband hunting. If I was willing to marry for the sake of marrying, I would already be married. I have discovered so much about myself in the three years I’ve been single. I’ve been through the shock of solitude and then discovered the sheer joy of it only to realize I do not like it. I am not afraid to admit it anymore. (Of course you can’t exactly tell your awesome boyfriend that you prefer being married or that you miss it. Maybe I could, but I feel like the message would get lost in translation.  I am not sure I am articulate enough to ever communicate that without sounding like I’m pushing for marriage.) I have discovered that men can say they love you and not mean it. I have discovered that I can survive that because it doesn’t define me or prevent me from remaining genuine with my love. I have also discovered that I can love again and that it is a wonderfully new and unique type of love. I found an honesty and vulnerability within myself that is almost spiritual in nature.  I’ve never felt more raw or open with my feelings. The fact that I’m writing it here for anyone to read speaks volumes. I used to be so damn closed off. There is something to be said for being completely broken down and rebuilt. The outcome is the real me. A confused and scared me but the real me nonetheless.  For that I am grateful.

Why did I share? I shared because it felt good. Ha! Seriously it did, However, I think there is a moral in here somewhere. Moral: It is okay to be scared and it is okay to feel vulnerable. In fact, I venture to say the only way we really grow as people is to step out into the unknown. I did that…but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Guess what? That’s okay too. Like the motto of my church…it’s okay to not be okay.

If you can relate, hang in there peeps.

Until next time…Ciao!


August 21, 2013 Posted by | Love, Personal Growth, Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment