Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Why am I Such a Pain in the Butt?

Why am I such a pain in the butt? I like to think I’m pretty easy-going by nature. I like to be happy. I am rather confident and outgoing . I generally see the glass as half full. BUT…Man does  my own head get in the way sometimes. What’s up with that yo?

I know how to put the past behind me. If I couldn’t do that I wouldn’t be able to be who I am today. I survive and I continue. HOWEVER, maybe that’s not 100% the truth.I believe I push people not to play games but to test their love.  I also almost always refuse to depend on anyone but myself. To the point where I can drive people away. Why? I think (big if here peeps) that it’s because integral people  in my life have let me down. This does not mean that I do not have good people in my life..I do. I try to cut out negative people in my life. This does not mean I am unhappy. I am happy with my life-I am very happy. This does not mean I can’t love. I love with a passion that can only come from someone as intense as me. This means that from the age of 8 I’ve realized I am the only person that will take care of me. That’s cool because it made me who I am today BUT I think it’s why I’m such a complete Pain in the Ass err Butt to someone who tries to love me.

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I have a very dear friend to me who also has the same problem. She raised herself like I did. We have a lot in common including the pushing. I don’t lash out and say mean things. She does. (That’s something she is doing well at conquering.) I wall up and become distant. I get cold….like frigid. I think this drives people away quickly because I am normally so warm to those I care about. However, the second I think I might get hurt, the armor comes up. (I’m about honesty so…here goes a confession) I think it’s to see if someone is really going to stick around. It’s like I want to see if they will run the second I’m not all smiles and blue eyes. It’s not a game to me..it’s really not. It’s my gosh darn burden. It quite possibly helped me survive my childhood. I don’t know how else I could have kept my hopeful outlook on life without being able to wall off and protect myself. However, I can’t stand this behavior as an adult. I think it  is very stupid. I don’t want to be stupid..err I don’t want to be as stupid as I used to be. I’m ending this cycle slowly and painfully. It is my journey to self-improvement. Life is too damn short to spend on stupid stuff. So why do I share?

My blog is my journey as a single woman. The last three years…actually almost four now…have been about discovering who I am as a person. If you haven’t spent your whole life with someone, you can’t begin to imagine how scary it was for me to make this journey. I never knew who I was really because I was always controlled by another. In the process, I like to believe I have helped people. I get about 15 emails a month asking for dating advice. I try to help them. However, this silly and simple blog has helped me more than years of therapy ever could. I share it publicly in the hopes of paying it forward. Also, because I don’t really have anything to hide. I am me. I am not perfect, but Boy Howdy I am trying to be better.

My advice for today: STOP and think about why you are behaving a certain way. If you are behaving irrationally (in any manner) try to discover why. I AM NOT going to tolerate this behavior from myself any longer. I am not guaranteeing it won’t happen again but I am not going to be the type of person who is always pushing when all I really want is for that person to hold me. That doesn’t even make sense when you think about it…geesh Sara. Next time I feel the need to push…I’m going to stop. I’m going to pray. One day, I may even stop being a pain in the butt…err maybe I’ll be less of a pain in the butt. We decide who we want to be my friends…

Until next time…Ciao!

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July 20, 2013 - Posted by | Personal Growth, Uncategorized, Women Advice | , , , , , , , ,

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