Single in Sin City

A good girls survival guide to dating in Las Vegas

Dating Advice – Boundaries

So the coolest thing happened. I started getting emails asking for dating advice. Not hundreds (thank goodness) but quite a few! I take this as a big responsibility and I will never disclose the info to anyone BUT..I do want to talk about a common theme I am hearing about…

PLAYERS and BOUNDARIES

When I say player I am referring to anyone who is playing at dating. This could be as serious as someone who is dating multiple people for selfish purposes or as mild as someone who doesn’t really want the same things as you but can’t communicate that or doesn’t know it. He/She is playing with your feelings. This can be intentional. However just because it is not intentional doesn’t mean you should tolerate it. (post on that topic coming)

 boundaries

When I use the term boundary I mean a set of standards that you need in a relationship. These could be rigid like a certain income level or body type. Or they could be as simple as a person who is honest and doesn’t smoke cigarettes.  My boundaries are I want to be a romantic priority. I’m not giving any man my attention or my valuable time if I do not feel like I am the only love interest in his life. Another boundary is common relationship goals. I will never seriously date a man who doesn’t want a long-term commitment. (yes I mean the settle down kind of commitment) That doesn’t mean I expect every man I date to want to marry me…derr…but I need to know that there is a commonality there.

I also find it so very remarkable that at the end of the day, so many people want the same things. Regardless of age or socioeconomic status many of us just want love. I do not feel qualified to coach on that. I do not know a lot about real love to be honest and I’ve only loved two men ever…I’m lying to you and myself cuz I know it’s three but maybe I can continue to ignore the elephant in the room…ugh I’m scared and straying off topic. In fact I am not even sure if either of the men that claimed to love me did. I suspect it was more the idea of me than me because neither ever really gave as much as I did in the relationship but that’s another topic for another time. The hearts capacity to love is so infinite it is rather amazing. I also know that you can love someone who doesn’t love you. However, please don’t ask me for advice about that. Although I do feel qualified to help anyone who wants to really meet someone without playing games or getting caught up in the pettiness of dating. I GOT that one down yo!

However, as I was saying we all have these basic needs. I think sometimes in our loneliness or our longing for someone we overlook signs of trouble. Not only that but it’s like we throw out the window what we need in a relationship or our “personal boundaries.” It is a problem women and men both have. (or can have) I get it…it’s tempting. I get lonely, I definitely want to spend my life with one person but I’ve spent time writing about boundaries for a reason. If you are only dating to fill a void, you are destined to fail. The void has to be filled first and THEN you will find someone. I know this is hard. I spent some time wishing someone would fix my worries (Ok, I really wished some man would just enter my life, tell me how wonderful I am and say, “I got this Sara” and all my worries would go away)  It doesn’t work that way. I do not feel eloquent enough to write this in essay form. I am going to highlight a few common things I hear.

  • When should I call him/her?  Whenever you want to. (Alert Alert to my crazy friends..do NOT call all day long. People don’t really like to be stalked) Why should you call when you want to? BECAUSE we are not playing a game. No time limit has been set up, there is no rule as to when you can/can’t call. Call him/her when you want to talk. It’s that easy.

napoleon

  • What do I do if he/she isn’t calling or texting back? Sometimes I wish the text was never invented. Due to the fact someone can respond ASAP to a text, a lot of people are often left wondering why the text is ignored. Maybe the person is away from the phone or maybe he/she is in a meeting. We don’t all sit by our phone. What I encourage is to look for patterns. Is the person ALWAYS slow to respond? If so, that may just be his/her M.O. However, if the person ALWAYS texts you goodnight and suddenly stops (um not for one night, it takes more than once to make a pattern) then you may have an issue. It’s all about set expectations. For example, if I always text someone good morning and good night and I stop for a few days, I am probably losing interest. I’m sorry…so many people don’t want to hear that but it’s true. If you see this PATTERN (hint more than a couple of times) my advice is to ask about it. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. This is what I would say: “Hey I noticed you’ve been a little different lately and I just wanted to ask if everything is okay” If the man asks what do I mean or plays dumb, I would respond with, “It’s not a major deal but you used to communicate with me more and I’ve noticed you no longer text me, etc..blah blah blah” The response you get will be telling. I have a real life example.

I dated a very nice Detective once. We saw each other for maybe two months. He was funny and he was a native of LV like me and we had a lot in common.  We looked good for each other on paper. (He even went to my church) When we first started dating he came out of the gate sending me flowers and writing nice things to me while calling regularly. Then he stopped calling and texting as much. However, he has a crazy job-way more intense than mine-so I thought he may just need room. I made attempts to text him to which he would not respond until the next day. Then a pattern emerged. The last four weeks I dated him, he only called on Fridays to ask me out. Well…I practice what I preach and I called him out on it. He answered with, “I’ve been busy.” So I responded with, “I understand being busy but I’m looking for something more than just a once a week hook up. It’s okay if you lost interest and we can be friends. I think you’re a great person.” He responded with, “Ok cool, take care.” NO.EFFIN.JOKE! I wasn’t pissed until he just blew it off like that. It would have been so much better if he had said, “I met someone else” or “I just didn’t feel chemistry.” Meh I don’t care anyways and it was kinda funny how quick he was like “ok bye!”

napoleon_dynamite Like Napoleon Dynamite or at least that’s how I saw it..heehee. I was honest and that’s what counts. If all I wanted to do was go out on Friday nights, I would call my friends up. I don’t need a guy to go out.  WHAT HAPPENED???: I think he met someone he liked more but didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe it was as bad as I came in as a close second so he didn’t want to completely eliminate me. Who knows but he clearly lost interest and that happens my friends. My boundary is I want to be the primary romantic focus-not one of many. We will not be the perfect fit for everyone we meet.

  • He/She seems so nice to me when we spend time together but then they disappear. What is your boundary? Are you okay with that behavior? There is someone for everyone but usually the majority of us are looking for more. If so, do not fall into the trap. He/She is not that into you. If they were, you would know by his/her actions. I’m sorry..I’ve been there..It hurts. Free yourself and find someone who is into you.

What’s the lesson for today???? The SECRET is to look at the behavior NOT to look at your personal feelings or err lust toward the man/woman. Does the behavior of your love interest match your personal boundaries? If it doesn’t and you find yourself making excuses and compromising your needs…you’re selling yourself short. Don’t do that…cuz you’re fabulous as you are. Alone or Not. Until next time…Ciao!

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May 10, 2013 - Posted by | Dating Advice, Personal Growth, Relationships | , , , , , , ,

2 Comments »

  1. I love this! Setting appropriate boundaries for yourself and your future partner is a wonderful idea. That sucks about that jerk off Detective guy. I’m sensing you’re way too good for these guys and they’re too chicken to step up to the plate.

    Comment by Audrey | May 20, 2013 | Reply

  2. Awe thanks lovely!!!! I am not mourning the Detective. He is a good man just not a good fit for me. I am actually dating someone steadily right now and have been for a couple of months and feel pretty good about it. Time will tell 🙂

    I think the importance of boundaries is a very serious thing and I wish someone had taught them to me 15 years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of grief.

    Comment by datinginvegas | May 20, 2013 | Reply


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