Aint No Future in Your Fronting

Only some of you will catch what that title means. Sorry for the slang.   We all know someone like this. “I drive a Mercedes baby but it’s in the shop.” Or how about the woman who spends every penny she has on labels so she can keep up with a certain “status?” Where I am from, we call that hood rich. In fact, this problem has increased significantly by the invention of online dating. Someone can be whatever they want to be online. If you’ve ever dated online, you know what I mean.

For example, a woman may claim to look like this: 

when she really looks like this:  

 

There is no issue with how either of these lovely ladies look. HOWEVER….you gotta expect a man to be shocked when he meets you!

Now I have seen a man who claimed to look like this: 

When he really looked like this: 

Just kidding. I would never date ANY man who had a picture of himself with his shirt off on his profile. I don’t really care what you look like. It screams douche…but I digress because I’ve written about that topic many, many times. However, you get the point. Looks are not the only thing a person can front or…pretend about. How about age, money, job status or living with their gosh darn parents at 40. None of these things are deal breakers to all people…but lying is.

My moral here is simple: BE YOURSELF!!!! Someone will always find out. If you are not confident enough in who you REALLY are then you are not ready to date and find a REAL relationship. That’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time…..here’s a song that reminds me of this topic….Ciao!

 

 

 

You’re Probably being Played If…..

We’ve all wondered if it was happening to us. Well…maybe not you. If you’re one of the fortunate ones….good for you! However, most of us have. I have sat around and speculated that someone really liked me. He um…just didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe he is afraid of being hurt? Maybe he is scared by his feelings? Maybe he needs space? Maybe he really is a top-secret spy that can only call me on Friday nights because of his job? Um….yeah…maybe? So what’s the secret?

The secret is ACTIONS! OOps! Guess it’s not a secret anymore.  In an effort to be useful (yes some of these..heck MOST of these I have written about before but I seem to get LOTS of questions about players.) Anyways, in an effort to be useful, I have a bunch of examples below.

• You might be getting played if the guy/girl will never introduce you to his/her friends
• You are definitely getting played (or at least not considered a “serious potential dating partner” if you bump into his/her friends and you do not get introduced. (Please do not take this. If you feel hurt by it it’s because….you should. I’m sorry if that hurts. Find someone who deserves you.However if you don’t care, rock on with your bad self!)
• You are probably getting played if he/she only calls you on Friday/Saturday..or whatever day. (If they are interested, it’s not just about that once a week hook-up call.)
• You are probably getting played if you have been seeing the man/woman for a consistent amount of time and you have never been invited to his/her house. (DANGER DANGER..it is quite possible they are married/shacking….don’t blow a gasket…I said possible.)
• You’re probably being played if you do not know what he/she does for a living….after like the first date!
• You’re probably being played if you always meet up at random, last-minute requests. (Not only that, but I find that rude.)
• You’re probably being played if your interest is not being reciprocated. (If you are giving WAY more that you are receiving, it’s time to check in with your brain and think about the relationship logically. This sucks..I know.)

There are so many more examples I could write. I would honestly love to hear any other opinions. Playing with someone’s feelings is messed up yo! I prefer to keep my advice simple…

Moral: If the actions of your love interest are questionable…take a moment to think about it. It hurts to have your feelings played with. Keep your head up and leave yourself open for someone who will adore you….I know they’re right around the corner.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

Bust a Move

Dear Sara,

Is it appropriate to make the first move on a date? I was always taught to let the man do it. What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Hi Anonymous! The answer is: If it feels appropriate then yes you should! The rule is there are no rules. I used to be the exact same way but the pressure is crazy! I hate the pressure of waiting so the last time I had a first kiss, I was the one to initiate it. I just wanted to golly gee  get it over with! However, I would qualify this with the timing felt right to me when I did it. Remember to not get caught up in all the dumb rules that society and dating books try to cram down our throats. Listen to your instincts and trust them.

Until Next Time….here’s some old school hip hop….Ciao!

 

 

 

Ahhh..Memories

About 2 years ago I went on a date with a  U.S. Marshal. He was kind of intense but we had a great first meeting. For our second date, we went to a local bar for drinks. We had a nice date. We chatted and there seemed to be chemistry. The date ended on a solid note.

He text me that night. Then he text me the following day and we had this conversation:

“I am really attracted to you and you seem like a good woman. Do you know what I’ve always really wanted?” I replied with,” What?”  He proceeded to tell me this, “I’ve always secretly wanted to be with a woman who will cheat on me with multiple men. Maybe even let me watch.”  WTF??? “Well that’s not really what I’m into and we are not looking for the same thing.” (NOW I just think this dude is another LV Douche Bag. Scratch this homeboy off the list..ya know!) Lastly, he replied with, “Oh me either, I was just playing.”

Moral: Can you say delete and block?? I can!  I guess my moral is simple today. Dating is HARD! Hang in there and remember you are not alone in the struggle.  Oh and if you have these types of desires…wait until you really know the person. Derr…

Until Next Time…Ciao

 

 

Oh No He Didn’t!

So we know if we are on dating sites, we will get approached via message. DATING SITES. Last Thursday I received the message below. (PSST: I am no longer on the dating sites and haven’t been for a year.)

Hello Beautiful, I may not be superman, but give me a second and I will fly across countries to send you my love. Have you received it? hope you don’t mind us communicating each other through our personal email,hope you don’t mind?
Waiting to read from you soon…. 

Regards……. Christopher

And TODAY I received a different message from a different man!!!!

Hi thanks for accepting my connection, anyway l have gone through your profile and l must tell you that am really impressed on what l have seen therefore thats why l connected you maybe we can share some ideas together after hours though we are in different fields. You look really good and would wanna get to know you properly. bye and hope to hear from you soon

Where do you think I received these messages? FaceBook? NOPE Twitter? NOPE….drum roll…….LinkedIn! Now go freaking figure. I always assumed this was a safe professional social networking venue. The first email was over the top stupid. (Ummm sorry it was.) Let me qualify: It was STUPID under any circumstance. Stupid on a dating site, stupid on a boat, and stupid with a goat. I really blew it off to one of those rare chance occurrences but four days later another guy sends me a message. What is this? LinkedIn Lonely Hearts Club? So über stupid and unprofessional. ( I do have a professional persona ya know!)

Todays Advice:

Men: PLEASE do not send this kind of crap. It is ridiculously transparent and insulting. (Psst: It is insulting because anyone who sends it must think I’m some kind of idiot to believe its authenticity; and if you can’t figure that one out buddy…phone a friend.) Anywho…I do not recommend generic, demeaning messages. If you happen to attract a woman this way, she may be….generic herself.

Women: Let’s not reply to this junk. I know it’s tempting to want to tell them off or to just plain ‘ole vent but it just isn’t worth it. I stopped a long time ago.

Everyone: LinkedIn is for business networking. Not hooking up…and that’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

When Do You Know?

A close friend asked me, “Sara, when do I know I am over my ex?” I think the answer is to look at your actions.

• Are you looking at his/her online profile on a frequent basis? (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) If you are looking at them more than you care to admit, you are probably still healing and not moved on.
• Are you looking at old photographs? This one is kinda obvious. If you feel the need to pull out old photos, you are probably not over your ex. (pst: if you have kids with the person and you keep them for your kids, it’s different. However, if you are pulling them out just to look at the person…well I don’t think you’re over it.)
• Do you still keep mementos? (old cards, letters. etc.) When you are really over something, you can let go of that stuff. I dare say it is good for you.
• Do you visit places you used to see him/her at in the hopes of seeing the person? ( I have never done this but I have heard of people doing it.)
• Do you think about your ex frequently?
• Do you find yourself jumping at the chance to see him/her? This is a BIG one.
• Have you found yourself thinking about a random reason to reach out to him/her in the hopes of starting a dialogue? Hey..we’ve all done it. It just means you are not over it.

Today’s Moral:If you are suffering from these symptoms, it does not make you a weak person. This just means you are probably not over your last relationship. Just like the grief process, it takes as long as it takes. I only caution you not to start a NEW relationship until you are ready. It is better for you and better for the next amazing person you find in your life.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

Oh! And remember to never ever do this:

Worst Break Up Ever…

A couple dated for about 8 months. While they dated, he took her to his  favorite hangout-a karaoke bar. She met all his friends and hung out at this spot every weekend. She did not sing but she went with the guy she was dating. Unfortunately, no one really liked the girl. In fact, they called her bitch face (not nice and I am NOT endorsing that behavior…but I did include it cuz it was funny and she was a snooty mcsnooterton.) However, the guy liked her so the friends accepted her. She even made a few semi-friendships. As time passed the guy decided he wanted to break up with her.

He called her on the phone and asked if they could meet up to talk. The girl, (whom I think may have suspected the nature of the intended conversation) refused to meet up. Eventually, the guy was forced to break up via text. That Friday he went to his normal hangout with his friends and……

The girl was there. The REAL awkward moment was when homegirl (that’s her name now) realized the guy was dating one of his female friends. Homegirl felt betrayed and YES I agree that it was a little soon BUT it is a free country right? So she sat across from him the entire night and……

Homegirl went to that bar every weekend thereafter. Initially, she was earning sympathy with some of the patrons of this bar. However, she kept going on an on about the guy every night. Every.single.weekend. People grew tired of it, but there were a couple of people who still listened. Mainly they were older men who wanted a chance to console a hot, youngish blonde. As weeks turned into months and she kept complaining and complaining about the situation and how he cheated on her with his female friend and how this female friend was supposed to be homegirl’s friend too….well you can imagine how people grew frustrated.  The final event was when homegirl called the new girlfriend a slut. The new girlfriend snapped! Then the new girlfriend threw a beer bottle at her and now…..THERE’S A GIRL FIGHT!!! (I’m way bummed I missed that shiznit cuz girl fights are the best to watch…but such is life yo.) Both girls errr women (they are in their mid-thirties) were asked to leave and not come back.  At this point it has been three months since homegirl and dude’s breakup.

What is todays Moral:

Ladies: Why in the world did she keep coming back? Show some gosh darn dignity.  She had no right to infringe upon his friends by continuing to hang around after the break up. If I broke up with someone, I would not even dream of pushing myself at HIS friends. I would not be mean to his friends but I certainly would respect his previous friendships. The only thing this woman managed to do was make a fool of herself. Please don’t do that. Keep you head up high! Recognize the fact that you are a strong and wonderful woman. There will be a new man who recognizes that..I promise. AND no fist fighting over men. You might get more than you bargain for.

Men: Watch out for crazies. I’ve warned you before. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and when you add a little nutso into the mix…KA BOOM! Be careful.

Until Next Time, here’s a song…Ciao!

Psst: You’re on a Mailing List

Dear Sara,

I seem to get lot’s of random text from guys I have dated in the past. Why do you think they keep messaging me? I got four Merry Christmas messages and tons of Happy New Year ones.  I also get lots of “How are you?” messages. When I answer there’s never a response. Why text me if they don’t want to answer?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

This is a timely question. I was just discussing this with a very close friend. You are most certainly on a mass text list. Unfortunately, almost a year of serial dating left me on LOTS of lists! I also receive a bunch of messages that seem very random. I never answer them. I can tell when they are genuinely sent to me only. A “Merry Christmas Sara. I hope you’re well.” message is definitely a direct and personal greeting from someone I dated. I would seriously change my number if I hadn’t had it so long.

Advice? Do not bother responding if you can tell it’s a mass text. Did you know they have text spamming software? It’s true! I read it on the internet. Good luck and I hope you know you are not alone. Oh! To all my male readers that do this…STOP! Pretty Please??

Until Next Time…Ciao

Try Something Different

I watch my friends repeat themselves all the time. Um yes…I make mistakes all the time. However, it’s easier to see a problem from the outside. It just is. (Now that we’ve cleared that up, I will continue.) I observe my friends falling for the same type of person over and over and over and…the relationships fail. I am going to use case studies.

I have a male friend that only dates party girls. Yes, over time the women have gotten a little less stripper and perhaps a little more barfly. Maybe that’s not even being fair..but definitely not a “good girl.” (I am not dogging out my wild sisters…I love you guys and I am often amazed at the ability to be so carefree.) However, my friend wants a family. He feels his male clock is ticking at 36. (SIDE NOTE: Neither men nor women should feel rushed to settle. There are plenty of people who start families later in life.) Back to the point! The women he gravitates toward are pretty in a harder way and usually like to party and usually date a LOT of different men. Do you see where I am going with this? These women DO NOT want a family or a husband. Well…not usually. So what happens? He ends up getting hurt and then he is just so shocked by it, he falls into a slump. All I can think of is that old fable about the woman who saved a snake…then the snake bites her. The snake replies with, “You knew I was a snake when you saved me.”

I know a woman in a similar boat. She always dates douche bags. The type of men that purposely treat her poorly then disappear for a while. (I know you know the type of man I am talking about.) Then they end up breaking up with her or cheating and she comes running to me in tears. Why is she always dating jerks? The last one I spotted within thirty minutes of meeting him by the way he was checking out every girl he saw…while she was with him. Poor thing doesn’t want to listen and I only offer solicited advice. I try to not mettle in others affairs. Do you see how this pattern of repetitively choosing the same type of guy is NOT working? I wish she did.

Moral for today: Can I be blunt? Of course I can! This is my blog! The truth is…you can’t ALWAYS do the same thing over and over and expect different results. If you are getting the SAME type of problems OVER and OVER again…try looking for common denominators. Is it you? Is it the type of person you are dating? Is it both? I don’t know…but as I’ve said before..If you want a different result, you have to DO different things. It’s really logical if you think about it. Look for patterns and change them. If this is something you can relate to, try it! Do it for science. Albert Einstein coined it well when he said:

 

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Dear Sara,

How should I break up with my boyfriend? I don’t want to be with him but I’m scared to tell him. So far, I’ve just been avoiding him.  Any advice?

Anonymous

I have a great strategy for this. Tell him you have a flesh-eating disease that is currently incubating but during this period of time it is highly contagious. No?

Okay, tell him you have to move to Yemen for work. (I’m not so sure I spelled it right and I’m pretty sure Chandler did it in Friends and it did not work.) No?

Maybe…just maybe….you can…tell him the truth. Okay, all jokes aside, this was an easy question to answer and post to write. (Probably why I chose it, cuz I’m feeling all kinds of lazy tonight.) This is easy for me because you need to be honest. The absolute worst thing you can do to the poor guy is drag it out and make him feel even worse while you ignore him. You absolutely need to put your big girl pants on and face this head on. Everyone knows I love lists…so here goes.

DO

• Tell him right away.
• Tell him in person and directly
• If you absolutely can’t meet up with him, at least do it on the phone (I really do prefer the in person method)
• Be gentle but honest
• Keep it short and sweet-no need to spend two hours with the dude your dumping (Like a bandaid..just do it quickly)

DO NOT

• Send him an email
• Text him (it’s a different version of the above)
• Use any cliché lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You just deserve a better person than me.” Its bogus and obvious..for realsies.
• Turn it into a “Let’s pick on the poor guy getting dumped.” (Sometimes in an order to feel better people like to become confrontational and start picking on the person they are dumping…it helps them feel better about being the bad guy.)
• Just disappear (This is one of the crappiest things you can do to a person. They deserve closure.)
• Lie (The truth might hurt but lies are no bueno.)
• Sink to his level if he gets angry. (If he does start a fight..just walk away. I mean you just broke up with him. It’s not like you have to deal with him again. Please try to be the bigger person and walk away.)

Moral: Breaking up with someone is HARD. However, if you have really made up your mind and you feel this is best…get it over with. It never pays to procrastinate…especially when I am sure you are nervous and the tension is building. The quicker you do it, the sooner you and him can move on. Plus…doesn’t he deserve to know sooner rather than later?  I know it’s hard, but do the right thing and be done with it. I wish you the absolute best with this venture….seriously, I know it sucks. I’ve broken up with men before too. Good luck!

Until Next Time….Ciao

Also, lies can escalate into bigger lies..Kinda like Chandler below. (You don’t want to have to buy a fake ticket to Yemen. If I really tried to lie, this is exactly how it would backfire on me. Ha!)