One of the sweetest women I have ever known in my entire life killed herself recently. She was bubbly, friendly and no one saw it coming. What no one realized is how miserable she was. My dear friend always desperately wanted acceptance and the love of a man. As a result, she didn’t always qualify the men or have great standards. Men did not treat her the way she deserved. How anyone could not see the beauty that resided in her soul and cherish it is beyond me. That woman exhibited pure joy since she was 9. She left behind four children.
This inspired me to contemplate what it means to need love. Actually, to need love so badly that you would die over it. (yeah..I’m going all deep tonight but it’s my blog yo.) As a little girl, I dreamed of a husband and lots of kids and growing old with someone. Truth be told, I jumped right at it by marrying my high school sweetheart. Somewhere into the third year of my 13 year marriage, I realized that the idea of that is silly. Marriage is compromise. Marriage is hard work. Sometimes, that love is not reciprocated. I actually resigned myself into pretending and while I loved that man until the day he died, I was not in love with him for a good ten years of my marriage. I still had a family unit and if I worked hard enough, was responsible enough and strong enough…it would all work out. Okay…epic fail there. I blew that one big time. Why do I even bring it up?
I mention it because I didn’t get my dream either. I refuse to dwell on its absence. I really really wanted that damn simple dream of a family that I had as a little girl it but heck..I can’t change that. I will not spend my life upset over it when I have so much to be grateful for. All my friend wanted was a level of commitment and love and she just went miserable when she couldn’t find it. The absence of that was a constant pressure in her life. You must accept who and where you are in life regardless of where you wish you were. That’s hard advice to follow…but I try.
Moral: I have several tonight.
1. I think the key is choosing to be happy with what you have. Not yearning for what you don’t have. I think dwelling on the absence of love/money/marriage/whatever in your life leads to bitterness.
2. Love can’t fix you. The void has to be filled before anything healthy can enter your life. I can’t stress that enough. Work on being the best you possible and then love will come.
3. Please do not seek a permanent solution to a temporary situation. There is nothing in life that is so horribly permanent that you should choose death. EVERYTHING is temporary. When I look back at every dark spot in my life, it has always passed. Life is beautiful and tragic at the same time with points of brilliant light and bleak darkness intertwined throughout. Some days just focus on breathing and other days we will remember why life is such a precious gift. The clock is still running. Stay in the game…please.
RIP my sweet childhood friend.
Until Next Time…Ciao
Las Vegas IS a trip! Men in this city are too! I’ve written about the “Vegas Woman.” Now it’s time to write about ‘dem crazy men in this city! I love lists! I really do! Here are seven very common signs that “Vegas Men” have.
1. They have a google voice phone number. (There is no way they are giving you their actual phone number..geesh)
2. They will be regulars on most dating sites. (They have to keep a healthy inventory as they keep searching for the hottest/best/most successful female.)
3. The will consistently name drop. (They know people who know people yo.)
4. Are 45 and have never been in a committed relationship. (Why choose one when you can have many?)
5. Know every night club by heart. (They ARE living IN Vegas baby!)
6. They may get hair highlights (Once again not all men with highlights are bad or players but…)
7. Can you say designer labels and lots of knowledge about them? (I love nice things. I am not saying this alone makes a “Vegas Guy” but it is a common trait.)
*****Qualifier: I am not suggesting that a couple of these traits makes a typical “Vegas Guy.” I am only listing common traits I see among them. Also, I never said I had all the answers….this is my blog and my humble opinion.*****
Moral: The key here is status and shallowness. A “Vegas Guy” is mainly into appearance and the Vegas lifestyle. I do not recommend dating these men if you are looking for something solid and meaningful. It is hard to find anything meaningful when this type of man is usually on the lookout for something better. Who wants to feel like they are constantly being evaluated? I know I don’t.
Until Next Time…Ciao!
A couple dated for about 8 months. While they dated, he took her to his favorite hangout-a karaoke bar. She met all his friends and hung out at this spot every weekend. She did not sing but she went with the guy she was dating. Unfortunately, no one really liked the girl. In fact, they called her bitch face (not nice and I am NOT endorsing that behavior…but I did include it cuz it was funny and she was a snooty mcsnooterton.) However, the guy liked her so the friends accepted her. She even made a few semi-friendships. As time passed the guy decided he wanted to break up with her.
He called her on the phone and asked if they could meet up to talk. The girl, (whom I think may have suspected the nature of the intended conversation) refused to meet up. Eventually, the guy was forced to break up via text. That Friday he went to his normal hangout with his friends and……
The girl was there. The REAL awkward moment was when homegirl (that’s her name now) realized the guy was dating one of his female friends. Homegirl felt betrayed and YES I agree that it was a little soon BUT it is a free country right? So she sat across from him the entire night and……
Homegirl went to that bar every weekend thereafter. Initially, she was earning sympathy with some of the patrons of this bar. However, she kept going on an on about the guy every night. Every.single.weekend. People grew tired of it, but there were a couple of people who still listened. Mainly they were older men who wanted a chance to console a hot, youngish blonde. As weeks turned into months and she kept complaining and complaining about the situation and how he cheated on her with his female friend and how this female friend was supposed to be homegirl’s friend too….well you can imagine how people grew frustrated. The final event was when homegirl called the new girlfriend a slut. The new girlfriend snapped! Then the new girlfriend threw a beer bottle at her and now…..THERE’S A GIRL FIGHT!!! (I’m way bummed I missed that shiznit cuz girl fights are the best to watch…but such is life yo.) Both girls errr women (they are in their mid-thirties) were asked to leave and not come back. At this point it has been three months since homegirl and dude’s breakup.
What is todays Moral:
Ladies: Why in the world did she keep coming back? Show some gosh darn dignity. She had no right to infringe upon his friends by continuing to hang around after the break up. If I broke up with someone, I would not even dream of pushing myself at HIS friends. I would not be mean to his friends but I certainly would respect his previous friendships. The only thing this woman managed to do was make a fool of herself. Please don’t do that. Keep you head up high! Recognize the fact that you are a strong and wonderful woman. There will be a new man who recognizes that..I promise. AND no fist fighting over men. You might get more than you bargain for.
Men: Watch out for crazies. I’ve warned you before. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and when you add a little nutso into the mix…KA BOOM! Be careful.
Until Next Time, here’s a song…Ciao!
I watch my friends repeat themselves all the time. Um yes…I make mistakes all the time. However, it’s easier to see a problem from the outside. It just is. (Now that we’ve cleared that up, I will continue.) I observe my friends falling for the same type of person over and over and over and…the relationships fail. I am going to use case studies.
I have a male friend that only dates party girls. Yes, over time the women have gotten a little less stripper and perhaps a little more barfly. Maybe that’s not even being fair..but definitely not a “good girl.” (I am not dogging out my wild sisters…I love you guys and I am often amazed at the ability to be so carefree.) However, my friend wants a family. He feels his male clock is ticking at 36. (SIDE NOTE: Neither men nor women should feel rushed to settle. There are plenty of people who start families later in life.) Back to the point! The women he gravitates toward are pretty in a harder way and usually like to party and usually date a LOT of different men. Do you see where I am going with this? These women DO NOT want a family or a husband. Well…not usually. So what happens? He ends up getting hurt and then he is just so shocked by it, he falls into a slump. All I can think of is that old fable about the woman who saved a snake…then the snake bites her. The snake replies with, “You knew I was a snake when you saved me.”
I know a woman in a similar boat. She always dates douche bags. The type of men that purposely treat her poorly then disappear for a while. (I know you know the type of man I am talking about.) Then they end up breaking up with her or cheating and she comes running to me in tears. Why is she always dating jerks? The last one I spotted within thirty minutes of meeting him by the way he was checking out every girl he saw…while she was with him. Poor thing doesn’t want to listen and I only offer solicited advice. I try to not mettle in others affairs. Do you see how this pattern of repetitively choosing the same type of guy is NOT working? I wish she did.
Moral for today: Can I be blunt? Of course I can! This is my blog! The truth is…you can’t ALWAYS do the same thing over and over and expect different results. If you are getting the SAME type of problems OVER and OVER again…try looking for common denominators. Is it you? Is it the type of person you are dating? Is it both? I don’t know…but as I’ve said before..If you want a different result, you have to DO different things. It’s really logical if you think about it. Look for patterns and change them. If this is something you can relate to, try it! Do it for science. Albert Einstein coined it well when he said:
Until Next Time….Ciao!
How should I break up with my boyfriend? I don’t want to be with him but I’m scared to tell him. So far, I’ve just been avoiding him. Any advice?
I have a great strategy for this. Tell him you have a flesh-eating disease that is currently incubating but during this period of time it is highly contagious. No?
Okay, tell him you have to move to Yemen for work. (I’m not so sure I spelled it right and I’m pretty sure Chandler did it in Friends and it did not work.) No?
Maybe…just maybe….you can…tell him the truth. Okay, all jokes aside, this was an easy question to answer and post to write. (Probably why I chose it, cuz I’m feeling all kinds of lazy tonight.) This is easy for me because you need to be honest. The absolute worst thing you can do to the poor guy is drag it out and make him feel even worse while you ignore him. You absolutely need to put your big girl pants on and face this head on. Everyone knows I love lists…so here goes.
- Tell him right away.
- Tell him in person and directly
- If you absolutely can’t meet up with him, at least do it on the phone (I really do prefer the in person method)
- Be gentle but honest
- Keep it short and sweet-no need to spend two hours with the dude your dumping (Like a bandaid..just do it quickly)
- Send him an email
- Text him (it’s a different version of the above)
- Use any cliché lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You just deserve a better person than me.” Its bogus and obvious..for realsies.
- Turn it into a “Let’s pick on the poor guy getting dumped.” (Sometimes in an order to feel better people like to become confrontational and start picking on the person they are dumping…it helps them feel better about being the bad guy.)
- Just disappear (This is one of the crappiest things you can do to a person. They deserve closure.)
- Lie (The truth might hurt but lies are no bueno.)
- Sink to his level if he gets angry. (If he does start a fight..just walk away. I mean you just broke up with him. It’s not like you have to deal with him again. Please try to be the bigger person and walk away.)
Moral: Breaking up with someone is HARD. However, if you have really made up your mind and you feel this is best…get it over with. It never pays to procrastinate…especially when I am sure you are nervous and the tension is building. The quicker you do it, the sooner you and him can move on. Plus…doesn’t he deserve to know sooner rather than later? I know it’s hard, but do the right thing and be done with it. I wish you the absolute best with this venture….seriously, I know it sucks. I’ve broken up with men before too. Good luck!
Until Next Time….Ciao
Also, lies can escalate into bigger lies..Kinda like Chandler below. (You don’t want to have to buy a fake ticket to Yemen. If I really tried to lie, this is exactly how it would backfire on me. Ha!)
June 15, 2012 changed my life. That was the day I had to look my children in the eyes and tell them they will never see their father again. That was the day I began to carry a burden that almost crushed me. That was the day I realized-I mean really realized-that life was terribly short. One moment in time can change your whole life. I can’t explain how that feels. I can’t explain how it feels to break your own children’s hearts. I can’t explain what it’s like to be left holding everyone together and to not have one moment to breakdown yourself or anyone to listen…to have to be strong and to be helpless at the same time. I hope you never know.
A dear friend told me today that she doesn’t understand how I managed it. She proceeded to say she doesn’t know how I still handle it. I let her know I sometimes still get shocked by it but that I do not dwell on it. In fact, every day gets a little easier and acceptance continues to sink in. Ironically, the SAME day the women in my office were talking about a father/son event. One of my employees innocently said, “I don’t know how you handle it. Fathers are so important to sons. They must miss him a lot.” I think it’s funny how something said with such innocence can bring back all the panic that helplessness always manages to bring out in me. I kinda shrugged it off and went to the bathroom where I cried a little. (This is a good girls guide so I have to be honest.) However, I can’t stand it when women turn on the waterworks all the time. I try soooo hard to not cry. It seems like the tears fall so easily over the last couple of years. I try to do it in private.
However, each day really is better. Each moment is just a little bit easier. I have begun to enjoy the small things again and to look forward to a bright future. I have found a vulnerability in myself that enables me to love life and people in such a different way than before he died. I am stronger. Loss and grief are bad….but they are not the end of the world. My children will heal. I am breathing again. I am happy again.
Moral???? The moral isn’t poor me or poor you or even my poor kids. The moral is that grief is a process. I realized today that it’s the journey that matters. My sons are good. They are strong. They still laugh. My mother in law is surviving and trying to heal. Most of us in this world are just trying to make our way through it. When life seems to be at its darkest, I encourage you to remember the clock is still ticking. Life doesn’t stop. You can stumble and you can cry but we all need to move on. You can heal and thrive or you can wallow in the loss. The choice is up to you. Please try to make it a good choice.
Until Next Time here’s a song I can relate to…Ciao!
Thank you to Relationships Reinvented for nominating me for the Blog of the Year Award. I am flattered and honored because I really love your blog! Thank you and thank you and thank you! 2013 was a trip. I have grown more in the last year than I could ever imagine. While I am definitely ready to reach a point of stability and security in my life, I am just not there yet. I am hopeful! I am happy! I am lame!! (oops that slipped)
Writing helps me but so does reading what the talented writers of the Word Press community have to share as well as trying to help the people who contact me. It is on that note that I will share the rules of the award…..but first go to Relationships Reinvented’s blog. It’s impressively written by twin flames that were able to unite. Pretty neato!
The ‘rules’ for this award are simple:
1. Select another blog(s) who deserve the award;
2. Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award;
3. Include a link back to this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award and provide these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)
4. Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them
5. You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience.
6. As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…
I love ALL the blogs I follow. I may not always comment, but I’m always reading.
- Dating Dramas of a Thirty Something: She is waiting for her happily ever after…I get it. So am I!
- A Series of Very Bad Decisions: Dating does suck. Her blog consists of her struggles in finding a suitable suitor. Plus she’s funny!
- Like Crazy: She was one of the first blogs I started following. I love reading about her college, romantic and life adventures.
- Break Room Stories: Hilarious! It’s a blog about the life of a waiter. It actually includes many contributors.
- Why I Can’t Stop Reading: It’s a book review blog! Do I really need to say anything else. I love me some books!
- Vegas Thoughts: He takes podcasts of Vegas nightlife. You know I am born and raised here but I don’t really “know” the nightlife. I chose a different path when I was in my 20′s and I am actually kinda sheltered. The videos are entertaining!
- Chin up Chest High: A blog about a man and his struggles in love and life. I enjoy reading your posts and they usually give me a different perspective.
- Congeez: She’s a fairly new blogger but I will always admire a strong-willed and independent woman.
There are sooo many more I could highlight. These are really only a handful but they are worth checking out. I know many people tease about the blog awards but I think at the minimum they are a way to support other writers. I love the fact that ANYONE reads what I write and I am especially flattered that they liked it enough to nominate me. For now I will say thanks again, Happy New Year, and keep writing!
Look out 2014!!! Here I come!
Until Next Time….Ciao
You probably shouldn’t be dating if you are off the hook crazy! Derr.. Seriously, I believe an important part of dating is being in the correct mindset. If you are searching for romance for the wrong reasons, then you are cooking with a recipe for disaster. I LOVE lists! So here’s a list of reasons why someone SHOULD NOT be dating.
- You should not be dating if you are on the rebound. (Booooooooy Howdy I get it. I’ve had to voluntarily walk away from someone I loved before because he was no longer good for me. I’ve felt heart ache. The kind of pain that you would do ANYTHING to dull. However, if you are dating on the rebound, you are most likely going to get hurt or hurt the other person. Take the time to heal first. It’s better for you..I promise.)
- You should not be dating if you are looking to be complete. (I do not believe in this style of dating. If you are not satisfied with yourself, how in the world can you satisfy someone else? I do understand but trust me….there is no white night or secret princess that is going to magically solve your problems. I waited on Superman a long time…trust me on this.)
- You should not be dating if you NEED love. (Okay before everyone jumps on me…let me explain. I know a girl who was dating someone for two weeks and declared love to someone. She has given him keys, garage door codes…everything. This is a horrible idea. How can anyone possible really love someone in that amount of time? The truth is she is probably going to be devastatingly hurt when all is said and done. She needs to be loved so bad that she latched on to the first decent man she met. Love yourself first. Love yourself and then take the time to know if someone is worthy of your love. We all want to be loved…just be sure you love yourself first.)
- You should not be dating if your personal life is a mess. (If you are all over the place emotionally, there is no need to be dating. How is that fair to the other person? Get it together first..no it doesn’t need to be perfect but if you are still living with your ex or have kids struggling with major issues that need your full-time attention..ummm maybe work that out first? We all have problems but the basics need to be together before you endeavor to date.)
AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE
- You should not be dating if you need to see a Psychiatrist. (I am a big advocate of counseling. Most people could use it. HOWEVER I am going to share the story below. It is a true story. I mean ya can’t make stuff like this up yo!)
A man and woman had a chance encounter in a parking lot at the mall. They hit it off. They went on several dates. On the fourth date their relationship became physical..(Psst: As in they were getting ready to have sex dude.) They began to take off their clothes. Things were getting err steamy. The woman suddenly bursts out in to tears and begins to sob. She confessed that she had been abused by her father. She cried and cried about how her ex husband didn’t really love her. I mean she was hysterical! “Why doesn’t anyone want me?” she exclaimed at the top of her lungs. All my male friend could think about is how quickly he could get out of there as he tried to console her. He did not see her again. Bless her heart. She needs to seek therapy post-haste. I am not belittling her issues or her pain but…she shouldn’t be dating.
Advice: Dating is hard enough. The act of opening yourself up and allowing someone to learn more about you is a major feat. Be sure that when you do, you are in the correct mindset.
Until Next Time…Ciao!
Someone slap me! Okay not so hard! (It was a figure of speech..geesh) Seriously, I have major issues. I am at the point in my relationship where I am scared to death. I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I am waiting for him to let me down and majorly disappoint me.I am deeply in love, vulnerable, happy and I am waiting for the hurt. What in the world happened to me?
I used to be so fearless. I used to be so confident. I never thought about the rejection. I never thought about the let down. I am seriously scared. I can’t even begin to work through it. If someone wrote this as a question to me, my advice would be so easy. I would advise the person to be honest about his/her feelings. The problem is that the person I am in love with sucks at communicating. I find it very ironic that I FINALLY understand myself well enough to communicate my feelings and I am with someone who can’t. Well…I am with someone who can’t communicate them well. In an effort to be fair, he probably isn’t scared though…I am. He isn’t the one with all the insecurity. I am not insecure as a woman. I am insecure about anyone really loving me enough to make me a lifelong priority. A real commitment. The real deal…ya know? Damn, I am such a loser. What happened?
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. To be honest, if I had realized the emotional shape I was in, I would have never fallen in love again. I don’t think I can take another major loss in my life. Ummm…I don’t think I can take it well. I am a freaking punk! However, it’s too late. The little girl who still believes in happy endings just CAN’T run away from someone she loves. I have never been able to. It always takes a near destruction to get me to turn away from someone I am in love with. Although I am scared, there is still a part of me that wants that happy ending. A normal, simple life of partnership with someone I totally trust. (When I say trust, I am not referring to something as obvious as cheating…I mean a deeper trust of unconditional love.) So I’ve been feeling silly. I’ve been looking for any sign that it’s not going to work out. I’ve been searching for a reason that tells me it’s time to walk away before I am rejected. About a week ago something just snapped in me. I decided am tired of worrying about it. I am tired of worrying if someone is going to end up not being who I thought they were. I felt much better once I made that decision. Then I spent all this quality time this week with him..much more than normal and I started being scared again. I don’t want to need anyone or to get used to someone being around…that might hurt me again. Geez Louise..I’m a nut. I’m a nut with issues who’s also a punk. Yeah…that sums it up. I wish I could talk to him about it. Boy howdy, I swear if I realized my issues before falling in love, I would not have subjected anyone else to them. Especially someone as special as the man I am seeing.
Moral: I just really had to get this out. I discover many things by answering the emails that come to me looking for advice such as:
1. It’s easier to give advice than follow it
2. We all have the same basic needs and desires.
3. Most people want to be loved and to be happy.
If I help someone by sharing…rock on! I know it helps me to confess my stupidity. At the minimum its therapeutic. I am going to have to defer to GOD on this one. I am placing my trust in him. He knows what I need. Change is a very slow process my friends. Do not expect to fix all of your issues overnight. It is slow and it is painful. Real change occurs by stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing forward. Real change is created by doing different things than you normally would. Change be hard yo…
Until Next Time…Ciao!