This year I am in a different place than I was last year. Last year the death of my sons’ father was fresh. The shock of it all still heavy on my heart. While I still cry tears occasionally at night over his premature death, everyone in our family is slowly and surely adjusting. Last year I was really alone and just focused on putting one foot in front of the other while pretending I had it all together. I literally just prayed for the season to end. I dated, but I dated poorly and with a timidity and naivety that drew bad men and dangerous situations to me. I actually started this blog during the holiday season and I swear it saved me from myself. It helped me push through a sad and lonely time. I realized around this time last year that I do not need anyone. I may want someone, but I do not NEED anyone but myself and GOD to be happy. This year is much better but I am still blue. I know this is a happy time of year.
It should be full of love and family time and eating pie..I mean who doesn’t like all those carbs floating around? I feel at such a loss this time of year and I must admit I feel alone. I think maybe in a past life I had a huge family and the sense of being alone is amplified by the latent memories of what I once had? Maybe? I have no idea. It’s not like I used to have these great childhood holidays. My holidays were filled with disappointment. In fact, I am so fortunate now. I am in such a safer and happier place than I was as a child. I really have nothing to be so sad about. Why do I and so many feel so blue during a celebratory time of the year? Well my friends I do not have an answer. I suspect the answer is different for everyone. I’ve been searching my feelings all week since the sadness hit me. I hate being a whiner. However, my conclusion is that I just need security and stability. It has been such a rough two years. Such an emotional era of my life and during a point in my life where I have to be the one everyone leans on. There’s been no one for me to really lean on and that’s cool…but I’m tired now. I need an era of stability. My soul is craving security and stability. Everything has been outside of my comfort zone. I need some dang comfort. I’m tired of being in unfamiliar water. I’m tired of being the strong one and I am tired of being tired. Now I am tired of complaining about it in this post. Ha! Do I have a point in this long rant??? Why yes I do..thank you for asking.
Moral: Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you should let it affect your decisions. I am writing this for friends that will never read it and for friends I have not met that I hope can relate. I personally know two people right now that are making desperate romantic decisions based on their need to have someone. I think it is due to this time of year. Please do not let the holidays do that. You are okay alone. I wrote something comparable last year. Last year I was a hot mess during the holidays. I was grief-stricken and in shock and I still managed to not settle for just any man..no matter how tempted I was. This year, I have met someone who really matters to me. Amidst all the chaos of the last two years…I have found myself really caring about someone again. Before I found him, I had to find my smile all by myself. Where we are at right now is just a season. Nothing else. It will pass. Remember..you’re okay alone and it’s okay to feel sad even if you’re not alone. Sometimes, real strength comes from endurance..not in victory.
Until Next Time…Ciao!
Don’t hate the player, hate the game! No really, blame the player. However, sometimes a player doesn’t know they are playing. Just for fun, I googled “definition of a player.” Here is one of my favorite ones.
a guy who:
(1) doesn’t understand the meaning of relationship
(2) is in full reproductive mode
(3) is very good at making girls think he is into them (also very proficient at breaking said girls hearts)
(4) often “dates” several girls (girls are often unaware of each other)
(5) is an asshole!don’t hate the player, hate the game? yeah right!
playerA man or woman who hooks up with many different persons but commits to none and in that process ends up hurting some of those involved but there is a difference between player and asshole listed below as 1 and 2 and players generally being happy people until they are caught are opposites of the player hater who only hates because he can’t play or lost or has a girl who got her heart broke by one and is insecure1 Male or female that has a lot of one night stands or short relationships with many people at once 2 Female or male who has several long-term aka ” i love you” relationships and tricks each into thinking she’s/he’s the one
PlayerA man or woman who intentionally or unintentionally “plays” or misleads someone during the course of a relationship.1. The male/female may know they are not looking for the same things but proceed to manipulate the other party for personal gain such as a. money b. sex c. convenience2. The male/female may not realize they are not ready for a monogamous relationship yet attempt to develop one only to end up hurting the other party involved. This may be due to a. maturity level b. ignorance c. past baggage or emotional damage d. mental issues
Do you know anyone who just can’t lose? They CAN NOT give up on an argument. It may go something like this:
Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were fat. I told you I think you’re great.
Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to insult me?
Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. Why am I punished for being honest?
Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.
Person 1: This is ridiculous. I am wrong for being honest.
This one is kinda obvious. Big effin derr you should not comment on someone’s size. (No this did not happen to me. If it had, I would be writing this post from Clark County Jail due to Assault and Battery charges. I happen to have a squeaky clean criminal record.) I am using it as an example only…and yes it is extreme and obvious. Many people think the art of winning in any real relationship is to be right. We have all made mistakes. Perhaps you did not mean to hurt someone’s feelings. Perhaps you messed up. Perhaps you are the one who was truly right. I challenge you to think the situation through before you push for victory.
- Are you really winning if the other party still feels hurt?
- Does it matter more to prove a point than it does to resolve the situation? (If it does…rock on..but if you are the type of person that can’t EVER be wrong, you need a reality check.)
- How important is it? (It may BE important. When I am really on a mission, I use my infamous single track mind to reach success. Do not back down if it is vital. However, if it will not affect me in the long run, if it does not push past a boundary I have set, if the other person’s feelings or happiness matter more…I can relent. I can give. I do not need to win every battle. My pride is not an issue when it comes to matters of the heart or even in matters of business strategy.)
- Have you thought about it through the other person’s perspective? (Are you using compassion? Are you being fair? Are you overlooking the persons perspective?)
- Please remember “winning” isn’t everything. It is only important when the issue REALLY matters..ie:boundary.
So let’s rework the earlier argument.
Person 1: I can’t believe you’re upset over the fact I said you were bigger. I told you I think you’re great.
Person 2: Why would you think it’s not wrong to call me a name?
Person 1: I just said you were bigger than you used to be. I know it was not right to say. I apologize. I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose those words.
Person 2: I never asked for you to tell me what your thoughts were on my weight.
Person 1: I understand, I really do.
At this point the conversation should be over.It is not good for either party to continue. Let.It.Go. The worst thing you can do is continue to hold it against someone. In fact, I used to be very guilty of this. I try very hard to no longer bring up a partner or friends past mistakes. What good does it do? I have found it to be counterproductive. Is it right to continuously punish someone for a mistake? No it is not. The art of winning is not only that you don’t always have to win. The second part is that just because you were wronged doesn’t mean that you can place the victory in your artillery chest to pull out for later. DO NOT go down this path my friends. If you are always throwing stuff in your partners face they will get tired of it. They will feel like they can never redeem themselves. We are human and therefore we are flawed. Forgiveness can be its own form of winning. So… Let.It.Go. As a bonus, it’s also really good for you too!
Advice for today? Sometimes it is better to resolve the situation. A relationship isn’t a scorecard. I will reiterate that you need to have boundaries in place…but sometimes winning doesn’t mean you win. Sometimes, you need to show understanding, love and support more than proving a point. Also, if you are wronged in a relationship, forgive and forget once resolution has been achieved. If we were repeatedly punished for every mistake we ever made, life would be rough yo. As long as it has been resolved, let it go. Grab the pain/hurt/anger and throw it out with the trash….cuz that’s where it belongs.
Until Next Time….Ciao!
Thank you my dear Audrey for the nifty, neato nomination! I am always honored that anyone reads the junk I write. I appreciate it more than I can put in words. It’s just super, off-the-hook cool!
So thank you to the lovely and remarkable Audrey of Like Crazy. I’m not one to buy into conspiracy theories, but if you don’t visit her site you’re doomed for one week of bad hair days. It’s true…I read it on the internet.
The point of the award is to recognize the giver and to pay it forward to other bloggers..
Here are da rulz:
Display the Award Certificate on your blog.
Announce your win with a post. Make sure you post a link back to me as a ‘thank you’ for the nomination.
Present 15 awards to 15 deserving bloggers.
Leave them a comment to let them know after you have linked them to a post.
Post 7 interesting things about yourself.
Seven Interesting things:
1. If I were I song, I’d be “Every Woman” probably the Whitney Houston version because that’s my era.
2. I love 2 Chainz, Taylor Swift, Prince and One Republic. I don’t know whats wrong with me.
3. My top three favorite men in Hollywood (my absolute fav’s) are Alexander Skaarsgard, Fifty Cent, and Channing Tatum. In that order…I love variety.
4. I watch Shrek, Space Jams, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit alone..I don’t care..I love it! (Like Icono Pop)
5. I dream in color and quite often have conversations and see memories of people who I no longer speak with or who have passed away. I’ve had dreams so real, I wake up in tears.
6. I’ve never had a one night stand
7. I believe in reincarnation AND I’m Christian
Now here are my fantastic nominees..go check them out please! (I LOVE every.single.blog I follow!)
6. Smile Calm
10. An Open Secret
15. Reject Reality
I pulled up at the convenient store that is conveniently around the corner from my office at lunch. As I stepped in to get my usual fix of Bubblicious Bubble Gum, a man followed me in. He proceeded to make some very specific comments about very specific parts of my body while he chatted on the phone. Picture…Puff Daddy meets Jay Z but not even in the same hemisphere of coolness. In my normal fashion I walk by in full Ice Queen mode, head held high and shoulders back, and do not make eye contact. As I am leaving, he was at the gas pump and yells from across the parking lot, “Hey!” I ignore him because I am really quite good at being an Ice Queen. He yells out, “Hello!” Finally, I turn as I am putting my key in the car door (um yes…I do not have a key fob…that’s how I roll yo) and I say hello back. Puff Daddy Z quickly gets in his brand new Mercedes and races towards me in his car. At this point I am stuck. He says, “Girl blah freaking blah you can fill in the blanks and a few comments about my sexiness.” I reply, “Thank you I am seeing someone.” He asked, “Are you sure?” I answer, “Yeah I am pretty sure,” He responded with a few more insinuations about how successful he is and a few more that amount to what a shame it is I am unavailable. Hey, he did pay me a few compliments so I thanked him as nicely as I could. He was kinda pushy though so I ended up being a little rude. By rude I mean I told him, “This conversation is over now. Good bye.” I giggled over the look on his face after I told him that as I drove back to work. I am sorta childish like that. Although, the little episode did get me thinking.
****Qualifier: I am not necessarily saying I am so beautiful that men are always fawning over me. I am relatively easy on the eyes and every once in a while, I am REALLY some dudes type****
The episode got me thinking about his approach. First of all I would have lied to him and said I was seeing someone even if I was single. However, I gotta wonder how often his technique works? I also wish I knew why I was a magnet for men that think their new car or impressive job or what-the-hell-ever else they have to show off is enough to grab my interest. It’s really ironic because none of it matters to me. Not.At.All. All that floss is just entirely wasted on me. Although, I suspect many of my female counter parts in this city might care a little more…but not me. So I have become good at being rude. Chop ‘em off at the knees when they’re pushy like this cat was…that’s my motto. (Ironically the really cocky ones seem to like my attitude the most but that’s another story.) Do women really holla back? How would that conversation even go? “Gee thank you for complimenting my derriere and for so tactfully putting me on the spot in the gas station parking lot by screaming across it. All I really wanted was some bubble gum. However, now that I see you are truly a man of romance, style and compassion, I will go out with you.” Hmmmmm? Yeah I don’t see it happening.
So what’s my moral?
Gentleman: I admire tenacity. If you want something or someone, you should ask. BUT…is screaming across a parking lot or any variation of it ever a good idea? PSST: The answer is no. Also, there is no worse way to demean a woman of value than to make your first declaration of admiration a body part..I’m just gonna put that out there. Furthermore, if you ARE getting results from bragging about all your money AFTER complimenting a specific body part…beware of the woman. Just sayin.
Ladies: Don’t respond to this type of behavior….Like ever. That’s really all I have to say about that!
Until Next Time, here’s a song..just cuz!
Recently, my seven-year old son asked the man I am dating if he could become a new family member. Bless this man’s heart, he responded with, “First you would have to allow me to marry your mother.” My son looked him in the eyes and said, “Okay, you can marry my mom.” Oh.My.Goodness! I almost fell over! SHHHHH child…really? LOTS of thoughts raced through my mind at once.
- Ummm did my son just offer me up?
- Could this moment get any more awkward?
- Am I a horrible mother for getting my son attached to this man?
- How do I prepare my son for the possibility that he may not stay in our lives?
- Should I just run and hide under my bed?
All I could do is change the subject. I apologized to my boyfriend and let him know that he’s 7 and has no filter. He just really likes him and wants him around. This morning, my 7-year-old asked where (insert name here) was and I told him he lived at his own house. My son said he wished he saw him more. Now I am feeling like DOG MEAT. My sons have been through so much. I may have made a huge mistake in my own selfish effort to not be alone.
A friend called me yesterday and I asked for his advice. I mistakenly asked for his advice. My friend lectured me on the fact that if the man I am seeing is not willing to commit than I am being used and dating someone afraid of commitment. WHAT THE WHAT? I was hoping for advice on my son and how to handle it. Instead my friend told me that after 6 months, this guy should know what he wants from me. Then he started grilling me. Have you had a talk about the future? (Um kinda..at least I’ve stated what I want in my future) Do you think it’s funny that he is almost 40 and never been married? (No not really) When are you going to tell him what you are looking for? (Who are you to tell me what I am looking for buddy?) Has he stated how he felt about you? (Yes..He loves me and with the way things are going now, he sees a future but it is too soon.) You do realize that he can’t enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment..don’t you? (WAIT a second. We are not shacking. We are just dating. Who said we were acting married? What are YOU smoking?)
This stemmed a long conversation about how you HAVE to know by now. I HAVE to know and he HAS to know. Otherwise, it is a game and I am being used. Well…it really hasn’t been THAT long..ya know…and REALLY this whole conversation started over my guilt about my youngest son. When my boyfriend tells me that as of “now” he sees a future, he is clearly not ready. I never even thought about it until this entire debate with my friend started. I am NEVER going to mention marriage EVER again to someone I date like I did with my ex. I had the “talk” with me ex. I explained how I didn’t want the kids attached and that’s why I don’t let him over a lot. My exes response was hilarious (now it’s hilarious..it really pissed me off at the time.) My ex said, “Are you looking for me to take on you and the kids?” (Take on? Say what sucka? Like we need help financially..um cuz we don’t, we get along just fine financially all by ourselves.. or we are some type of heavy baggage..I was shocked.) I discovered that you just don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear an answer to. Ironically by the time he was ready to commit there had been so many insinuations that me and my children were a burden, I had already decided that I did not really want to marry someone what viewed my family that way. Ironic huh?
I told my friend there is no way that will happen again. Hell, I want to marry someone who really wants me and that I don’t have to worry about how he feels. My kids freaking rock and that’s how I want the man I marry to feel. I hate time stamping anything but I will not wait around for a man to be sure forever…BUT is 7.5 months really that long? My friends whole point is that my boyfriend should be sure now. Finally, I stopped the conversation. I told him I was sick of talking about my love life. Why don’t we talk about his? That shut him the hell up. heehee…I like it when I am savvy and mature.
MORAL??? Well I have asked a few people about this magical and mystical 6 month mark. Ironically…they agreed! The jury is still out for me on that one. I mean who can put a time frame on something? I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t wish there was a magical number…because I kinda do. Although, I believe with my entire heart that GOD knows best. It’s HIS plan, not mine. I will say that if it doesn’t work out, I am not bringing another man into their lives for a long long time. I can’t be the kind of mom that keeps getting them attached to men. My little guy is just sooooo in love with my boyfriend and even my teenager really admires him. I have seen him put his guard down and trust my boyfriend and that is saying something after the tragedy. I can’t keep doing it to them. What can I say?? I just have a feeling about this one and have almost since I met him. That’s why I let him in so fast. If it doesn’t work, I clearly can’t trust my own judgement. I can’t break my kids heart over and over so I won’t be alone. I know people come and go. I’m a big girl who has discovered people can leave. It’s the kids I gotta think about. If you are a single parent dating I caution you to be careful too. You deserve to find love but….just be aware.
Until Next Time…Ciao!
We all interpret love through different ways. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a must read if you are looking to expand that type of knowledge. For example, you could be with someone who needs words of affirmation and your normal method of expressing love is through gift giving. This could lead to a hot mess if you’re not careful. Learning about the five love languages is an excellent way to discover how your significant other feels love and possibly improve your relationship through understanding. Below are the five languages the author refers to.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
I took the test and was not surprised by my primary love language (Acts of Service.) This means I feel most loved when people are helping me. This did not shock me. I feel loved when my significant other demonstrates acts of service. (Ironic that it has always been so hard for me to ASK for help..but that’s another story.)This could mean with a project, fixing a chair or helping me with errands. However, it doesn’t have to be a household repair. It can even be as simple as someone thinking of me first and remembering to include me. The key to making me feel loved (yes I am using me as an example in order to illustrate) is simple. However, if someone breaks a promise or doesn’t help or helps others but never me-I take it twice as hard as most people because it is my primary love language. If I need acts of service to feel loved and the reverse is given….I feel…drum roll please…..unloved. No amount of “I love you’s” will change that. I am enlightened enough to already know this about myself. Too many people can say they love you. I’m on the lookout for the ones who show it when it counts most. Although, I was surprised by my secondary love language-Quality Time.
I was shocked because it kind of shatters the illusion of my oh so independent nature. I have several hobbies and I work full-time and I am raising two children. However, when I think about it, I do feel loved when someone wants to spend time with me. The key for me is not quantity per se. The key is QUALITY. I need focused attention…err sometimes. This means when I feel ignored, I feel unloved. This also means when someone genuinely shows interest in my day/experience/life on a consistent basis, I feel loved. People who need quality time aren’t always about having every free moment with someone. It’s about that person taking the time to inquire about that person..to listen and to offer support. I am always irritated by someone who never bothers to ask me anything. How can I share my life with someone if they never SHOW me they care enough to ask? I immediately interpret it as a lack of interest and feel…..drum roll……unloved. I scored the lowest on Gift Receiving. I like gifts! However, I do not need them to feel loved. Although, this is not to dismiss other people’s need for a gift to feel loved. Perhaps this person does not need something as serious as a new car (not everyone in this category is a gold digger.) Maybe that person needs a small token of being thought of-flowers, romantic card, etc. Now HERE’S the tricky part in a relationship.
Moral: A relationship isn’t just about YOU or ME. (I know, I know…crazy right???) A real relationship is about the other person too. If you are in a relationship, try to think about what the OTHER person needs in order to feel loved. Do you love her/him? If so..make an effort to figure it out. Communication is not just about complaining, it is about talking and learning and discovering. Ask questions and do not assume you have them figured out. I guarantee you…you aint that smart..none of us are. These are the hard tasks of a healthy relationship. If the communication is successful, it is well worth the investment. To not care about the other partners needs is to create resentment and the eventual demise of the relationship. Trust me..been there, done that.
****DISCLAIMER: This is all my humble opinion. If you think this is all a load of poop..okay. That’s your right. If you are in love with someone and facing challenges, I think it might be worth exploring. What can it hurt? I’m not saying it’s the gospel truth. I am suggesting that it is worth reading. Take it for what it’s worth yo****
Until Next Time…I left the link to the authors website below. Check it out…maybe? CIAO!
I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while now. Today I received an email that enabled me to start on this post again.
I have been dating this guy for about three months. He calls me regularly for about two weeks and then disappears. He always asks me out on last-minute dates. The dates go well but then he disappears. Why do you think he does that?
Here are 5 signs that you are the back up date:
- The person calls you regularly then disappears
- The person shows interest and then runs cold for periods of time
- The object of your affection always asks you out at the last-minute (once in a while is ok, but always is a red flag)
- He/she is not moving forward in the relationship (if it’s been months and you still only see him/her once a week..there might be an issue.)
- He/she demonstrates random behavior (calls a lot, stops calling. Always responds to text messages, then stops. It’s really a continuation of number 2.)
I am sorry Anonymous. I think there is a strong chance you are the back-up date. My advice is to stop seeing him. I would let him know that you are looking for a more consistent relationship. Be honest and then walk away. You can’t make someone want to make you a priority. I know that sucks and it hurts (I’ve been there) but if you walk away now, you can find someone who DOES want to make you a priority. Good luck my friend! To my male friends (and female) please drop this attitude. There is no point in dating just to date…not when you’re a grown up.
Until Next Time…Ciao!
Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like punching someone in the face? I mean if one more person demands something of you or even looks at you they are going to see you get full-on crazy! It has a spiraling effect. Little things start to bother you. That car better stop riding so close to me. My employee better start SELLING something. I mean, say what one more time! Boohoo I am sleeping alone or should I say NOT sleeping alone. How dare someone not know intuitively that you wanted someone to commiserate with you and then distract you? How can they not psychically know you wanted to be comforted? Damn them!
The truth is my problems are my own and they always have been. I am responsible for my own happiness and always have been. Every once in a while I am humbled by this truth. My pastor was addressing this last Sunday. He discussed that 90% of everything we do is in reaction to what is done to us. We have very little control over what happens to us. Our real control is how we respond. The key is to show the same grace we are given. To act out of love. Boy howdy that’s hard to do. So here’s the good news to my post.
It’s okay to have one of those days. Just try to contain the damage….I think I could have done a lot worse tonight. I am ornery! (Not sure how much grace I showed but baby steps!) For a little while I felt like chewing on glass. I mean I was getting on my own nerves. I don’t want to be mean to anyone so I avoided people. Tonight I have no vent, no outlet, and here I am at 12am not asleep. Uggh! But……it’s okay. Advice: Just breathe…this too shall pass. Also, realize it’s just one of those days. Until next time..here’s a song.
A dear friend paid me a huge compliment yesterday. She told me I am such a stronger and different person than I used to be? I asked her to explain. My friend replied with, “You have always been strong but ever since the tragedy, your whole outlook has shifted. Your priorities are different and your optimism is even better but at the same time you seem wiser.” (No I DID NOT pay her to say it. I know someone went there.) It’s ironic she said that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different I feel.
I feel different in many ways. Damn do I feel different. I am longer afraid of putting my emotions out in the open. Life is short and I never want to let a moment pass without someone knowing how I feel. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to take for granted one single second of my life. If I had the money to pay off my student loans or travel to Europe, I would choose Europe hands down. Life is short. When I die I do not want to think: I’ve never even been to New York City but at least my student loans were paid off. Life is just too precious. I don’t want to watch life, I want to live it. I never realized young people could die randomly. I never knew the selfish actions of one person could change everything. I guess I did but I never thought it could happen to me until someone close to me died. I don’t view things the same way. My priorities ARE different. I can let things go easier. I don’t care about conquering the world anymore. I care about living in it. Of course not all change is good.
I feel more exposed than I ever have. The vulnerability in me is so noticeable to me (maybe not to others) but I feel it profoundly because it’s never been there before. I feel more alone than I ever have. I never realized what a lack of family meant until I needed one to lean on. I am very happy with my life. I am very blessed. I am not complaining. There just seems to be a weight that presses down on me from time to time as responsibilities I wasn’t prepared for make their appearance. I guess GOD figured I was prepared. I do feel wiser but with that comes a fear of new loss I did not have before. People can leave. People can die. Promises are broken. Things can change. People change. So do I even have a moral?
Um yeah I do. The point isn’t to talk about poor Lil Sara. The point is that change is inevitable. It will happen whether we want it or not. No one will prepare us for it. If I can look back at my outlook on life 3/5/10 years ago it is all different. Most of it is much much better. There is freedom in change. There is beauty in the consistency of change. I encourage everyone to embrace the change instead of fighting it. Do not panic when it happens…instead ride it out. Please remember…where you are right now is not where you will be in 6 months or a year or five years. Life is a journey. Make it a good one.
I am feeling deep tonight. I will leave you with his favorite bible verse. We shared it at his funeral.
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3 1-8
Until Next Time…Ciao!