Homegirl Went CRAZY

Sometimes, women go crazy.  I’ve written about this before. If you are a woman, you’ve been there or at the minimum you’ve had a girlfriend do it…but seriously, you’ve probably done it (yeah you have.) You know how it goes… We.Just.Went.Off. Now I am pretty sure I’ve outgrown most crazy behavior BUT that doesn’t mean I didn’t get drunk 6/7 months ago, get bored and drunk dialed my ex repeatedly prank calling him. It was kinda fun immature. (Yeah when you drink too much they should take away your keys AND your phone …just sayin.) I can’t speak for all women but I am passionate and with that comes intense feelings.

The last three years has been all about personal growth. I am trying VERY hard to not be so stupid.. BUT like I said I am a passionate person by nature. I feel deeply, I laugh loudly and I cry hard. Have I ever gone crazy? Well yeah..kinda…derr. By most standards I’m pretty tame. My friends don’t call me Goodie Sara for nothing but in the past I have…

• Gotten scared over nothing and broken up with a man..multiple times (yeah I know…dumb)
• Internet stalked..err snooped..yeah snooped (and he got all upset like I evaded his privacy or something..geesh calm down)
• Yeah I followed my ex husband once (in my defense that was while I was investigating the THIRD relationship he had) but I felt like a mega sleaze doing it
• Spent countless hours wondering why a guy did or did not do something (like obsessively) and then bugging the heck out of my friends for their opinions. ( oh and when I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I would argue…guess that was annoying…oops)
• Yeah I’ve thrown a few things back in the day (BUT he had it coming I swear)

I’ve seen some even crazier things!

• Had a girlfriend wait outside of her man’s house because she thought he was cheating (um he wasn’t but jealousy will kill a relationship quicker than almost anything.)
• Knew a girl who had her friend hit on her man to test his loyalty (That’s just borrowing trouble yo.)
• I’ve heard of women going through their man’s phone, wallet, and just basically invading his  privacy. (If a woman feels the need to do that, she needs to stop dating him. relationships need trust..mmmkay?)
• My mom knocked a guy unconscious once with a bat for putting his hands on her. (My mom’s got issues but she’s a  G..you don’t mess with a woman like that.)
• I knew a woman who once conducted an exorcism on her husband because he told her he didn’t want to be with her anymore. (Like full-blown exorcism including speaking in tongues.)
• The most CRAZY thing I’ve EVER seen a woman do is pull a razor blade from her mouth during an argument with her boyfriend and threaten to cut him. (I grew up in a bad neighborhood. She was not my friend but the guy was. I couldn’t even move when I saw it. There were about 5 witnesses and all of us just stood there with our jaws open. To this day I don’t know how or why she kept a razor blade under her tongue…GHETTO and CRAZY right?)

I only decided to write about this because I’ve made a couple of observations recently.

1. Have you ever noticed that at least 90% of the men you talk to claim their exes are crazy?
2. When I feel insecure I feel significantly more irrational than normal.

I can’t help but wonder if that many women are crazy? How can that be possible? Also, why do I stop being the intelligent woman I normally am when I start feeling insecure with my love interest? I can know I am being stupid and still occasionally behave stupidly. Uggh. Let’s consider the first point.

Do you think that many women are crazy? I don’t. I do think it’s possible that many women can BEHAVE crazily. ****Let me qualify this with, I am not referring to really insane women like homegirl who pulled a razor blade. I am not qualified to say I understand that kind of crazy. I am referring to the over the top, emotional and yes irrational outbursts women can have.**** How does the average women go cray cray?

Easily my friends..very easily. Why? I think it’s because of insecurity. Remember women have 3 basic needs: 1. emotional security, 2. physical security, and 3. financial security. I’m not just basing this off of me.  No I don’t think every woman is insecure. I think we can feel insecure during a relationship. Maybe the man is not providing what she needs as far as security; or maybe it’s in her head..I don’t know…yet…but I’m working on it.

So here’s my early theory by way of using myself as an example: I am pretty confident. I am physically fit and emotionally stable..(I can be stupid but I’m stable.) However, I used to be challenged with the invariables I can’t control in a relationship. Why has he not called? Why is he distant? Why, why, why..blah blah blah..stupid, stupid, stupid (this is the behavior I am referring to as stupid. Please don’t be offended, we have all done it as women)….BUT once I realized my text was not going to be responded to in the next um…5 minutes, I would grow unsettled, uncertain and then mad. In fact it’s probably worse for an independent and confident woman to then start feeling insecure.  I didn’t know what the feelings meant. So maybe I festered. Then the next time I spoke with him, I threw it in his face with a sharp tongue. Maybe I even waited like um…3 weeks to do it. (I’m being real so women can know they are not alone…so don’t judge me.) This leaves the poor man thinking, “What’s this crazy chic talking about?”  Maybe it was worse than that but maybe I don’t want to share all that..mmkay? Ya get the point I’m sure. I felt bad over an unintentional slight, didn’t properly communicate it and let the small and tiny issue explode. oops again!

What’s my moral? I promise I have one.

Ladies: Don’t go too crazy or you will lose the man. I know it is hard. I can only tell you what I do (what I have done in the past while in a long term relationship.) When you start to feel crazy/jealous/angry take a deep breath and consider the reasons why. Quite often, I will pray for clarity or for GOD to remove insecurity out of my heart-this really works for me. After I take a breath and really think, the feelings go away.

Men: Women need security. This means even if you think she is being ridiculous or emotional (she may not be for the record) that you need to stop and assure her or realize the why behind the actions. I get that it’s probably very draining to do that but if you care for her, she needs gentle reassurance. (Now if she’s truly crazy, RUN; but if she’s feeling slightly insecure and only behaving crazily, reassure her.) Even super independent, strong women crave security in a relationship. In many ways I need that reassurance more because letting go and being truly vulnerable and open to love is hard for me.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

What You MEANT Doesn’t Matter..derr

At what point are we accountable for our own actions? I get bad actions as the result of trauma or issues. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years and my mother is a drug addict. I am compassionate to the fact that I understand it’s an illness. Some people argue that it’s not. I watched a good man battle demons he could not control. I watched him become someone he secretly despised which just fed the disease. BUT at what point does that excuse people from their actions? I may get some angry emails from this but I’m sorry it doesn’t matter. Man is defined by his actions. I just don’t care about the disease or the why. I only care about the selfish actions. I only care about the results. For example: You may be an alcoholic but at what point is it your fault for tormenting people in a drunken rage? The first time? The second? The 100th? I believe in forgiveness but I also believe in not allowing someone to continuously hurt me on the grounds that they didn’t mean to. So someone’s been hurt or has an addiction and is now treating others poorly. Why should he/she get a pass? I have no free pass. Why should you? In my humble opinion, the only people who get a pass are children. However, once they grow up they are also accountable for their actions. We are accountable. I could apply this to so many aspects of life. I worry about a society that thinks it can justify anything with, “he had a terrible home life.” Give me a break. No one better ever use that on me. I have had things happen to me too. I only mention it because if you are scarred that’s okay. We all have scars. I have a scar literally on my face to remind me of my childhood. It’s okay to have a history. I am not judging that.  It’s okay.

What’s NOT okay is to justify actions on the grounds of he/she didn’t mean it. I am not saying don’t forgive. It’s not about that. Forgiveness is divine. I suppose boundaries apply here.  I have seen girlfriends of mine hurt over and over because her husband doesn’t mean to do it. I have seen men cheated on over and over because they believed deep down the woman is good. I have been hurt because he didn’t mean to do it. I may not mean to do something once…but if I am repeatedly hurting someone it doesn’t matter why it only matters that I am. So like um is there a point? (yes there is) but I’m gonna be blunt about it because that’s the mood I’m in….

Ladies: Please quit trying to change some guy you’re with because he doesn’t mean to do the things he did. I can’t stress this next part enough: it doesn’t matter if he is really a good man inside. What are his actions? If he’s acting like a douche he is one. “A man is the sum of his actions…” by Gandhi, Mahatma.

Gentleman: Stop trying to turn a bad woman into a good one. Do not let yourself be fooled with drama queens (they come in all types of packages.)  ”You can’t turn no hoe into no housewife.” by Ludacris

Boom goes the dynamite.

Until next time..Ciao!

 

 

Dating Advice – Boundaries

So the coolest thing happened. I started getting emails asking for dating advice. Not hundreds (thank goodness) but quite a few! I take this as a big responsibility and I will never disclose the info to anyone BUT..I do want to talk about a common theme I am hearing about…

PLAYERS and BOUNDARIES

When I say player I am referring to anyone who is playing at dating. This could be as serious as someone who is dating multiple people for selfish purposes or as mild as someone who doesn’t really want the same things as you but can’t communicate that or doesn’t know it. He/She is playing with your feelings. This can be intentional. However just because it is not intentional doesn’t mean you should tolerate it. (post on that topic coming)

 

When I use the term boundary I mean a set of standards that you need in a relationship. These could be rigid like a certain income level or body type. Or they could be as simple as a person who is honest and doesn’t smoke cigarettes.  My boundaries are I want to be a romantic priority. I’m not giving any man my attention or my valuable time if I do not feel like I am the only love interest in his life. Another boundary is common relationship goals. I will never seriously date a man who doesn’t want a long-term commitment. (yes I mean the settle down kind of commitment) That doesn’t mean I expect every man I date to want to marry me…derr…but I need to know that there is a commonality there.

I also find it so very remarkable that at the end of the day, so many people want the same things. Regardless of age or socioeconomic status many of us just want love. I do not feel qualified to coach on that. I do not know a lot about real love to be honest and I’ve only loved two men ever…I’m lying to you and myself cuz I know it’s three but maybe I can continue to ignore the elephant in the room…ugh I’m scared and straying off topic. In fact I am not even sure if either of the men that claimed to love me did. I suspect it was more the idea of me than me because neither ever really gave as much as I did in the relationship but that’s another topic for another time. The hearts capacity to love is so infinite it is rather amazing. I also know that you can love someone who doesn’t love you. However, please don’t ask me for advice about that. Although I do feel qualified to help anyone who wants to really meet someone without playing games or getting caught up in the pettiness of dating. I GOT that one down yo!

However, as I was saying we all have these basic needs. I think sometimes in our loneliness or our longing for someone we overlook signs of trouble. Not only that but it’s like we throw out the window what we need in a relationship or our “personal boundaries.” It is a problem women and men both have. (or can have) I get it…it’s tempting. I get lonely, I definitely want to spend my life with one person but I’ve spent time writing about boundaries for a reason. If you are only dating to fill a void, you are destined to fail. The void has to be filled first and THEN you will find someone. I know this is hard. I spent some time wishing someone would fix my worries (Ok, I really wished some man would just enter my life, tell me how wonderful I am and say, “I got this Sara” and all my worries would go away)  It doesn’t work that way. I do not feel eloquent enough to write this in essay form. I am going to highlight a few common things I hear.

• When should I call him/her?  Whenever you want to. (Alert Alert to my crazy friends..do NOT call all day long. People don’t really like to be stalked) Why should you call when you want to? BECAUSE we are not playing a game. No time limit has been set up, there is no rule as to when you can/can’t call. Call him/her when you want to talk. It’s that easy.

• What do I do if he/she isn’t calling or texting back? Sometimes I wish the text was never invented. Due to the fact someone can respond ASAP to a text, a lot of people are often left wondering why the text is ignored. Maybe the person is away from the phone or maybe he/she is in a meeting. We don’t all sit by our phone. What I encourage is to look for patterns. Is the person ALWAYS slow to respond? If so, that may just be his/her M.O. However, if the person ALWAYS texts you goodnight and suddenly stops (um not for one night, it takes more than once to make a pattern) then you may have an issue. It’s all about set expectations. For example, if I always text someone good morning and good night and I stop for a few days, I am probably losing interest. I’m sorry…so many people don’t want to hear that but it’s true. If you see this PATTERN (hint more than a couple of times) my advice is to ask about it. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. This is what I would say: “Hey I noticed you’ve been a little different lately and I just wanted to ask if everything is okay” If the man asks what do I mean or plays dumb, I would respond with, “It’s not a major deal but you used to communicate with me more and I’ve noticed you no longer text me, etc..blah blah blah” The response you get will be telling. I have a real life example.

I dated a very nice Detective once. We saw each other for maybe two months. He was funny and he was a native of LV like me and we had a lot in common.  We looked good for each other on paper. (He even went to my church) When we first started dating he came out of the gate sending me flowers and writing nice things to me while calling regularly. Then he stopped calling and texting as much. However, he has a crazy job-way more intense than mine-so I thought he may just need room. I made attempts to text him to which he would not respond until the next day. Then a pattern emerged. The last four weeks I dated him, he only called on Fridays to ask me out. Well…I practice what I preach and I called him out on it. He answered with, “I’ve been busy.” So I responded with, “I understand being busy but I’m looking for something more than just a once a week hook up. It’s okay if you lost interest and we can be friends. I think you’re a great person.” He responded with, “Ok cool, take care.” NO.EFFIN.JOKE! I wasn’t pissed until he just blew it off like that. It would have been so much better if he had said, “I met someone else” or “I just didn’t feel chemistry.” Meh I don’t care anyways and it was kinda funny how quick he was like “ok bye!”

Like Napoleon Dynamite or at least that’s how I saw it..heehee. I was honest and that’s what counts. If all I wanted to do was go out on Friday nights, I would call my friends up. I don’t need a guy to go out.  WHAT HAPPENED???: I think he met someone he liked more but didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe it was as bad as I came in as a close second so he didn’t want to completely eliminate me. Who knows but he clearly lost interest and that happens my friends. My boundary is I want to be the primary romantic focus-not one of many. We will not be the perfect fit for everyone we meet.

• He/She seems so nice to me when we spend time together but then they disappear. What is your boundary? Are you okay with that behavior? There is someone for everyone but usually the majority of us are looking for more. If so, do not fall into the trap. He/She is not that into you. If they were, you would know by his/her actions. I’m sorry..I’ve been there..It hurts. Free yourself and find someone who is into you.

What’s the lesson for today???? The SECRET is to look at the behavior NOT to look at your personal feelings or err lust toward the man/woman. Does the behavior of your love interest match your personal boundaries? If it doesn’t and you find yourself making excuses and compromising your needs…you’re selling yourself short. Don’t do that…cuz you’re fabulous as you are. Alone or Not. Until next time…Ciao!

Love Songs That Suck!

I’m gonna hate a little bit. Sometimes I love me a love song. Unlike some people I know, when I am upset, love songs are not what I want to hear. In fact, all I wanna do is listen to rap music when I get in a mood like I am tonight. However, I can appreciate a beautiful song. (Just not tonight.) What I don’t get is certain songs that make no sense. If anyone reading this can offer an interpretation of one of the songs below that makes sense I would love to hear it.

So just for fun (it really is just for fun), I’ve created a list of love songs or songs of love (heehee) that I have never understood. Let the ranting begin.

• Love the One You’re With by Crosby Stills Nash-Man I’ve never liked this one. Not as a kid when my mother played it and not now. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” How depressing. I especially feel bad for the woman he refers to as being with currently. I mean. “Honey I love you cuz you’re here.” That’s how this song makes me feel.
• Creep by TLC – Yeah this may not make the love song category but I gotta include it. First let me say that I LOVE TLC. I just don’t get this song. “I love my man with all honesty but I know he’s cheating on me.” um..ok this isn’t good girlfriend. Then you hear, “Tho I might mess around, it’s only cuz I need some affection.” SO um…..why are they still together? Am I stupid to think this? I am not judging but if he’s cheating and she’s cheating—-why are they still together? That’s all I gotta say about that.
• I’d Do Anything for Love by Meatloaf – What won’t you do Meatloaf? (who kinda scares me by the way) I mean he will go to hell and back for love. That’s a lot! I wish he would make a sequel and tell us what he won’t do. I need closure…just sayin
• She Loves You by the Beatles – I also LOVE the Beatles and I get this is just a catchy lil number but it made the list for the Top 50 Love Songs of All Time..really? http://www.billboard.com/articles/list/1538839/top-50-love-songs-of-all-time?list_page=2
• Unfaithful by Rihanna – I LOATHE this song. When it comes on the radio, I change the channel out of principle. Such a beautiful melody and voice wasted by this. “He’s more than a man and this is more than love, the reason why the sky is blue……and to him I can’t be true.” This whole song is about how she madly loves the man she keeps cheating on. I.Don’t.Get.It. I really don’t. It’s so easy..stop it girlfriend. derr…

I know that some people don’t get why I like the music I do..I just do. Sometimes it’s the anger or the ego behind it. Sometimes the dancer in me just likes the beat. I guess I’m different..pun intended..This song below is one of my favorites. It’s the type of music that can momentarily distract me from depression or anxiety. (but the mother in me has to warn you to not listen if your kids are around or if you’re easily offended by bad language.) I’m not…so there.

Moral for today? Well…If I were to really stretch I guess I could offer that it does not matter what type of music you like as long as you find comfort in it…but that’s REALLY stretching it. Let’s just call it a fun post. Until next time..Ciao!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2QKlmMT8II

Life’s About Game Changers

I am feeling rather deep tonight. The anniversary of the death of the father of my children, my husband of 13 years and my high school sweetheart is coming up. No I was not in love with him when he died. That does not mean I did not love him. You can’t stop loving someone you’ve known that long or have experienced that much with. (So I am not mourning in the same manner a widow would.) I am reminiscing.  I had a relative of his tell me tonight that I am one of the strongest women he has ever met and how much he admires me.

First off, um no I did not pay him. (yeah some of you went there.) I was actually touched and told him no I am not strong. I am resilient. I survive and I continue. Kinda like the bushes in my backyard that I didn’t water for a year and just came back to life. Boy howdy I am derailing again. I’m such a girl. This got me thinking of game changers in our life. I have had many so far.

Although I am older than some of my followers and younger than others, I know there will be more to come in my life. A Game Changer is something that happens to you that profoundly changes who you are. (Hopefully it is a change for the better but perhaps that’s not always the case.) For example, I had a very traumatic experience (actually I had many) but one incident stands out  that forever changed my viewpoint on life. I discovered at 8 that the world is not a safe place and parents will not always protect you even if you are a good girl and even if you say your prayers every night. This didn’t make me a worse or a better person..it just..changed me. This was my first game changer. My second was a little happier.

I gave birth to a son at 20. GAME CHANGER! I will never forget them bringing him into my hospital room in his little bassinet and…leaving him with me! I panicked! What am I supposed to do if he cries? Um I didn’t even take homec. Um I don’t even think I spelled it right just now. Obviously I discovered that babies are a lot tougher than they look. I only dropped him a few times. (I keed I keed) Actually the game changer for me with this was realizing all I really wanted for that baby is for him to have a better childhood than I had. I wanted him to always know he came first and to really put him first. All of my selfish motives flew out the window the second I looked into his eyes. “This is real. I may not be ready but this is real.” So that’s what I did. I started at a very low spot in an office and worked my way up to management. More importantly, I tell that kid (and his brother that followed) I love him at least 10 times a day. When all is said and done, my boy’s  know I have their back. I never knew how to give that much to anyone until I became a mother. That baby that was wheeled into my room at 20 made me a better person. Game changer number three was rougher.

I dreamed of being married like 60,000 years. Okay maybe not that long but a nice long time with lots of grand babies and a cranky old husband. (Don’t judge my dream. I’m a simple woman by nature.) It didn’t happen. I married the life of the party and one day the party ended. One day I realized I can’t do this anymore. One day I realized I didn’t even like the man he became. That same day I realized I don’t want my sons to think that being like him was acceptable. I was sitting at the table and eating dinner with a man I couldn’t stand. I’m so so sorry but it’s true. In a strange way I snapped. (There’s more to the story but ya get my drift.) I realized I needed to find a way out because this was slowly killing me. Game Changer. Just like that all of my dreams came crashing down. I was in a bad situation and no amount of pretending was going to make it otherwise. It took courage I never knew I had to stand up to him but I did it. The most recent Game Changer is perhaps the most profound yet.

So then that same man died. I wish I could say he died in a car wreck. (If you find that crude I am sorry) My heart breaks for car wreck victims. He died senselessly and violently and in a way that embarrassed his family. It left us all scratching our heads and wondering why. It changed the way I looked at life forever. Sometimes, he was a jerk but he had this HUGE spirit. To think of him being gone forever is still hard to believe. Such charisma and such potential and such a waste. To tell my children their father was gone was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do..I mean ever. There were also things I should have said. There were things I wish he knew. The story of him is over for now. No more chances. Game Changer. As I said this was the most profound. I no longer look at problems the same. There are problems and there are “PROBLEMS.” I really started thinking about this when I found out my office is being closed. Yeah consolidated..as in no more LV office after next week. I am worried. I am a single mom and need to provide. The fact that I didn’t positively break down in a panic says a lot. It’s just not the end of the world. There are worse things. So how does this apply to dating?

Well you see we all have this baggage or maybe I should say this series of game changers in our lives. If anyone tells you they are “drama free” they are living under a rock or lying. It’s just not possible. Life is drama. What is possible my friends is to take those game changers and make something positive out of them. I think I talk about this a lot but..please do not let those game changers prevent you from moving forward in life. Life is still good and you won’t meet anyone worth knowing if you do not continue to move forward and stop looking backwards. Until next time..Ciao!

Don’t Borrow Trouble – 5 things Women Do that Blow a Relationship!

My Grandmother was an amazing woman with great phrases. One of her most common was “Don’t borrow trouble.” I never understood that until I became a grown up. It is probably the best advice ever. Why should we worry about things that have yet to happen? I constantly see women doing this. (Maybe men do too but I’m not a member of that particular club.) I think a lot – not all - but a lot of women over-analyze things and make small issues or dare I even say non-issues a big deal. Why? Because we’re borrowing trouble-derr. I like to be useful..it’s kinda in my nature.  So on that note, I’ve created a list of what we should NOT do to borrow trouble while in a relationship.

1. Fish around your new boyfriends Facebook page. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, heck we’ve all done it! I DO NOT do it NO MORE. I will tell you why. Suppose you see someone comments on his pictures all the time (by someone I mean another female)…who is this woman? is she cuter than me? Then you go to her page and on and on and on. The truth is she may just be his best friends sister or his Dental Hygienist  I mean you don’t know and now you’ve created doubt in your mind. What for? You my friend just borrowed trouble.
2. If you met him online DO NOT look up his online profile once you start dating exclusively. I used to do this. It is dangerous. First of all, you look it up and then you see he logged on yesterday. WTF? Now you’re mad but…maybe he went on to see if YOU logged on. Now he checked again and sees that you have logged on and the vicious circle begins. No one wants to admit they did it so it’s like this big online dating elephant in the room. The last guy I dated online for more than three dates did this and I FLEW off the handle. By this I mean I dumped him. I don’t care because he was not the one for me but it was awfully stupid and dramatic. I feel stupid just admitting it but change is all about facing your flaws! So I can honestly say I have been dating the same man for a little while now and I have not once looked him up. I have been tempted but here’s the thing: If he is going to stop seeing me for someone else it wasn’t meant to be. If he is dating multiple women, I will know it. It is very easy to tell when you do not have a man’s full attention. If I lose his attention then he wasn’t right for me and I will move on. (after I curse him out and TP his car..but that’s another story. hee hee I’m kidding..really I am.) I mean what do I care if he logs on? I am not logging on and that’s all that matters. Click here to see my rules..remember?
3. Ask for too many details on former girlfriends. Oh now you did it girl! Now you just discovered that his ex was a former gymnast and model who currently plays the body double for Angelina Jolie. Did you just borrow some trouble? … mmmhmm you did … Why would we do that? I am interested in my man’s past but I don’t need to know his exes bra cup size any more than he needs to know my exes penis size. (OHHHH SNAP! Goodie Sara went there.) It’s the truth and I calls it likes I sees it.
4. Don’t push the guy you are dating for a label or to define the relationship. Yes at some point “the talk” needs to happen. However, if we are all grown ups, why do you need to know if he is your “boyfriend” or not. In fact, I feel kinda dumb even saying I have a boyfriend at 33. It sounds so juvenile. (I’ve never pushed for a title but I really don’t have as much experience dating as other women my age. I can tell you I never will. I don’t serial date or play games “if you are a woman getting played-you gotta click http://howtodateinlv.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/its-not-playing-its-dating-practical-dating-advice/ and read this-it will help” and I LOVE the freedom of that!) I will say I’ve seen my friends do it and it will slowly drive them crazy.  Why? Cuz they are borrowing trouble dude.
5. In addition to number 4, you should never push your man for a commitment. The man I married didn’t need pushing..course that was a disaster but it’s besides the point. I am guilty of this. I am guilty of thinking if a man says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me it means he wants to marry me. It may mean he wants the status quo. I will NEVER push or inquire about marriage again. (Um no I didn’t ask him to marry me but I kept bringing it up. ) The results I got were not positive. Here is my suggestion to that: At the onset of a relationship, the discussion of what you want long-term usually comes up and I recommend……honesty! Then there are no mixed feelings later. If you change your mind down the road, you may need to be prepared for the relationship to be over. Do not do what I did. I tried pushing, I tried guilting, I tried all kinds of stuff. Then I realized I didn’t even want to marry him. Why in the world would I ever want to marry someone who didn’t ask me out of desire to spend his life with me? If a man wants you, he will make it known. Ooops..lesson learned. Try to learn from my mistake. I will not repeat that one.

As a bonus..definitely don’t ever do this!

Guess I’ve made my point! My moral for the day? Ladies, let’s not borrow trouble. I know it’s hard but instead of letting your suspicious or analytical mind go crazy, try looking at the man’s actions. Are you getting the attention you need? Is he distracted? I promise you, men aren’t very complicated. (I love men-I’m not hating) When they care, you will know. Until next time…Ciao!

WordPress Family Award…Awe: I love you guys too!

I am so very flattered that I was nominated for the Family Award. It doesn’t matter what someone may think or not think about these awards. I am always honored that ANYONE reads my stuff. In addition to reading it, every once in a while, someone really likes what I have to say enough to nominate me. All I really wanted to do when I started this blog is help others through my blunders. I think I am doing that! Maybe not on a huge scale, but I have had some serious talks with a couple of people and I really think I have helped their outlook on dating. The fact that I no longer worry about players or dating drama proves my theory and now that I am dating a great guy (um no I’m not on my way to the alter-that would deserve an entire post not a side note geesh) just adds to the credibility of my philosophy. BUT back to the topic at hand. I found very early on that reading other people’s thoughts, opinions, and experiences was infinitely more rewarding than writing. GO figure right? I started by connecting with single people like me and then I expanded. There are so many beautiful writers on WordPress..especially Clark Kent..who constantly challenges me to not run from pain but to embrace it and let love shine through instead.  Through his encouragement and my STRONG desire to not repeat past mistakes, I am breaking my normal patterns and becoming a better person. I thank you for taking an interest in what little ole me even has to say and I SUPER thank you for nominating me!  (OK I just WAAAAY exceeded my mushy limit but I mean what I wrote too.) Life really is a trip and I never thought in a million years I would be where I am right now; but my heart tells me I’m exactly where I need to be. I’ve stepped away from my usual behavior, I’m scared, I’m clueless, and I’m just trying not to be as stupid as I used to be….so there.

So..Here’s Da Rulz:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people who have taken you as  a friend, and spread the love

My nominees are as follows:

1. Confessions of an Online Dater – Yes I’ve nominated her before but this is the WordPress Family Award. I feel like I know her and I cheer for her new relationship-lol!

2. New Single Guy – Same story (except he’s NOT a she)…PLUS we have a couple of things in common like hometown and that whole”I married my high school sweetheart” thing.

3. Chronicles of the Romantically Challenged – Man if there is one person who has had WORSE dating experiences than me its her. (Your day is coming..I know it!) She’s funny, she’s real, and from her posts she has great taste in shoes!

4. Memoirs of a Mom Who Ticks - She is a better writer than me by far and 99.9% of her posts make me smile. (I didn’t like it when you dissed Mumford and Sons) but other than that you’re cool people!

5. ddeashion – This is one of the first people I started following. I love hip hop and his ideas on fashion and news. 

6. Diary of an Aspiring – What an inspiration. Keep up the great writing.

7. Simple Tom – I don’t think there is anything simple about you.

8. Fashion for Lunch – Need I say more?

9. The DAFT Diaries – This is one awesome woman! Creative and witty..I love her style.

10. Harsh Reality – Yep he sure does call it like he see’s it! This is one opinionated man! I respect anyone who speaks their mind.

 

What I’ve Learned While Being Single

I read somewhere once that you discover who you really are while being single. I think that makes a lot of sense. You see when you have never really been alone, you do not really have a way to truly gauge what you prefer as an individual. Once this is defined (in my humble opinion) you have a much better chance of creating a long-term relationship that lasts. So…I’ve been thinking about this lately.

I have lived alone almost three years now. Prior to that I had never lived alone. I moved out during my senior year of high school (grateful to escape) with my high school sweetheart and never looked back. Then after lots of broken promises and painful experiences, I decided to choose happiness. I chose to be alone and rebuild myself in the hopes of finding a REAL partnership down the road.  At first, I was scared. (Not scared of paying bills but scared of every sound outside the house and every noise the house made.) Then….I loved it! I mean I can dance until 10:30pm at night, use both sinks in the bathroom, and all of the closet space is mine! Now enough time has passed that I am adjusted. So what have I discovered about myself?

• I do not like living alone. I do not NEED a MAN, but I don’t like being alone all the time. I would give up the closet space for the right person (right person..not just anyone.)
• I crave intimacy more than sex (yeah I said sex dude.) I really never knew that about myself.
• I have a strong inner child. I let her out all the time. (I play laser tag and roll down grassy hills while my kids laugh.) I forgot about that while married because my spouse was always trying to control me.
• I am capable of learning to fix things. I am capable.
• I still REFUSE to kill a bug. Oh and I run screaming from then like a sissy la la (yeah guess I am not that capable.)
• Although for my age my number of partners is very small, I am a highly sensual woman. I never knew that while married. (um not because of marriage itself but because I was in a bad one…for the record.) 

I think the biggest thing I discovered about myself is that I do not like being alone. I am not ashamed to admit it. I would like to qualify that with the fact I did not run out and settle for just any guy. I think I’ve set some boundaries and stuck by them. Hence, I am still living alone. I never thought I would be the type of woman to feel that way. I am so strong and independent by nature. I really want someone to talk to at night and someone to hug me when I had a hard day at work. Geesh…it’s like I turned into a pansy. Ah well…be true to oneself I always say. So what’s my lesson? (yeah there is one) If you are jumping from one relationship to another, you may need a break. Sometimes the best way to discover what you really need is through solitude. A man/woman doesn’t define you..he/she is supposed to compliment you. We need to know who we are first in order to find something meaningful with someone else.

Until next time….ciao!

This is the Part Where I Run

This is the part where I run!  Once I became single and clueless, I diligently put my single track mind to work. I spent time and research to get comfortable with dating and then attempted to master it. Then somewhere along the way I realized how stupid that was. (no offense to anybody who loves dating.) I do not love it. I have a very hard time with warming up to a stranger in a romantic way…Actually I’m not being honest. I have a hard time with intimacy. I need to feel comfortable around someone..then I am all about affection. BUT I am straying again. (you gotta watch me..I do go on an on) As I was saying,  I realized that I don’t care about being a super dater. I just want to avoid players and punks. I went through a whole bunch of assholes jerks as I put my dating theory to work.Then I met someone.

I met someone I really like. I met someone I think of more than I should. I met someone who I think feels the same way. THEN I realized I’m scared. It never occurred to me until recently that I am not ready to get hurt again. Rejected yes (that hurts too)…Although I have been going through a series of rejections since I started dating. (um no comments cuz that shiznit hurts my pride.) I still have some confidence in me. A broken heart is something different. You see, I realize that I may have a broken heart again. I just don’t think I can handle another one right now.

I had my entire world collapse on me less was than a year ago and the one person I truly thought I could count on turned out to not be for real. To give an analogy it was like being kicked in the diaphragm and then kicked in the head when I fell. First I lost all my breath and dropped to the ground and then I was knocked the heck out. So I cried, and I prayed, and because I am one tough chic, I picked myself up. My bad dreams faded, the panic over the added responsibility has passed, and I have found a way to forgive the person who abandoned me the one time I ever really needed to lean on someone as an adult. That last part was important. Forgiveness is a part of healing as well as moving on. (just in case you didn’t know.) I HAVE to tell everyone this because it’s a BIG part of what I just discovered about myself. Once I realized I don’t want to be hurt right now..not the devastating broken heart kind of hurt…I planned on running. 

Running probably isn’t the best description…I planned on pushing him away. How? Easy…I wall myself off and become the ice queen. You know bullet proof. It’s how I survived my childhood. I never lashed out, I walled up. But……I’m lonely. I crave real companionship. What would it mean if I did that? It would mean I would take myself right back to the dating field. It would mean living and operating in fear. It would mean I am a punk. I am not a punk. So I didn’t push and I didn’t run. I’m not going to play games and I’m not going to be stupid…err I’m not going to be more stupid.  I’m here in very uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory. I am not going to live in fear and I am not going to project past failures onto a new relationship. I am going to let go and let GOD decide. I am going to trust. (This is a good girls guide to dating in sin city…so I’m gonna stay faithful.) It may work out and it may not but I am not going to let fear of failure dictate my actions. Regardless of my relationship future with this specific man, I am going to give it a fair chance because…..

So my moral for today?? Do not let fear or past failures ruin your future. Treat each new relationship as a brand new opportunity to find something special….because it is. Oh and spiders are scary.

Until next time.. Ciao!

Get Lost: Tips and Statistics For Victims of Stalkers

Dating is hard…derr right? Just when I think I have some stuff under control, I now know a guy who…….is kinda stalking me. Why do you ask? Well..he has called me from anonymous numbers and stating things like he just saw me at the store, am I going to Taekwondo, mentioning what street I live on (when he never went to my house or received my address from me), and making mention of things he saw on my Facebook page. The final straw occurred when he called my work. This is not my first time being a victim of this type of crime.

The first happened when I was a teenager and it was infinitely more intense (and physically painful) than this recent experience. It occurred when an older man who was near my high school lied to me about his age to get me to talk to him. Long story short, once I figured out his real age I immediately stopped talking to him. He went ballistic. He actually physically attacked one of my dear friends and made several attempts to hurt me. I filed and received a restraining order. This did not prevent him from watching and tormenting me. He was finally stopped and charged with attacking a minor (yours truly) and this resulted in him backing off. There is more to both stories but that’s besides the point. My intentions are not to share all of that. The objective is to share what I discovered about stalking and to hopefully help someone who may face this issue.

Unfortunately, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, this is a very common crime. (Obviously..if it happened to me twice, I think that’s pretty obvious.) Below is a summary of the findings for 2012.

• During a 12-month period an estimated 14 in every 1,000 persons age 18 or older were victims of stalking
• About half (46%) of stalking victims experienced at least one unwanted contact per week, and 11% of victims said they had been stalked for 5 years or more.
• The risk of stalking victimization was highest for individuals who were divorced or separated—34 per 1,000 individuals.
• Women were at greater risk than men for stalking victimization; however, women and men were equally likely to experience harassment.
• Male (37%) and female (41%) stalking victimizations were equally likely to be reported to the police.
• Approximately 1 in 4 stalking victims reported some form of cyber stalking such as e-mail (83%) or instant messaging (35%).
• 46% of stalking victims felt fear of not knowing what would happen next.
• Nearly 3 in 4 stalking victims knew their offender in some capacity.
• More than half of stalking victims lost 5 or more days from work.

So those are statistics and they’re kinda eye-opening. The real question is how to manage it or even prevent stalking. I am usually the most optimistic person I know but I have not been able to find a way to prevent this type of behavior. So I can’t advise on prevention. Also, until violence happens the police really do have their hands tied. I can try to offer some basic ideas towards punishing the stalker.

• Be sure you know as much information as possible about the stalker. The police will need as many specific facts as possible.
• If you are truly concerned, file a retraining order as soon as possible.
• Always err on the side of caution when faced with this type of situation. Many victims become victims of escalated crime because they do not speak up soon enough.
• Document every incident that happens (trust me that one is important.)

I will personally chalk this up to a close call. Seems like there have been a lot of them in my short dating career.  I am not complaining-it is better to learn a lesson through an “almost happened” than the hard way. I have received an earful of advice and criticism on dating. What can I do? I am not serial dating anymore (I get why that’s dangerous amongst other things-I really do.) However, if I never date anyone, how will I not be a crazy cat lady some day???  I don’t want to date..I kinda can’t stand it but there is absolutely no short cut to finding companionship.

What is my lesson? Ladies and Gentlemen: The dating world is more than a frustrating path of mind games. It is also dangerous. Be as safe as possible while choosing who to spend time with. 

Until next time…ciao!

Resources:

http://bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=973

http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/stalking/arrests-prosecution.htm

http://crime.about.com/od/stalking/a/stalked_help.htm